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This is me; my Life

“I don’t need you to respect me, I respect me.

I don’t need you to love me, I love me.

But I want you to know that you could know me,

If you change your mind.” – Rebecca Sugar’s “Steven Universe” (2019)

This is a simple message. But one of the most powerful ones you could and can ever learn. There are many of us who desperately need(ed) this. The message is this. There is nothing wrong with you and who you are. The person you are is worthy of love, respect, and kindness. Not only externally, like from friends, family, and other peers. But also, Internally, from one’s own heart and from the self. I know there are many people who have internalized dysphoria. And they’re restless, tossing, turning and struggling.

The problem is not inborn. It’s developed over a life time. A life time of expectations, and experiences that have lead them to believe that the person they are is not normal, or natural. (For whatever reason, be it the body, blood, mind or spirit or anything else for that matter) And therefore unworthy of grace, love and kindness. However, this is the thing that is not normal. Despite this it has become the standard. A lie, A fatal flaw that now reigns over lives. A single idea of confirming normality. Do not dehumanize your spirit. You do not have to justify your existence. We are not extensions of a society. Strike that reverse it. Society is an extension of us. And if you have felt in any way; ignored, harmed, slandered, disenfranchised or have been left with any other negative emotion, you are not at fault, you are not to blame. You have not committed a failure. It is the collective idea of “Us” that has failed you.

A Simple Message, A Thesis, A Conversation.

You are worthy of love.

I woke up with the strangest feeling of loss, grief and regret this afternoon and it's lingered still. I thought of this exchange once when visiting with my parents. I sat at the dinner table in the kitchen while my Mother was making dinner. I was complaining about some problem I had, "I really wish I had listened to my Father." My Mother asked "Why? What did he say?", and I admitted back to her "I don't know I wasn't listening." I thought about Daedalus his son Icarus in the Fields of Asphodel colliding into one another in their grief, both now just souls on the other's side of River Styx, their version of the hereafter. Daedalus holding his son's face in his hands, with streams of tears running from his eyes. "My son I am so sorry" he would say over and over again. "No Father, do not be sorry, it was me I should have listened". Daedalus in his grief and regret "I only wanted you to be free.", Icarus would try to reassure his father despite them both already being dead "I was, I was free, even if only for a moment, from the sun to the sea."

The man on the left is Me and the man to the right is My Father. And if speaking honestly I have never given that man enough credit. Most of the best things I am, I inherited from him. He takes up most of me. Literally half, and figuratively far more than that. He has been a constant pressure in my life, and first It's like what, that doesn't sound great but then you remember that's what turns carbon to diamonds. And yeah there's has been a lot tension and friction in our relationships past, but nothing has ever been polished or shined without those exact things. My Father has always loved me without any modifier. He has been of a sturdier stock than I, and his firm guidance has always been to a better path than the one he had to walk. Once I remember my youth pastor compared my Father to how fountain square (Our home) used to be, and I am like how Fountain Square is now. And I don't think there could have been a better metaphor because while we are two different people where share the same base, and we may present ourselves differently but our love is just the same. My Father, I call him "old man", because I know I will always be able to depend on him in any age or time. My Father, if my life were a house he would be the frame. My Father, once with reluctance but now with reverence I carry his name. My Father, I have never given that man enough credit, and starting now Id like that to change.

Custom Wire Wrapped Necklaces

These are the stones I have available for wire wraps, for those of you who are interested!

If you would like to claim one, please be sure to read this entire post!

So here’s the rundown. Below is a picture with each stone numbered, and below that is the name of each stone, along with the price.

The price includes the following: the stone wrapped in the metal of your choice (sterling silver, 14k gold fill, 14k rose gold fill), an 18″ chain finished with a handmade clasp, and it includes free shipping worldwide! 

You will choose the style they’d like it wrapped in. There are three example pics below. 

Payment is due when the stone is claimed and all the options are chosen (metal, style, etc). PLEASE NOTE - these will be completed in late May 2023. I will aim to have them done before the end of that month. They take a long time to make, please make sure you’re okay with the wait before ordering. I put the utmost care into this and have extreme attention to detail, and when that combines with my busy schedule, it means that it can take a while. I always aim to get them done early, but sometimes it’s not possible. If you are buying one for a certain event or deadline please be sure to let me know when ordering, so I can let you know if it's possible for it to be completed before then!

To claim: send me a message over the instant messenger with your email address, the country you’re in, the stone you’d like to claim, the metal you’d like it wrapped in, and the style you’d like it wrapped in. I’ll then send your invoice and get started on your pendant! :) 

*Note* These are some of my best, highest quality stones! I’ve been collecting (and hoarding, if I’m honest) hundreds of top-quality stones for 10 years to build this collection I can share with you.

Here are all the stones:

