Vampire Psychologist For Hire
Vampire Psychologist For Hire
Human recruiter filling position for psychologist:
You left your gender checkbox blank. It's our fault that the system controls were not fully in place, but I do expect meticulousness from my psychologists.
Vampire graduate who majored in human psychology:
My pronouns are they/them.
Human recruiter:
Ah! I really have to tell the technical team to update the form. I have absolutely no problem with your gender identity or your species. But you only have textbook and secondhand insights into human psychology.
Unlike human psychologists, you don't know what it feels on the inside to be human. Observations and textbook knowledge don't tell you everything. Many things are left unspoken.
Vampire graduate:
While I cannot pretend to know exactly how it feels to be a human, I am willing to work as hard as I can to try to understand the complexities of the human mind and heart, perhaps even harder than the average human candidate. Through studying human literature, observing my own relationships with humans, and developing a strong emotional bond with my human friends and classmates, I have already developed a deep appreciation and understanding of the human psyche that goes beyond mere textbook knowledge or casual observations. While there are certain aspects of the human experience that I do not share, I am confident that my empathy and dedication to the field of psychology more than make up for any lack of firsthand experience.
Human recruiter:
Why should I recruit you when I can just recruit a human top scorer with the same grades?
Vampire graduate:
While a human with the same qualifications may also have a great understanding of humans, they are likely to be inherently biased by their own perspective. I, however, also have the advantage of being able to objectively analyze humans' strengths, weaknesses, and motivations from an outsider perspective.
Additionally, as a member of a paranormal race, I have the ability to manipulate human minds and feelings to improve mental well-being.
Human recruiter:
Mind manipulation? By now, you're stark raving bonkers! How do I know you won't put it to bad use?
Vampire graduate:
As a vampire, I understand the importance of being self-aware and responsible when it comes to my ability to manipulate the emotions and actions of others. I take care to only use this power in situations where it is necessary or beneficial, and to never misuse it for personal gain or at the expense of others. I also make sure to seek consent before using my ability on individuals, and I always prioritize their safety, comfort, and well-being.
Human recruiter:
That's what you'd say of course. I have no reason to trust you.
Vampire graduate:
I understand your skepticism and reticence. In a world dominated by humans, it is often difficult for vampires like myself to be seen as anything other than predators or manipulative. However, while it may be challenging, this does not mean that it is impossible for you to trust me. In the end, trust is built through communication and understanding, which is why I have been open and honest with you about my ability to manipulate minds and my intentions in using this ability.
Trust is also earned over time. I think if you give me a chance to prove myself on the job, with ample supervision at the start, you will be able to put aside your hesitations about working with a vampire by and by. The best way to find out if i'm good at my job is not through urban legends, groundless hearsay or unscientific mob opinion but to give me a shot and see how things work out.
I can even agree to a contract outlining specific guidelines for how I will use my vampire abilities, and what steps we can take to ensure that my mind manipulation is always used in a beneficial way.
Human recruiter:
Hmmm. Excellent pitch. But it sounds too good to be true. For one thing, I need to review the clinical evidence and adverse effects records later. And why should I be the first to hire a vampire as a psychologist? I prefer someone tried and tested.
Vampire graduate:
If you would like to work with experienced practitioners, that is certainly your prerogative. However, it is often beneficial to have a fresh perspective on a problem, and working with a vampire psychologist can provide that. Please consider what I have to offer.
Human recruiter:
It's true. We have clients who remain unyielding to all the therapy regimes out there. Psychology has improved by leaps and bounds but is still an inexact science. We do need fresh ideas.
Vampire graduate:
Please also remember other positive traits of the vampire race. For example, I can live for millennia in the absence of mishaps. During my long lifespan, I can examine numerous times more clients than human colleagues are capable of. The synergistic effect of that extensive experience and my unique perspective will empower me to generate breakthroughs in therapeutic innovations.
Human recruiter:
Cool, but the manner in which you're comparing yourself against your human colleagues before you even start your job is concerning. Psychologists are not melodramatic lone heroes. We often need to engage in teamwork with one another in order to serve clients in a therapeutic setting. This can be in the form of team discussions about a client's treatment plan or case, collaboration on the research of a particular issue or hypothesis, or even simply supporting each other as we help clients through treatment. Are you sure you'll be a good team player?
Vampire graduate:
That is a valid point. I apologize for the misimpression. While professional independence is important, collaboration and teamwork are equally essential. I don't view my vampire heritage as something that makes me better or worse than my colleagues, it's simply a part of who I am and a source of unique strengths and flaws. As a member of the greater psychological community, I am committed to collaborating with my colleagues to help our clients in the best possible way. Thank you for the reminder to be a supportive team player.
