No, They Dont Realize It

doodle bc this is extremely Jean coded

Sometimes it feels like everyone around me is speaking in a secret language and I'm the only one who doesn't know it.

maven’s live reaction right after witnessing cal and mare’s dance scene

But according to incels, Marvel has gone woke and now only has shes, gays and theys (I wish)

Neil in his POV: Im just a silly boy

Neil in anyone else's POV: a little psycho about to cause some chaos

one of the standout things from tsc and tgr that I’m still thinking about is just everyone highlighting just how Unsettling Neil Josten actually is… Jeremy being unnerved by Neil’s smile, Jean noting the ice in Neil’s stare… incredible, amazing, give me more

I just love how Nora isnt afraid of giving scars or weird/ugyl marks to her characters

And like, not that cool type of small sexy scar on the lips and eyes, they are ugly, just like the violence they have suffered and endured. They are marks forever ingraved on their skins of the terrible things done to them, or of what the horrible things done to them made they do to themselfs

Like, fuck, Neil's face has the scar of a cut cauterized by a lighter on one side and on the other he has the scar of cuts in his entire cheek, one of them goes from near his eyes to the side of his lips. Not to mention tge burn mark of an iron literally printed near his shoulder or all the cuts in his chest and back

Not cute at all

Andrew is full of self harm scars on his arms (and anyone who has seen those knows how many looks they attract and how they get ugly with time)

Both Jean and Kevin are full of scars on their chests, specially Jean, but Kevin too (which is confirmed in cannon many times, but the first one of them is when Riko is about to carve Neil's chest with a knife and he says he is gonna love to hurt him just like he used to love hurting Kevin)

Kevin has that horrible scar on his left hand bc of what Riko did

Renee has scars from knife fights and has that ugly ass tattoo made literally with almost the same type of ink they use to make tattoos in prision (have you ever seen a prision tattoo?? That shit is ugly as hell)

Matt has the injection scars all over his arm from when he was an addict (many ppl forget that)

If I remember correctly, Aaron also has the injection scars

Those kids have gone through hell and back. They carry the emotional and physical scars of that. And yes, it is not pretty or romantic, but it isnt supposed to be. All of those marks and scars are reminders that the Foxes(plus Jean) were failed time after time again by the ones who should protect them or even hurten directly by those who should be their family and protectors. They are there out of spite, but everything they gone through doesnt disappear just bc things have gotten better, and I feel like the scars and marks are Nora's way of reminding us of that. All the memories and pains will still be there, still aching from time to time. It will hurt less and less, but that distant reminder of what was done to them will always be there

And honestly, I love Nora for it. So many authors make their characters go trough the worst of it all and they seem to get out of it just fine (physically and mentally), it is a relief to see an author who is not afraid to remind us that all those things always leave their marks (even though it hurts like hell to read it, my babys should have been protected)

Dont we all like our man fruity??

I hated that he was using it to defend his drinking problem

But at the same time I liked he so boldly admitted to be number 1 and most of all, to always have been

He says that the last person who tried to take it from him died. Which means that he had always been the best (which we know is true), even before Riko broke his hands

Here he clearly states things how they were: Kevin was the best striker and Riko was always trying to take this spot from him (either by using his place of power to bully him into acting like if he was second or by ultimately breaking his hand)

And I liked that he did it so naturally

Some time ago he would have never been able to say or even think something like that

Still pisses me off that he was using this to defend he could drink all he wanted (bc he already was the best and the one who tried to take it away from him died, so he is unchallenged)

If he was sober and not saying it to justify being an alcoholic it would have been a full diva slays moment

I know a lot found Kevin’s checkmate line hilarious and very diva but I have to say it wasn’t funny and Kevin depressed me in this book🥲

Exy exy exy exy exy exy exy and drinking every time he has to talk about the nest & Riko.

"Just please let me go" was the most hearbreaking wording choice Nora could have done

It shows everything

First of all how done and tired he is ("just")

Also the "let me go" part: he is not asking only to be left alive, he is asking his father to let him go, let him live his life.

In book one he says that everytime he wakes up he has to remind himself everything is okay bc he always wakes up thinking his father found him and he has to take a few deep breaths and ground himself before starting his day

This has been this boy's life EVERY DAY for NINE YEARS, in other words, this has been his life for about 3.200 days.

