A Healthy Habit I’ve Adopted Recently Is Asking Myself “how Is This Serving Me”. I Take This Approach

shoutout to all of us adults with trauma figuring out how to navigate identifying the need for boundaries, setting boundaries, and trying to be assertive in doing so. 

Mary Oliver, from “the fourth sign of the zodiac” published in Blue Horses

“I love you and everything will be okay.” -me to myself

Hi! Sorry to bother you, but I'm almost certain I have AVPD and I'd like to explain it to my parents, since they've gotten upset over symptoms of AVPD that I've expressed and I want to tell them why I act like that. But they don't really think that PDs are a thing that exists. so how could I explain it to them so that they understand? thank you in advance !!

Hi there anon!

Wow, there’s a lot to unpack here. The most important is probably:

What you want to accomplish by telling your parents

What your relationship with your parents is like

Would you mind sharing a bit more about the situation? You can write more in asks, submit something or just message me, that works too! (And don’t worry, I won’t publish your username either way <3)

Or if you aren’t comfortable with that, I’ll see what advice I can scrounge up as-is =)

Mindy is a kind name. Mindy is a peaceful name. It's just soothing to say, even. Mindy sounds like fairy lights and cool breezes and a gentle smile at soft music wafting over the night.

Ah, this made me cry 💜 Thank you

Honestly, from what I’ve read, this general pattern seems almost-typical for AvPD.

We’re good at masks, at acting through situations. We’ve usually learned how to “pass” and seem “good enough” on the surface. That’s so we can escape being noticed for who we actually are -- rather than “how” we can act.

It’s a kind of invisibility. And masks can suffice, until somebody tries looking behind them. (Not because we’re defective and the cat is finally out of the bag!, but because ... when we feel exposed, we run away. Yep.)

This isn’t necessarily the same as social anxiety; different things can make us feel exposed. Like I’m fine chatting with strangers, but people I’m close to? Who expect me to have things to say? Hoo boy.

Also: Yes, I definitely do the “avoid, avoid, oh no it’s too late to choose” thing. Usually by being noncommittal when people ask me to do something. (I should really write a post about that.) I’ve started not doing it, though, which is a real adventure.

Followers & other AvPD peeps, how about it? Do you relate to any of this stuff?

AvPD Pondering Two…

I avoid my problems a lot and lie quite a bit to make myself seem more capable. I know the problems won’t go away by ignoring them, but I always feel like if I can get them to a point of no return then I can deal with the aftermath better than trying to fix the problem. I’d rather face the consequences than fail at trying to right things in the first place. And I do this consciously. Sometimes I wait and see if the issue will resolve itself, and by the time I realize it won’t I’m in Too Deep and I just kind of… let it happen. I don’t know if it’s because then I can tell myself there wasn’t anything I could do about it, or obviously if there had been an easy solution I would have done it, etc? 

But then, whenever I see people admit to their short comings I’m like, how do they do that?? And people still like them?! Even after they mess up or have a different opinion or get angry. They are still thought of with as much respect as they were before they did something Wrong. I don’t know why I can’t see how that could be said for me too, but I just can’t. Which means I’m hyper critical of myself whenever I do anything even slightly off. I don’t even like telling people mundane things for fear the ‘facts’ will change in the future and I will have been the deliverer of False News. Even with factors outside of my control. Like if I say something it’s the absolute truth, and if I have to go back on what I said it’s Not Good, but with others it’s fine. I understand mistakes happen, and plans change, it’s just that when I’m the one relaying the message the same logic doesn’t hold. I feel like it’s my fault when I’m misinformed. 

And this is the last, and most intriguing to me, point I have for this post before it becomes too long- Is anyone really good at first impressions? I have a lot to write about in regards to how I think I portray myself and how I get through social interactions, but a big chunk of that, that I didn’t understand until now, is that I’m great at first impressions. I’m good at putting on a Face and being relatable and then I’m SUPER good at keeping it superficial. I make better first impressions than my introverted, or shy friends, but they’re better at staying on top of the relationship as it progresses. Because they’re becoming more themselves as they get comfortable and I’m becoming distant as I get uncomfortable. 

