Unless A Grain Of Wheat Falls And It Dies...

Water Lilies painted by Claude Monet (1840 - 1926)

Lanzhou and Control

[spoilers up to chapter 220ish]

So I’ve been working on a future post and have been rereading my personal chapter summaries and notes. As I refreshed my memory and even reread some specific chapters, I ended up asking google a question that sent me to an interesting Reddit post.

Basically someone said they didn’t understand why Shen Zechuan initiated intercourse in chapters 40-41. Someone else gave a very thoughtful reply which you can read here, but the part I’m focusing on for this post is Shen Zechuan’s relationship with control. The replier shared, amongst other things, that Shen Zechuan gave Xiao Chiye control in that situation.

I actually just reread chapter 40 today and noticed that on page 413 of vol. 1 it says “Shen Zechuan allowed Xiao Chiye to gather his wrists into one hand”. I never really thought much of that phrase in my previous readings of volume 1, but I feel like that it only really sunk in for me after getting better acquainted with their relationship as it developed.

Throughout the story it’s repeated over and over how both leads HATE having their lives out of their hands. Xiao Chiye despises that he was forced away from his family and home. And Shen Zechuan hates how he was held at the mercy of others for years as well; vowing to never be in such a position again. Both of these individuals crave freedom. And yet, Shen Zechuan allowed Xiao Chiye to do as he pleased with him.

Now, their first time being intimate has a lot of nuance to it. They both used that moment to escape reality for a time. And this particular instance of relinquished autonomy literally had Shen Zechuan expecting to be handled roughly. But once their relationship developed into a mutual romance, time and time again, Shen Zechuan surrenders control, letting Xiao Chiye take the lead, and following his whims.

I’m currently at chapter 220 and while some of their unions still have escapist undertones, there are still pure romantic moments where Shen Zechuan completely gives himself up to Xiao Chiye. And I think it shows a key difference in these two’s desire for control: Xiao Chiye likes to dominate by nature while Shen Zechuan feels like he has to for survival. Not to call Xiao Chiye a freak, but bro is literally described as enjoying fights, likes the struggle of taming wild animals, and is possessive as hell! While Shen Zechuan’s need for control stemmed from being abused by others throughout his life. When he’s not in control, he gets hurt. So that told him when he’s in control, he can protect himself.

I have taken mental note of a few scenes during Shen Zechuan’s conquering Zhongbo era where he’s tired or even annoyed by the work that goes into running essentially a country. But why doesn’t he delegate those tasks to others? Because unless he is genuinely incapable of getting the job done himself, he doesn’t trust anyone else to do it. He’s also stated several times that he doesn’t desire to be at the top: two examples that immediately came to mind being in chapter 70 when Xiao Chiye asks “Don’t you want a turn at the top?” and in Shen Zechuan’s conversation with Yao Wenyu in chapter 146. While in both of these instances he was bluffing, part of me thinks there is at least a semblance of truth to the statement.

When he lived with the Jis in Duanzhou, he was content with his simple life. He wanted to be like his brother and become a squad commander one day, but that’s nowhere near as ambitious as taking over and bringing peace to several prefectures. He was happy. And then his world was flipped upside down.

While I don’t think he necessarily regrets the path he is on now, he definitely misses simpler times. In chapter 209 Shen Zechuan says he forced himself to stop thinking about his days in Duanzhou because remembering those times make him cry. He was forcefully removed from a life he loved, and thrusted into the middle of a violent political struggle.

All of this to say, while Shen Zechuan is implied to be a natural leader and has a domineering nature, it isn’t really a position he chose to be in. Every action he takes is deeply calculated from multiple angles for the best possible outcome. Even carefully crafting his persona to attempt to control how he’s perceived. And living your life like that is DRAINING!

Oh man, Shen Zechuan is tired 😩

But when he’s with Xiao Chiye, he can turn his brain off. He can forget about his meetings. Forget about trying to watch everything the other enemy factions are doing. Forget about trying to put up a front as to not scare those around him with his true self. He can melt into Xiao Chiye and think of nothing but him.

I think the real turning point in their relationship was in the Public Ditches arc. Shen Zechuan is literally out of commission for several days due to illness and Xiao Chiye came to watch him every single night. Shen Zechuan had no choice but to let Xiao Chiye take care of him… but the tenderness Xiao Chiye showed him? The genuine concern? The comforting whispers and cuddles? It left an impression on Shen Zechuan.

I think Xiao Chiye’s sincerity truly shined through to him in those moments. None of those actions were necessary, and yet Xiao Chiye ran himself ragged handling his professional work and his silly little guy.

Shen Zechuan being cherished in such a vulnerable moment showed him that he could really trust Xiao Chiye. Half a decade before, people in power took advantage of Shen Zechuan and pinned the deaths of tens of thousands on a confused and delirious teenaged boy, while this big love struck dummy showed Shen Zechuan an intimacy he had never experienced before. And that’s so beautiful I could cry.

Shen Zechuan doesn’t need to be on his guard around Xiao Chiye, and Xiao Chiye likes being a leader. Shen Zechuan has his trusted confidant and Xiao Chiye tamed his falcon. …well, work in progress. His falcon still gets himself hurt carelessly.

Shen Zechuan needed stability and someone to lean on. And he found that in Xiao Chiye.

I have so many thoughts. OMG I’m so unwell about these two. I started writing this at 3am and forced myself to go to bed and finish it upon waking up. They drive me crazy. All the worm in my brain are Shen Zechuan and Xiao Chiye shaped!!!

In my next essay I shall explore why they rolepla—

the latest episode made me so excited... especially the conversation between gabi and kaya in the end. it was awesome. and i can’t help but think again about how deeply gabi actually hates herself. the saddest thing is that she doesn’t even understand it. may i just cry about this lost, misguided child?..

when kaya asks gabi why her mom must be eaten alive, all that gabi has in answer is racist marleyan bullshit. and when kaya calls her out on that bullshit, there’s nothing left but shock and panic. 

because there’s no reason why kaya’s mom has to die. and why gabi and other eldians have to suffer, carrying the burden of their ancestors, too.

it’s that simple.

but as kaya struggles to understand why people of paradis have to be eaten by titans, gabi and marleyan eldians struggle to understand why they have to live in an awful ghetto, bear countless acts of violence, and be turned into these goddamn titans. sadly and ironically, marleyan propaganda is the only thing that helps gabi not to sink in the despair her life is. it gives her simple reasoning of why she has to live like that and be hated, as well as the faith in a better future. 

if only she will be the good eldian, of course.

SNK S4, EP 11 : FAVORITE SCENE

“There are humans outside the walls and they call us the race of devils, right? But I couldn’t understand why the world despises us like that.

Mia. Ben. Tell me.”

Sparrows on wisteria, by Ohara Koson, 1910

the you i knew

today i want to present you Gabi ‘i don’t fucking care about Falco’ Braun:

yeah

she doesn’t give a shit about Falco just at all

bonus:

Return to Hongyan

SNK S4 EP13: CHILDREN OF THE FOREST

wine x blood

I definitely read Mo Xuanyu’s “bad” make-up as being intentional. He wasn’t out here trying to look like a pretty, delicate flower. He wanted his appearance to be confronting. He wanted to externalise his feelings. WWX looks at that face and thinks he looks like a corpse and that’s exactly what MXY was going for.

We don’t get a direct look at MXY’s state of mind at all, and other characters think he’s just ~bad at make-up~ because he’s ~crazy~ but actually he independantly invented being a goth. I love that boy.