OMG OMF HERW ME OUT- I DONT KNOW IF THE OLDER!NAT CONCEPTS THING IS STILL OPEN, BUT IF IT IS, COULD YOU

This isn’t Taylor or Leigh but simply ✨her✨

oh bestie... beefy Nat... get ready for needy beefy Nat content. This turned into uhh... not a drabble, but I don't think anyone is gonna be mad about it? I wrote this to that "training with Nat" playlist that's literally like... sex playlist?? Shay knows the one

words: 1.2k

warnings: 18+ only, minors DNI; smut; physical restraint (but reader is like, used to it); fingering; clothed sex; daddy kink; mocking; Nat pound me into the training mat challenge

summary: honestly just.. Nat gets needy after sparring

It wasn't fair how much Natasha had to suffer over the past hour. You'd invited her to come workout with you, nothing too intense, just a sparring partner to work on hand to hand combat with; there was no one better to ask than her.

The entire time the two of you went back and forth on the mat, she got the upper hand and while you were tired of losing, you were even more tired of how distracting she was. Natasha typically wore shirtless tops around the compound, that wasn't new, but facing her in a fight you could see the muscles in her arms and you didn't know if you were out of breath because she was putting you through the wringer or if the fantasies in your head were getting the best of you.

Sparring was effective, but you wished Nat would toss you on the mat for a completely different reason.

"Okay okay, I give up!" It was the fifth time she'd pinned you and fuck, you would be surprised if you could stay coherent enough to make your way back to your room. Yes, you shared one with the redhead, but she liked to train longer than you so you figured that maybe if you were quick enough you could spend time recovering with a hot bath and your fingers between your legs.

Natasha let you up, rolling onto her back as you left the mat. The angle gave her the perfect view of your ass, outlined by the tight fabric of your stretchy shorts. For as much as you'd been watching Natasha, she'd been watching you right back; each time she took you down was a struggle in restraint. It'd be too easy to take you right there, but she'd resisted only because any one of your teammates could walk in. "Quitting already? But we were having so much fun."

Could be having a lot more fun upstairs. The thought came to your head before you could stop it and the resulting whine was too loud in the quiet room to go unnoticed. "Letting you run me into the ground repeatedly is a very one-sided type of fun, Natasha."

The older woman jumped up with ease, years of endurance training letting her recover with a quickness you could only ever envy. You didn't see her walking over to you, too preoccupied with gathering your bag together to get out of there. When she spoke again, she was right behind you and Natasha smirked as she caught your thighs instinctively pressing together. "You couldn't convince me you don't like losing to me if you tried."

"Why would I like losing?" You kept your back to her on purpose; if you looked at her you were sure you'd end up begging her to take you right there.

Natasha stepped closer, just enough to grab you. She was too fast for you, too strong, and she had you pressed flush against your front before you could process your shock. "Because I know you too well; you’re not subtle and you love it when I trap you."

Squirming away was fruitless; Natasha barely gave you room to breathe. You couldn't complain though, not when her hand was making its way to your breasts, squeezing roughly even when you cried out. The fights and her show of strength left you powerless to do anything but let your girlfriend touch you as she pleased, nipples pebbling both under her teasing and with your top half now exposed to the cold gym air. "Natty, we can't.. not here..."

She shushed you way too gently for how brutishly her other hand was sliding down the front of your shorts, hot breath tickling your ear. "I can do whatever I want and right now, I need my sweet girl to stay still while I fuck her."

You nodded quickly, your knees going weak almost as soon as her fingers spread you open. Risky as it was here out in the open, this was so much better than your fingers would ever be. She kissed your bare shoulder as she examined and groped you hungrily at her will. When her fingers were easily coated with your slick, the both of you groaned so loud there was no way anyone passing by the door wouldn’t have heard.

