HAHAH You Know What, You’re Absolutely Right And I Love You For Bringing This Up. I Also Feel Obligated

Since my recent post about demi Neil erasure has gotten much more traction than I thought it would, here's a small post about how it feels and felt to realize I was demi because of Neil and then subsequently see tons of people disregard it.

(this isn't a call out or discourse post, just some personal stuff I'm airing out to hopefully help this stop happening)

It was kind of a big moment for me when I realized that like, Neil's thoughts on romance/relationships throughout the books wasn't just someone finally getting it right but someone writing from an ace spec perspective.

So seeing people (and literal friends of mine) say, "Well he is basically gay because he's dating Andrew," or any similar phrase hurts. On top of all the internalized shit I still have to work through seeing that sets me back so far. There is literally no justification for it. He is demi, it is not just a widely accepted headcanon. It's a confirmed canon fact, and he and very importantly every demi and ace spec person in this fandom deserve to have it treated as such. It erases such an important part of his character and the plot of the books. It erases his emotional bond with Andrew.

We rarely get ace spec rep in novels, and to finally have a demi character and see it taken away by people in this fandom because it's 'just easier to call him gay' really fucking sucks.

TL;DR: Neil is demi, he isn't 'basically gay'. It isn't 'easier' to call him gay either. If you want to get into semantics it's one extra letter to type. Calling him anything but demi hurts demi fans more than you may realize, and I hope this helped at least one person understand that.

hc that andrew’s really good at drawing, and bc of his eidetic memory, he can depict scenes perfectly. he didn’t draw much when he was on his meds, but got back into it when he was sober again. here are some memories i think he would recreate:

the “you know, i get it” speech (this one is a kaleidoscope of colours bc of his drugged state)

neil at ground level, andrew’s cigarette between his lips, giving andrew a mock salute (that scene right after andrew returns from easthaven)

seeing neil’s scars for the first time

aaron and nicky dancing, carefree, at eden’s

bee’s glass figurines (he adds to this drawing every time he gets her a new one)

sparring with renee

neil sitting on the ground at the foxhole court after calling andrew during his panic attack

neil leaning over the bus seat

matt grinning during an exy game

neil at the baltimore reunion (the rest of the foxes are blurs in this one because he only had eyes for neil)

sleepy neil curled up in the beanbag chair

allison and renee curled up beside each other

kevin coming in, drunk, with his new tattoo 

nicky and erik hugging when erik came as a surprise

kevin and wymack right before the final match

riko with his racquet raised above neil (he wasn’t going to draw this one, but he couldn’t get the moment out of his head and thought it might help to get it down on paper)

aaron smiling for a split second at a sarcastic comment andrew made

neil, yawning and wearing andrew’s hoodie

matt ruffling neil’s hair

allison painting renee’s nails

neil sitting on the rooftop, the sunset setting his hair ablaze

ice cream at sweetie’s (no cracker packets in this memory)

the first goal robin blocked during a game

neil on facetime, staring at andrew like he could never get enough

the first house that andrew could really call home 

sir and king climbing all over neil

neil and kevin wearing olympic medals

neil and andrew’s hands linked together

aaron and his family when they come over for dinner

neil, soaking wet and laughing during a watergun fight in their backyard

neil, smiling and happy and home

i’d like to think that, when andrew feels ready to show neil his drawings, they hang them up around their home. and when the foxes come over, they’re in awe at the memories and the love that is captured in the artwork, but they know not to say anything. dan gives them pictures, though, to hang up alongside the drawings, and they do

lots of fanfic makes nicky out to be completely clueless and hyper but in the books, neil says he thinks that nicky has to act more outgoing to make up for the twinyards antisocial tendencies, and he’s actually pretty perceptive - normally realizes as soon as he makes someone uncomfortable, could tell when neil was anxious near the end of the kings men leading up to raven game, just genuinely tries to help others and be a good person but he has to put up an act all the time

andrew after a nightmare and unable to stand touch, but he still needs neil. so neil stares at the ceiling and talks. not about exy, not small talk. he says what’s on his mind, he tells stories from his past (good and bad), he just fills the silence. and eventually, andrew reaches over and places two fingers on neil’s neck and focuses on his pulse. focuses on the life that this man radiates, this man that chooses him every day and stays with him and respects his boundaries and talks into the dark on andrew’s bad nights because he knows that andrew needs to be rooted in the present but he can’t grab his neck the way andrew grabs his, so the liar tells truths for free.

