Suggested Edit For Future Productions Of Chess

me, listening to abba: wow this is kinda like that musical by the guys from abba

got the brothers karamazov from the library today because they didn’t have crime and punishment and i need to read something new

Leia's worst online PR scandal is when a political opponent tried to say something mean about her kids so she pointed out that his no longer talked to him, in a space tweet that stayed up for 25 minutes and was screen-shotted 14 million times from across the galaxy. Luke and Lando's worst online PR scandal was the time they both joined the same mlm scheme for 3 months and had to issue a joint apology . Han has never had an online PR scandal because despite the fact that his handle is @/therealhansolo he has three followers and his only other social media is spfacebook which he uses exclusively to get into parent shaming fights with Isolder, Wedge's worst online PR scandal is when a major holo news channel posts an article that referred to him as "an lgbtq ally" and he space qrts it with "I am not" without specifying that he is not because he is bisexual and then turned his phone off for 14 hours.

The Muppets Present: Chess the Musical

Chess the Musical is an underrated gem, and we absolutely love it. The concert version, considered by most to be the definitive version, can be found on youtube in this playlist, which has nearly the entire complete concert (part 12 has been removed, but the only song missing is "The Deal (No Deal)") and I highly recommend you give it a listen, because the music is honestly top tier. The concert version is what we will be referencing here, since all the various stage versions are so different from each other (this show really suffered from over workshopping). If you're new here, take a moment to review our rules for casting. NOW, onto the show.

The Show

Chess the Musical is the story of the chess world championship tournament in 1979. The cold war is raging, and the two world champions are from the US and Soviet Union respectively. The story focuses on these two players and their personal lives and dramas set against the backdrop of the political strife between the east and west, as they are unwillingly used as pawns in the conflict.

The show has a core cast of seven characters and an ensemble with a few interesting standouts who can be filled out by muppets and humans alike. These are the key players:

Anatoly Sergievsky - "The Russian": The champion from Soviet Russia—a troubled husband and father who despises the propaganda and politics of the tournament.

Freddie Trumper -"The American": The champion from the United States—a self-absorbed, fame-and-fortune-seeking, short-tempered bad boy.

Florence Vassy - Freddie's strong-willed second and possible paramour, who is strained by Freddie's brashness and begins to feel a pull towards Anatoly as the tournament progresses.

Alexander Molokov - Anatoly's conniving second who is also a manipulative KGB agent and a major force in the political games being played behind the scenes.

Walter - A financial administrator in Freddie's delegation and in some versions a secret CIA agent who serves as a political counterpart to Molokov.

The Arbiter - The coldly objective, no-nonsense referee of the championship tournament and also the president of the International Chess Federation. He is essentially the narrator, the Voice of the chorus.

Svetlana Sergievskaya - Anatoly's estranged wife who, under Molokov's machinations, must persuade Anatoly to return to his homeland and family in the second act.

The Cast

Anatoly = Kermit. Kermit usually isn't the protagonist in Muppet adaptations, because the type of character he is just doesn't fit that role as neatly, but he's the perfect fit for Anatoly. Anatoly is competent in his own work, but is really out of his depth in the situation at large, and struggles to be true to himself amidst what he feels to be his duty. An arc that Kermit himself has played out in many a muppet film. Really, the only muppet who could adequately pull Anatoly off is Kermit himself.

Freddie = Gonzo. Freddie is bombastic, abrasive, quick to speak and slow to apologize, and overall extremely selfish. He walks into a room and his personality demands the spotlight immediately. I don't think I really need to give any other reasons why Gonzo should play this character, but I'll give one anyway: imagine Gonzo banging out "One Night in Bangkok" with Camilla and the Hens as the backup singers bawking out the chorus.

Florence = Miss Piggy. Yes, she's the only female muppet of note (who can speak english, sorry Henrietta), but also she'd genuinely be a good Florence. Florence is driven, a strong independent woman who don't need no man, but that doesn't mean she don't want one, and the fact that Anatoly is played by Kermit....well, you see where I'm going with this. Also, she and Freddie have an increasingly antagonistic relationship through the show that would be great to watch with Miss Piggy and Gonzo. Again, imagine her singing "The Model of Decorum and Tranquility" and getting more and more frustrated and gravelly in her delivery. And don't forget to picture Kermit in place of Josh Groben in that scene too...again, the dynamics are top tier here.