It was messy and crude, Natasha circling your clit until you’d soaked through your panties and possibly even your shorts— you loved it. “Daddy, please…”

“Oh fuck,” Maybe Natasha hadn’t meant to say it aloud, but she did and if the hard bite where your neck met your shoulder was any indication, she was quick to hide any other impulsive reactions. It was no secret how much the redhead adored the title, especially from you. Anything from you, really; she needed every part, every word, every whine you blessed her with. “Say it again, tell me how much you want it.”

“I-“ Stringing a sentence together proved difficult, Natasha’s fingertips just barely grazing your entrance throwing your brain into one thought alone. “Fuck me, please, daddy! I need you inside…”

A singular finger slid in, slow and steady and not at all what you needed to get off. You whined pitifully, trying to force yourself down on her hand to no avail. “I thought you wanted to wait? What happened, changed your mind?”

You wanted to yell and scream that it was all Natasha’s doing, that you’d be upstairs in your room if you had any say in the matter, happily bent over the mattress while you thrust onto your favorite vibrator. But that didn’t matter; you’d still be thinking of her, wishing it was her taking charge instead of a toy you controlled.

In her strong arms you felt captured and kept; no matter how you struggled, her hold on your body kept you still as a doll in a child’s grasp. “Stop squirming, baby. Daddy just needs to make you feel good.”

She was certainly doing just that, having slid a second finger alongside the first, stretching you perfectly. Your hips bucked back into her own and as her thumb played deviously with your swollen clit, you were even more grateful for Natasha’s support because without her, your knees would’ve given in a while ago. It didn’t take long before you were fighting off your orgasm, begging breathily to be allowed much needed release. “...’m so close.. Please…!”

Trying to escape her touch was pointless; Natasha was relentless in how she played with you, “Shh, it’s okay. Go on… cum for me.” It only took two curls of her digits to make you fall apart completely, your whimpers echoing off the solid walls of the empty training room. Your vision left for a moment, ears ringing as your body fell slack. Not for a second were you in danger of falling to the ground because Natasha was still holding you against her, one hand toying with your breast as her other was firmly buried between your shaking thighs.

The heel of her palm brushed over your over sensitive bud and you flinched away, but her grip never eased. The tip of her nose grazed the shell of your ear slowly, gently, unbothered by how you struggled against her firm body as she started fucking into you all over again. Natasha had stood and fought with you that afternoon on her best behavior, suppressing the urge to call off your training for her own favorite form of exercise. But now she’d won all rounds and she was going to be as selfish as she pleased. “Oh no, princess, I won five times and you owe me my rewards.”

For that older!Nat request:

Reader is an experiment project of HYDRA and Nat was the one who rescued her but with very little to none interaction with anyone all she retain was her childish qualities.

She'll be very scared of men and wary with others except Natasha. She'll mostly follow and cling to her everywhere and she'll only eat, speak and interact if Nat gave her permission 😬

I really don't know where to go with this lol I just want a shit clingy and dependent reader 🤣 thank you so much!

warning: older!nat, experiment!reader, fluff. SFW

“Tasha?”

Her small voice broke the redhead out of her reverie and when she looked down, found a girl years her senior cuddled up against her arm, her lips turned softly.

Natasha reached out to caress her cheek, her little bunny’s cheek scarred from the abuse she had taken through her youth during her time with HYDRA, and when the redhead touched her, she melted into her hold.

“What’s wrong, sunshine?”

She beamed at the pet name and even flushed in embarrassment. But when she calmed and relaxed, her eyes darted from Natasha to Tony who stood in the hall.

“What do you want Tony?”

“Banner hulked out... Again.”

The irritation was evident in Tony’s tone and Natasha’s was present as she rolled her eyes. She turned to her ball of sunshine, curled up against her arm in the comfort of their couch.

“It’ll be quick. Tony will be with you, okay?”

She shook her head furiously and whined, reaching out to grab the redhead’s muscly arm and tug on it.

“No, please.”

