Ugh. She’s Such A Loser, I’ve GOT To Fuck Her!!1

𝚃𝚘 𝚊 𝚗𝚎𝚠 𝚋𝚎𝚐𝚒𝚗𝚗𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚠𝚒𝚝𝚑 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚜𝚊𝚖𝚎 𝚘𝚕𝚍 𝚏𝚎𝚎𝚕𝚒𝚗𝚐.

- B.E.

First request!!! Req by: @bilsluckyheart !! Thank you for your faith in me and i hope i didn’t disappoint <3

A/N: used one of my experiences and altered it some more!! Help!!

C/W: m*n mentioned, comphet implied, death mentioned (?), angst, hurt no comfort, no use of y/n, Billie referred to with her name instead of she once, hope i didn’t miss smt

Summary: You finally get a partner and as you said you didn’t care what they were like! You just wanted to not be alone. Is that what fulfils you? Is that what you expected to happen when you were finally “not alone?” Bet you didn’t expect to lose what you realised way too late was what you truly wanted there with you.

❀。 •*₊❀。 • *₊°。 ❀°· · ─ ·𖥸· ─ · · ❀。 • *₊°。 ❀° ❀。 •

A man, a man supposedly being your boyfriend but you can’t seem to help that you see him as a best friend more than anything. Sex feels rather like a playtime-pass time than intimacy - what’s supposed to be dates instead is like going out with your dad’s friend instead of your lover - being with him feels more suffocating than it does to be utterly alone.

Sick worried about your sexuality and cravings, controlling to the core. You needn’t have cut her off, did you? You didn’t like her like that, right?

Or was it just you being in denial? Have you thought how obvious it is when others hear how you talk to her, your tone, your blabbering, clinging onto every little detail ever just for the sake of a never-ending conversation. How your eyes light up the entire milky way the moment she looks your way, gives you attention, answers your texts, you you you in her mind you wanted it to be you.

And he saw that as a threat, his very own misery being contagiously inflicted to you, all in plain sight.

So many excuses for how he is- but you cant deny it. You don’t dare deny it, and you know it too.

The car rides you’d wish would lead to her, the friends you’d go out with you wished would include her, the indirect questions of his old friends in a flick of hope to hear about her.

She was never to be talked of again.

He broke up with you, why are you sad? Body shaking with devastation, tears running like real-life waterfalls, screams of a broken heart hope. You had only hoped you like him, you had only hoped you could convince yourself you like men, the way they like you. The closet shut so quick for the sake of being with someone for once, anyone.

It doesn’t take long until you realise you’re better without him, you aren’t miserable yourself, you were forced to be but yourself. The episodes and constant crying is over, your body has no one to reject anymore, so as the months go by, why do you still feel crashed?

Mind replaying the thoughts you had while dating him, how often you’d think of Billie, wish for her upon every shooting star, hoping your words would reach her under the same night sky.

You weren’t in love with her though? Right?

The times she’d laugh at your stupid jokes and you’d only grow warmer, all from inside out. The way she laughed at your idiotic jokes, eyes shut closed and uncontrollable irregular panting laughs, you felt your heart open up and flutter like a lotus. You weren’t breathing anymore - you were blooming.

Or how she would always react to you with a smile, no she wasn’t always happy, but she felt that way whenever you were in the picture.

You knew she wasn’t always happy, especially when you tried to contact her about a month after your breakup, after the breakup of probably the most pathetic relationship ever.

Her hometown being your own isn’t helping, with a new year of studies crawling in and summer days shortening she’s come to visit family and friends and you cant help but imagine every other girl she interacted with was you.

Stolen glances while passing by the street, yours were full head turns, trying to drink up as much of her as you can in that luck-pathed moment, whereas hers almost looked through you. Short and cold, like broken icicles used as daggers.

The eyes that once bent and twinkled with such a welcoming warmth you now find them leaving you breathless. The hands that once opened up like wings, fingers empty of their shiny rings, -something she always did knowing how the sensation makes you cringe unpleasantly- knowing she’s gonna see you, eager to be held by you contentedly, palms facing you with a silent request to hold them — now you see fallen, the only thing about them looking at you being the big shiny intimidating rings peeking from a fist.

