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If every word I said could bring you back,

and allow me to hear your voice once more

I’d talk endlessly

about everything under the sun.

- about the loss of a loved one

What if I never forget you?

what if, all my life,

when I meet someone new,

I can never fall for them

because they aren’t you?

ANON

It’s like walking through a field of flowers

wearing a white flowy dress and you’re happy

you’re picking flowers and it’s a joy so immense

nobody can stop you, you’re free but then

you hit a wall, the flowers in your hands are not there

they’re replaced by rubbish, and then you look back

and it’s no longer the field of flowers.. it’s a mess

a mess that you have no choice but to fix

so you do, you walk back

and start piecing it all together and you’re sad

you’re guilty because you created such chaos

you beat yourself up about it as you see everything;

the people you hurt, the mistakes you made,

the good ideas that were actually bad ideas

then once it’s clean you’re excited.. it’s the field again

and you’re running through it again and it’s scary

because you never know where the wall is

when you’ll be stuck looking at the mess again

but you still enjoy it, you still love the flowers..

MSI

< Bipolar Disorder In My Words >

Andrea Gibson

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And in the fault of our reality

I wished nothing more than

to be able to watch you smile

for the rest of my life...

MSI

<Forever>

Journal Entry #1 | 07 Aug 2024

I feel like up until now I have been so confused about what I wanted to do with my life but I feel like I finally know. I know what I want to do. Maybe I am not in the right track to get there yet but I will be and it will all be amazing and life will look up. I will do whatever it takes for me to get there. I know what I have to do to get where I need to be. I just need to actually push myself to do it and I will because I am so excited to meet my goal and be where I need to be. I have to there is no more room for errors like the ones that I made recently.

i am afraid of loss

i used to think i was afraid of dying but in actuality i am afraid of death and loss. i am afraid the idea of no longer existing whether it’s me or my family, i want no one to die but we also can’t live forever, the future scares me and i have no answers but i still can’t help but dwell in it, the idea of no longer being alive… i’m scared, please help

You asked,

What is the scariest part?

I answer;

the scariest part is not the feeling of loneliness

or the darkness that fills you

despite the looming pain

of emptiness

The scariest part

is the realization

that you have lost yourself

completely

sinking in as you lay awake

At 2am

because you lost the ability to sleep

and you can’t even cry

because you don’t even care.

A.D.H

― Andrei Tarkovsky, from Sculpting in Time

No one talks about leaving,

Realizing one day, a day you woke up feeling as if it was going to be any other day, that you no longer love the person the same. The small things you once loved that they put so much effort to go unnoticed. How is it that you woke up and realized you were okay living without them when one day you feared losing them. I think it hurts too, having to tell the person you never planned on being without that things are just not the same and when they ask why, what is there to say? "I woke up on a seemingly normal Wednesday and I realized that you no longer made me feel those puke-worthy butterflies. That I knew I would be okay without you." How do you put that feeling into words? I don't think I will ever be able to give you the answer you deserve and for that I'm Sorry...