I Am Sorry For The Person I Will Become

how to train your mercenary

The Rebellion and Infighting

I have so much to scream about in this first set of three episodes, but the one I want to yell about the most is the theme of destructive infighting that grinds everything to a halt.

It was a more background theme last season, because Cassian was still making his way toward Rebellion. But this time it came out front and center in all four storylines.

In the wedding on Chandrila, everyone was at odds with each other. Nobody could agree on what to do or how to support each other (or who should be supporting who). They sniped and sneered and took passive-aggressive swipes at each other, both personal and Rebellion-related. The one that most desperately broke my heart was Mon's conversation with Leida, where she tried to offer her a way out ("what I wish my mother had said.") And Leida slaps the offer away like a toddler slapping away a spoonful of peas, continuing the mini-theme of mothers and daughters not understanding each other.

On Mina Rau, they did a little better, but not much. What seemed like a lovely little agricultural community fell apart for the Ferrix contingent because someone who seemed to be an ally turned on them to save himself. Plus Beela's mom didn't approve of Wilmon ("a toolie") and fueled Beela and Wilmon's little Romeo and Juliet storyline and making him late for getting the hell out of there.

And of course, there was the Empire, coming around and exercising control over where they went and if they were allowed to be here. The wording in this segment was just *chef's kiss* so specific. They worried about visas and getting caught without them. The Imperial called them "illegal" and "undocumented," a speech that could just as easily be heard from the United States White House today. And then heavily implying (in a nauseating scene that just built and built and built) that Bix could save herself by trading her body. (Buy your right to exist by being useful to the overlords.) And then when she refused, made it clear he was going to take it anyway.

It was most obvious in Cassian getting held up in the jungle by the rebel group, who were so busy squabbling with each other and shooting anything that moved that they didn't even notice a) Cassian manipulating them and b) the giant monsters that leapt out and ate them. Blunt? Oh yes. Obvious? Yepper. Meaningless? Not in the least.

Interestingly, the one storyline that took this theme of infighting and flipped it around to show what it means to work together was Dedra's. Not the Ghorman part of it, although that was riveting. (And the tourist film that Krennic showed was hysterically funny in its WTFery.). But shockingly, it's the dinner with Syril's toxic mom, with Dedra watching Eedy gleefully tear her son down. Then when Syril has to leave the room, Dedra wastes no time in laying down the law that unless Eedy falls the fuck in line, Syril will no longer be part of his mother's life. I hated everyone in that scene as a person, but I admit I cheered.

To return to Cassian's storyline, the reveal at the end of the second episode that it was all taking place on Yavin made me hoot and holler and laugh like a loon. But it also points to something this set of episodes has been laying out in giant flashing neon letters.

The Rebellion is a baby. It's a mess. It's a bunch of people all more concerned with fighting amongst themselves about who's more right and morally pure then actually doing anything real against the Empire. Even Cassian's theft of the TIE fighter was a total mess. He got bad intel and bad training and mostly did a hilaribad job of flying that thing.

But one day, the Rebellion is going to destroy the Death Star. And they're going to do it from this rainy, smelly, monster-filled jungle where a bunch of idiots played Rock Paper Scissors to figure out who got to be the boss. That is going to be the scene of the Rebellion's big triumph.

If they can get their fucking act together.

historians would call them best friends

I’ve gone insane and started writing a cliche fantasy novel

hearing officials and public figures criticize biden openly on talk shows and seeing newspaper headlines sharply decry israel killing aid workers is making me feel kind of crazy. like it could've been like this the whole time. before 40,000 palestinians were killed and the infrastructure of gaza destroyed. it could've been like this when people gathered their children in plastic bags at al-ahli hospital, when a poet and his family were assassinated for a joke, when journalists buried their families on air, when children were targeted by drones on camera, when a little boy holding his grandmother's hand in one hand and a white flag in another watched her get shot and die in front of him, when a cameraman was left to bleed out with a live counter for hours while his rescuers were shot, when patients were bulldozed in their tents in the courtyard of a hospital, when four babies were left die and decompose alone in their hospital beds, when six year old hind rajab was crying for help trapped in a car with the corpses of her family on the phone with the red crescent for hours until she and the rescuers sent to get her were killed too.

