TW: VERY HEAVY VENTING, Self-hate, Body Dysmorphia, Abu$e, Etc,

TW: VERY HEAVY VENTING, self-hate, body dysmorphia, abu$e, etc,

Getting this out because I feel so sick, I don’t expect anyone to read it or feel bad, that’s not the intention.

I’m a bad dog. Not in a peed in the carpet way, or a chewed up a remote way, but in an unlovable mutt, a dog nobody could ever want, way.

Im so stupid and desperate that I let myself get emotionally and physically abused because my boyfriend is the only one who’s ever seemed ok with me being the way I am, hell he even feeds into it and plays with me, and what else could I ask for? and if he’s gone than who else gets it? No one. At this point I deserve it because I let it happen to me like someone else is gonna fix it, but nobody else but me can get me out of this hell. We keep breaking up and then he always talks me back, I feel like my emotions aren’t even mine sometimes, but when I tell him how I feel it’s like… gross and I don’t even understand it, I feel cringe for feeling anything! Especially if it causes even the slightest bit of conflict. I just want everyone else to feel emotions for me. I’m so tired. Even my best friend made jokes about how silly it is that some people think their animals and I wanna throw myself under a car. I’d rather get my head shoved into the ground again or forced to give another blowjob than be alone again please. I can’t take being alone again. I spent so long trying to build up a version of me everyone could like, making friendships, and now it’s like everything is still falling apart anyways, even my relationships can’t be good. What’s the point of even trying anymore? I will always be rejected and used. Nothing I say means anything to anyone. I just make noise.

Even when it’s ok it all goes to shit. One day it’s good the next day I’m being told that my anxiety attacks are a burden, just like the rest of me, and he’s right. Everyone is right about what they say. I’m useless, unlovable, garbage. An animal to be put down. I shouldn’t even be alive!

I wasn’t made to be here. I wasn’t made to be a person, everyday since I was born has just been a fucking shithole, cause it’s all incorrect, the way I feel will never match how I look on the outside, and I will never be able to fully express how I feel on the inside, no matter how hard I try. I have no real place to be me. Why is this nightmare my reality, what did I do wrong in my life to deserve this?

I don’t belong. I don’t belong. I don’t belong.