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It ends or it doesn’t. That’s what you say. That’s how you get through it. The tunnel, the night, the pain, the love. It ends or it doesn’t. If the sun never comes up, you find a way to live without it. If they don’t come back, you sleep in the middle of the bed, learn how to make enough coffee for yourself alone. Adapt. Adjust. It ends or it doesn’t. It ends or it doesn’t. We do not perish.

Caitlyn Siehl (via wordsnquotes)

i just wanted to say that your response to the post about finding a job if you have avpd was so incredibly helpful to me. I was getting really down on myself for not being able to go out and "just get a job" like everyone else, and this trulu helped me. thank you so much for giving me insight and hope for the future. You're awesome (im sorry im shy and on anon)

Aw! You are so welcome, friend. Thanks for taking the time to let me know!

It’s really hard to live in a society that says a person’s value depends on their being “useful” – as if there’s even a way to say someone is objectively useful. Not everyone is able to function that way, and we are still just as worthy as anyone else.

I just want to reassure you (& everyone who struggles with mental health) that Yes, this is super extra hard for us – other people make it look easy *because for them, it IS easy.* If life was a video game, we’d be playing it in “Hard” mode.

We shouldn’t ever be ashamed of our lives. It might not look like other people’s success, but it’s OUR success, and it counts. <3

It’s okay to be annoyed at social distancing. It’s okay to be disappointed your favorite event was canceled or frustrated with online classes or online work. It’s okay, feel the way you’re feeling, we need room for that.

But remember, herd action is a powerful thing, we aren’t doing this for just you or me or one single person. We’re doing this for the elderly and immunecompromised, we’re doing this for the health care professionals so they don’t get too overwhelmed. We’re doing this for more than just ourselves. This is collective action at work.

And it is the group that lifts that barn when no one person can

it is the group that takes turns talking to the man down during the worst day of his life

it’s the group that gets out the wet wipes and quietly takes down hate symbols

and we don’t do that for ourselves. We do that because there is a love for strangers, a love for people we don’t know, and a dedication to others that is more than just “me” and “survive” and us vs them.

It is easy to feel alone in these times when we are literally meant to be alone, but this too is a means of care, this too is an act of love. And I think, I really do, I think that’s worth holding onto.

Levels of relationship, part 2: Safe people

(Part of my ongoing series of posts on Avoidant Personality Disorder. You can read part 1 of this post here.)

Having a safe person means so much.

When you have a safe person in your life, that relationship becomes really important. Here’s why.

With a safe person, I am welcome. It’s okay to exist.

They’ve demonstrated that they won’t hurt me, even when they have the chance. (They prove this by just literally not doing it, over time.)

They don’t react in the ways that I fear.

They’re consistently kind and supportive of me.

They’re actively considerate of my feelings.

A safe person cares about your feelings.

They really want to know how you feel, and they want to make sure you’re okay. How you feel actually matters to them.

And this is SO important for us -- because with AvPD, we are not good at dealing with our feelings. We’re not good at standing up for them, expressing them -- or even sometimes being aware of them.

So when someone proactively cares about how we feel, and maybe even encourages us (gently!) to open up ... it’s like they’re creating a space where our feelings are OK. It’s OK to have them, and to feel them, and to talk about them. And that’s something I don’t think people with AvPD get to experience much.

This could happen as subtly as you having an anxiety attack, and them acting calm and accepting instead of freaking out. You just get the sense that it’s okay. You’re okay with them.

Because our feelings are “allowed” in a relationship with a safe person, we’re able to let our walls down and let them see who we really are. It may only be a tiny bit of visibility, but it’s often a lot more than we have in any other relationship.

And when they respond positively to our self-revealing, we get emotional affirmation, and we can feel accepted. Which is hugely healing.

When we’re with them, we feel more like a whole person.

That emotional support and acceptance, in fact, is just like what people without AvPD get from their normal relationships.

And that’s why it’s so important to us. We have the same need for acceptance, friendship, and being liked as anyone else -- it’s just so much harder for us to receive it.

So with the rare person who can soften our defenses and let us feel safe being close to them ... that’s a treasure we never take for granted.

A note about dependency

I do think there’s some potential overlap with being dependent on someone (like with DPD or codependency). I became absolutely obsessed with my first safe person, and it wasn’t good for me or for them.

But I also think it's natural to value a “safe person” type relationship very highly, and to want to be close to them, and I don’t think that’s automatically unhealthy. This is just something we need to be aware of, and it’s a good idea to check on boundaries and comfort levels once in a while.

You can have more than one!

