I Cannot Take Gortash Seriously For A Number Of Reasons, Not The Least Of Which Is That He Has Anime

Just me losing my mind over Astarion's storyline (spoilers)

Playing bg3 for the first time and literally had to take a few days off playing after the Cazador fight and the graveyard scene just to emotionally process because I was a wreck. Thought I was safe, only to log back on, talk to Astarion, and get the conversation where he’s starting to heal and he’s smiling so genuinely and then pulls out the “this is a gift, you know” callback line. Had to take another day off because I was sobbing again I cannot put into words what this character has done to my brain chemistry. Having the time of my life with this game. Very normal and fine

“Sometimes being offered tenderness feels like the very proof that you've been ruined.”

― Ocean Vuong, On Earth We're Briefly Gorgeous

I heard this quote a while ago, and can't stop thinking about it in regards to Astarion. I also saw a post a while ago that I cannot find now (should have reblogged it) of headcanons on how Astarion's trauma might manifest in a relationship. Specifically, how being showered in love and praise can be triggering and overwhelming. To summarize a complex feeling, it could make one fear that their partner is idealizing them.

This becomes a prevalent theme in the fic I'm working on, as my Tav treats Astarion very gently and with care, even from the beginning, as an unconditional baseline. He doesn't know how to handle it. It agitates him because he feels like her gentle handling is due to her thinking he's breakable, or because she pities him (she doesn't, and treats him with more respect and agency than most others, but Astarion's mind works against him). He hates feeling that way, because it highlights just how much he's only ever known harshness before her, but more importantly, how he fears others might see him as being weak. He has to learn to take her genuine compassion and love for what it is, and moreover accept that he deserves to be treated this well. River has to learn that she doesn't need to be so careful around everyone all the time — to be perfect and please them. That's not how genuine, equal relationships work, but she's just not used to having that. Astarion will feel more secure when she trusts him to speak up about his comfort and needs himself, rather than her walking on eggshells to avoid ever ever making him feel bad in any way. They work through this together and have a stronger bond for it.

I love writing characters struggling to be better people when their current traits aren't necessarily "bad", just that there's room for growth in challenging their behaviors and beliefs.

Thoughts on the post-Halsin-confession scene (Astarion romance spoilers)

Preface: this is coming from the perspective of my own playthrough wherein I got this scene early act 3. I don't know if it can trigger in act 2 or not, so let me know, as that would change some of the details. Either way, I think the main point still stands. Also this is all just my headcanon but it's based off of canon info)

Unpopular opinion(maybe?) /headcanon but in my opinion, Astarion is not okay during the “fReeDoM oF nAtuRE's gIFts” conversation after Halsin's confession. He’s laughing and acting way too flippant for it to come across like he’s truly okay with what is being proposed. Not to say he’s against a poly relationship in general, but I think that, at point in his relationship with the player character, he’s kind of panicking about being replaced but doesn't know how to say that he’s not comfortable with them spending the night with Halsin. It kind of reminds me of the “I didn't know how to say no” scene (obviously not the same situation or stakes, I'm just saying that there’s a precedent for him lying about his feelings and needs in order to please the player character and not show vulnerability). PLUS, after he asks if the reason you’re interested in someone else is because he set that boundary about intimacy back in Moonrise (and its implied you haven't been intimate since then),  if you respond with “gods, I don't want you to even think that”, he IMMEDIATELY backpedals like: “oh, of course, I knew that. It was a joke. Doesn't matter to me. I’m very chill right now”. 

Given everything we know about him, at this point in the story, he basically feels like he contributes very little to this relationship, and is insecure about the fact that he can't even offer the one thing he feels like he’s good for. Seeing the player seek intimacy somewhere else, even if they say they want to be with him too, probably feels like a knife to the heart (again, even if he’s not opposed to polyamory in general). The bottom line is that regardless of how the relationship turns out, I don't think he is doing okay at all at this point. 