Natasha sighed, she couldn’t bring her girl with her, even if she wanted to. Bringing someone so fragile to a place so destructive, let alone with a Hulked out Bruce? She wouldn’t risk it, even if it mean disappointing you and making you sad for a little bit just to know you were safe.

“You can’t come, sunshine.” Natasha heard her whine, her frown deepening in tow as she shook her head in displeasure. “It’s too dangerous. Please, be a good girl for Tony, okay? He likes you. He thinks you’re pretty cool.”

She gave Natasha a look of doubt. “Really?”

Natasha nodded, beaming with a smile. “Don’t you find her cool, Stark?” When the redhead turned to the playboy, billionaire, she gave him a scowl. “Don’t you?”

“Of course, I do!” He neared the couch but just stayed far enough that Natasha’s girl wouldn’t crouch in fear of him. “I won’t be a bother. I’ll be like you! I’ll do whatever Natasha tells me!”

The redhead gave him a shove to his shoulders and when she felt the grip on her arm loosen, she was able to slip out to stand in front of you.

“I love you, okay? I will be back, no more than half an hour. That’s thirty minutes, sunshine. Starting when I walk down that hallway,” she points, “you’re gonna count for me, alright?”

She nods. And Natasha grins, leaning to kiss her sunshine on the tip of her nose. A giggle erupts and tickles the redhead’s nose, making her scrunch.

“I love you too.”

Her Or Me?

Pairing: Natasha Romanoff x Reader

Summary: You find yourself in a situation you never would have imagined, and Natasha has to make a choice- will she save you or her sister?

Word Count: 1,844

Warnings: Heavy angst, angst without a happy ending, guns, descriptions of torture, descriptions murder, death, major character death, blood, stabbing, broken bones, grief, depression, self-blame, and cursing.

A/N: Here you go anon! I made this like super angsty, I guessed you might have wanted that? Sorry if this was too angsty though! This was something that was so painful to write but also I was invested in it. I would say enjoy but… read the warnings, man.

Natasha never would have thought that she would have to choose between her sister and the love of her life. You supposed she would have laughed and scoffed. This was mainly because of how smoothly her life had been going- she left the Avengers to live out her life with you, and was fitting into a society surprisingly well.

The idea that someone could simply come by and snatch up the two people she cared most for and threaten her with it- well, she couldn’t even think about it without tearing up.

Unfortunately, that’s exactly what happened. And there was nothing Natasha could do anymore.

Your day started relatively normal. You had woken up a bit late and barely made it to work on time, but you quickly found yourself working through your workday routine. There were meetings here and there, and you worked on responding to emails.

You looked over at the clock and yawned, getting ready to pack up for the day and head home. It was roughly 5:30 PM when you started driving back to your apartment but quickly noticed a van following behind you.

At first glance, it didn’t worry you that much. You were an average person, so the idea anyone would have it out for you didn’t make much sense.

But when you went around the block to your apartment building and the car still followed you into the parking lot, you got panicky. You stopped the car and locked all the doors before reaching for your phone and dialing Natasha’s number.

“Hey, baby what’s up?” You heard the redhead ask from the other line.

You took a deep breath, “Someone’s following me, Nat. Someone in a van- they’re sitting in the parking lot and they haven’t come out yet, but I’m scared.”

Natasha paused, “Okay, don’t panic. Just drive back to the cafe, I’m about a three minute walk from there. We’ll meet up. Just drive there- Yelena works there so you should be safe.”

“No, there’s a man in a dark hoodie walking towards me, I don’t-”

The call ended.

You panicked, looking for every weapon you could possibly use when you heard a fist banging on the window. You silently prayed that Natasha would drive over and assume that you were in danger- which you most certainly were.

You screamed when the man ripped your car door completely off and grabbed your neck and arm. You tried to yell for help, but his grip was too tight, and you were quickly losing oxygen.

Your only thoughts were on Natasha- how you missed her. How it wasn’t your time to die yet. How you weren’t ready.

