Close Enough, Welcome Back Shorter Wong

I wasn't planning on writing anything for Cowboy Bebop but two open documents and a bunch of chapter notes later, here we are anyway.

You should sleep

TW! self-hatred, grief, apathy, dehumanization, more tw's to be added

Note: this is a diary page written about my own emotions/struggles/views. it's written in second POV

Date: 8/24/24 -- 2:45AM

            You should really be sleeping now, not reading. Or writing, in this case, but it’s hard to sleep when you feel like you’re wasting your life! The voices of your loved ones ring in your head. ‘’you should make the most of it now’’ or ‘’you should go out more’’.

             You know that already, but you have no desire to see the sun or touch the grass—not when that specific presence isn’t with you. Something inside you has died, and all the joy has simply faded away. It’s hard. It’s hard to enjoy, to laugh, to feel. The emptiness within you is the worst thing in the world. You wish you could fill it, but nothing is ever enough for you.

Nothing satisfies the hunger of the monster you’ve become. Yes, you call yourself a monster. Because it’s true—you are a monster. You don’t heal, you don’t grow, you don’t change, you don’t believe or live; you only deceive. It’s a trait you inherited (you won’t say from whom), and it’s a burden. The destruction you bring is absurd. How can one person bring so much destruction? Why are you like this? You’ve destroyed so many things in your life. It’s depressing—so, so depressing.

            Sometimes I wish I could restart or pause, take a breath of fresh air, or have someone hold my hand and say, "Okay, slow down, breathe. Now, tell me." I’ve said those words to others many times, but why don’t I deserve to hear them? Why am I so different? Not in a cheesy way. Hell, I’m not even going to try to explain what I mean. If someone reads this someday, they’ll either understand or say I’m dramatic and stupid.

And to those who understand—I’m sorry.

I know how much you want to be held but can’t stand being touched. I know how you long for someone to pet you on the head, but you hiss and growl like a wild animal. I know how you yearn for warmth, yet still prefer the cold. I know how you read just to escape into those stories, to live vicariously through those characters, to imagine that your life could be like theirs, with those specific experiences. I know how much you want to live, to feel, how you start to absorb the emotions from the stories you read, just to feel something. But it’s not yours. That story isn’t yours, that emotion isn’t yours, that life isn’t yours—and it never will be. You’ll rot forever, alone, because nothing is good enough, and if it is, you can’t trust it, so you destroy it.

            That’s how you monsters operate. You seek comfort, you seek emotion, you seek getleness and when it’s given, you refuse it, you damage it, you destroy it. I’ll give you my gentle hands, and you’ll return them scratched and calloused. It’s your nature—to manipulate, deceive, destroy—over and over. No one knows what it’s like to be destructive, how dehumanizing it is. No one can come close because they’ll break or rather—you’ll break them . They’ll lose a piece of themselves, leaving empty and incomplete, because you just take and take and never give; you take away from others to fill your own void in your chest, to fit in whatever you can because it hurts. You once believed you had a heart, that you were good, but there’s no good, and there’s no heart and it is your own fault. You are what you hate the most. That’s a bit pathetic, isn’t it?

            You should really stop, but all these emotions and thoughts that aren’t even yours are swirling in your head. You wish so much to be loved like the characters in the books. You wish you could be in their shoes, even with all their suffering, just to finally feel something other than the ache of the void in your chest. You swear, no one knows emptiness and loneliness like you do. You know you’re isolating yourself, but you don’t know why (maybe to protect those around you, maybe because deep down you care, but then you remember that there’s no deep down and that you are what you do). Your chest burns unpleasantly when people talk to you, and it feels gross, it feels wrong, foreign, unnatural. Sometimes you don’t even feel human, you feel like you lack the humanity necessarry to call yourself that. You’re confused, scared and uneasy, you aren’t sure what you are anymore. Are these your thoughts? Are these your feelings? Did you become someone else again?