Brecciated Azurite - $140

High-Grade Old Stock Ocean Jasper - $140

High-Grade Old Stock Ocean Jasper - $140

Lavender Quartz Facet - $155

Highest Grade Rainbow Moonstone - $180

Highest Grade Rainbow Moonstone - $175

Deep Red Garnet - $145

Watermelon Tourmaline - $145

Blue Apatite - $135

Genuine Spectrolite from Finland - $150

XXL Genuine Spectrolite from Finland - $325

Rainbow Obsidian - $135

Gold Sheen Obsidian - $120

Silver Sheen Obsidian - $115

Silver Sheen Obsidian - $120

Lavender Chalcedony - $135

Australian Crystal Opal Triplet - $125

Fire Agate - $125

Mozambique Rose Quartz - $120

Blue Labradorite - $125

Rare Purple Labradorite $145

Rainbow Moonstone - $130

True Silver Moonstone - $140

Lattice Sunstone - $140

Confetti Sunstone - $135

Star Ruby - $140

Chatoyant Sapphire - $160

Red Rutilated Quartz Facet - $135

Epidote Included Quartz Facet - $140

Clear Quartz Facet - $115

Black Tourmaline & Epidote Included Quartz Facet - $185

Harlequin Quartz - $160

Phantom Amethyst w/ Inclusions - $150

Ethiopian Opal - $155

Rare Genuine Andamooka Opal from Australia (15.8 carats) - $435

Vietnamese Ruby Gourd Carving (22.75 carats) - $425

Cat's Eye Pink California Tourmaline (San Diego co.) (12.3 carats) - $230

Morganite from Russia - $170

Chrome Diopside from Russia - $180

Pyritized Ammonite Fossil from Russia - $180

Dianite (Russian Blue Jade) - $160

Amazonite from Russia - $120

"Blueberry" Azurite Geode from Russia - $140

Uvarovite Garnet from Russia - $185

Mongolian Turquoise - $140

These are the styles you can choose from (I do very minimalist wrapping so the stone really shines through! And the wrapping is super sturdy!) 

Style #1 (prongs): 

Style #2 (symmetrical): 

Style #3 (asymmetrical):  

I will cross out each stone as they are claimed! 

Extra little note: I have some square wire if you prefer that to the round, just let me know!

Thanks, everyone :) 

I'm just gonna talk here for a minute. I've been stuck at home a lot these last few days quarentining. I just have had thoughts I want to share I suppose and when you are single and live alone in the middle of a global pandemic, sometimes it's hard to find an ear. Like seriously TL;DR who wants to be lectured at. So sit with me for a minute or scroll past this I guess. A lot of us are probably familiar with the famous Dutch painter Vincent van Gogh as an Artist. He was born in 1853 to a middle class family in the Netherlands. He was kinda solemn and quiet. He worked as an art broker for a while in London, and even was a missionary for a time in Belguim. Before becoming a full time painter in France. In his life time he made over 800 Oil Paintings mostly in the last two years he was alive. He wasn't successful as an Artist until after his death. In life he only sold one painting. He was known to struggle with Mental Illness. A Great record of this is in The Letters of Vincent van Gogh. They are available for reading for free through the Van Gogh Museum. This where I'm a lot more familiar with the artist. More as a Writer. There's over six hundred collected letters between him to his siblings, to other impressionist artists at the time or even to critics. Written across three languages, Dutch French and English. Most of the Letters are to his brother Theo van Gogh. In his Letters to Theo he writes with this sense of duty, and calling. Of Urgency. Vincent very often questions his place in the universe, and what he could be doing to better it. If I had time to annotate and write and comment about all 600 letters, I would. There is a lot of meat there to understand him as a person, and by extension an Artist. And when you understand someone else's story better you also sometimes understand your own better too. But I'm just gonna take some selected thoughts here and think alongside him. In April 1878 Vincent writes to Theo pontificating about the proverb "We are Today, what We were Yesterday.", to Segway to my next thought I want to say twelve years later in 1890 Vincent would die by a self-inflected gunshot wound. He was 37 at the time of his suicide. There's this book, "A Grief Observed" by British Author C.S. Lewis which was written in response to his wife's death, American Poet Joy Davidman. Lewis writes "The Pain I feel Now, is the Happiness I had before. That's the Deal" it's published almost a hundred years after Vincent's letter. I wonder if in those last few days of their respective lives if they had thoughts that looked like this often. Where Compassion decays into Despair, or "The Pain we are in Today, is the Happiness we had Yesterday". We can't ever know for certain what thoughts Vincent had on that sad height. But back in that April Letter, I think he finds some peace there. In his closing thoughts he writes "Woe-spiritedness is quite a good thing to have, if only one writes it as two words, woe is in all people, everyone has reason enough for it, but one must also have spirit". Almost all of Vincent's paintings were made in the last two years of his life. Those are the things he left behind. Those are things we inherited. His Woe, but also more importantly his Spirit.

We are empty vessels and the hollow casks. Our spirit is the kindling and love is our fire. Burning blazing brilliant. Most other things are cheap substitutes for the kindling of our fires. They are meager, and fleeting. Dying. Love is eternal. So, so are our spirits.

Double puff, just to be safe.

There was this moment yesterday morning around 6:30 am. It was after a rough night. A fair amount of people had called off from work, we were short staffed, and it felt like everything that could be going wrong. Was going wrong. Eventually we got over whatever hurdle we were facing, and we moved onto our next plane assignment. The flight was an international one, so they load the pilots up with food. Sometimes they dont eat all of it, they might give out whatever is left to the workers offloading the plane. There was Cheesecake on this particular flight that they didn't eat. I got dibs on it. It was a frustrating night, and I felt gross and sweaty. I was exhausted. But there was this moment where I was sitting in the bay door, watching the sunrise, eating on some of best chocolate cheesecake I've had in a while, and for some reason my brain went to that quote that Wanda said to Vision. "You are my Sadness, and My Hope. But Mostly You are my Love." We get these moments in our lives where we can get Angry and Upset, or where all we are is Sadness and what Pain we might feel. But there are others where we get those moments in the sun, at least in my experience, these precious moments despite whatever trial and tribulation I am going through, I can whisper in quiet satisfaction to the world or maybe to myself "But, Mostly you are my Love."

I will remember flowers in glass vases.

And shoeless feet in grassy places.

I will remember caramelized skin. And a smile even sweater.

And movie nights, cuddled on the couches Sitting next to the heaters.

I will remember golden-brown hair. And the the way it felt.

I will remember dark brown eyes, and the way they'd make me melt.