‘The World Is Out Here Celebrating Like It’s The End Of Return Of The Jedi.

this winter is going to be very hard.

You can also look for ways to modify the situation to be more comfy for you! It doesn’t have to be the Scary Uncontrollable Situation you may be fearing.

If it’s a party at her house, maybe you can arrange to come early and help her clean, decorate, get snacks ready, etc. Then, even if you decide not to stay for the actual party, you get to hang out with her that day! And you have the opportunity to say happy birthday in person, give her a present, or whatever else you’d like to do.

More pros for getting there early: Would you feel more comfortable if you’re already relaxed in the environment, when the socializing begins? How about if you’re able to meet her guests one at a time as they arrive, rather than walking into a room full of strangers?

If she has any activities planned for during the party, you could also think about helping with those. (Sometimes I find it easier to interact with strangers if I’m Doing A Thing, and not just standing there being a person. “No need to pay attention to me … Pay attention to these drinks/gifts/kittens/goodies!”)

If the party is at a restaurant, where you’ll mostly be seated the whole time, see if you can plan to sit next to or across from her. That way, even if you just sit there quietly and don’t interact with anyone, you can still listen to her talk, laugh at her jokes, and be able to focus on the reason you DO want to be there – your friend!

And no matter what the conditions of the party are – if you go, you can give yourself a time limit, after which you can leave with zero guilt. (You don’t actually have to feel guilty for leaving at any time, but this is a lovely trick when your brain is disagreeing.)

Whether you’re there for 2 hours or 20 minutes, your friend will appreciate getting to see you on her special day =)

So I've been invited to the birthdayparty of my best (and obviously) only friend I have. I really want to go but I'm scared and I don't want to go. You know what I mean? I only know her and noone else. It's hard! When I think about it I wanna curl up to a ball in my bed and never leave it again.

This sounds tough. It is entirely up to you whether or not you want to go, and your friendship probably isn’t in the balance over this decision. I know this feels like the weight of the world, but sometimes it’s good to realize that your friend probably doesn’t feel that way, and if you decide not to go, she won’t hold it against you forever if you explain. And if you’re close, I’m sure that if you explain that you are anxious and unwell, she’ll understand.

An option to try and make up for not going to the party is to set up a date for the two of you to celebrate her birthday privately. That way she knows you care, and that it wasn’t personal that you decided not to go to her birthday party. 

But if you do go, there are options, too! You might not know anyone, but you do share a common factor of having the same friend. That can be enough leeway for conversation and interaction. You could also try to stick by your friend and interact through her, although she might be busy because it’s her party. I’m also sure there are other people who don’t know everyone. I can promise that you are never going to be the only person nervous about what other people at a party might think of you.

Whatever you decide, good luck! And I hope it works out and you have a good time with your friend.

- Shinji

This January is not only a new year but a new decade, and so there is even more pressure to “start fresh,” change your life, and simply transform into an idealized version of yourself.

Please don’t feel pressured by this. Life is already difficult enough without stressing out over metamorphizing into a new person overnight. The best change comes slowly, so keep trying to add little bits of goodness and happiness to your life here and there, and most of all, be patient with yourself.

AvPD and healing self-esteem - tl;dr.

(Part of my ongoing series of posts on Avoidant Personality Disorder.)

AvPD disconnects you from others, from yourself, and from your feelings.

And that hurts. A lot.

It’s okay to try and fix it.

It’s okay to want to feel better.

And it’s okay to notice your feelings, even if they’re unpleasant.

When you feel judged on all sides, make a safe space for yourself. Find somewhere you can be totally alone and free of observation, like a private journal. Feel what it’s like to not have anyone looking over your shoulder -- maybe for the first time.

Explore your feelings. Get to know what you really think and want, when your opinion is the only one that matters.

When you can, be nice to yourself. Try giving yourself the benefit of the doubt.

Do things that feel good.

When you’re upset with yourself for messing up, consciously decide to look for things that you succeeded at instead. Make a list of wins.

Here’s how this relates to self-esteem.

When we describe what it feels like to have AvPD, it sounds like, “Everyone judges and hurts me.”

But people only have the power to decide how much we’re worth, because we aren’t taking charge of doing that ourselves.

When you reconnect with your feelings, create a judgment-free zone for yourself, and learn to treat yourself nicely, you’re giving value to yourself. You’re saying, “This matters. My feelings matter. I’m worth taking care of.”

