A Quick Step By Step Guide On What To Do If You Come Back To Your Apartment And Find Yourself Locked

a quick step by step guide on what to do if you come back to your apartment and find yourself locked out because your front door is frozen shut

kick the bottom of the door for 10 minutes

text your landlord

remember your landlord is on vacation and also in her mid 50′s so it takes about 36 hours to receive a response

briefly wonder why the fuck you moved the canada

remember that college tuition is significantly cheaper here than in the united states

look up and notice your cat is at the window, staring at you. he paws at the window lightly and meows. it’s devastating. his eyes are so big and imploring. decide that you have to get inside your apartment at all costs. not even god himself can stop you from feeding your cat his chicken wet food dinner. frida kahlo herself could descend from the heavens and ask “hey you wanna bang?” and you’d say “hell yeah but first let me open this door so i can feed my cat his dinner”

remember there is a starbucks 3 blocks down the street from you

enter. the barista gives you a weird look for entering a starbucks at 7pm on a tuesday

order a venti cup of hot water. you order in french because the barista just said “bonjour” instead of “bonjour, hi.” you have a strong american accent. you hit the r in merci a little too hard to compensate. you embarrass yourself.

exit the starbucks clutching the massive cup of hot water in your hands. it’s burning your fingers.

return. methodically pour the starbucks cup of water all over the the door frame. it begins moving a little but still wont open

back up

ensure your doc martens are properly gripping the sheet of ice covering the ground. many people have told you to stop wearing doc martens in the winter, despite your protests that theyre actually the ideal winter boot. also, you’re a lesbian and punk’s not dead

release a pterodactyl screech and sprint towards the door, slamming the full force of your pathetically tiny 5′2″ 110lb body into it

you dont know any of your neighbors so you dont care about maintaining your pride anyways

the door swings open

run up the stairs

open the actual door to your apartment and yell MOMMY’S HOME MY LITTLE BITCHASS BABY BOY DONT WORRY at your cat

cat flings his body to the ground and starts purring like he does every time you come home

write tumblr post

More Posts from Starboardharpy and Others

starboardharpy

3 months ago

Being new to the fandom, and also being a multishipper, and also not knowing any of the ship names

I know about Silver Martini and Conspiracy Co-Pilots, but idk the others (someone please help me out with that JCHSKCHS)

But because I don't know any of them and it's late as hell here, my brain suddenly thought: "does Lee and Irwin have a ship name??" If not, I propose the ship name Find The X (or Ex, whichever is better)

Edit: someone sent me the ship master list :>

Tags

detentionaire mako's posts lee ping irwin dexter find the ex because they're math nerds and because they're basically like bitter exes in my eyes speaking about me being a multishipper what do you guys think about this crack ship idea: Lee and Brad JCGSCJVS I might try and explain why I thought of that partly because it's late and partly because a foggy idea appeared in my head

22 notes View Post

starboardharpy

2 months ago

128K notes View Post

starboardharpy

1 month ago

Whenever my aunt springs her insane superstitious/religious cures on me I specifically remember when I was 17 and she got me exorcised. The priest was like "I don't think she's possessed" and she insisted "well there's something wrong with her, she's always [symptoms of depression] so..."

And the guy said some verses and touched my head and stuff then said I should drink only holy water for an entire week. Which wasn't hard to do, but my fav part of this whole experience was me saying I want to eat instant noodles and my aunt going "I'll make them for you. With the holy water he gave us." And then I had holy instant noodles

Tags

instant noodles made with holy water

31K notes View Post

starboardharpy

3 weeks ago

i think it's fine to attribute some desire to biology, like wanting to have kids. like yeah I'm sure a lot of it is the living creature need to proliferate. it doesn't bug me. same as acknowledging that love is dopamine or whatever. a cynic saying love is just chemicals in our brains isn't a gotcha. like ok we as humans were so driven and fascinated by our capacity to love that we found the exact juice that produces that feeling and gave it a name. that's awesome, actually, i dig that, i love that. with my chemicals.

26K notes View Post

starboardharpy

11 months ago

the image is from an article on skin color measurement in regards to oximetry readings, it was the best I could find as far as having a decent range but a small enough number to fit in a poll

Tags

<- prev it gets darker sometimes but right now its like. the last one on 2 but more saturated but mostly 1 you sound like you'd burn in sunlight /lhj the last one on 3 for I

29K notes View Post

starboardharpy

3 months ago

hold on sorry you're telling me the name of the boat was "the terror"?? i always assumed that was a retroactive name! did they WANT things to go horrifically awry???

obsessed with the implication that nominative determinism could have saved them

33K notes View Post

starboardharpy

1 year ago

Tags

the ring movie

218K notes View Post

starboardharpy

1 year ago

Harpy Hare by Yaelokre! :D

It's been haunting my brain for days

If you wanna: @cinnamoncolin @cherfirefly @axelshin + anyone else :>

reblog this post with the song that was last stuck in your head, I'll start:

505 by Arctic Monkeys

(tagging some people with no pressure so this doesn't flop miserably @viivdle @thejudeduarte @agirlwiththoughtsandnegativity @motherfeyre-archeron @sweetvillainjude @kazbrekkersfedoraaintgotshitonme @his-littlefox @graaaaaayy @jesyverse)

Tags

tyty for the tag :> tag your siblings for me you know who you are HCSHCSVN

942 notes View Post

starboardharpy

2 months ago