But then, all you felt was a sharp stinging sensation poked into your neck by a needle, and everything went black.

When you woke up, all you felt was extreme pain. Your arms hung up high by a metal chain, and you quickly noticed blood running down your wrist from how tightly the chains were. You saw a dull light and tried to figure out where you were.

As your eyes adjusted, you concluded that you were in fact in the middle of a warehouse. Deep breathes. Just think, what would Natasha do? You thought to yourself, before checking all your pockets for your phone.

No such luck. All of your personal belongings had been taken away from you.

You attempted once again to scan the room, and gasped in shock at what you saw- Yelena, in the same chains and position as you with a gag in her mouth and desperately fighting the metal that restrained her.

You fought back your urge to scream- you had to help her, and you had to help her now. You lowered your voice and whispered, “Yelena, it’s me. It’s Y/N. You have to calm down, okay?”

You could see the blonde’s eyes widen as she tried to get a good look at you. You noticed her trying to get rid of the gag with her tongue, and eventually, it fell out of her mouth. “They took us. They want to get to Natasha- they want her. They’ll kill us if we don’t-”

Yelena never got the opportunity to finish her sentence when a tall, brunette woman slapped her across the face and put the gag back in her mouth.

You felt sick just seeing the woman’s disgusting, evil smirk at the pain you both were in. “It’s nice to finally have you both here. Truly, I am. Now, I know you’re both very smart people. And I think the two of you know exactly what I want. Hm?”

You paused but nodded, “I know who you want. You want Natasha- you’ll never get her. She’s too smart- she’ll come with the Avengers and you’ll never see the light of day again!” You hissed at her- and your rage only grew when the woman simply chuckled in response.

“That’s adorable. But your little girlfriend is already on the way, my dear. When I told her that she had two hours to come here and choose who to save-”

You cut the woman off, “Choose to save? No, don’t you want her dead- you want to murder her! You’re using us as bait, why would you-”

“Listen! You do not know what happened in my past. I don’t wish to see Romanoff die. Now, that would be much too cruel. I want to see her suffer- I want to see the pain in her eyes realizing that she will be the reason one of you won’t walk out of here alive. I want her to be tortured by her guilt every day she walks on this planet.” The brunette growled at you, and you almost felt nauseous as you saw a sick smile tilt her lips.

Yelena’s face dropped, and you could hear the broken sobs racking her chest through the cloth in her mouth. You on the other hand felt painfully numb. A type of numbness feeling you’d never experienced before- it was so strong that you felt you couldn’t live with it.

“Three… two… one.”

There was a crash and Natasha came rushing in, a gun pointed straight at the woman’s head. “Let them go! They have nothing to do with us, Widow. Allow them to leave here safely and I’ll replace them.”

The woman, or Widow you supposed, just chuckled quietly and shook her head, “No Romanoff. You’re not calling the shots here anymore. You don’t get to choose- well, actually, maybe you do.” Her head tilted before she called out, “Boys! It’s ready!”

Natasha tried to rush over to Yelena, but the Widow simply pushed her right back.

You saw two men wearing all black walk into the room, and you felt the cool metal of a gun pressed firmly against your temple and a strong, muscular arm wrapped around your neck. You glanced over at Yelena, who was in the same situation as you.

“You see Romanoff, I’m not here to kill you. I’m only here to kill one of your loves here- which is up to you of course.” Widow replied, looking at her nails, seeming completely unbothered by the events that were occurring.

Natasha’s face streamed with tears and she said in a broken voice, “You can’t expect me to choose. I can’t choose between them- I love them both. I can’t-” She was cut off but Yelena’s scream when the man took a knife and firmly stabbed her thigh.

Natasha was quick to run over but Widow was faster, holding her back, “Now, now your lovely sister will be fine, Romanoff. But I have noticed you care for her, yes? I suppose Y/N can be the one to go then?”