Just like people without AvPD can have more than one positive relationship, people with AvPD can have more than one safe person. It’s just equally rare to find a second person you “click” with that way. But there’s nothing automatically exclusive about it, and it can be nice to have more than one person to talk to.

It’s also a spectrum. Each relationship is unique, and it changes a little with every interaction. You might have one safe person who you’ve known for a long time, and then another one you’re still building a relationship with. The important thing is whether you get that sense of emotional support and acceptance from being with them.

And who knows? Eventually, you might just start calling your safe people “close friends” -- because that’s pretty much what they are for us.

One of the most challenging things I’ve had to learn is that healing must be intentional. There is no one golden day that comes and saves you from all your misery. Healing is a practice. You have to decide that it’s what you want to do and actively do it. You have to make a habit out of it. Once I learned that, I only looked back to see how far I came.

#Coping with coronavirus and dissociation

The following recommendations might be very basic, but I find they’ve been helping me to stay on track. I have been having difficulties with DID and complex PTSD symptoms and almost ended up kind of losing touch with reality in certain ways because of feeling so far away from the world but also not wanting to interact with ‘the outside.’ Things got pretty rough during the cold months in my country when winter storms and frigid temperatures kept everyone indoors and miserable, which made me withdraw from friends even though I was thinking of them and wanting to see them. It was like the pandemic was inspiring me to disappear, which was nice at first but soon became problematic as my issues with depression, anxiety, etc. went haywire. I had to come up with some fundamentals to figure out how to cope through it all.

I’ve recently taken up photography, using solitary adventuring to explore and contemplate or even meditate while snapping shots of the world around me. It’s also turned into an exercise for mindfulness, which has been helpful especially as summertime hit. Since photography is something that can be done pretty easily with company and while physical distancing, I’ve been visiting with friends within my ‘social bubble’ of less than 10 people, keeping it safe and relaxed as I’ve incorporated visits on a weekly basis to add some socializing to my routine.

Speaking of routines, the ones I’ve fallen back on daily have made me feel more stable and in control on multiple levels. Sometimes it’s difficult to keep from working all of the time or becoming lost in never ending creative projects and burning out, so I’ve also taken the time to do yoga, which has given me the opportunity to meditate on how I can be there for others and perform acts of kindness, support, and compassion while also figuring out how to care for myself and tweak my perception so as to avoid becoming lost in cognitive distortions that would certainly make things worse.

Though routine is a big source of comfort, I also find that it’s been equally important to have things to look forward to, certain moments with friends and loved ones that seem to be given more meaning in the disconnect. One thing that has happened recently, which has been a source of comfort and fun for both my partner and I, has been the adoption of a young kitten. I feel like spending time with pets can be as comforting as spending time with people and has helped me find a balance when it comes to lingering for too long in front of screens.

Last but not least, a huge source of stability has been to spend a decent amount of time outside, soaking in a bit of light and enjoying the fresh air, or even stepping out to enjoy the cooling freshness of a rainy day. We might not be able to spend time up close with friends, but it can be very helpful to connect with nature however and whenever possible.

It might sometimes feel easier to withdraw and disappear, but that line of thinking can be pretty misleading and counterproductive. I feel like creativity is often overlooked during such stressful times but is something that can help release stress and provide distractions from wanting to constantly check social media or wind up in a black hole of television/streaming binges. No matter what you end up doing, however, always remember to treat yourself properly, care for your body, and also remember to be gentle with yourself when necessary. Even with this insanity going on in the world, you are worth it and deserve to feel comfort even and especially during the loneliest moments.

Thank you for submitting this! This is all very good advice. I’m glad that you’ve found several ways to make the pandemic easier for you to cope with, and I hope that this helps some of our followers as well. Take care.

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We’re welcoming asks and submissions about coping during the coronavirus pandemic with the hashtag #coping with coronavirus and dissociation. If you’d like to participate, send us an ask or submit a post! More details can be found here. For those who missed it, we also have a masterpost about coping techniques during the pandemic here.

this winter is going to be very hard.

Just a PSA: if you’re starting to feel like your mental health has been going down the drain and feeling really low and fatigued and finding it hard to do stuff, please be kind to yourself.

My psych has told me she’s seeing LOTS of people go into this state, and it’s because all the adrenaline and anxiety and stress at the start of corona has been used up, and now your brain is going into a sort of depressive mode.

So please be kind to yourself, don’t push yourself too hard and ask for extra support if you need it! !

all i’m interested in lately is love, laughter, my personal health, growth, and becoming an all around radiant soul.