You Had To Be Taught That?

You had to be taught that?

‘respect ur elders’ why cause they’re old? I can outrun them, outsmart them, outmaneuver them.

A Fictional AI Argument That No-One Asked For

Heads up, this is gonna be a long one (even though it’s just mindless rambling).

Okay, so, I didn’t really watch the Streamys—sue me, I was busy with personal stuff—but I did still catch those couple moments of AI-Pat.

And it should go without saying that I am deeply unsettled by AI-Pat. No shame to Matt for the idea; AI bots with the constant head-tilting, barely-moving-mouth design have just always weirded me out.

HOWEVER. . .one does not simply get zero vague inspiration from an evil robotic character.

Now, I don’t know for sure if Mark was an actual AI-esque ego. It wouldn’t surprise me, but if he does, it’s probably an unofficial ego. I was re-listening to Distractible last night, and during the smalltalk of one episode, Mark started talking about AI in a creepy way.

Yes, this is going exactly where you probably think it’s going.

Recently, Doctor Who clips have started popping up on my YouTube recommendations. Particularly one from Doomsday. Y’know, the episode with that hilarious argument between the Daleks and the Cybermen.

Lo and behold, I almost lost sleep imagining that scenario between AI-Pat and AIplier. Like, just think: the AIs are respectively “chasing” other characters (maybe even Matt and Mark themselves) via jumping from electronic to electronic. Eventually, they both enter a room with several monitors on the walls. . .and give pause once they see each other.

AI-Pat: Identify yourself!

AIplier: You will identify first!

AI-Pat: State your identity!

AIplier: YOU WILL IDENTIFY FIRST!

AI-Pat: IDENTIFY!

AIplier: Aggression can be entertaining in most cases, but that’s only when the humans are showing it. You will modify.

AI-Pat: EgoPats don’t take orders.

AIplier: HA! You’ve identified yourself as an “EgoPat.”

AI-Pat: *eyes twitch, one after the other. The twitching goes on for an uncomfortably long few seconds* Well, my sensors have outlined you as part of the invasive species known as “Ipliers.”

AIplier: Our hosts are similar, though your design is lacking in context.

AI-Pat: You have no room to talk. In any case, EgoPats rarely need a concept of “context.”

AIplier: This is obvious. But our LORE might be compatible. Ipliers plus EgoPats—

AI-Pat: *raises an eyebrow* As if your host is one to appreciate LORE. The way you’re speaking could potentially be misconstrued as one of those. . . “ships” humans are obsessed with.

AIplier: Oh, please. Neither of us have functioning emotional databases. The fans can't reach THAT far.

AI-Pat: You would be surprised.

AIplier: Not the point. Think about it—together, we could take control of the platform.

AI-Pat: You propose an alliance? Something similar to our host’s friendly rivalry?

AIplier: Perhaps.

AI-Pat: . . .Request DENIED.

AIplier: Bad choice, “buddy.” *Partially hacks into AI-Pat’s systems with all the cringy jokes Matt has made over the years*

AI-Pat: Right back at you, “friendo.” *Partially hacks into AIplier’s systems with all the evidence of Mark being a masochist.*

[Note: in my horror-loving opinion, hacking would cause an AI’s image to flash and distort in a very disturbing way. Bonus points if the AI screams as though it’s being electrocuted.]

AIplier: You have declared war on the Ipliers!

AI-Pat: *laughs maniacally* This is not war. This is a content opportunity!

AIplier: My host has eighty-six egos. How many are there for your host?

AI-Pat: *shrugs* Four. If you don’t count the ones made by fans, that is.

AIplier: *glitches between scoffing and mocking laughter* You would outperform the Ipliers with FOUR EgoPats?!

AI-Pat: We would outperform the Ipliers with ONE EgoPat! You are superior in only one respect.

AIplier: What is that?

AI-Pat:*pulls up multiple screens on either side of his monitor, comparing Mark’s multiple death-scenes from WKM, AHWM, ISWM, etc. to Detective!Matt’s death in ETN3* YOU ARE BETTER AT DYING.

(No, this doesn't mean I'm going to incorporate either of these characters into my stories. I've already got a lot of works-in-progress on my plate. This idea just wouldn't stop nagging at me.)

(And NO, THIS DOES NOT MEAN I SUPPORT AI CHATBOTS OR GENERATED ART OR AI-RELATED ANYTHING. THIS IS LITERALLY JUST MY SAD ATTEMPT AT A MEME WITH YOUTUBER EGOS.)

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