You should really sleep

This bitch- 😃

Called the DDD on his ass so quick

I could stare at his eyes forever

❥ quick lil fic for Spike Spiegel my beloved ❥ ft. dancing, a little drinking, a lot of flirting ❥ now playing: Messages from the Stars - The Rah Band

He moved with an easy grace, embodying the music in a way you wouldn’t have guessed from his lanky frame and rumpled suit. The flashing club lights gilded his dark curls and dripped down his sharp limbs. You couldn’t take your eyes off him. 

A sheen of sweat glued his dress shirt to his muscled chest, his eyes thankfully closed as you stared shamelessly. You had been nursing a drink for the last hour since your friends had gone home with conquests early on. It seemed that your patience had been worth it, though you wondered how you hadn’t noticed the gorgeous stranger sooner.

You slammed down the rest of your glass and hopped off the bar stool in a burst of courage, shouldering your way through the swaying mass of people out to forget about their problems with a little music and a lot of alcohol. You wove your way to the edge of the dance floor, claiming a spot just beside the tall man as you began to dance on your own. 

The DJ was better than usual, spinning something deep and synthy that rattled your spine. You let the rhythm sweep you up, swinging your hips and sliding your hands along your chest and waist as you tried to catch his eye. Up close, you could see the wrinkles in his dark blue suit, a wide collar narrowing into the too-thin tie around his neck. It fit tightly around his shoulders, straining a little in a way that made you anxious to see what he looked like beneath the sweaty yellow button-down. 

“Just planning on staring all night, or are ya gonna come talk to me?” The cocky voice came from the man beside you. He took a slow glance up and down your body, winking when his eyes landed back on your flushed face. 

“I wasn’t staring!” You protested lamely.

“Sure, sure. It’s my personal policy not to argue with a pretty lady,” he smirked, hands up in mock surrender. The gesture only made you realize how long his fingers were, the strength in his calloused hands... Fuck, you were staring again.

“My eyes are up here,” he teased. “And the name’s Spike.” 

“Funny name.”

He shrugged, still smiling. “I’m a funny guy.” 

“Is that right?” You tried to slip an edge into your voice but all that came out was a tease. And he seemed to like it, judging by the way he danced closer, all sharp angles and smooth smiles.

“Yeah, that’s right.” He didn’t crowd you, just grinned down behind that dark green halo of strobe-lit hair. “You here on your own?”

“My friends found distractions already.” You shrug, trying to match his nonchalance.

“My bad. I should’ve asked, are you seeing anyone?” He paused, laughed a little before correcting himself again. “Lemme be specific. Are you seeing anyone who’d try to kick my ass if I danced with ya?”

“Are you asking me to dance, Spiky?”

“Are you saying yes?” He closed the gap between your bodies and hovered his hands over your waist, bending to whisper against your ear. “And it’s Spike.”

“Okay, Spike,” you murmured back, a little dizzy from the closeness of him, the heat of his breath on your skin. “Let’s dance.”

His big hands settled on your waist, heavy and grounding. The song changed almost as if he’d cued it, and his grin widened as he twirled you out to arm’s length before spinning you back against his chest.

The hi-hat settled in his hips. Each beat hit somewhere in his body, passed down along his arms and legs in fluid motions. He pulled you along with him, swept up in the tide of his dancing.

“Where’d you learn to dance like that?” You asked, leaning close to be heard over the music. His laughter spilled like soda, bubbly and sticky-sweet. You felt it more than heard it, pouring down your spine.

“Everybody can dance, doll. But not everybody does.”

He had you then, even if he didn’t know it yet. You were caught up in the rhythm of him, the rumpled sexiness of his devil-may-care attitude, the sparks that lit up the dingy club when your bodies touched.

You were proud that you could keep up with him, the effort of it making your cheeks flush. You slunk around him, matching his moves with ones of your own that brought you ever-closer, your hand slipping down his chest, your ass pressed against his waist as you dropped to the floor and climbed back up.

