Sometimes People Add The Cutest Nicest Tags To One Of My Posts, And Then I Sit There Giggling Like A

Having perfected our disguise, we spend our lives searching for someone we don’t fool.

Robert Brault (via thelovejournals)

AvPD and healing self-esteem - tl;dr.

(Part of my ongoing series of posts on Avoidant Personality Disorder.)

AvPD disconnects you from others, from yourself, and from your feelings.

And that hurts. A lot.

It’s okay to try and fix it.

It’s okay to want to feel better.

And it’s okay to notice your feelings, even if they’re unpleasant.

When you feel judged on all sides, make a safe space for yourself. Find somewhere you can be totally alone and free of observation, like a private journal. Feel what it’s like to not have anyone looking over your shoulder -- maybe for the first time.

Explore your feelings. Get to know what you really think and want, when your opinion is the only one that matters.

When you can, be nice to yourself. Try giving yourself the benefit of the doubt.

Do things that feel good.

When you’re upset with yourself for messing up, consciously decide to look for things that you succeeded at instead. Make a list of wins.

Here’s how this relates to self-esteem.

When we describe what it feels like to have AvPD, it sounds like, “Everyone judges and hurts me.”

But people only have the power to decide how much we’re worth, because we aren’t taking charge of doing that ourselves.

When you reconnect with your feelings, create a judgment-free zone for yourself, and learn to treat yourself nicely, you’re giving value to yourself. You’re saying, “This matters. My feelings matter. I’m worth taking care of.”

Esteem means “favorable opinion or respect.” In the throes of AvPD, we survive on other people’s esteem for us -- it matters what they think, because that’s how we determine our self-worth. But when we shift to relying on self esteem, we can finally heal and begin to thrive.

When we give respect and value to ourselves, no one else can take it away.

And that’s why practicing self-care and self-kindness is so powerful and important.

(You can read more here, in the long version of this post.)

ohh my gosh the notes today?! and the nice comments and messages?! everything is so Meaningful and real, y’all are too sweet, honestly! aaaah avoidants <3

How to Keep it Together During the Pandemic

We’re living through a scary and unpredictable global event right now, and you may be having a hard time coping. There’s a lot of advice flying around the internet right now about how to manage your mental health during this crisis - unfortunately, a lot of that advice assumes that you are an upper-middle-class person quarantined in comfortable conditions, and that your biggest issue right now is boredom or low productivity. 

But what are you supposed to do if your issues with this pandemic run a little deeper than that? What if you were barely hanging on by a thread before this pandemic struck, and now you feel like you’re in free-fall? What if you are an essential worker being run ragged at an understaffed job? What if your biggest issue right now is not “how do I make this pandemic a productive time for me, creatively and spiritually” but “how do I convince myself to keep living until this is over”? I won’t pretend to have all the answers - I don’t think anyone does - but I do have a few tips to help you get through this thing without coming completely unraveled:

Focus on your physical needs right now. From now until this pandemic ends, you are effectively a Sim. Your main job right now is to make sure that all your little mood bars are full - just like Sims, people under severe stress can’t even begin to cope with it until all of their very basic needs are met. Now is not the time to worry about things like productivity and personal fulfillment - your focus right now is on whether you need a snack, shower, or to change into some more comfortable pants. 

Stock up on easy-to-prepare foods that are high in protein. Not everyone has the time or motivation to be cooking artisan sourdough bread in quarantine. If you aren’t able to cook healthy meals for yourself, just focus on getting at least three solid sources of protein every day - protein makes you feel fuller and more alert, and is a better choice than low-protein snacks like potato chips if you’re struggling to eat every day. Look for things that require little or no effort to make - granola bars, roasted nuts, peanut butter, cheese, canned beans in sauce, eggs, canned tuna and beef jerky are solid choices.

Do a fifteen-minute ‘declutter’ every day. Cleaning may seem like a pretty daunting task right now, and you may not have the time or energy to do it. But living in filthy surroundings takes an enormous toll on your mental health, and it can be overwhelming if you let things get too bad. Take just fifteen minutes per day to deal with the obvious stuff - bag up the garbage, take all the dirty dishes out of your bedroom, wipe up obvious spills, throw out rotting food and put the dirty laundry in a hamper. It doesn’t have to be perfect, it just has to be livable. 