i have seen the phrase "book hangover" in reference to that feeling after you first read AFTG for the first time. so i ask the fandom, how long was everyones' hangovers for this wrecking-ball of a series?

mine was just about 12 months i think

it’s so wild that nicky and aaron could understand everything neil and andrew were saying to each other during the baltimore reunion scene, all the easy conversation and percentages and references to past comments, and they STILL had the absolute audacity to appear surprised when allison pointed out andreil’s not-a-thing relationship like-

hc that andrew’s wardrobe is entirely black... except for his socks, which are super colourful with ridiculous patterns

andrew definitely sets alarms for like 6:13 and 8:19 and it makes kevin So Mad

i absolutely ADORE when people say stuff like “head canon that neil and andrew dance to christmas music when no one is watching🥺” because like they absolutely do not but i love the enthusiasm

this idea just randomly came to me and i can’t get it out of my head so: the foxes as texters (we already vaguely know some info but i have stuff i want to add on)

neil is just the worst texter ever. like... one word answers, bland messages, leaves you on read 99% of the time. normally reads the texts at least, but he doesn’t text first unless he needs something, and he doesn’t make an effort to keep the convo going. phone is always on silent but with vibrations - he hasn’t figured out how to turn it off vibrate, and he doesn’t care enough to ask for help (esp since his phone is normally dead anyway). he gets better at checking his phone and answering calls when andrew leaves psu though

andrew either answers within 2 seconds or never answers at all. autocap is off and he never uses punctuation (not even for questions). messages are usually short and to the point, but he’s fun to text if he actually deigns to answer. mix of dry humour, heavy sarcasm, and obscure messages that you can only understand by remembering 6 throwaway comments 

nicky is very enthusiastic!! lots of emojis, instant replies for all, only punctuation he uses are exclamation points and question marks. isn’t deterred by bland texters (re: neil) and will spam you with no regrets. also sends lots of pictures! and he never says “already seen it” when you send a meme that he’s seen before - he’s just happy when someone thinks of him

dan usually replies within a few hours. uses excessive amounts of question marks, and her texts are filled with abbreviations. autocap and autocorrect are off. sends memes constantly, never afraid to ask someone to meet up or to start a convo w someone she hasn’t talked to in a long time. sends a ton of short messages in a row rather than one big one. only uses periods if she’s mad or it’s important

matt’s texts have a ton of typos, even though autocap and autocorrect are both on - he mostly texts w capslock bc he gets easily excited. uses punctuation, but not at the end of texts. gets back as soon as he sees your message, but it could be a while, bc he always puts his phone on silent during practice and classes. uses cute emojis all the time

renee has autocap off but autocorrect on, and she uses proper punctuation. many :) type of emojis but rarely the actual face ones. takes a bit longer to answer bc she wants to formulate the right response, but she’s very quick to reply if it’s an emergency

allison doesn’t answer for hours, unless she actually likes you. always has a ton of unopened messages, and says she’ll get around to them eventually. texting style morphs from person to person - perfect punctuation w neil, no autocap or autocorrect w dan, enthusiactic w nicky, etc. won’t text first unless she likes you or has something important to say or ask for

kevin’s texts are very demanding. def has autocap and autocorrect on. not afraid to spam until you answer him. he’ll send a massive text and then a ton of short angry ones. texts people when he’s bored and drunk texts constantly (you could be getting a play-by-play of his fav exy moments, or an in-depth analysis of an important historical figure, or be completely roasted). he has french, english, and japanese keyboards, so sometimes his autocorrect gives you a multilingual message. sends memes to anyone that they remind him of or that he thinks will enjoy them, but hardly ever answers any memes or posts sent his way

aaron is the sweetest texter ever with katelyn, all cute emojis and smiley faces, but he’s pretty dry w basically anyone else. has fun texting w the monsters though, and he’ll never admit it, but he loves getting spam from nicky and memes from kevin. the only people he sends memes to are nicky and katelyn. the messages between him and andrew could all but be in a different language (and sometimes actually are in german) for how chaotic and obscure they are. he’s the type of person to open your message and then forget about it for a week before answering

seth is direct with his messages and you never know if he’s being sarcastic or just really mean. sends posts to allison all the time when they’re on, ghosts her when they’re off. short messages, but happy to help keep the conversation going if he likes you. no qualms about spamming you if you don’t answer. sappy drunk texts

if you made it through that... good job, this is just a dumping ground for my random thoughts lmaoo