The mud is dirty, the water is not the best. All kinds of things found around the pond taking a sip or a dip. But a lotus flower grows again tomorrow even cleaner than before. Why can’t she see it?

You a year ago today is nothing compared to you right now, you know what you are and what you want. So why is she suddenly scared to get wet? Why is every person attracted to the pond but her?

Everyone but the one you want.

The one person to bloom the lotus within you, the one to plant the lotus seed inside you, to keep it from rotting all along. She gave it life and left it with you to die.

Or at least you tell that yourself to feel better, better about the fact that you left her without a word and hoped for the best.

You hadn’t realised just how much time had passed, or that time had passed at all. Now out of your mind and back to your body, looking right at the entrance of a park, you hadn’t moved an inch since you looked back and was met with a killer gaze. The evening sky turning to yet another dark night. Were the nights always this cold?

You lean against the random buildings fence, state of shock unbothered. Your head tilts up as the breeze kisses past your features, thats when you realise your body has betrayed you yet again, wet cold teary cheeks.

Blink,, blink,,, blink… and you shot your eyes up ahead, the stars in the dark blue of the sky dancing along the hue of the endless horizon above and beyond, and for a moment you saw her eyes again, for a moment you saw her staring at you the way she used to. For a final moment before you felt your heart rip itself apart.

...

..

You had no outlet for your love to her, you didn’t have her. What was there to do with a feeling so tender that sucker punches your stomach the moment it sees the owner of it whole? A feeling that fights against your held back words and actions, trying to get out in any way, ends up finding that the only way out, is through.

There was no room for it. If you clung onto it, it would only destroy you.

insatiable hunger.

yearning yearning yearning, i write more of these little poem things than i do actual fan-fiction ‘m sorry </3 i hope you enjoy this too, though!!

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i see her face. in the ever fast movement the spinning world around me makes, i always catch her face — she’s driven me mad.

wether it be her or not, i’m hungry, and the more i starve the more insatiable i am bound to get. i need to feel the warmth of her flesh beneath my own, purposeful fingers holding, kneading, gripping her in place right next to me.

right on to me.

right, being one with me. yeah, thats right..

i am hungry in a way no plate of food can fix, nothing can take this empty feeling away from me, someone can only fill it.

and she looks so pretty, my body wants her to be the one to fill it. my mind is sick and elsewhere, twisting every other face on the street to have the same curve of her lips, the sharpness of her eyes missing the gleam they get at the sight of me. oh how she loves me.

in a moment of such depravity the roles have no names attached and the bodily abilities are only for each others hands to touch. i wanted her to hold me by my hair, and i find myself gripping the back of her neck. i wanted her to greedily steal sounds from my lips to fill hers with, and i find myself devouring her every breath whole. i didn’t want her to do things to me anymore, i wanted her.

𝐑𝐮𝐧 𝐚𝐰𝐚𝐲 𝐟𝐫𝐨𝐦 𝐡𝐨𝐦𝐞, 𝐜𝐨𝐦𝐞 𝐡𝐨𝐦𝐞.

- B.E.

AnoTHA ONE☝️ blurb leave me alone | again no use of names, just variations of “she” and “you”

A/n: did i get sad? Yes. Did i decide to make something out of it? Also yes. Is this projecting? Maybe.(Yes.) || I projected my tendency to literally run from home when i get too upset because i need to relieve my angrers energy into something thats not entirely destructive FHFEJJKS

i don’t know if this can be categorised as angst/comfort ?? But!!1!1!! (Its surrounded by comfort but whats comfort without the need for it)

Summary: You and Billie have been together long enough for her to see your vulnerable side, it didn’t take long to but it did take a lot of strength to. And this happens to be one of those times where you need nothing more in the world than to go home!