Make sure you are accessing whatever relief programs are available to you. Several countries and states have set up financial relief programs, loan payment deferrals, and other programs to help people get through this tough time. If you are struggling to pay your bills, call your providers and ask if your payment can be deferred or reduced. If you did not previously qualify for local programs, check back regularly - eligibility is changing all the time. 

Find effective distractions. Find things that take your mind off of your anxieties, even for a short time. These don’t have to be educational or have any self-improvement value whatsoever. If watching  old Jerry Springer re-runs at jet-engine volume is what gets your mind off your worries for an hour, then that’s what you’re going to watch. Whether it’s video games, reality TV shows or hours upon hours of YouTube ‘haul’ videos, the only thing that matters is that it distracts you.

Limit your exposure to the news. Watching people speculate wildly for hours about how bad the pandemic will be and how many people will die is not healthy. The basic information about this pandemic has not changed - it’s bad, it’s contagious, you need to wash your hands and stay inside as much as possible. Check the news only for genuinely important public health updates, and then turn it off. Obsessing does not change what’s happening, and it does not improve your mental health. 

Let friends and family know that you may be in and out. Maintaining relationships requires a lot of energy that you may not have right now, and responding to everyone’s messages quickly might just not be possible right now. Let your family and friends know that you care about them, but that you’re going through a lot right now and you might be spotty about answering their messages. Try to have at least some social contact every day with the people who are most important to you, but don’t pressure yourself to keep up with everyone right now. 

Block or mute people who share unhelpful ‘motivational’ content on your timeline. You don’t need to be reminded four times per day that Shakespeare wrote King Lear in quarantine. Shakespeare didn’t have to work a minimum-wage job at the grocery store while people screamed at him because the place had run out of flour. We all have self-righteous people on our social media feeds right now who are lecturing others about the need to “maximize” their time and relentlessly pursue self-improvement during quarantine. You don’t need that right now. Mute ‘em. 

If you need to pretend the pandemic isn’t happening for a few hours, go for it. Contrary to popular belief, dissociation is not always a bad thing - it’s one of the most basic emotional defense mechanisms we have. If dealing with the reality of the pandemic is too much for you right now, then put your mind somewhere else. Pretend you are the hero of a dystopian novel, or an early settler who has to figure out how to feed her family with limited food supplies. You can mentally deal with the enormity of the pandemic after it’s over - for now, find whatever narrative helps you get through this while still following public health guidelines. 

Access domestic violence resources if you need them. If you are quarantined in a violent situation situation and you feel your safety is in danger, please remember that domestic violence shelters are still open and they are still taking new clients. If you have a family member or friend that you can stay with, that’s also a good option - the health risks of breaking quarantine to move in with a friend are not as serious as the health risks of remaining in an abusive and violent household. 

If you need a prescription refill, make arrangements well before you run out of medication. Doctors’ visits for non-essential appointments are seriously limited right now. If you know that you are almost out of prescription refills, call your doctor’s office well ahead of time to let them know, and see if they can renew your prescription without an appointment, or if they can conduct an appointment over Zoom or via phone call. Medical professionals are extremely busy right now, so it’s important to make arrangements well in advance to make sure you don’t run out of your medication. 

Let someone know if you need to be checked on. If you know you aren’t doing well but you don’t necessarily have the energy to talk about it, just let someone close to you know that you would like them to check on you - this could be a weekly check-in to see how you’re doing, a daily reminder that you need to eat dinner, or having them remind you to go to bed if they see you online past a certain time. Figure out what you need, and communicate your needs to someone you can trust. 

Find one thing to look forward to every day. Find one tiny thing about tomorrow that’s not going to suck, and hang onto it. It doesn’t have to be a big thing. Maybe you’re going to have a can of your favourite soda, or watch an episode of your favourite show. Maybe you’re going to call a friend or read another chapter of a book you’re enjoying. Find something that you can latch onto as a reason to get up tomorrow, no matter how small. 

Let yourself rest. If you find that you need a lot more sleep than you normally do, that’s totally fine, and you shouldn’t feel bad or guilty about it. Living in a constant state of high stress is exhausting, and you may find that you need a lot of rest. If you don’t have the energy to do much more than sit in front of the TV and do a few basic chores, that’s fine - you don’t actually need to be spending your spare time reading War and Peace or learning to play the mandolin. If you need rest, let your mind and body rest. 