A Yuuji I did the other day bc I just wanted to draw without thinking too hard :D

Kisses

“Scared, Potter?”

“You wish.” Draco grins as Harry answers with as much confident that he has, even though it’s crystal clear that the Chosen One is quite nervous.

“Then kiss me.”

Harry settles gingerly on Draco’s lap, face basically two inches from the blond boy, his knees digging into the sofa as Draco’s hands move to circle Harry’s waist. The grey orbs, once again, captivate the green, not challenging, for once Draco strives for reassuring. Harry can’t quite move his gaze from the boy in front tof him –the sharp jaw, the high cheekbones, the pointy chin, the slender long pale throat, sharp grey eyes, pink lucious lips –they are just another feature to add to his good look, another thing that sharpen his beauty. Harry sighs softly, his breath warming Draco’s cupid bow. Draco looks gorgeous from the close distance.

“Are you sure?” Harry asks quietly, wanting to make sure Draco knows what he’s doing, and yet at the same time wanting to pull himself out of this awkward, embarassing situation. Harry drops his gaze to Draco’s chest, refusing to look at him as he can feel his cheeks and ears redden immensely. Suddenly he can feel fingers on his chin, forcing him to once again stare at Draco.

“I have never been more certain about anything in my life.” Draco says just as quiet. “You’re the one in control. Kiss me.” He closes his eyes, relaxing his body into the sofa, giving Harry the complete control of his vulnerable state. Harry can leave, of course, but then, Harry can also stay and kiss Draco like he has been imagining for quite a long time. Merlin, help him. This is his first kiss, Draco’s the one that’s supposed to teach him on what to do, right? Oh Merlin’s tits, screw it, let’s just do this.

And so Harry lets his eyes flutter shut as he leans forward slowly, cautiously.

Wait. No, this won’t do. What if he leans and he can’t capture Draco’s lips? What if he closes his eyes and kisses Draco’s nose instead? Oh God, he’s going to be sick. Fuck, he can’t do this, not on his own. Draco can feel how the body above him goes so tense and rigid, and so he pops his left eye open.

“You okay?” Draco asks, a tinge of concern colors his voice. “We can stop, you know. It’s okay if you’re not ready.” Draco’s fingers that stays on Potter’s waist start making a soothing, calming circle.

“No, no, it’s okay. I’m fine. I can do this.” Draco rolls his eyes with a small smile.

“Ever the Gryffindor, Potter.” then he goes back to his relax stance, eyes closed, hands slotting home at Harry’s back.

This time Harry puts both of his palms on Draco, covering his jaw, neck, and some part of his cheeks. His thumb instinctively caressing Draco’s cheek softly, trying to convince himself that this will turn out not so badly. He wants to kiss him, this is his chance. He leans forward once again, letting his lips ghost over Draco’s lips for a few moment, collecting all the courage that he got in his body, until finally he closes his eyes and leans forward a little bit more, covering the lips of the other boy with his own. Harry kisses him gently, softly, cautiously. Draco’s lips move to kiss him back, just as soft, just as sweet.

Harry can feel what Draco wants him to understand. This is Draco Malfoy, as vulnerable as he can be, lying bare under the control of Harry Potter’s lips. Harry can feel Draco’s heartbeats gradually speeding up under his palm, he can feel how soft Draco’s blond locks sliding between his fingers, he can feel the fuzzy warmth blooming from the pit of his stomach, slowly wrapping him inside this warm cocoon that make him tingles from head to toe. The kiss is gentle, almost heart wrenchingly sweet as Draco’s lips moves leissurely under Harry’s, pliant as ever.

He can feel the smile blooming on Draco’s lips. He can taste the residue of firewhiskey just beneath his lips. He can feel the way their body melts into each other, just simply existing, just two souls simply imploring each other for something more.

But then suddenly he moves.

And then suddenly Draco moves, and so Harry’s world tilts on it’s axis, forcing Harry to understand that it was never gravity that holds him to his world.

The kiss suddenly take a sharp halt and then the table is turnt.

