....that Might Actually Be The Worst Insult I Ever Received. You've Earned My Respect.

fucked up in the crib playing five nights at freddys at the Jefferson memorial

The kid is so real for that

saw a woman comforting her sobbing child saying “i already told you, you have to keep looking forward, looking back just gets you hurt” and i thought she was sharing a beautiful life lesson about the importance of letting go of regret and resentment. but it turns out the kid just wasn’t looking where he was going and ran into a wall

I got trumpeter swan- I am a happy, happy man

I put every bird I could think of into this wheel. Spin the wheel. You're that bird now.

Watching your best friend interact with their crush who definitely likes them back is sometimes torturous-

I SWEAR I'M GONNA STAB MYSELF IN THE BALLS IF ONE OF Y'ALL DOESN'T MAKE A MOVE

likes to charge, reblogs to cast

y’all really recommend books like: title, there are gay characters, enemies to lovers, young adult, written by poc

not once do i ever see a summary

In a debate, always assume Gerbil Catholicism as default. Gerbesus must exist for the arguments to be true.

He has a side quest for you

Walked into a bar and saw this

There is no greater pain than handing a real Polaroid picture to someone before it's done developing, saying "keep it in the dark," and then watching them immediately accidentally bring it into full second-coming-of-Christ sunlight

ways i have tricked people into thinking i am competent:

bought a really nice looking fountain pen

that sounds like a joke but fountain pens are cheap as shit and when you use one people look at you like you’re a fucking wizard

this hero 901 cost me $3 on ebay and i don’t know why people assume that this is a pen for intelligent people but they do

it works better when i am using a nice notebook and not the avengers notebook that makes it look like the hulk is grabbing my sweet pen

i write in code which for some reason leads everyone to assume that i am some kind of da vinci motherfucker, instead of the reality, which is that i am writing about dicks and don’t want anyone to know

it looks like i am constantly taking notes on everything which is both intimidating and inaccurate, just the way i like it

i bought a usb clicker/laser pointer for $11 and now it seems like i’ve got this shit on lock, like i am so pro at giving presentations i even own accessories

holding a clicker makes you seem at least 10% more like you know what you’re talking about i’m pretty sure

i check the weekly freebies on creativemarket every monday so now i have a huge folder of pro-looking website themes and powerpoint templates and fill-in-the-blank resumes (also a lot of autumnal clipart and watercolor flowers and script fonts but that is less relevant)

i bought a ceramic coffee mug at world market years ago and it makes me look like a productive coffee-drinker because no one knows it’s full of hot cocoa

i don’t know why drinking coffee makes you look busy it just does even though i’m pretty sure it statistically reduces productivity

bonus: not only does no one know i’m just drinking Depression Chocolate but they think i am being Environmentally Conscious rather than Poor As Shit

extra bonus: i can take a sip whenever it looks like someone is going to ask a question and then they ask someone else

i almost never have to answer questions and i leave the room a lot because i have to pee constantly so double extra bonus

“That’s a very good question, and one that deserves an in-depth answer, so if you’d like to leave me your card I’d be happy to discuss it with you later one-on-one” aka “how DARE you suggest i waste everyone’s time answering this question right now” aka “lmfao i have no fucking clue what you just said please let me secretly google that okay”

bonus: now it seems like you are a sophisticated grownup who assumes everyone has A Card and if they have to settle for writing their email on a scrap of paper you can feel smug about it even though in your heart you know that you are no better

i’ve got anxiety and poor impulse control and anxiety about my poor impulse control so i generally say jack shit about shit and this constant silence is often misinterpreted as aloof observation

no one knows that my air of mystery is actually a bad case of the shy and i am too shy to correct them so it works out

when i’m on my laptop and i don’t want anyone to notice how much i’m dicking around i turn the brightness way down so they can’t snoop without being obvious

at least one window of notepad++ with some random html page or css stylesheet in it makes randos assume you are some kind of genius doing some genius shit, unless they are CS major randos, in which case i guess find an intimidating looking excel spreadsheet and hope for the best