Esteem means “favorable opinion or respect.” In the throes of AvPD, we survive on other people’s esteem for us -- it matters what they think, because that’s how we determine our self-worth. But when we shift to relying on self esteem, we can finally heal and begin to thrive.

When we give respect and value to ourselves, no one else can take it away.

And that’s why practicing self-care and self-kindness is so powerful and important.

(You can read more here, in the long version of this post.)

This is really important.

I talk a lot about trauma-based PD’s because that’s what I experience. So I understand that kind the best, and I have some useful thoughts to share.

But it’s not the only kind that exists. And if you don’t have an “explanation” for how your disorder originated, that’s okay. You might not find my writing too relevant -- but that doesn’t make you irrelevant.

You matter, your experiences matter, and you’re still just as welcome here. <3

Shout out to kids with personality disorders whose disorder wasn’t caused by any specific event or a traumatic childhood. Disorders don’t need a specific reason to exist, sometimes they just appear.

How to Keep it Together During the Pandemic

We’re living through a scary and unpredictable global event right now, and you may be having a hard time coping. There’s a lot of advice flying around the internet right now about how to manage your mental health during this crisis - unfortunately, a lot of that advice assumes that you are an upper-middle-class person quarantined in comfortable conditions, and that your biggest issue right now is boredom or low productivity. 

But what are you supposed to do if your issues with this pandemic run a little deeper than that? What if you were barely hanging on by a thread before this pandemic struck, and now you feel like you’re in free-fall? What if you are an essential worker being run ragged at an understaffed job? What if your biggest issue right now is not “how do I make this pandemic a productive time for me, creatively and spiritually” but “how do I convince myself to keep living until this is over”? I won’t pretend to have all the answers - I don’t think anyone does - but I do have a few tips to help you get through this thing without coming completely unraveled:

Focus on your physical needs right now. From now until this pandemic ends, you are effectively a Sim. Your main job right now is to make sure that all your little mood bars are full - just like Sims, people under severe stress can’t even begin to cope with it until all of their very basic needs are met. Now is not the time to worry about things like productivity and personal fulfillment - your focus right now is on whether you need a snack, shower, or to change into some more comfortable pants. 

Stock up on easy-to-prepare foods that are high in protein. Not everyone has the time or motivation to be cooking artisan sourdough bread in quarantine. If you aren’t able to cook healthy meals for yourself, just focus on getting at least three solid sources of protein every day - protein makes you feel fuller and more alert, and is a better choice than low-protein snacks like potato chips if you’re struggling to eat every day. Look for things that require little or no effort to make - granola bars, roasted nuts, peanut butter, cheese, canned beans in sauce, eggs, canned tuna and beef jerky are solid choices.

Do a fifteen-minute ‘declutter’ every day. Cleaning may seem like a pretty daunting task right now, and you may not have the time or energy to do it. But living in filthy surroundings takes an enormous toll on your mental health, and it can be overwhelming if you let things get too bad. Take just fifteen minutes per day to deal with the obvious stuff - bag up the garbage, take all the dirty dishes out of your bedroom, wipe up obvious spills, throw out rotting food and put the dirty laundry in a hamper. It doesn’t have to be perfect, it just has to be livable. 

Make sure you are accessing whatever relief programs are available to you. Several countries and states have set up financial relief programs, loan payment deferrals, and other programs to help people get through this tough time. If you are struggling to pay your bills, call your providers and ask if your payment can be deferred or reduced. If you did not previously qualify for local programs, check back regularly - eligibility is changing all the time. 

Find effective distractions. Find things that take your mind off of your anxieties, even for a short time. These don’t have to be educational or have any self-improvement value whatsoever. If watching  old Jerry Springer re-runs at jet-engine volume is what gets your mind off your worries for an hour, then that’s what you’re going to watch. Whether it’s video games, reality TV shows or hours upon hours of YouTube ‘haul’ videos, the only thing that matters is that it distracts you.

Limit your exposure to the news. Watching people speculate wildly for hours about how bad the pandemic will be and how many people will die is not healthy. The basic information about this pandemic has not changed - it’s bad, it’s contagious, you need to wash your hands and stay inside as much as possible. Check the news only for genuinely important public health updates, and then turn it off. Obsessing does not change what’s happening, and it does not improve your mental health. 

