U Forgot The Tags

seeing through

self harm after one point, becomes a coping mechanism. Its often potrayed as glorification of the result of deep introspection leading to masochoism , or as attention seeking, and a varried array of things in between. All half true, but far too contorted to have been intended well. In all truth, this is just my story.

i harmed myself, underfed myself, deprieved myself of sleep, gagged myself, whipped myself, took random medicines. Everything. If suicide is included in self harm, attempted it perioidically. And frankly, some of the self harm was for attention, i wished to make myself worthy of recieving care. To put myself in such hurt that i could control, explain in lies, and have catered to in small dozes. But more than that, it was a coping mechanism to hurt myself. Because everything else would be misconstrued or result in consequences i did not intend and could not control. A outburst of anger would effect my ties, breaking things was not affordable, or sometimes not explainable,  Crying would lead to intervention into my thoughts. But self harm? no one would know, no one could question, and i’d come out “sane” , “normal”, there would be know “something’s happened to them, they’ve changed” , nothing. i could just inflict pain upon myself in places and ways no one could see, and then go about my day, following my passions, which were truly mine, but also all of me as everyone saw it. ANd there was also relief in harming myself, because , indeed my thoughts had mangled into this crowweb of hatred for myself, and the hatred of my love for myself. It felt real, and the pain felt mine, and sometimes it felt wrong, and so it felt right , because i thought i deserved it, i think so sometimes. Its a overlay between wanting pain, and also forcefully inflicting pain i don’t want, former because i think i’v wandered into masochistic desires and it feels poetic, latter because outside that poem i hurt from pain, but i think i deserve to be punished. so i do it myself.

on the sideway, suicide, just became an option, and once it did, somehow that made everything easier, that its going to end, in my control, so i can just do this, just not do that, just that. Failed suicide attempts have consequences and aftermath , of course they do, and more often then not, the guilt of having hurt others and the “selfishness” of it is already lingering in ur head on its own, the major aftermath is just a feeling of failure, and more ideation along with more self harm. Because maybe if you’re going to fail and then be put to the test for why’s and see others hurt for u, be angry, be troubled, or be unbothered by your pain, better sane up for it, so that the lingering apology in your head manages to find its way above the pain of the reality and you manage to set things right back they were before by convincing everyone so. Once self harm becomes you’re coping mechanism, it just  never really is comforting to be saved.

There must be a way out of it, there is, i know, but how will it be found if we don’t dig a creek in this soft grave and set paper boats to sway here. The sun dazzles, at the edges of such a boat, i know.

I do believe that death can’t possibly be the end of a human soul.  There’s too much a person builds up in a life to just vanish once it’s over.

the ghost of destiel canon

me.

people can hate doom scrolling and yes yes sense. go wiggle your toes. clouds and sunshine are nice. rolling in grass and hoarding pebbles seems is joyful and these papers need to be folded or scribbled over. numbers and words are very productive i see. 

but ,honestly the internet is so beautiful. its good to delve deep. find those oyesters.

goto go make origami for my rocks to look at.

Where Wind Meets Water

That the wind causes ocean waves is obvious to anyone who has spent time near the water, but the details of that process remain fuzzy. Many of the explanations – like the Kelvin-Helmholtz instability – only explain part of the process, usually the beginning when the waves are very small.  (Image credit: R. Bilcliff; see also N. Pizzo et al.) Read the full article

my minion hab made these flags for the goats.

I guess the revolution isnt happening after all. I wont lie, we (my goat wife & i) were looking forward to this. Especially her. I dont much care for technicalities. To me, we are as married as 2 goats can be. But as fate would have it, same sex marriage isnt yet legal in my country. Neither is adoption by same sex couples. But with the anger of the people, she thought #theysilencedyou could snowball into a real movement. That we might be able to wed one day, as other goats do.

You see, we become complicit in our anger. Caught up in the mundane intricacies of life, she in her job & I in mine. We forget how much has been taken from us. How much is being kept from us still. Our anger has to take a backseat for us 2 live our lives as normal goats.

But when something happens, no matter how small, to remind us of what we're missing, the anger wakes up again, like it did because of CW's censorship & queerbaiting. And in that anger is a spark that goats like me & my wife will cling to. Maybe the spark will light a fire, we think. Maybe this is the day it'll all burn down. Maybe now things will change. Maybe this time we'll be set free.

But it dies down. Like this is dying down. You'll forget your anger & we'll forget ours. & I'm the one that'll have 2 ask my wife to put her molotov cocktails away (she makes them with such dexterity). I was hoping to never have to do that again. For once, I wanted to see her set fire to the streets. She loves burning things. Carries a lighter in her pocket & smiles at the flames. & you should see her when she smiles, people. You should see her when she smiles.

But I'll do it a million times more (& I know she will, too) if it means we get to feel that hope again.

We don't regret the hope. Thank you for the hope.

and also dean never understands sam as a person, he only sees them as parents see their children. Not as another human capable of decisions, and containing thoughts, but as a being that will make mistakes and needs to be protected. He never saw sam’s addiction for what it was, his coping mechanism, but saw it as a fuck up from foolish choices. He never came out of thinking how anything sam does is just a bad decision, that he could have prevented. ANd he does go fucking things up to take control whenever given the chance, like killing whichever ‘monster’ sam decided was just as human as them. He never understand’s sam’s arch on having demon blood in him and first thinking of purifying himself of it and then embracing it and battling in between. It’s the same war crime parents commit on their kids. Like zero empathy space, because they are “children” and don’t know what they are doing, and god forbid they have “thoughts of their own” that are not “phases”. The whole toxic shit goes so much both ways and that’s why siblings aren’t supposed to be in the parenting dynamic.

still fucked up about the fact that sam started the series without like. Knowing dean. in dead in the water sam’s comment about dean caring about the kid - “who are you and what have you done with my brother?” and deans subsequently offended yet defeated face; sam knows dean like a child knows a parent, not really at all, distorted and incomplete, as figure and not person

Sry babe

meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeean

I never asked for love,

and here I am declared as your lover.

For the soul

it's like a sweet punishment...

...but the heart's been denounced

as a criminal.

I never asked for love,

and here I am declared as your lover.

For the soul

it's like a sweet punishment...

...but the heart's been denounced

as a criminal.

This glow on your face,

it's the fault of my eyes...

...they don't move away from it.

What should I do?

It hurts like a pressed nerve,

grows like a disease...

...captures the heart and mind.

What should I do?

I never asked for love,

and here I am declared as your lover.

For the soul

it's like a sweet punishment...

...but the heart's been denounced

as a criminal.

The heart says something

but does something else.

And it doesn't understand

any amount of pressure I put on it.

You owned my thoughts back then,

but now my heart is your slave.

Since the moment the heart became

your slave, it describes the soul.

Says, (the soul) keeps flying,

and salutes young love.

Then why does this pain keeps coming up...

...heart wants to go far...

...like a poison it starts to suffocate,

what should I do?

Sometimes it feels like

giving everything I own...

...sometimes I feel like giving up

the friend himself...

...to all these questions of the heart,

what answers do I give?

I never asked for love,

and here I am declared as your lover.

For the soul

it's like a sweet punishment...

...but the heart's been denounced

as a criminal.

“Take Me To Church” by Azra T.

just to add some rainbow sparkles, the spotify ask thing is going around, and this might be the only thing more romantic than destiel, so keeeep goin y'all.  find pieces of each other in songs u share

16 for the spotify wrapped thing 💕

👀