Human recruiter:
OK. A critical question: HOW do I know you won't succumb to the temptation of your overworked co-workers' and vulnerable clients' blood? You may have excellent grades for your degrees in human psychology, but what about vampire psychology? I can risk neither the life of whichever assessor I assign for your probationary period nor those of all the appointees you see in the reception area outside, who have entrusted their welfare to our practice.
Vampire graduate:
I can understand that the possibility of a vampire drinking human blood is a concern, especially in a field like psychology that works so closely with humans. However, you have nothing to worry about in that regard. I have testimonials from my professors—
Human recruiter:
Ah, yes. But the academic world is nothing like the messy real world of full-time working adults. Our educational system in Typingland is so infantile it requires hardly any practical experience like internships to earn a PsyD. Your self-control may be stretched to its limits by manipulative patients, vitriolic parents and unsuccessfully forestalled suicides, although I must say most clients in our practice are incredibly sweet in spite of their personal difficulties.
Vampire graduate:
The work of psychologists is indeed strenuous. Nevertheless, my lifestyle has given me a strong foundation for coping with the stress.
Human recruiter:
The lifestyle of a vampire?
Vampire graduate:
As a vampire, I understand that I have certain physical and psychological needs, but I have taken many steps to ensure that these are met in a safe and ethical way that don't involve living humans. My physical needs can be met through a diet of donated blood, while my emotional needs can be met through strong professional boundaries, self-care practices, and maintaining a strong support network.
I regularly engage in personal wellness practices such as meditation and physical activity to maintain my emotional and mental vitality. I also check in with my psychologist for vampires at least once a month, adjusting the frequency with the stress I experience and the intensity of the blood thirst at any given time. This helps to provide a safe space for me to express and process my thoughts, feelings, and experiences. It also gives me the opportunity to practice managing my blood thirst through a variety of behavioral and mindfulness techniques.
If you would like, I can arrange for my psychologist to send you an evaluation report.
Human recruiter:
I'm deeply impressed. (Claps and shakes head in awe.) I must say that I've never met a candidate, human or vampire, with your level of dedication. Quite a number of the psychologists I know have undergone depression themselves in the course of this emotionally draining and underpaid work but were late in seeking professional intervention. They need to learn a thing or two from newbies like you.
Vampire graduate:
Oh, why, thank you!
Human recruiter:
However—I'm afraid our clientele and the public won't share my sentiments.
You may think I've been demanding and prejudiced, but the others? They won't even sit down like this to sift through your personal history or examine your well-crafted arguments. Public attention to the fanciful layers and facets, okay, just layers and facets, to marginalized demographics like yours has been fleeting to start with and pretty much vaporized in a Tiktokified economy. Social media?? It's a wasteland made up of countless virtual enclaves out there. Every phone zombie just scrolls past news and advocacy messages that don't amuse them or address their own problems. And algorithms?? Gawd! Don't. Even. Get. Me. Started. On. Algorithms.
What people out there will get with their precious microseconds for us, though, is that our practice is employing a dangerous and powerful person, if they would even see you as a person at all, to work on fragile humans in despair.
Look, we don't need bloody fangs and the bat wing stuff to further complicate the ongoing uphill battle of getting psychological condition sufferers to walk through our doors.
Welp . . . I'm sorry for my bluntness. I tend to let down my guard when I'm not in front of clients. You're a fine young vampire who deserves better.
Vampire graduate:
(Momentary silence.)
(Soars over to fan human recruiter with their bat wings while slightly frowning to themselves.)
Those are indeed tough challenges. How about this? Let's start by offering virtual sessions for clients who would feel more comfortable initially meeting with me through a video conference. This can help to gradually introduce me to them in a non-threatening environment and allow them to get to know me better before they agree to meet in person.
We can complement that with an on-site "try-out" session for clients who remain hesitant to work with me or lack technological access or digital literacy. A try-out session could involve a brief, low-stakes meeting where clients can meet me, ask questions, and get a sense of my approach before deciding whether to continue with therapy. This can help to build trust and rapport with them, and give them a chance to see that I am interested in helping them and can provide effective treatment.
As we graduate to proper therapy sessions and make good progress on cases, we can highlight statistics, success stories and testimonials from past clients who have worked with me, and emphasize my ability to provide effective treatment. That is, with their consent and proper anonymization of course. Given your practice's reputation for integrity, the credibility of anonymized feedback should not be a problem.