Let friends and family know that you may be in and out. Maintaining relationships requires a lot of energy that you may not have right now, and responding to everyone’s messages quickly might just not be possible right now. Let your family and friends know that you care about them, but that you’re going through a lot right now and you might be spotty about answering their messages. Try to have at least some social contact every day with the people who are most important to you, but don’t pressure yourself to keep up with everyone right now. 

Block or mute people who share unhelpful ‘motivational’ content on your timeline. You don’t need to be reminded four times per day that Shakespeare wrote King Lear in quarantine. Shakespeare didn’t have to work a minimum-wage job at the grocery store while people screamed at him because the place had run out of flour. We all have self-righteous people on our social media feeds right now who are lecturing others about the need to “maximize” their time and relentlessly pursue self-improvement during quarantine. You don’t need that right now. Mute ‘em. 

If you need to pretend the pandemic isn’t happening for a few hours, go for it. Contrary to popular belief, dissociation is not always a bad thing - it’s one of the most basic emotional defense mechanisms we have. If dealing with the reality of the pandemic is too much for you right now, then put your mind somewhere else. Pretend you are the hero of a dystopian novel, or an early settler who has to figure out how to feed her family with limited food supplies. You can mentally deal with the enormity of the pandemic after it’s over - for now, find whatever narrative helps you get through this while still following public health guidelines. 

Access domestic violence resources if you need them. If you are quarantined in a violent situation situation and you feel your safety is in danger, please remember that domestic violence shelters are still open and they are still taking new clients. If you have a family member or friend that you can stay with, that’s also a good option - the health risks of breaking quarantine to move in with a friend are not as serious as the health risks of remaining in an abusive and violent household. 

If you need a prescription refill, make arrangements well before you run out of medication. Doctors’ visits for non-essential appointments are seriously limited right now. If you know that you are almost out of prescription refills, call your doctor’s office well ahead of time to let them know, and see if they can renew your prescription without an appointment, or if they can conduct an appointment over Zoom or via phone call. Medical professionals are extremely busy right now, so it’s important to make arrangements well in advance to make sure you don’t run out of your medication. 

Let someone know if you need to be checked on. If you know you aren’t doing well but you don’t necessarily have the energy to talk about it, just let someone close to you know that you would like them to check on you - this could be a weekly check-in to see how you’re doing, a daily reminder that you need to eat dinner, or having them remind you to go to bed if they see you online past a certain time. Figure out what you need, and communicate your needs to someone you can trust. 

Find one thing to look forward to every day. Find one tiny thing about tomorrow that’s not going to suck, and hang onto it. It doesn’t have to be a big thing. Maybe you’re going to have a can of your favourite soda, or watch an episode of your favourite show. Maybe you’re going to call a friend or read another chapter of a book you’re enjoying. Find something that you can latch onto as a reason to get up tomorrow, no matter how small. 

Let yourself rest. If you find that you need a lot more sleep than you normally do, that’s totally fine, and you shouldn’t feel bad or guilty about it. Living in a constant state of high stress is exhausting, and you may find that you need a lot of rest. If you don’t have the energy to do much more than sit in front of the TV and do a few basic chores, that’s fine - you don’t actually need to be spending your spare time reading War and Peace or learning to play the mandolin. If you need rest, let your mind and body rest. 

Just get through the rest of today. If getting through the rest of the pandemic seems daunting or overwhelming, don’t focus on that. Focusing on getting through the rest of the day. And then tomorrow, get up and do the same thing all over again. Take this situation one day at a time - the key to enduring this is not figuring out how to sustain your mental health for six months all at once, but to focus on sustaining your mental health just for the rest of the day, over and over again. 

This pandemic is a scary thing for a lot of people, and we don’t yet know how this will play out or when it will end. But we do know that it will end someday. Do the best you can to take care of yourself, no matter what your circumstances are - we will get through this. 

If you’re struggling, here’s some words from Angry Prayers for Furious Survivors 

What Boundaries Look Like 👀

recovery is not ‘soon i will be untouched, perfect, and in a permanent state of bliss. i will be healed and all will be well, forever.’

recovery is ‘i will continue to survive despite what happens, i will find ways to cope instead of continually tearing myself down. i will recover and will see myself in a light that i never thought was possible.’

I feel like narcissistic mothers go together with avoidant children like peanut butter and jelly. Actually, narcissistic mothers go together with a lot of things, kind of like you can have peanut butter and bananas, peanut butter and honey, peanut butter and marshmallow fluff…