If I Am Being Truly Honest With Myself,

Off to sleep

When I close my eyes to look for sleep’s touch, I think of you.

I think of how our fingertips brushed

How much it meant to me, how little it meant to you. 

I hear your breath laughing in my ear at some joke I didn’t say,

but I wish I did. 

I remember all of the time we spend together,

even if you don’t. 

I can still see all of the little notes you left on my desk

which I wish I kept not just in my heart, but in my hand as well. 

It is all so comforting, as I drift away.  

Just to know you are in my life. 

Even if you are not mine. 

Free my woman she did all of it but I don’t care

Sorry

Sorry.

I don’t mean to bother you.

I really don't.

I don’t mean to take up this much space. 

I’m trying to be better. 

I swear. 

Sorry. 

You say I apologize too much. 

I wish I could apologize for that.

I just have become so close with guilt.

He sits on my shoulder every afternoon when I get home.

He whispers in my ear.

“You should be sorry”

He’s right, you know. 

Because Guilt sometimes lets me call him by another name. 

A nickname if you will. 

(we are that close)

He tells me to call him Truth. 

He’s right here if you want me to talk to him. 

Sorry.

Today I woke up

the little things

Sometimes, when I feel the way I do, I like to think about the little things. 

The little things that make life worth living. 

(at least for a while)

Like the way blushes grow on human cheeks. 

Little things like the sound that can be only heard when rain and laughter marry. 

Like lighting a candle while you start a new book. 

The perfect little notification you waited all day for. 

The way making someone else laugh sits on your chest for a while. 

The way blades of grass fit neatly between your toes

The completion of a simple task. 

The sound a dog’s collar makes as it walks. 

(it's the little things)

It's the tiniest of things too. 

The three-feet-distance between the desks of two friends.

That one freckles that girl you barely speak to anymore, but still makes you laugh. 

The glitter in someone’s eye that just never leaves.

The smallest possible paper crane that you made in class last Tuesday. 

(it's the little things)

It's also the big things. 

Like the first kiss you had that really mattered. 

Like the letter you never thought you’d get.

Knowing that she’s okay, even if you aren’t. Not anymore. 

It’s the realization that you understand. Even though it's a bit too late

But most of all it's the little things.

Art is not my friend right now

I am filled with so much jealousy for other’s art, I am unable to enjoy my own.

Art is not my friend right now.

I can’t come up with anything new. I miss the days where this wasn’t a chore. We aren’t friends right now because I want my art to be something it is not.

Art is not my friend right now. I can’t make my hands create what is in my head.

Art is not my friend right now.

But all I want is for our friendship to return. It may be selfish, I want her to bring me joy. She might be the only one that can. I want to bring her to life, so we can walk hand in hand amongst creation.

Art will be my friend again soon.

our last summer on the river

The air smelled sweet, of growing green

And flowers bloomed, their beauty serene

Birds chirped, as if on cue

As we dived into waters blue

The water ran with ease and grace,

A world so still and full of place.

As we grew up, we came of age,

Our path ahead, a turning page.

Our hearts would race with each new thought,

The tides of life we'd brave and sought.

And as we witnessed the river flow,

We found ourselves with more to know.

Through twists and turns, our stories formed,

A tale of love and life adorned.

As dreams took shape and hearts were won,

The summer's light had just begun.

On that river's edge, we found our way,

Our lives transformed with each new day.

And though we'd soon be far apart,

The memories etched within our heart.

Our summer days, we'll treasure long,

For in its embrace, we grew strong,

And as we bid farewell to our youth,

We'll always know, our bond is the truth.

GUYS I AM COOKING I FEAR-

SO. IVE SAID BEFORE. THAT WE NEED HUNGER BY FLORENCE & THE MACHINE IN YELLOWJACKETS. We've already had Free & Dream girl Evil, AND Just a Girl. So. Yellowjackets is no stranger to her music. Anyways, I was listening to the song. Thinking again about how it should totally be in the soundtrack. And I'm listening to the Lyrics "the way you use your body baby come on and work it for me" and I thought awww TaiVan coded-

And then I remembered. That Van is totally gonna die and the end of the season. So allow me to set the scene. Van dies, of whatever cause it may be. And as suspected by many, Tai will cannibalise her. Duh. This is Yellowjackets. But hear me out- Hunger is playing in the background. Its cutting between teen TaiVan probably making out or something. And then to Tai cannibalising Van. Kinda like the banquet scene- IT WOULD BE INSANE- and thats the cliffhanger of the season. Because like, we all know that the adult timeline is totally gonna resort to cannibalism. 100%. We love to see character regression. BUT IMAGINE THAT- WE SEE TEEN TAIVAN BEING ALL SWEET, ADULT TAI CANNIBALISING VAN, AND THAT SONG PLAYING. ABOUT LOVE AND HUNGER AND DESPERATION AND DEVOTION- YELLOWJACKETS PLEASE 🙏🙏

I feel like a whore. 

Used and disgusting. 

Why did I say yes?

I thought it would make me feel better about myself. 

It didn’t.

Why didn’t it?

Why?

I've betrayed God.

And for what?

Some girl I barely know?

(I've known her my whole life.)

She doesn't love me.

I don’t love myself.