Perhaps, I can even make up for the reputation risk at the beginning by offering fun, one-of-a-kind indoor levitation experiences that are a soother of the nerves and a break from the mundaneness of everyday life. The experiences would also attract potential clients otherwise resistant to treatment because of public perceptions of psychotherapists as rigid doctrine-driven professionals, who they think won't understand their unique struggles and decision rationale, like reasons for investing all their time in an unstable line of work or sticking with a violent spouse. They are stress relievers no one can find in self-help books or chat responses from even the best of AI technology!
Human recruiter:
W—ow. I'm tempted to try that levitation myself. I have to think about your proposals and discuss them with the others.
There's just one last thing that I don't understand, and anyone, whatever the temperature of their blood, can sense this coming from miles away.
Vampire graduate:
Please go ahead.
Human recruiter:
Why a career in human psychology? Wouldn't you face less discrimination and be more at home with vampire psychology?
Vampire graduate:
I've always been fascinated by humans and their unique abilities to adapt and survive without paranormal powers, especially the human capacity for empathy. It's been my dream since I was young to study the human mind, to explore the depths of their emotions and figure out what truly motivates them.
Many people think that clinical counselling is about entering broken minds, but it is simultaneously about tapping the power of the marvelous human stores of mental resilience, mental flexibility and boundless optimism.
The wonders and possibilities of human psychology energize me. They keep me going every day despite the uncertainties of my chosen career path and the suspicion and taunts I get. I am one of those who believe that you can flourish in the long term only if you are emotionally invested in what you do.
Human recruiter:
Even if you don't end up on our team, I have no regrets taking time to interview you. It's been a great pleasure exploring the awe-inspiring sides and possible futures of our field with you. This sounds cliché but I sincerely mean it: I wish you the very best in your psychologist career.
Cast
Human recruiter Human (with two AI -dubbed lines)
Vampire graduate AI (with human stand-ins in various instances)
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Spell Salvage
The spiritual malleability of soft clay is no different from that of baked clay. What a substance can harbor is only limited by sentient will, including ours—and his.
An old clay figurine sage sat on his breezy porch, watching children play in the square, while yet another family moved into their village. He smiled as he remembered a time when he was dreamy, energetic, and ambitious, just like them. But those days were long gone. Now, he had seen the pain of war, the misery of poverty, and the fear of death. And he had learned that the only way to overcome these things was to let them go. Letting go was the most tender kindness you could show yourself.
With the arrival of new families over the past years came new little clay figurines that also turned alive when no human eyes were set upon them. A few of these figurines were kind and respectful, but most were not. The robber figurines were the worst. They were always picking on the old figurine sage and stealing from him the mineral rocks and plantings clay figurines would painstakingly gather for energy boosts and comfort, taunting that his mantra was letting go anyway, so why did he care if they took his things? Eventually, even the kind figurines started to pick up the habits of the robber figurines despite themselves. Amid the rampant greed and selfishness, the sound of sageliness had the tune of major fraud. If the halos were not lying about their motives to the halo-nots, they were lying about the nature of the world. Yet, should a sage genuinely believing in his own teachings really be faulted? But we digressed.
The old sage chuckled and gently chided the robber figurines, some of whom bristled at being seen as inferior to a decrepit chap when life and their circles had been washing over them with the tenets that might was right and wantonness was sense. Patting one robber figurine's shoulder, the sage genially offered his remaining little vintage collections to the gang to inspire magnanimity in these lost souls. Collective silence fell over the robber figurines for a second. The sage nodded with a warm smile. But then the robber figurines broke out into uproarious laughter.
They threw his stuff wildly around his place like a lunatic circus band. A couple of sharp items tore through the thatched roof. The old sage looked on with jovial eyes. What were possessions in a transient life? He left it to the young 'uns to reach this realization themselves someday since preaching did not help them.
One day, a clay figurine found an ancient piece of paper describing a lengthy spell that could return amnesiac souls trapped in clay figurines to their otherwise permanently comatose human bodies. Word spread around. The robber figurines succeeded in nailing the incantation of the spell. They became humans again, burned up the paper, and quickly took advantage of their new power. They began to bash, shove, and drum on the old sage, who was helpless to defend himself. The figurine sage called for help, but no figurine or human came.
After days and days of relentless abuse, the sage's body was covered in bruises, wounds, and scars. The ex-figurines relished their power over the old sage, and grew bolder, stepping up the severity of their abuse. As his strength and will continued to ebb away, the sage grew desperate, terrified that he might not be able to survive much longer under the onslaught of attacks. Yet, every night, he whispered to himself as rain and snow from his cracked roof seeped into the cuts on his body, "All is impermanent. Fate is in the mind. Let excruciating pain drain away. Let agony and misery be mere flurries. Untrap all negativity. Release all memories. Let go, let go."
