I Wish 2021 Never Happened.

w e d n e s d a y

♡ studying when you don't feel like it ♡

Today, I honestly didn't feel like studying. I felt disappointed in myself because the test results got announced and I feel like I failed myself.

However I'm choosing not to dwell on that feeling. I studied quite a bit today and I didn't let my emotions hold me back. I'm pms-ing hard af too. >_<

02.08.23

I studied for 6 hours today. It feels so good to study. I wish for academia to take over my life and consume me. I want to be a workaholic.

There'll be a moment when you realise you're 27 when yesterday you were just 17; and you wouldn't be able to tell how a decade passed away and your life got divided into before and afters. The fury of youth will subdue and nothing will really change but everything will feel different when you look at old photographs and blurry videos taken on cheap mobile phones. Scents will remind you of childhood and certain friends you don't talk to anymore, hangouts will become reunions and mom's burnt pie will become the best food you ever had. And I know on some days you won't be able to show anything of those 10 years but I hope you remember to breathe, and let go of the knot in your chest. I hope you go out in the sun and live a little, because tomorrow is 37. An excerpt from The Flesh I Burned

"...it is sad of course, to forget. But it is a lonely thing, to be forgotten. To remember when no one else does."

- the invisible life of Addie LaRue by V.E Schwab

He showed me his scars, and in return he let me pretend that I had none.

- Madeline Miller, Circe

"autumn killed summer with the softest kiss"

The night sky see's it all~

02.01.23

Okay, so I need to start studying like crazy. Today I visited an academy which helps you prep for exams in the evening. I'll be joining it from tomorrow. I realised that I'm not just paying for learning, but for time allocation as well. I'm paying them to take my time so that I can get my life together. I hate how my self-accountability in terms of studying went downhill. I'll be waking up at 4 am from tomorrow.

“I want you to tell me about every person you've ever been in love with. Tell me why you loved them, then tell me why they loved you. Tell me about a day in your life you didn't think you'd live through. Tell me what the word "home" means to you and tell me in a way that I'll know your mother's name just by the way you describe your bed room when you were 8.

See, I wanna know the first time you felt the weight of hate and if that day still trembles beneath your bones. Do you prefer to play in puddles of rain or bounce in the bellies of snow? And if you were to build a snowman, would you rip two branches from a tree to build your snowman arms? Or would you leave the snowman armless for the sake of being harmless to the tree?

And if you would, would you notice how that tree weeps for you because your snowman has no arms to hug you every time you kiss him on the cheek? Do you kiss your friends on the cheek? Do you sleep beside them when they're sad, even if it makes your lover mad? Do you think that anger is a sincere emotion or just the timid motion of a fragile heart trying to beat away its pain?

See, I wanna know what you think of your first name. And if you often lie awake at night and imagine your mother's joy when she spoke it for the very first time. I want you tell me all the ways you've been unkind. Tell me all the ways you've been cruel. See, I wanna know more than what you do for a living. I wanna know how much of your life you spend just giving.

And if you love yourself enough to also receive sometimes. I wanna know if you bleed sometimes through other people's wounds.”

— Andrea Gibson

02.05.23

So, I've been pretty productive today. Did groceries and attended the lectures. Need to do a chap rn. I need to study and do well. I'll study till 9pm and then, sleep. Slept a good 10 hours yesterday. Sleep is the most important thing ever.

is wanting to vibe under wisteria with my chai and a book too much to ask for?