——･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ─: *.☽ .* :─ ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ.——

A blurry road ahead, a big blob of blended colours and shapes danced to the sound of irregular nose-huffs. Forehead sweaty and a hefty backpack bouncing on your back.

You’ve gone this path countless times, by now you can go there blind. Your body remembers all the turns and miles. Like your body needs to reach the destination.

You hadn’t realised just how tiring running this whole thing was until she came in the view - until you saw that short, long haired woman standing right outside, waiting for you, the woman that always knows what you need.

Strict hard nose breaths soon turn into open mouthed pants, bouncing bag thrown to the ground somewhere, anywhere off you, and you finally let your rivers flow.

A melody of countless “i’m sorry”’s spilling out your mouth as soon as your body comes in touch with hers, pairs of hands holding the other body like their own lives depend on it, mutual emotion being held and shared in and through both bodies.

She’s seen you this way a number of times, she has not once thrown a rejection at your vulnerable emotions needs, but thats not enough for your overworking mind.

The lock of arms around your waist and up your back giving you a squeeze, shushing hushing noises coming to caress your ears - “shh its okay angel, its okay. I’m here with you, i am here for you.” - caring the same like a mother would to her child, or maybe a person who’s not quite full when their sweetheart isn’t.

Words that go in through your ears, and circulate along your insides as if made to soothe you whole, whats a painkiller better than love?

“I’m sorry.” you sighed with the loss of a last deep breath. Composing yourself to pull away, managing to turn your head to face her, face red like a tomato and makeup running all along.

“Its okay,” she gave a small chuckle looking back at you, an affectionate hand reaching out to hold your face. “I know.” A voice just above a whisper.

For a moment while you look into her eyes, you think you can almost feel them. Like your burning teary face can feel the breeze and like the darkening evening sky suddenly shines all its stars above her.

While you’re focused on her eyes you lose track of everything else - like the fact that your breathing is now calm, your shaking hands have turned gentle. She noticed those though, taking your hand in one of hers and your backpack in her other.

“So what do you wanna do?” ..

“Im feeling a movie”

“So movie night it is!”

˚　　　　✦　　　.　　. 　 ˚　.　　　　　 . ✦　　　 　˚　　　　 . ★⋆.

　　　.   　　˚　　 　　*　　 　　✦　　　.　　.　　　✦　˚ 　　　　 ˚　.˚　　　　　　.　　. 　 ˚　.　　　　 　　 　　　　

torment

-B.E.

A/N: teeny tiny blurb🍓

ᝰ🖋️: suggestive duh?!

-ˋˏ✄┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈

thighs clasped together, squirming on the couch with a fidget need at the tips of your fingers.

“whats wrong? something happen?” so caring, so sweetly worried,

“im tired, its getting late” so fake.

a head turning at the clock looking with a squint, a faint held-back smile with an undertone of amusement to it. “its winter, the sun is down but its eight. since when do you get tired so early?”

she knows, the avoiding of eye contact, the excess fidgeting, the subtle moving of your hips. just enough to get the energy out of them somehow, just enough to go by unnoticed if it weren’t her goal all evening to get you just like that.

“since the sun did too.” monotone, but pained. an ache at the cords to make your replied coherent. she wasn’t born yesterday, you’re not hanging out for the first time, its obvious. neutral facial expression with uneven breathing, focusing on anything ahead as long as its not her, blank stare, a deer in headlights.

but she wanted to hear it. “ohh is the poet becoming the poetry itself? well don’t let me stop you,” without looking at her you could tell she was smiling, “go on if you have to.” she knows.

no matter the courage or the amount of times you backwards count, you cant stand on your feet. you’ve been trying, for conversations now. “i-..” cutting your own self off, you tear your eyes off the frame on the wall, dragging them all the way to her. “i don’t think i physically can” cheeks set aflame, a shameful giggle making its way out your chest.

this friendship has always been playful, and each time it gets more and more effective - which is both good and bad. depending whose perspective you see it from.

even when she tries her best to not smile, her eyes always do. they always did, her mouth didn’t have to. “whys that? need help?” such a tone. what a tone. she knew just the right buttons to push, like a favourite video game, she knew just what to do, and she would know so even blind.