One evening, the sage was so weak that he could not even chant anymore. He lay on the ground, discolored and broken, while a flock of larks flew overhead. Maybe, a harrowing ancient wind started to sing with increasing amplitude inside him, it's time to let go of letting go. Letting go was not always the sole or secure means of finding peace.
So he struck at the ex-figurines with all his unsteadily recovering strength the next time they came. They were stunned for a full half-minute. This time, a small, sensitive boy noticed the sage's plight and rushed to his side — only to be casually shoved out of the way by the ex-figurines coming back to their senses. Completely rehabituated to their human bodies after so many months, the ex-figurines were by now a formidable wall to a youngling unaccustomed to self-defense, and as good as invincible giants to a tiny, battered clay figurine. The loopholes of physics were already sealed up. In her indignant glee, one kid used so much force that she accidentally smashed the figurine sage into smithereens. Tinted fragments and powder that broke off from him coldly sailed through the sunlight before lying scattered in their little diorama of a world. The old sage was badly injured, and the boy knew that he could not save him.
From a distance, the sage raised his crumbling hand slowly as if he could stroke the boy's red face. "Cry not, child. It's okay," he smiled weakly. "I've really let go of everything now."
The old sage took a deep breath and closed his eyes. He dreamed of the children playing in the village square. In this dream, at this moment, they would eternally play, learn, and grow. And with that, he died with a faint, peaceful smile, surrounded by the birdsong of the forest. His entire body would eventually molder into dust that the wind would carry away, some to the distant, mysterious hills and glistening lakes, some to putrid ditches close by.
The clay figurine sage who was too late but did remold himself time and again was gone. The wolfish ex-figurines had no trouble turning their crosshairs to other clay figurines in other villages.
Many thanks to a very nice meme creator and a co-pilot bot for inspiring and shaping the more uplifting aspects of this story.
If you wouldn't go to someone for advice, don't take their criticism either.
Deep Down Inside, Beneath the Clothes of Culture
Deep Down Inside, Beneath the Clothes of Culture
Logic broke down when a bare-bodied male philosopher locked eyes with a little cat in a bathroom. That was the scene Jacques Derrida painted of himself alongside a meditation on how the cat was behind him since it was before him. But more precisely, Derrida was referring to the animal world in general and how animality surrounds and pervades humanity since it precedes the emergence of humanity.…
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Ceramics Yoga, Anyone?
The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong at the broken places. (Ernest Hemingway)
There is a crack, a crack in everything. That’s how the light gets in. (Leonard Cohen)
Luminescent Scars: As light pours into a cavernous space, participants in ballet tights practice their yoga poses within its ceramic-like, curved walls crisscrossed with fracture lines. Powdered gold, copper, brass, silver or platinum fill the lines. The instructor, in shimmering tights, is one of the bundles of rays that have descended to the weary and wounded. Shadows of other scar lines flit across participants’ bodies from time to time in acknowledgment of feelings all around, before transforming into waves of light. The above quotes reproduced by Critical Dance from program notes of Aurum, a ballet set in motion before such patterned backdrops, have told us the art form kintsugi’s ideal of embracing and growing more beautiful through broken parts. Ceramic surfaces portrayed across the sessions hail from a number of masterful or storied wares
:: Full concept ::
Sculptures of flamenco attacks inspired by Ban Ji-eum's moves and the show's spotlight on Min Bok-jin's sculpture.
Passing the Baton ...
"Spit out the worm."
That line from Six Flying Dragons is what we want to tell this increasingly feverish, belligerent and senseless world now. Less than half a day after the previous post on counter-terrorism was released, yet another round of attacks made the headlines. When life is this fragile, there is all the more reason to treat ourselves and one another more kindly.
The rest of this post and the title were meant as a preview of a Tree With Deep Roots post commemorating the end of Six Flying Dragons. A note of thanks to Tumblr bloggers for their support anyway.
Happy reading. And happy philosophizing on all things entomological.
"No hearing is sharper than that which can hear silent soul-quakes and muted battle cries.
No sight is more acute than that which can see a real tomorrow where a beggar's child and a president's child have the same odds of receiving a maximally uplifting and productive education."
—Her Excellency Ilera, non-hearing founder of the Extratemporal Serenetics Habitat
100% Human-written. Not quite the last we're seeing of Ilera.
Bard's Dark Forest Cuisine
Soon to be dramatized. Spoiler alert.
