Coming Out

Coming Out

Sirius realized he was gay when he was twelve. It just made sense to him, girls were cute, sure, but he'd much rather play around with boys and stare at them in the Great Hall. He remembered going to the Quidditch tryouts and getting flustered while in the locker room.

It took a while for him to accept himself. He knew his family would disown him if they knew, kick him out immediately if he was lucky. He couldn't let them find out, because worst case scenario ... He didn't want to think about it.

He wanted to tell his best friends. He wanted to be honest and comfortable with the marauders, and almost 2 years after coming to terms with his sexuality, he did.

The first few tries he got cold feet. Either they were in a public space, they were interrupted, or he just felt too anxious to do it.

He got tired of waiting for the right moment, and became ashamed of being so scared. He should just say it.

They were in the boys' bedroom trying to catch a chocolate frog Peter had let out. James was a mess, shirt unbuttoned and wand in his back pocket, Remus was laughing at them while sitting alone on his bed, and Peter was running with James trying to catch the damn animal. Chocolate? Sweet? Sirius shook away those idiot thoughts: "Now's not the time to think of the appropriate name for a magical chocolate frog you eat."

Peter caught the frog in his hands a few feet away from Sirius, who was standing in the doorway awkwardly.

"Padfoot? You ok-"

"I'm gay."

The chocolate frog fell from his hands and leapt out of the room. He probably couldn't handle the tension between the four boys.

James chuckled "Nice one, Pads."

Peter laughed along nervously but Remus didn't; he furrowed his eyebrows and stayed quiet.

"I-it's not a joke" Sirius sucked in a breath trying to get his heartbeat to slow down "I really am gay."

"Oh" James said, taking steps backward, sitting on the nearest bed, facing Sirius.

"Do you ... You know ... Look at us when we're changing or something?" Peter asked quietly.

"Peter! What the f*ck!" Remus shouted "You're being f*cking rude!"

Sirius eyes shot wide and he let out a small whimper. His heart felt heavy and it actually hurt. He felt the need to cry, but you couldn't call yourself a Black if you weren't able to mask your pain and hold back tears.

James started buttoning up his shirt, maybe unconsciously, but he did it and that's what mattered to Sirius.

"I just thought you should know, but I never thought you'd act this way." He said, shifting his stance, leaning on his left leg instead of the right one.

"Sirius, we're sorry, we were just surprised" James said standing up "I just had never thought you would be a f*ggot."

Sirius's lips quivered and he felt like he was back at home. Face facing the floor, his mother's words stinging him and her hands hurting him.

He had never thought his best friend would hurt him like that.

Sirius left, leaving a confused James by the doorframe, that is until Remus pushed him to the ground, standing above him.

"Bloody hell, what was that for?" asked Potter.

"You're one of my best friends, mate" Remus pointed his finger at the boy in the floor "but you're being a cunt. He likes guys, so what? Get over yourself."

James was left embarrassed and ashamed on the floor while Remus went after Sirius.

"We were kind of cunts, weren't we, Wormtail?" James asked Peter.

"I don't get it, can't he just like girls? It's easier for him and for us" he said, helping James to stand up.

"I don't know, but maybe we should ask him before ... Accusing him of anything. Let's just give him time to calm down."

They nodded to each other.

(~)

Remus went after Sirius who was fully sobbing, pulling at the roots of his hair. He couldn't let him leave like that, thinking all his friends were stupid homophobes. They weren't. James and Peter just didn't know any better, and they would understand, in time.

It still didn't diminish Remus's anger any less.

"Sirius, wait."

Sirius stopped outside the Fat Lady's portrait, who luckily was empty. His back faced Remus, and his shoulders were jumping up and down as Sirius sniffled and tried not to cry.

Remus put a hand on his shoulder "They're idiots who didn't know what they were saying. You know them, they'll come around. James and Peter are good people."

Sirius nodded, still facing away from Lupin.

"You were really brave, Padfoot. People usually think Gryffindors are all about being wild, starting fights and saying comebacks to teachers" he chuckled in hope Sirius would too "but what you just did was the bravest thing I've ever seen."

Sirius's shoulders were finally resting still and his breathing was even again. He let go of his hair, brushing his hands against his legs.

"I'm bisexual, by the way."

Sirius turned around to face him, shock written across his whole face.

"I don't have the guts to do what you just did. Come out to the most important people in my life, all at the same time. Not yet. But the fact that you did makes me wanna follow after. So thank you."

Sirius was speechless. He just stared at Remus who stood awkwardly in front of him, scratching his arm with the hand that was previously on his shoulder.

He looked into Sirius's eyes "You're not alone."

Sirius had never been quiet for that long in the presence of his friends. But this time he knew he didn't need to say anything. He stepped forward and hugged Remus, resting his head against his shoulder.

Remus wasn't the biggest fan of physical affection, but he didn't hesitate to throw his own arms around the boy's back and squeeze him back.

Maybe that was when they started falling for each other, the point they would look back upon while thinking of when it all started.

But at the time, they were just best friends supporting each other. They were braver at that one moment than some people are in their lifetimes. They didn't talk nor did they kiss, they just needed a reminder that they weren't alone, they were ok the way they were, and they loved each other, and so did their friends.