“fuck off.”

it actually did go so well! i ended up also making thing out of paper, he looked a bit silly but i enjoyed having him around…

we had like a little halloween thing at school so it was funny to see other people dress up for once.

and you’re right, that’s so us. does it make it better if you know that i actually do speak spanish?

and maybe if you ask nicely i’ll reveal myself 🙂‍↕️

ohmygosh thing out of paper!!! thats so creative!! was he in 2D or did you attempt 3D?

i WISH we did halloween, but in February we have the carnival instead so theres that, at least we’ve got something

YOURE INSANE i do not, infact, know spanish. picture this in a fancy tone -> thou will have to teach me.

anon? making me be nice? on my own page? the tables?

i’d love it if you’d dm me so we could have a proper conversation, please reveal yourself and i pppromise you wont regret it, im fun to talk to (>ᴗ•) !

me n who..

U puppy 🩷

A r t .

- B.E.

Blurb :p | no use of any names for the characters, just “she” and “you”

a/n: first fanfic posted ever im so nervous | this was my yearning from some months ago i decided to make it into something more | please comment on your opinion on this im nervy

Not fluffy nor sexual but a secret third thing (sensual)

︶⊹︶︶୨୧︶︶⊹︶｡ﾟ•┈୨♡୧┈• ｡ﾟ︶⊹︶︶୨୧︶︶⊹︶

Have you got colour in your cheeks?

Leftover snack packets and crumbs of cookies and sugar littering the couch of the living room, clock read 12:38AM, its past midnight, yet for two girls with a sleep schedule as theirs, the night is still young, too young.

Family and friends long gone, others went home others went on dates, and another stayed behind to cherish this very moment.

Are there some aces up your sleeve?

Have you no idea that you’re in deep?

Laughs had hit the walls hours ago when they were once gathered up to 7, and even now at 2 laughs are still bouncing back and forth. Sneaky giggles and stupid jokes, unexplainable videos that just seem so funny when its late and for once youre not alone.

Energy drinks on the floor next to the bed and an annoyingly bright light hitting at the side to make up for the lack of sun, yet thats the last thing to bother you right now. Theres nothing that could actually bother you right now, not when you finally have her in front of you.

Ive dreamt about you nearly every night this week

Sketchbook in your lap, pencil in your hand and coloured pencils scattered along your side on the bed, criss crossed bodies mirroring each other face to face.

Even if your face wasn’t able to stay in one place. Even if your face couldn’t handle the urge to heat and melt your makeup off in the process, even if you couldn’t handle looking at her, as much as you couldn’t handle her looking at you.

How many secrets can you keep?

Your heart thumping in your chest the same way it does when you’re at a club next to the speaker, body shook with the beat of the speakers and the bass, and you couldn’t tell if its from the amount of energy drinks you’ve consumed this evening or her presence.

But this is better, oh this is way better, theres no eardrum-breaking noise, or people squished up together, stomach-stirring drinks, uncomfortable heels. None of that.

This is simply adrenaline in itself, it was the excitement pumping in your veins.

Cause theres this tune i found that makes me think of you somehow and i play it on repeat..

Emotions thumping at your heart and in your veins causing your blood to rush to your face, cheeks burning red, but the colour showed at your ears, palms so sweaty you hold your sketchbook carefully to not wet and bend the paper. Neck and collarbone stained with red rash spots, just how into her are you?

Shes not stupid now, you tell that to yourself to sleep better at night. She has noticed everything, a simple blood rush is nothing. The way you look at her when everyone is talking laughing and you’re quiet? When your choice of “recharging” your social battery is looking at and through her? When you’re alone and suddenly your voice drops to just above a whisper, sweeter than any sugarcoated candy? When you doodle her and her only out of so many people, there are 5 other people with you two, yet who do you draw the most? You spend all your effort and time on her, enjoyably so.