It is consuming. It feels like there’s a fire consuming Harry’s body, and Draco’s the only relief he can get from the heat. It feels like the world is fading into blurred lights, rapidly changing and yet the time never moves forward. It feels like being onslaught, rapidly assaulted by emotions that Harry might combust. It’s so overwhelming that Harry feels like he might not survive from the kiss and every emotions that attacks him right now. It feels like suddenly nothing else matter beside kissing Draco’s lips –not even breathing, Draco is his oxygen. Harry can feel Draco’s hands trapping his jaw, his fingers settling at the nape of Harry’s neck. His glasses fogs up and squeezes deep into his face, until suddenly it’s gone, being thrown somewhere on the floor. Harry can feel Draco’s lucious lips beneath his–demanding, coaxing, teasing, relentlessly taking everything that Harry can give and at the same time giving more than what Harry can take. Draco kisses like he flies –firm, strong, elegant. He’s graceful, he’s relentless, he’s free as a bird when he flies. That’s what kissing Draco feels like –free. So free that Harry can no longer differentiate reality as Draco’s kisses keep blurring the edge of Harry’s pheripheral vision, making Draco as the only concrete object for Harry to hold on.

The heady feelings, the divine taste of Draco’s lips, the shy pleads from his tongue, the warmth he emanates from his body just completely consume Harry as he tries to cling to reality, as he tries to not lose himself under the mere spell of Draco’s lips. And yet, little did he knows that Draco is not in a different situation. They are both consumed by their passion, they are both just a mere particle that will combust into nothingness in each other hand, a collateral beauty, a sight to behold as they collide and dissolve in raw passion. And so they try their hardest not to lose themselves under the wrap of each other fingers.

But the world just keeps spinning faster.

And time keeps fading into an abstract concept.

And so Harry, for once, gives in to the boy underneath him.

Again.

And again.

And again.

Until The Slytherin Prince becomes the death of The Boy Who Lived Twice.

Teaser visual for Jujutsu Kaisen: Culling Game anime.

I can no longer stay with everyone.

this is just six of crows but here we go:

- nina and matthias never actually abandoned their duties for “love”. they accept each other, but at the same time are tormented by their loyalty to their country. nina and matthias are extremely homesick all the time; nina never discarded her faithfulness in ravka or grisha and matthias never renounced his religion. they changed because of one another, yes, but their story is not just “enemies to lovers”.

- inej’s sexual trauma can be set off when someone touches her - even when nina or jesper hugs her. she doesn’t react quite as badly as kaz, but physical contact still triggers her. she suppressed it so even kaz didn’t know about this until she told him.

- jesper can actually hold his own in a physical, non-gun related fight (i have proof). he is also smart enough to make his own guns with the help of a fabrikator, to argue with wylan about explosive materials and to pursue higher education. he is not just a comedic relief.

- kaz is ruthless, amoral and cold but he is not a distant boss to the other crows. he makes jokes with them, flips jesper off when they banter, jokingly calls inej “treasure of [his] heart” and nina “love”, loses bets to wylan and makes fun of matthias’s religiousness - most of the time he acts like their slappable friend with a dark sense of humor and a questionable haircut.

- wylan is not just jesper’s cute love interest that tags along on a job just for shits and giggles and the occasional booms and bangs. he is a deeply damaged child who still believes in goodness despite never believing in himself.

for people who haven’t read the shadow and bone/ six of crows books, but have seen the show:

- inej ghafa is a survivor of childhood sex trafficking. she has ptsd and reacts in a panic attack at even walking past the menagerie

- kaz’s trauma isn’t just pekka rollins being responsible for jordie’s death, and waking up on the barge. he had to swim to shore, age nine and barely alive, using jordie’s body as a float

- the darkling has done far worse things than are shown on screen. he is not a ‘lost man’ and alina is not his ‘balance’

- alina was seventeen upon the darkling being nsfw/ romantic with her

- matthias helvar did not lead drüskelle, that was jarl brum- matthias is only just barely an adult himself

- the crows are not their own separate gang, they are part of the dregs, who per haskell leads and kaz takes over from haskell after haskell sold out his lieutenant (kaz) to pekka rollins

- zoya, genya, and alina have personalities outside of either being traumatised or hating each other

- alina never wanted any of the power and fame and idolatry, and in the end of the books is stripped of it all. she is very happy about this

- jesper is a gambling addict and somebody who watched the death of his mother

long time no see)