You let out a choke when the arm around your neck tightened, and you felt your airway close. “No, leave them alone! Fucking stop, get off of me you bitch! Stop, stop!” Natasha yelled, thrashing in Widow’s arms.

You could see Natasha's eyes go back and forth, watching life slowly drain out of both of you. You had stab wounds in both of your legs, and you were choking while Yelena had both of her wrists broken.

“Stop it! Please goddamnit, stop it! I can’t, you have to stop! Kill me instead, please! Don’t make me watch them die, just fucking please!” Natasha begged in a hoarse voice, cries of agony ripping through her.

Widow tutted, “Oh you poor thing. Don’t you understand? They don’t both have to die. You can save one of them- why let them both die? Choose Romanoff. Their time will come soon.”

“No, no-” Yelena screamed with a sob when the man stabbed her in her upper right arm- “You leave my sister alone, stop!”

“Nat… please.” You begged her, your oxygen slowly running out. You saw the redhead look at you with watery eyes, and looked away, almost too ashamed to see you. “We have everything planned out… we have a future.”

“I’m sorry baby.” She let out another sob, tears violently running down her cheeks. “I’m so sorry Y/N, I love you so much. I’ll love you forever, baby. I’ll never forget you.”

“NO, PLEASE-”

“Yelena.” Natasha whispered quietly to Widow, and she gave a short nod of approval for the man to finally end your suffering

“You can’t, Nat, NO-”

The click of the gun went off, and the bullet ran through your skull. Natasha cried out as blood ran down your temples, and your eyes had no emotion in them.

“It’s okay, Romanoff. We can’t save them all, hm?” Widow said with a sadistic grin before looking towards the man, who still had a grip on Yelena. “It’s okay. Let Belova go with her sister.”

Yelena was quickly removed from her chains and Natasha wasted no time running over to her and grasping her in her arms.

“They’re gone- because of me! I did this, I’m a murderer- I’m a killer-” Yelena shushed her and slowly rocked her.

“No Nat. You’re not a killer, far from it. Widow didn’t give you a choice, okay? You’re a good person, Nat. Y/N understood- they loved you. They would never blame you.” Yelena grunted in pain, falling over.

Natasha gasped and helped the blonde stand, “We have to get you to a hospital, come on. Let’s go.” The redhead promptly scooped up her sister and ran to the nearest door before running into the daylight.

“It’s going to be okay, Nat. Y/N loved you. Please, understand that they will always love you.” Natasha slowly shook her head, tears forming once again in her eyes,

“I heard their voice, and it wasn’t one of forgiveness. They loved me with all their heart and I threw it away- I’ll never be able to live without them, Lena. I cannot feel happy anymore.”

“That’s not true, you don’t know-”

“It is. Without them, I’m nothing. Just an empty shell. And for what I’ve done, it’s what I deserve. I deserve this guilt, this suffering. I truly do.”

Main Taglist: @catasha @romanoffs-wallflower @wandanatvoid @marvelwomen-simp @freesloppy @alotofpockets @thewidowsghost @didujustcallmedumb @dawnoftime22 @deadcvpid @romanoffscottage @millieistheunofficialsimp @heartoreadallthequeerthingz @avengerswriter4eva @multifandomlesbianic @romanottsmaximoff @chiyongberry

Natasha Romanoff Taglist: @milfloverslut @ghostlybailiffathletestatesman @madamevirgo @proudmorning @fanfictioniseverything

Angst Taglist: N/A

Beefy older Nat walks into their apartment to see reader trying to move a heavy couch cause something fell behind it but reader is just failing at it. So Nat uses those big beefy arms to move the couch and reader is just like entranced by Nat’s muscles and Nat teases reader.

Beefy Nat could do literally anything to me and I would agree 1000%!

warnings: beefy!older!nat x younger!small!reader, size kink and size difference. sfw

You knew you should’ve waited for Natasha to move the couch, because now? Well, you’re halfway across the living room, remote in your hand, and extremely tired from attempting to push back the extra large wine red sofa.