Just get through the rest of today. If getting through the rest of the pandemic seems daunting or overwhelming, don’t focus on that. Focusing on getting through the rest of the day. And then tomorrow, get up and do the same thing all over again. Take this situation one day at a time - the key to enduring this is not figuring out how to sustain your mental health for six months all at once, but to focus on sustaining your mental health just for the rest of the day, over and over again. 

This pandemic is a scary thing for a lot of people, and we don’t yet know how this will play out or when it will end. But we do know that it will end someday. Do the best you can to take care of yourself, no matter what your circumstances are - we will get through this. 

Mary Oliver, from “the fourth sign of the zodiac” published in Blue Horses

This is worth doing, no matter what outwardly-visible, culturally-acknowledged things I do or don’t achieve.

This is worth doing just for me.

This is a first and foremost a disability blog, and I saw a post regarding these protests that I knew I would have to address at some point. I know that all kinds of people follow me and this message is for all of you:

Social Media activism has its role, but a limited effect. You can do far more by donating to a legit movement than by reposting every little post about these protests. You can be aware of what’s going on, do your part, and still take care of your mental and physical health.

I know that the favorite line in response to acknowledging these limits is “black people can’t take a break from racism” which I agree but I also don’t get to take a break from ableism, sexism and classism. They’re soul crushing too. Just being physically disabled means I can’t even get up for my own rights, meanwhile I have severe anxiety that I know is worsened by gluing myself to world events.

Some of those people who need to step away do deal with racism. And by suggesting non black people can only support black lives by creating undue anxiety that can in effect cripple our ability to actually do something substantive is nonsense. It’s a guilt tripping performance of ideological purity, and downright harmful to all people no matter their identity.

Everyone needs a break, even those on the front lines, or your movement will die from pure exhaustion. So my fellow anxiety sufferers, you are not in any way letting black lives down because you aren’t rebloggong posts. I’m more concerned with donating if you can, and your vote this November. You can do so much more with those tools than any mindless page sharing.

Stay updated, stay involved, and don’t be ashamed for taking mental health breaks because by doing so you can be a more effective supporter. Right now there is a long YouTube art piece going around to raise funds for BLM movements though ad revenue, which I will Reblog again immediately after this post. Doing things like that is far more helpful than rebloggong every single protest post. You don’t have to do that no matter how many people shout out at you that you have no excuse, but they don’t know a thing about your life and what you deal with.

Support where you can but don’t let this become so destructive to your physical and mental health that you can’t even continue your support. We’re all human, we all have unique individual limits, even admidst a protest.

Stay safe, stay healthy, and stay mad about police brutality and racism.

Hey, I just want everyone to know that what the world is going through is a legitimate trauma. Full on. It fits the “official” definition and everything. This is a traumatic event.

That means that it’s normal and expected to find yourself using coping mechanisms that you thought you were done with, to find yourself numbed out, to be on the verge of constant panic attacks, to be acting impulsively and compulsively, to engage in very old patterns, to have wide swings of every behaviour especially regarding sleep, food, and sex.

The research shows that people in a traumatic situation who most often develop PTSD (which I would say we are all at risk of) or have their existing PTSD/C-PTSD intensified are folks who cannot or believe they cannot do anything about it the trauma event.

So, if you are able, look for a place in all of this where you can feel that you can do something. Harass a company not doing enough for its employees, sign a petition, check in on a neighbour, set alarms to remind yourself to eat (it’s on my own to do list for today), intentionally spend time every day doing straw breathing to shift your sympathetic nervous system response. You don’t have to become some social media hero, or spend all your time improving yourself. But if you can find something that makes you feel like you can do something for yourself that decreases the trauma load on you, it will greatly benefit you going forward.

If anyone has any questions about this, my asks are open, or you can message me. (I cannot do any online therapy, I am happy to share information about trauma itself and any tools that I know)

It is okay to reblog this.

- Registered Clinical Counsellor, with 10+ years specifically working with trauma

a lot of it depends on what you know about yourself! the stressfulness of a job varies SO much from person to person, depending on their abilities and preferences.