This "let me go" isnt just a desperate plea for his life, but it is the plea of a kid who cant stand being afraid, scared and always on the run anymore. It has been NINE YEARS, and Nathan just cant let him go, for NINE YEARS Nathan didnt allow neither him or his mother to really go and he made their lifes a living hell. So what Neil is asking here is to be freed from the nightmare his whole life had always been, because of Nathan

He knows it is not gonna work, but he cant take it anymore. He had been strong for too much time and at that moment, all he wanted to was to live, but really live, not just be alive. And he couldnt do that unless his father letted him go

Another thing that always hurts me about this part is that he had accepted he was gonna die, literally until he saw his father

When it comes to kidnappings you should NEVER allow your kidnappers to take you to a second location. If you get kidnapped and you plan on trying to run, you gotta do it BEFORE you get to the second location. No matter how hard it seems to scape, it will be even harder once you are in the second location. Once you arrive where your kidnappers want you, then it is almost surely game over

Neil probably knew this very well. Like, even my mom taught me that, Mary definitely taught this to him

But even knowing that, when does he decides to try to scape???

Not only when he was already inside his father's house, at his basement (aka: second location), but also when his father arrived (aka: the worst possible time)

And this wasn't a rational decision

When Neil received Lola's call, he accepted he was gonna die that day. He didnt fight it, bc he had already accepted he was gonna be dead before may. Off course, it was earlier then what he wanted it to be, but it felt just like destiny knocking earlier at his door

But then he saw his father and reality hitted, HE WAS GONNA DIE

And at that moment he realized he wasnt fucking ready to go, not now, not this early. There was so much he wanted, most importantly there were the Foxes, he didnt want to leave them, he didnt want to leave Andrew, he wasnt ready. He tought he was, but he wasn't

And thats when he makes his desperate scape attempt and his desperate last plea "just please let me go", that wasnt a plea just for his life. He was asking his father to, after nine years, allow him to be happy, to be safe, to "go". It is the last plea of an abused kid to his abuser. "Just stop abusing me, Just stop obsessing with me. LET ME LIVE"

He knows it wont work, but at this point, after finally finding what to live for, he had to at least try it

If Nathan had found him at the beggining of his first season with the Foxes or while he was still in his HS team, he would have died without letting out a single scream or plea. Bc at that point he was living out of spite. He was living with the hopes he would eventually find what to live for. He had nothing but his pride, and he sure as hell wasnt gonna allow Nathan to take it from him.

But when Baltimore happens, he had found what to live for, his wildest hopes became true, he had what to live for. He realizes it when he finally sees his father after all this time. So at that point, fuck his pride, the Foxes were more important then that. So he begs. Knowing it will fall on death ears, but the life he had built for himself was way too important for him to not try. Nathaniel, the kid raised to endure all sorts of pain and scape from an entire mafia, would never beg shit to his father. But the Foxes had humanized him, so at that moment he does what any other human would do: he asks for his life. There, it was the first time In the whole series Neil does something remotely similar to what a 19 years old would (and even so, he still kept a certain composure). And that was when Neil Josten finally buried Nathaniel Wesninski. He did what Neil would do at that moment, not what Nathaniel would

Anyways, he was just a kid and I hate Nathan so much

I just hope this bastard is burning in hell and having to watch his son heal and live in spite of him

genuinely the most heartbreaking part in aftg like out of the whole series is at the end of the kings men when neil snaps and starts begging for his life

like his “please, just let me go, just let me go i’m not—” LIKE UGHHHH

to me it really emphasizes just how young he is…like he’s literally only 19 he’s a teenager!!! begging for his life!!!! (after trying so hard to save face in front of lola in the car it didn’t even matter in the end bc fuck i’m about to die)

and also just the parallel with andrew and his hatred in the word, that he also said please and it didn’t work

(and the fact that he probably also came to a point where he knew it wouldn’t work but he had to try and beg anyways bc there’s no way out he has no other options he has nothing to gain but nothing to lose either just please let me go—)

andrew, who is hopelessly devoted and desperately in love: i hope you get curbstomped. neil, stupid demisexual who could not have less of a clue and doesn't know what romance is: you just want me to stop asking you questions. too bad. i have to know you, because how else am i ever supposed to know myself? my soul was welded to yours with the heat of my heart the first time you set it on fire. let me in, andrew. that's all i can hope for. can we go play exy