Me, Telling My Family For The 50th Time: I Will Never Have Children

Nah it's fallen to Tumblr now my man best to just let it go

the "came back wrong" trope except like... they didnt. like this mad scientists wife died, and so he studied necromancy, brought her back, and she came back and it all worked. like she came back exactly the same as she was before with literally no difference. but the scientist guy is like "oh no... what have i done.... shes Different now!!!! she came back Wrong!!!!" and shes just like. chilling. reading a book. cooking dinner. shes just so so normal but in the guys mind hes like "oh shes soooo weird" but shes just normal

referring to my timezone as "regular time" because everyone else on earth is wrong

me: hey can I get backstage for a reason

security person: yeah that's fine I've seen you around

me (internally screaming):

and i love you because you loved him :(

Quotes from my friend: I smell like ketchup and there's not even ketchup on my burger ...just on me :(

You have no idea how often I've thought about this concept/art of angels and demons since seeing this post

i don’t know what’s cooler tbh: 

Demon horns being broken halos from when they were angels. 

Demons willingly grow their own halos, but never complete the circle to symbolize their rebellion against heaven’s strict order. 

Is it more awkward for me to stay on the couch as my sister and her husband argue about how to parent their children or would it be more awkward for me to get up and leave?

(we are all literally 5 feet away from each other)

Imagine explaining braces to an alien.

Alien: this "lemonade" smells like it'll melt my skin. Will this melt my skin?

Human: probably not. Though it did dissolve the glue on one of my braces when I was a kid.

Alien: for me to understand how fully horrified I should be right now I need to know what "braces" are.

Human: oh, people that have the money for it get a bunch of metal put in their mouth to move their teeth into a perfect row. It's a very painful process that usually takes years.

Alien: metal??? On your face bones??? And it hurts?? Doesn't this impede your ability to eat??

Human: well yeah there are things you can't eat when you have them. And some foods you just stop eating because it gets stuck in your braces and it's really gross to get it all out. I still don't eat much bread. Certain foods can break the braces, so you weren't supposed to eat those

Alien: EATING could break the painful metal in your mouth???? WHAT KIND OF FOOD DO YOU PEOPLE EAT???

Human: well lemonade just dissolves the glue

Alien: WHAT?!!! And you want me to DRINK this?? No!! Now I know what people mean when they say you can never understand deathworlders. You people are nuts! I am never eating your substance dissolving, metal breaking food. Fuck that.

Human: alright, I'll drink yours *chugs the lemonade, much to the alien's fascinated horror*

Alien, whispering to themself: deathworlders are insane

nothing is funnier than Catholics getting mad at Anglican priests for having sex lives

gotta admit, I'm impressed with their dedication to the bit