To be fair, the sofa was big... as in excessively big, maybe it was just you and your small frame, or the fact that your wife was a woman with a large stature that almost challenged of that Steve’s.

Still, who needed that big of a sofa right? Right...

Whatever. You’re here now, half-way there and back to it’s original spot, but it’s futile. Every groan and push of your hand barely dents the furniture and you’re there standing in the middle of your living room with a sweaty face and heaving chest.

You frown to yourself and give the couch a kick.

“Stupid fuckin’ thing... IKEA had better deals than this...” You grumble to yourself as you huff once more and get into positive to try again.

“Y’know,” the voice makes your eyes wide and body jump in surprise. When you turn, you find said red-head leaning against the arch frame with a grin as she watches you. “As much as I enjoyed that, you could’ve asked.”

You watch her stride across the apartment with no more than five steps before she stands in front of you. Her tall figure towering over you with a grin before she leans and takes your lips into her own.

“You need help, baby?”

Her breath fans against your lips like feathers and you whimper at the edge of her touch.

“‘M so tired from pushin’, Natty...”

Her chuckle fills the room before she pulls away.

“Okay, sunshine,” she turns to the couch and cracks her knuckles in preparation. “Say less.”

You practically stand there, wide eyed, and bambazolled as the redhead pushes the sofa back to its original place with ease - no sweat, no grunt, not a blink.

It should be leaving your frustrated and perhaps annoyed but at the sight of her back muscle working through the thin fabric of her Lululemon shirt, you grow aroused at the sight of those large arms caging you in and slipping in between your —

“There we go,” her voice snaps you back and she looks at you with pink cheeks. “Y’alright, princess?”

You bite your lip and nod, swaying uncomfortably in your spot before you realize that you can finally sit at a good distance from the TV.

“T-Thank you... y’know, for the sofa,” you beam up at her in gratitude and the older woman could help but grin at your small voice.

She takes your chin into her hands and lifts your head up - inches away just from your face.

“Anything for my girl.”

AO3 reader: leaves a sweet comment and is enthusiastic about my fic

Me, cradling their face in my hands: I would fight god for you

Love that it's now 100% confirmed canon that Natasha spends her free time watching over the top Cold War era spy fiction/techno-thriller movies like James Bond and WarGames, and she's a gleeful little geek that gets a kick out of quoting the dialogue.

I love so much that we spent years assuming Nat would mock the shitty spycraft in movies, but actually she's enthralled every time. Like, a five-year-old seeing Frozen? That's Natasha any time these movies are on the screen. Yes she's seen them a million times, but when your entire life is dangerous spy hijinks it must be so nice to see stuff that you do in a context where no one you love is in danger at any time.

Also the thing that's so nice about her being a geek is that the movies have tried so hard to make us think she's a badass. And, I mean, she is totally a badass! But "Do you want to play a game?" could have been a one-off thing, a way to tease Steve and integrate Steve and make her own fun while on the run. Instead it's become a running part of her personality, which takes how the Red Room used popular media as indoctrination and turns it into something she can relax with and make into something that's her own.

Like I feel at this point if we found out that Clint used to call Nat every week after Dog Cops finished airing to dissect the plot, it would not feel out of character, and that is beautiful.

Like A River

Natasha Romanoff x Reader

Word Count: 3.9K

A/N: This is part of a lovely prompt challenge I’m doing with @quietlyimplode. A bit of angst and a bit of fluff, contains some heavier themes.

There were two of you. You knew that from the start. You did not ask about her.

You were in love. You wanted to be.

Keep reading

Shelter From The Storm

Wanda Maximoff x Reader

Word Count: 1.6K

A/N - Starting a new Wanda series, set directly after Lagos.

You heard the thunder of footsteps before you saw the oncoming crowd. You stilled at the exterior gate of your apartment buildings’s shared courtyard. You caught sight of the oncoming sprawl of press, reporters and camera flashes that you’d never seen in this sleepy town before. Then, you heard what they were yelling and you realised that you were standing in the path of an oncoming mob.