Spike followed your lead, touching only where you had invited him to. His eyes flashed as you pressed up against him with a knowing smile. He smirked, made no effort to hide the effect you had on him, his hands eagerly mapping each new territory you opened on your body. By the time the dance ended you were entwined.

In a surge of confidence, endorphins and alcohol swirling in your gut, you curled your fingers around his lapels and tugged him in for a breathless kiss. He returned it instantly, his lips soft and yielding against yours. You felt him smile as you nipped at his bottom lip before breaking away.

He smiled crookedly, running a hand through his unruly hair. “You’re something.”

“Something good, I hope.” He nodded confidently.

“Very good. Hey, do you smoke?” He stuck his hands in his pockets.

“I don’t, but I’d watch you do it.”

Spike laughed. “Cute answer.” He took your hand and led you off the floor and out a side door. You thought for one wild moment that you would’ve followed him anywhere.

The night was clear and cold. It sobered you a little, your ears still ringing with the aftermath of the music. He let you go and leaned against the wall to fish a crumpled box of cigarettes from his pocket. He began patting his chest and thighs for a lighter but came up empty.

You watched for a bit, entertained, then caved and pulled a lighter from your purse. “Use mine.”

“Thought ya didn’t smoke?”

“I don’t. But sometimes someone needs a light.”

He smiled slowly, then shook his head. “I’m glad I’m the one who gets it tonight.” He watched you from under his eyelashes as he tapped out a cig.

You clicked on the lighter but didn’t move closer. The smile seemed permanently stuck to his face as Spike leaned closer, forced to bend over your outstretched hand to catch the flame. He sucked in, the tip of his cigarette a flickering orange moth.

“How does it taste?” He gave it some thought, the span of a few more exhales into the dark.

“Terrible,” he said finally. “But it takes the edge off.”

“Do you have much of an edge?”

His lips curled like the smoke. “Like you wouldn’t believe.” His voice was harsher out here, raspy and low, but his eyes were softer. You let his words linger and dissipate under the stars.

“Can I have a taste?”

He wrinkled his nose and waved you off, tongue-in-cheek disapproving. “No way. Not if you’ve never done it before, don’t want ya blaming me when you get hooked. Kills the mood.”

“That’s not what I meant.”

“Hm? Mmphh…!” You don’t give him time to process your words before you’re kissing him again, pinning him back against the wall. His eyes go wide, his fingers flex, then both close tight as he melts into you. The cig falls forgotten to the concrete.

Spike curls into you, holding your icy cheeks in his warm palms as he kisses you back passionately. You taste the cigarette on his lips, but it’s drowned out by something deeper, then washed away entirely when he slips his tongue into your mouth. He swallows your moans, holds you up when your knees buckle at the way he teases you, pulling away to kiss the corners of your mouth before diving back in deep.

He’s stronger than you but pretends not to be, happy to let you hold him down on the wall, your fingers tangled in his hair. He spreads his legs, letting you move between them to press against his growing hardness.

Spike’s hands are restless, moving from your cheeks to your shoulders to the small of your back, molding you to his shape. He breaks first, breathing hard with his forehead pressed to yours. He crushes the smoldering cigarette under his heel.

The stars are even closer when you open your eyes, drawn in by the gravity between you and Spike. They gather like they want to hear a secret, and when his kiss-bitten lips find your ear, murmuring an invitation or a promise, they blush with you.

How to get this song out of my head?

Just thinking about the fact that this man is about to be animated

"Ya ain't getting a statement out of me!"

The Admiral dose not like this fucked up cat that smells like human

Meanwhile cat!Jon is devastated he can’t have his cat buddy

Smack smak

Cat!Jon made by @ultramarinaa

Starting my 20th year with Ibuprofen

Alucard, looking at his victim: Spineless bitch.

Anderson: OF COURSE HE IS, WHEN YOU RIPPED IT OUT YOU BLOODY HEATHEN!