I would guess that people with AvPD probably value alone time (it’s restful), anonymity (personal connection is scary), and predictability (if you know what to do, you’re less likely to make a mistake and be criticized).

in general, back room jobs usually involve less face time with people. same with night shifts. stuff like data entry is usually pretty easy and chill, + some jobs like that will be short term, so if you have a hard time quitting, having the endpoint built-in can be a relief.

and if you’re interested in specifically limited-term work and don’t know where to begin, you can look into temp and staffing agencies! they coordinate all kinds of stuff like that, and you can tell them what sort of timespan you’re looking for.

here are some things to think about:

are you more stressed out by social interactions, or having to face things on your own?

can you self-manage? or do you need guidance and support from a boss, partner, or team?

do you learn quickly? how are your executive skills? prioritizing, initiating tasks, staying focused, multi-tasking etc. if these are strong, you might do great working solo (keywords like.. “self-directed” and “independent”)

would you rather interact mostly...

with customers, like in a retail store? (can be very stressful and fast-paced, but you’re basically anonymous from day to day)

or with coworkers, like in an office? (way more predictable and usually slower-paced. but they get to know you over time, so you’re much more visible as a person)

do you like corporate/chain environments, where there’s already lots of structure in place?

there’s generally a clear procedure for changing your hours, quitting, etc. and people don’t take it so personally. and your job is well-defined: you know what’s expected of you

but if having set expectations feels too inflexible and ‘trapped’ for you, then consider small local businesses, or places with very chill management (usually young managers, in my experience)

that’s all the general stuff I can think of ~ so I’m just gonna speak for myself now, and hope the example is useful!

my tactic is to look for jobs that

will put low responsibility/attention on me

involve something I actually like or am good at

and don't set off too many of my anxiety/stress triggers!

for less responsibility and pressure, I personally want to work with a group of other people doing the same job as me -- that way not everything is automatically My Problem, and I can stick to the things I’m good at. it also means I have a better chance of finding someone non-scary to help me and teach me, or to partner with. I can’t handle not knowing what to do, so being (functionally & emotionally) able to ask someone for help is A+.

I gravitate toward working with animals, books, and things I can physically organize or clean. I really enjoy that stuff -- which means it helps me self-soothe throughout the day.

(same with competence!! I feel inadequate and bad at things by default, so getting to do stuff I’m actually good at is really stabilizing and calming for me. but it’s not mandatory.)

I also watch out for things I know I’d dread/probably suck at. I have ADHD and social anxiety, so I try to avoid self-management, fast paced anything, driving, improvising, phone-heavy work, making public announcements and dealing with difficult customers. I generally look for more limited and pre-defined jobs so I know what to expect.

for me, this means even though I’d be fantastic at tech support, I won’t ever apply at a call center (phones! angry people!); with my memory and attention problems, food service would be a total nightmare, and probably so would receptionist work, managing other people, making deliveries, or anything in a very busy environment.

plus, here is a thing that I suspect might be AvPD-specific:

once I’ve had a job somewhere, I feel super anxious and avoid-y about going back there!! ever, for any reason!

it’s really severe (what if I see someone who knows me?? plus all the Shame Memories and associations and visibility agh. this isn’t healthy, but for now it’s where I’m at.) so ~ no jobs at my favorite places, otherwise I may never go back to them, and that would suck.

but on the other hand -- if you can find a place where other people’s normal is close to your normal, you’ll probably feel more at ease. like, book stores are very inviting for people (workers AND customers) who are quiet and not very sociable! gaming stores are super welcoming for geeks! you’ll fit in better if you already resemble the people there. which also means it’s easier to be invisible when you want to.

some things I’m seriously considering right now are

stocking at a bookstore

working at a flower shop or craft store

maybe a maid service or hotel

and I’m realizing that driving is a huge Thing for me, so I’m starting to look at just what’s nearby. that limits my options a lot, but it’s nice to know what my priorities are.

specific job options really depend on your background/skills, what sort of place you live in, etc. (big city vs small town vs work at home, even), but maybe this is a starting point for narrowing it down!

hope it’s helpful =)

do any of you have job suggestions that are fairly low stress? i need to try to get one this summer but i’m Afraid.