(I’m actually really interested to see if anyone else relates to the first impressions thing. Because I used to wonder why I could do so well and then fade away every. time. And I finally realized it’s because I don’t want relationships to progress, and I wonder if others do the same? A way to keep people at bay? Because I know a lot of people with AvPD seem to have social anxiety tendencies as well, and are uncomfortable around most people, and I’m not really sure I relate to that.)

i saw this post on facebook and i love it tbh. it helps regulate calm deep breathing.

Sorry for being vague. Well, I have a pretty good relationship with my parents, but they get irritated and sometimes angry because of my sensitivity and how hard it is for me to approach someone and hold a conversation, or do something simple like order food. They tell me that I need to get over it and act appropriate for my age. I want to talk to them about my AVPD so that they might better understand why I act like this and possibly be able to help, or at least not put as much pressure on me

Thanks so much for clarifying! I’m glad you did, because this turns out to be a very different post than I was planning to write.

First of all, here’s some really good clinical descriptions of Avoidant Personality Disorder: Cleveland Clinic, and DSM.

The most fundamental thing:

You don’t experience the world the same way your parents do.

You live in the same world, of course. But the way you perceive, interpret and experience it, is very different. It’s like your brain applies a different filter.

You have certain specific needs, ones that your parents do not have.

That means they can’t rely on “what works for them” as a guide to what will work for you.

(Further, excellent reading: the Usual Error.)

The fact is, certain things are actually harder for you than for most people. And certain things are actually damaging to you, even though they might not damage others.

It’s a real issue. Your parents need to understand that you can’t turn this off.

It got built-in, which is the whole problem; everything grew around it. It’s integrated with your entire personality and the way you exist in the world.

You can’t choose which parts of your life it affects or doesn’t. By definition, a PD harms almost every aspect of your life, whether you want it to or not.

And this fact doesn’t change just because someone is mad at you or is being inconvenienced by your difficulties.

Becoming un-disordered is a very, very intricate and painstaking process, and it does not happen by force.

Personality disorders are complex.

AvPD is part anxiety disorder, part codependency/boundary problems, part emotional dysfunction; and like other PD’s, it’s viciously self-reinforcing.

(Social anxiety could be a helpful frame of reference for your parents. AvPD is like social anxiety, but different & more complex, so it’s tougher to deal with.)

It is very hard to get out of the PD cycle. That’s why every one of us needs a lot of help before we can find our way out.

Personality disorders mean inflexibility.

Part of that is, we take the same approach to all kinds of different problems. Even when a different solution would work better, we cling to avoidance.

Other people can watch us do the same thing over again, even though it was a disaster the last three times, and wonder why we can’t learn.

It’s not that we don’t know how things “should” be, or how we “should” act. We’re already perfectionists! We don’t need you to tell us.

And when people announce that we’re failing, or point out what we’re doing wrong, or how to do it better, that makes it worse. 

It directly feeds our perfectionism, our fear of criticism, and our avoidance.

Knowing doesn’t fix it.

It’s not that kind of problem.

That’s why nobody can “snap us out of it” or make us “get over it.”

What we need is, to be given the chance to heal and grow.

We need to be cared for, accepted, and supported.

People with AvPD especially need help to get out of it. Avoidance keeps us in an ever-tightening loop of limited experiences. And then we have fewer opportunities to try new things; fewer chances to become more flexible.

It’s reallllly hard for us to “accidentally” get better.

Recovering from a personality disorder is a process of slowly untangling all the messed-up stuff in our head, and learning good useful stuff to replace it.

It’s kind of like “remedial” emotional education.

This is where therapy really shines – that’s what it’s for. A therapist can teach you about emotions, how to deal with them, and how to get your needs met.

But even further than that …

The relationship you have with a well-matched therapist is a corrective experience for you.

The things that led to this disorder, whatever they were, happened in the dimension of relating to others. You have emotional learning from that. It can’t be changed by thinking about it, or by willpower.

It has to be overwritten, by a new, healing connection with another human being.

Great therapy can do this. Certain great friendships or other relationships can too, if you approach them consciously and carefully.

But again: This doesn’t happen by accident. Your parents need to know that they can’t just ignore this problem and hope it will go away, because it won’t.