Black Forest cake. This is a rich and decadent chocolate cake that is filled with cherries and whipped cream. The dark color of the cake is a symbol of the dark forest, while the cherries represent the stars.
Shrimp cocktail. This is a classic appetizer that is made with shrimp that are cooked in a cocktail sauce. The shrimp represent the civilizations that are hiding in the dark forest, while the cocktail sauce represents the fear and paranoia that exists between them.
Oysters Rockefeller. These are oysters that are topped with a creamy sauce that is made with spinach, bacon, and Parmesan cheese. The oysters represent the civilizations that are trying to survive in the dark forest, while the sauce represents the hope and determination that they have for the future.
Black bean soup. This is a hearty and flavorful soup that is made with black beans, tomatoes, onions, and garlic. The black color of the soup is a symbol of the dark forest, while the beans represent the civilizations that are trying to survive in it.
Take the AI definitions with a pinch of Himalayan black salt, however. Numerous variants of a dish often exist. With that in mind, bon appétit.
Ilera's Mink Membrane Network
None upon a time, a clerk named Sunshine was so utterly repulsed by his soul-sucking job, which was barely funding his occasional time travel jaunts, he tried many methods to jazz it up—task gamification, plugging in to groovy music, sprinkling more decorations over his dedicated workspace (before the grand comeback of hot desking). Finally, he wondered if it would help, counterintuitively, to reduce the jarring contrast between his work hours and non-work hours and pioneered the hobby of adminpunk—remaking bureaucratic mouthpieces into pop songs, common email refrains into romantic dance shorts and his best public deliverables into glowwave art pieces. Sunshine became so engrossed with adminpunk he bemoaned he did not have more publicly disclosable material to work with. And so, he started to sieve through history for pinnacles of human success he could reverse-engineer into meteoritins, hyperspread bulletins that marked moments of great dreams or great devastation or both. That was where he became fascinated with the intriguing figure Ilera's legacy. The following was a meteoritin Sunshine typed up:
"The Inter-Time Ethics Agency (hereafter 'the Agency') has imposed temporal ethics courses and non-disclosure agreements in relation to technology transfer on time travelers and tight quotas on time travel journeys to minimize butterfly effects capable of reversing births across generations. These reversals are now regarded as a form of death to otherwise existing individuals. While it is acknowledged that much controversy surrounds the preventive measures, which carry their own downsides such as temporal inequality and epistemic bystanderism, the Agency has come to the consensus that the wipe-offs of existing lives on the timeline is the greatest of all harms.
Nevertheless, heeding the calls of campaigners behind the All-Time Freedom of Movement, the Agency has conducted public consultations to seek a greater balance between birth reversal prevention and mobility rights. One of the outcomes of the consultations is the construction of the Mink Membrane Network, a brainchild of Her Excellency Ilera from the Extratemporal Serenetics Habitat. The commencement of network operation as a mode of time travel is scheduled to take place concomitantly with the abolishment of time travel mechanisms involving moa/antimoa manipulation.
Aspiring time travelers wishing to proceed with their journeys despite exhaustion of quotas for the year shall utilize the network and, in so doing, agree to having their age group and gender swapped to whatever are more disadvantageous at their geotemporal destinations. If their own age group and gender are the relatively disadvantaged demographics at those destinations, the travelers shall have their skin converted to a wood-like appearance on arrival. These changes are excellent learning opportunities and will be undone on return.
Since mental alterations are seen as unacceptably invasive, in the absence of overwhelming neurological need and even with free consent, at the time of this decision, nothing in the network is to modify any time traveler's gender identity (including any pre-existing transgenderness or agenderedness) or religion. Because gender psychologies remain the same such that declared or apparent gender identity can be deceiving, unlike the case of natural transgenderness, physically gender-swapped time travelers must adhere to etiquette codes explained by local culture coaches stationed at their arrival points and enforced by time patrols.
To honor Her Excellency Ilera's triumphs against the many adversities that marked her life as a non-hearing, self-taught slave who escaped from her time to pioneer the field of tempochemical science and engineering as well as the above-mentioned habitat for time refugees, members of organizations which percentages of employees from demographic groups marginalized in their times match or exceed the percentages of these groups among their respective general populations shall enjoy priority in the processing of applications for time travel."
100% Human-written. A lengthy epilogue for Confession 91-02
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An energy economy intubated, intercepted and interrogated by its multiverse escape game, TikTok-addicted black holes, go-getting cerebral vampires and healing rice ball spirits. Originally an extension of The Asian Drama Philosopher (A-Philosopher)’s Chair, a site examining literature, art and ideas featured in East Asian series.
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