Fantastic Beasts Would Be So Much Better As An Animated Series Where Each Episode You Learn About A Different

#this had to be done

Being the only guy who works in a beauty store is fucking hilarious sometimes. Im the only one who can sell our shitty beard shampoo and a not insignificant amount of our customers think im untrustworthy. According to my coworkers i use every mens product we have so they can get dudes to buy a shaving cream. Trying to explain to people that theres no difference between "men's" and "women's" products is like talking to a brick wall. Ive had multiple women get angry with me for sampling them out one of our "men's" moisturizers when they specifically said they wanted a mattifying one to control oil and that's the best one we have for those two things. I still think about the guy who came in asking if we had "masks for men." I contemplate ending it all every time someone returns a completely unused product that they absolutely refuse to try just because it either says or doesnt say "for men" on it. 90% of the time its the perfect product for them. I had a lady who was willing to buy a worse product for her needs that was more expensive just so it wouldnt say it was for men. Are you ever tired? Are you ever exhausted? These are the same kinds of people who say that im the one whos obsessed with gendering everything because im trans.

Thanos, the Great Liar: Part 2

Hey, Thanos, your plan is to genocide exactly half of intelligent life in the universe so that they can all thrive and live in happiness and prosperity, right?

Yeah, I thought so.

But there’s someone who went against your plan and betrayed your ideals from the very beginning, someone very, very close to you. It ain’t the Avengers. It certainly ain’t your stepdaughters. Wanna know who it is?

It’s you.

Yes, you. You went against your own plan from its very beginning. What? You don’t think so? Then I guess I’ll have to introduce - or reintroduce - you to a mutual acquaintance.

This is Eitri the Dwarf, King of Nidavellir. Not that he can be king anymore, what with you killing all his subjects and mangling his hands.

Eitri here can tell us more about the real you in ten minutes than you can in your entire effing screentime. Just listen to him talk to Thor.

“Three hundred Dwarves lived on this ring. I thought if I did what he asked, they’d be safe. I made what he wanted: a device capable of harnessing the power of the stones. And he killed everyone anyway. All except me. ‘Your life is yours’, he said. 'But your hands… Your hands are mine alone.’ ”

There were three hundred Dwarves on Nidavellir. After you left, only one remains. If you even had an inkling of determination to follow your plan, you would have left 150 of them alive, but you didn’t. Maybe you think 300÷2=1, in which case you need to get some basic fucking math education. Or maybe you were scared that they would make another weapon, one that could (gasp) even kill you! Because why wouldn’t they want to kill you when you finish slaughtering half of them? Then you ruined Eitri’s hands so even he couldn’t build another mighty weapon. Because you were scared of them. You were scared of their retribution.

Oh, and another thing. Look behind Eitri. Notice how it’s completely dark? That’s because you extinguished the Forge - the instrument of the Dwarves’ work and pretty much the reason of their existence - just so you could be sure nobody could ever wield a weapon as mighty as yours and challenge you.

This is why you are the greatest betrayer of your own plan, Thanos. You went against your own ideals the moment you killed the 151th Dwarf. Not only did you kill much more than half of the Dwarves, you destroyed their way of life and ensured that they would never thrive again. I’ve mentioned earlier that you lied to your stepdaughter about her home planet, but you also lied to yourself. Your 'plan’ was never a real thing, just a mask to hide your true intentions of becoming the most powerful being in the universe. You see yourself as a revolutionary, but you’re not even close to being one. You’re a maniac. That’s all you are: a genocidal maniac, and nothing more.

So when I'm backstage for the show I'm working on, there's this stage hand that always stands in peripheral as I refuse to look at him and stubbornly stare at the floor, hoping against hope that he'll get the hint and go away

but no, if I don't acknowledge him for long enough he'll just put up a fist and I have to give him a fist bump like I wasn't just blatantly ignoring him

This minecraft short comic called "A strange Coast" made by Ian Flynn I believe, I found in a book from my library I work has to be one of the most beautiful and respectful takes on the game.

It understands minecradf so perfectly and doesn't treat it as childishly as the other stories in it did.

And all that within 10 pages and no word spoken.

AU where Bruce Wayne is a voice actor.

He always had an interest in acting and would've tried it but his anxiety always stopped him from getting into the game. Even trying out for the school play would get him stammering and unable to read his lines. To this day, he mourns the fact that he never got to play Benvolio.

He had given up on his dream years before he heard that there was going to be a reboot of his favourite childhood cartoon, The Gray Ghost (all of Gotham probably heard the scream he let out when he heard the news)

Sadly some of the original cast had passed away before the reboot so they couldn't reprise their roles, and this includes the original Gray Ghost. So you have Bruce hoping like any other fan that they get a good replacement. He talks about it so much that Alfred jokingly says "well Master Bruce if you're so worried about it, you should audition"

And Bruce laughs but he can't stop thinking about it. He twists and turns in bed because the idea of playing The Gray Ghost, of being to kids what the original voice actor was to him as a child, he can't say it's not appealing. He dwells on it for the next few days and while he doesn't know if his inability to perform will extend to voice acting, he wants to try.

On his way down to auditions, he is sweating. He has to have Alfred drop him cause his hands won't stop shaking. Seeing all the people in the waiting room almost makes him turn back around but Alfred talks him back into it.

(I'd like to think that everyone else there either didn't recognise him because he barely leaves the manor or they recognised him and realised that this man is chock full of anxiety so it's better to not bother him)

So he gets into the booth and once he's started reading his lines, he really gets into it. It's so much easier for him to get into character when there aren't dozens of eyes on him. He finishes, thanks them for the opportunity, goes back to the manor, grabs his stuffies and screams into his pillow.

It's weeks later when he gets a call saying that they want him as the new Gray Ghost. He absolutely does not cry into his biggest teddy bear, what are you talking about? He does hug the crap out of Alfred though. They have cookies to celebrate.

Before you know it, everyone is in love with the new voice of The Gray Ghost. Both new and old fans agree that Bruce was a great choice. I can see Bruce using a pseudonym though. Bruce Wayne is a name that has a lot of weight behind it, weight that he doesn't want to feel when he's voice acting. So he asks them to credit him as Bruce Pennyworth or smth. Alfred is sobbing.

He requests to record his lines at home because he isn't always up for leaving the manor and he doesn't want to slow down production. He'd totally have a professional ass set up cause when he's interested in something, he goes in.

Bruce Pennyworth gets offered more voice acting roles whether it's for cartoons, movies, anime dubs or ads. Harvey and Clark both wondering why the voice over in an ad for toothpaste is about to make them act up. Every single one of the batkids went through the "OH MY GOD, YOU'RE BRUCE PENNYWORTH?!?" phase.

( @bruciemilf come get your juice)

Putting an opera singer, a beyoncé wanna-be, and a musical theater kid in the same singing group and expecting them to sound good is not a good idea

just a pro tip

and i love you because you loved him :(

me: hey can I get backstage for a reason

security person: yeah that's fine I've seen you around

me (internally screaming):

My nephew wanted us to do a dance competition so we were doing our introductions and he said "okay your choices are a dead sister who came back from the dead or a dad who left"

And I just want to say I think he really has a handle on reality shows