If you’re close to someone with AvPD…

… the very best thing you can do for them is make sure they know that you accept who and how they are; that you support whatever they want to do; and you love them unconditionally – there’s nothing they can do that will end your positive regard for them.

And then, prove it in actions. Even when it is not easy for you to do.

Having one little safe corner in our lives can help us cope, a lot.

And, Anon, that sounds like what you’re asking for. Hopefully, your parents will be patient and sympathetic enough to give that to you. <3

(Some more stuff specifically for/about them, under the readmore.)

So, your parents need to know that this isn’t new.

The fact that you’re only now telling them about it, doesn’t mean it just started happening.

This is a thing that has been there for a very long time. It is your “normal.” The only difference is, now you (and your parents) know there is a name for it.

Denying the name or denying that you have any problems …..isn’t going to remove the problems.

Your parents are probably going to have a lot of feelings about hearing this.

It’s hard to learn that your kid is struggling, that they have a real problem and you can’t make it go away. It is normal to wonder if it’s your fault or try to figure out what you did wrong.

It’s OK to have emotional reactions to this news. Absolutely fine.

But your kid needs you to be present with them right now, and they need you to listen to them, and take them seriously.

They need you to believe them.

If you need to go sort out your own feelings about it before you can do that, tell them so, go do that privately, and then come back to continue the discussion once you’re able to be supportive.

Be patient. Try very hard to be open-minded. Be willing to learn.

It is a huge act of trust for them to tell you about this stuff. Don’t let down that trust. Honestly, you’ll probably never get it back.

Here are some typical reactions when somebody finally gets diagnosed, or discovers there’s a name for what they experience (self-diagnosed).

Understandably, when you find out that your problems are a Real Thing, you’re pretty delighted. And you want to share it with the people close to you.

You are like, “yeah, woo! Finally, there is a name for this! There is vocabulary to express how it feels! There are other people who have this thing too! It’s not uncharted territory! I’m not alone!!!”

And then you are like, “Wait. People have gotten mad at me for the things I’ve done because of this problem, and that wasn’t fair. That hurt me. It wasn’t my fault, and I’m not a bad person. I’m not broken or defective. I’m not lazy. I’m not selfish. I’m doing the best I can to survive my own mind.

“How can they complain about getting splashed from standing next to me, when I’m the one getting the bucket of water dumped on my head?”

These are all, totally normal reactions to finally getting a diagnosis/finding words for what you’re dealing with. They are OK to feel; they’re just feelings, not moral judgments; and they are not anybody’s job to fix.

Generally, there’s two basic things you want to hear from your family.

First: “Wow, I had no idea you were experiencing this. That must have been so difficult and lonely. These issues aren’t your fault, and I never should have blamed you for having a hard time doing things. I’m sorry. What can I do to help you now?”

Second: “I am so happy for you! You’ve had to work so hard just to get by, and now you know the reason. Now you can actually figure out how this works and how to have a life and be happy! This is amazing, we are so proud! Tell us how we can support you so you can have an awesome life!”

And then you tell them what you need, which often comes down to: “Right now I just need to be reassured that you still love me, and then I want to discuss this again once I’ve figured out what to ask for.”

It’s a hard adjustment for a family (or a couple, or whatever) to make. And it’s scary, for everyone.

But if everyone remembers to breathe a little, to not assume the worst, and try listen to each other – you can get through it. And it can turn out to be a really good thing.

Hi! Sorry to bother you, but I'm almost certain I have AVPD and I'd like to explain it to my parents, since they've gotten upset over symptoms of AVPD that I've expressed and I want to tell them why I act like that. But they don't really think that PDs are a thing that exists. so how could I explain it to them so that they understand? thank you in advance !!

Hi there anon!

Wow, there’s a lot to unpack here. The most important is probably:

What you want to accomplish by telling your parents

What your relationship with your parents is like

Would you mind sharing a bit more about the situation?

I just read the line “President Donald Trump also indicated that federal squads would likely target cities run by the party that opposes him” in a real-life news article and I’m just thinking about how people really thought Democrats were overreacting in 2016 and that we should “give him a chance”