Svetlana = Miss Piggy. I'm invoking rule 5, not only because again, the lack of other english speaking female muppets, but because I love the idea of two Miss Piggies both singing for Kermit's attention and lamenting that he'll never see her the way she sees him, that his attention will always go to his work first. "I Know Him So Well" is a duet between the two women about Anatoly, and imagine two Miss Piggies singing this in duet with each other, each knowing that the other has something to offer that she doesn't have, but also knowing that even that isn't enough, that Anatoly (Kermit) will never be able to commit to her the way she wants to to him.

Molokov = Uncle Deadly. Honestly I don't have a lot to say about this choice, it's just Perfect. Molokov already borders on cartoonishly evil, he is an immediately untrustworthy character and everyone knows it, he's the world's worst spy. Uncle Deadly is a shoe in for the role and I'll hear nothing else about it. (Also, while generally irrelevant in casting muppets in a musical, since you can re-key as needed, Uncle Deadly already fits Molokov's voice type)

Walter = Sam the Eagle. While Walter is not as overtly patriotic as Sam, in adaptation, there should be a muppet who is equally as enthusiastic for his country as Molokov is for the Soviet Union. Walter is in some ways the least emotionally complex character aside from the Arbiter, he exists to serve the plot and the ways the plot creates character conflict for Anatoly, Freddie, and Florence, so Sam (who is generally a one note patriot character) fits the role nicely. Also, just like Uncle Deadly, he fits the voice type perfectly.

The Arbiter = Daniel Craig. I call upon the power of the One Human Celebrity. Daniel Craig would be perfect for a muppet adaptation of The Arbiter, he is the type of human actor who could be surrounded by muppets and you'd 100% believe it. The Arbiter's songs require some gusto, but Craig can carry a tune and if you give him a vocal coach and 6 weeks (and re-key his solo), I think he'd be great. However, this casting ONLY works if there are NO OTHER HUMANS in the chess federation. Daniel Craig must be surrounded by muppets at all time. Just look at his solo, and tell me that it wouldn't be the best thing ever to watch Daniel Craig do this while flanked by dancing muppets.

Additional Bit Parts:

Statler and Waldorf as The Consulate. When Kermit's Anatoly is speaking to them about defecting to the UK, imagine them having this exchange. You could either rewrite the song to be a duet OR have two Statlers and two Waldorfs to fill out the quartet.

Non-Celebrity Human as The Soviet Machine. This must be a big, nondescript burly man who can sing one glorious falsetto note. He must stand stoically as evil muppets dance around and sing the Soviet Machine. Moopets can fill out the Soviet chorus line.

The Ensemble: Merano and Bangkok both have human backup dancers and chorus members as well as muppet, because these are location setting songs, and you want to establish that humans are here in this world. Mike Tyson can have a celebrity cameo in Bangkok for old time's sake.

Chess Dancers: the Hens and the Penguins supplement the human chess dancers that take stage during the two chess matches.

Reporters: a mix of humans and muppets, but no cameos during this scene, it's Gonzo's first big solo and the spotlight needs to be on him.

Fozzie Bear as the governer of Merano and as an authority figure in Bangkok: his presence in Bangkok is commented on and he loudly says "Oh no, you must be thinking of my brother!"

And that's The Muppets Present: Chess the Musical!

What other celebrity cameos would you add to the show? We'd love to read your thoughts! Also let us know if you have another musical or movie you'd like to see a muppet fancast of, we love doing these!

positioning svetlana and molokov as genuine allies feels so wrong to me. i really think they hate each other and i accept no other interpretation.

i’ve seen so many ppl imply that marya and nikolai got married before pierre and natasha that i started to doubt myself but i fact checked and they definitely did not… why do people always switch it 😭

i’ve seen ppl criticize both kitty and natasha for being tolstoy’s overly stereotypical girl characters and while i hate tolstoy and think he was a misogynist, those girls are also just like me… so. maybe he was onto something there.

Pierre after spending hours manufacturing a phrase to make his name equal 666 after also manufacturing a phrase to make napoleons name equal 666 which means it's his mission to kill napolean and that he's also somewhat responsible for what happened to the holy capital of Moscow

leo tolstoy im so sorry i wasn’t your mother

so crazy to me how many ppl act like not knowing abt major global events is normal and think of things like reading the news as the hobby of certain individuals rather than um recognizing that staying informed about the planet is like ? essential?