And at the front, like a fox in a hunt, ran a red headed girl.

The panic was evident in her eyes, even at a distance. Time sped up as the mob approached you and the girl fled towards where you stood. You realised that, inevitably, your action or inaction was now going to matter.

The girl was gaining some distance on the crowd in her impossible attempt to shake them, benefitting from her ability to better weave and dodge oncoming pedestrians.

It gave you the few seconds that you needed.

Keep reading

Missing in Action

Natasha x Fem!Reader

Word Count: 700

Notes: Last drabble of the night in the NEB universe.

You’re not sure what has you more stressed the crying baby in front of you or the fact that your wife is not home yet. You’ve called Natasha twice now to see when she’d be home from her mission and she hasn’t picked up either time. You should be used to it by now. You know how it goes. She’s home when she can be. She’s stopped taking longer missions after you had Ryan but this was a pressing matter. An alien attack of some sort. She’s in another country - last you heard Norway. She told you on her last phone call a week ago. She talked your ear off about how much you should visit and how much she misses you. She promised she wouldn’t miss Ryan’s first Christmas for the world. She wants to be there when he opens his presents. She wants to see the snow with you. Just like she does every year.

She promises to be home until she can’t be. It’s the procedure. She’s gone ghost as you like to call it. No calls, no texts, and certainly no emails. It’s a part of her job. It’s important to her. Sometimes you think more important than you.

No. You shake your head free of those intrusive thoughts. They’re frequent these days. The negative thoughts. Sometimes your mind plays tricks on you. Telling you you’re not worthy of Natasha’s love. You’re not worthy of anyone’s love. Some days you can’t get out of bed only opting to feed Ryan and play with him for as long as you can stand it. You feel like you’re drowning and the only person to talk to is unreachable. The only person that can drive away those dark thoughts and insecurities isn’t here. It hurts, even more, to think about.

Ryan is crying again for what seems like the fifth hour in a row. He just won’t stop. He’s teething. You know he’s in pain but nothing you do works. Not cold compresses, not Orajel on his gums, none of the remedies you read online. It seems the only thing that even remotely calms him is being in your arms and you can’t get anything done with him screaming in your ear. It’s a frustrating feeling as a first-time mom. He’s sitting across from you, clean, dry, seemingly tired but unwilling to fall asleep. You sit looking at him with your phone in one hand and a teething ring in the other. Your back is pressed against the couch, your knees are drawn to your chest, as you simply watch him. His face is angry and red. He wants your comfort but you can’t give it to him.

For a moment, you zone out. Life before marriage, before the baby, before everything was simpler. There was no one depending on you. There wasn’t that feeling of emptiness deep inside you. Natasha didn’t believe you when you told her. She told you sometimes these things take time. When would that be? You didn’t feel a connection to the baby boy sitting there. You didn’t feel that instant love like she did. You never wanted to admit it but sometimes you wondered how you did it. You’re supposed to love him. You do love him. Why didn’t it feel the same? Every time you looked at him you felt that resentment boil inside of you. Babies were supposed to be happy things. You had been so thrilled to find out you were pregnant. Why didn’t any of this feel right?

Postpartum depression. You’ve researched it well enough to think you have the symptoms but you can’t right now. Thinking about it makes it real and you don’t want it to be real. It’s a sign of weakness and you won’t show it. Now when all he has right now is you. Your feelings didn’t matter. You crawl the few feet across the floor to place Ryan on your lap. He rubs his face across your shirt as he sobs even louder. He’s in pain and you can’t even do anything to make it better.

You wish Natasha were here. She always knows what to do. She knows how to make him feel better. She is a better mother than you could ever be and you both know it.

“I’m sorry you’re stuck with me,” You whisper to the top of his head as you finally let the tears you’ve been holding fall.

Natasha Romanoff + text posts