Until i fall asleep,

A hand picking up your own has a wave of goosebumps sent across your body, a wave of heat while doing so. An amused laugh breaks your gaze, from the mixed hands, up to her own stare.

Shes staring at you, and you’re wishing she would stare nowhere near you. The fear in your brain banging like a migraine, wordlessly telling you she sees it all, and the very same fear in your body, giving her all the confirmation she needs. Her eyes softening as her one-sided laughter dies down, and you’ve yet to actually see her. So far you have been too caught up in your own thoughts to see in front of you until now.

A hand holding your burning one to her also heated cheek, and a twinkle in her eye right between that blown out pupil and icy blue cloud that dances like the stars do on the dark night sky right outside the window.

“I knew you felt it too, Im not crazy to like you”

spillin’ drinks on my settee.

Hell yeah! I’m a big strawberry fan!!

I was just trying to predict your course or something I dunno. I usually get them spot on!

I was definitely feeling either psychology or art from you hehehe

- 🍓

oh you bet your ass i do art, alright!!

i cant imagine living in a world that isn’t consumed by creativity, it wouldn’t be me if not for art in every form

the feeling runs in my veins like it knows those rivers better than my own blood

as someone with stretch marks on my thighs i can hear the gods singing to me

YOU REALLY, REALLY KNOW ME

i never liked my crooked teeth.

you tell me their your favorite thing... anything else?...

billie couldn't seem to tear her eyes away from you, and it went the same way for yourself. your eyes trained on hers, lips only inches away from her own, plump, red ones, bodies so close together it was like you two were a whole.

"what's wrong?" she speaks softly, her voice so quiet, almost like if she spoke even a little louder, the ceiling would cave in and trap you together. not that you would mind being stuck with her for an eternity.

the frown on your face isn't exactly unnoticeable, but it definitely wouldn't be noticed by anyone who had taken a quick glance at you. but, billie... she always knew whenever you were feeling down, "nothin'."

"then why do y'keep biting your lip, huh?"

fuck. she knew those little details. she knew every little detail of your life and your personality and almost everything about you. your eyes wander, hesitantly moving away from her face and looking down at the bed sheets.

they were still wrinkled from your... previous activities. it was a long night, and when you came home, billie saw those tired eyes of yours. she wanted nothing more than to take care of you, and she wouldn't hesitate to take you again if you needed it.

"jus'..." you sigh quietly, harshly biting down on your lip again. billie quickly moved a hand to cup your face, her thumb running along your bottom lip to tug it from between your teeth, "no more, mama, ts' gonna start to bleed."

her eyes were still focused on yours, her hand moving your head up to look directly into her eyes. you were safe with her, and she wanted you to know that. always.

your voice is shaky as you speak, your hand moving to her free one and interfacing your fingers. they fit perfectly in one another's, almost like you were made for her. only her, "marks—the stretch marks.. on my thighs."

"don't feel pretty," you confess, "wanna be pretty f'you, bills. you're so pretty, i—" billie quickly shushes you with a kiss. after a full 30 seconds, she pulls away, the both of you almost completely out of breath. your faces are flushed, saliva connecting your lips.

her eyes dart from one of your eyes to the other, then down to your lips and repeating the action over and over until she finds the words, "you are so unbelievably pretty, Y/N, don't ever tell yourself you aren't." she whispers, squeezing your hand softly in reassurance.

before you can reply, she pushes you off her lap, switching your positions so that you were laying on your back and she was in between your thighs, "these—" kiss, "—just—" kiss, "—make you—" kiss, "—even—" kiss, "—prettier.—" kiss.

she kisses every one of the marks she can reach, her thumbs rubbing circles on your waist. her eyes stay on yours, watching as your lips curve into a smile and tears form in your eyes.

"think you need a 'lil reminder, ts' that right?"

@mseilishmwah @sophloveswomen @mxqdii @livialifesblog @devynscomet @her-favorite @br4ttyeilish @wiidfi0wer33 @loving1dsworld @tan1shere @fallingforfalll2 @cierraonline @dandelions4us @xoluvx @hrtsdollie