Note: I don't actually know what happens/ if you can get this scene after facing Cazador. I got the scene early in act 3, personally. Spawn Astarion would be in a much better emotional space then, and so I think he might genuinely be comfortable with opening the relationship to Halsin at that point, potentially. Ascended Astarion is another issue entirely.

Was Astarion lying in this scene?

So there's a line that stands out to me from one of Astarion's act 1 scenes, when he admits that the player character was his first taste of blood from a person. When I first saw this scene and ever since, I've felt a bit conflicted about it, because I'm not sure whether or not he's lying. I do believe that Cazador wouldn't ever let him ever drink a person's blood, because he wants to degrade and torment him as much as he can, but it seems very possible that Astarion might have bitten one of his victims in the past, given that he was so starved. He'd certainly be punished horribly for it, but I think there's a definite possibility it happened at least once. The whole "you were my first" line came across to me as potentially a part of his manipulation, because that just sounds exactly like pandering straight to the player character's desires, trying to make us feel special. But the way that the line is delivered also puzzles me, because with the way he kind of mutters and looks to the side, it seems like he could be genuine here. But Neil Newbon is a legend and maybe he's just that good at portraying a well-delivered lie. I'm not sure if this topic ever comes up again, but it seemed pretty significant in terms of just how meaningful that first bite was, on multiple levels. I'm curious to know what others think and if I'm missing anything.

Resisting the urge to get the BG3 mod for Stardew Valley because I have ~responsibilities~ and simply cannot afford to fall into another sdv phase at this moment

I love the clip where Neil Newbon talks about how he wanted to make Astarion's laugh kind of abrasive or off-putting... because little does he know that just made him more endearing. Oops.

Astarion’s Story: A Closure

Going through the finale of Astarion’s personal quest wasn’t exactly easy for me. I got overwhelmed by a vast array of difficult emotions – the oppressive atmosphere of the lavish halls of Cazador’s palace was obvious to me from the very moment my party stepped in. Talking with Godey, Astarion’s various commentary, seeing Victoria’s body, confronting the victims – it’s one thing to know what the pale elf’s past was like, it’s another to stand face to face with the reality of it.

But that’s not what this post is going to be about. After I sorted through all of this, I decided to write down the most important thing: what brought me a sense of closure after finishing the quest. 

(For the record, this was my first playthrough and I went the spawn route.)

In the end, Astarion’s story arc proved deeply rewarding to me. Almost every sentence he says afterwards is perfectly quotable – as evidenced by how many people repost their favourite words as screenshots, gifs or captions to artwork. The dialogues, the cemetery cutscene – all are immensely powerful. And still, it was something else that drew my attention.

What brought me real closure was watching Astarion himself. The way he changed. It’s subtle, and yet immediately evident: his features are somehow smoother, his tone of voice lighter. He smiles a lot in a much more genuine way and talks so animatedly (even though he’s always been very expressive). There’s something… softer about him. I don’t want to sound cheesy, but I’ll risk it: he’s radiant. Like he had become a tiny ray of sunshine himself.

I stared at the screen and was tempted to tease: who are you and what have you done to Astarion?

The change in his demeanor made me acutely aware of just how heavy was the burden he carried through Acts I and II, and the start of Act III. Again, I knew it in theory. And again, it’s one thing to know, and another to see it with your own eyes: the contrast between Astarion at the beginning of the journey and near the end of it. The burden is no more. He’s free. And very much alive.

All of this made me briefly forget I haven’t actually finished the game yet. There’s still more to do: more quests to complete, a Netherbrain to tackle. And yet, for a moment it felt like I have finished it. But that's the power of well-written stories – sometimes saving the world comes second to making a cherished companion happy.

Astarion and Learned Cruelty

Spoilers for all of Astarion’s story through all acts of BG3. As always, this is all just my interpretation of the character. Feel free to disagree. 

I love the writing choice to make Astarion genuinely immoral at first. They could have easily pulled the overdone trope of "I only pretend to be evil because I'm traumatized. I'm really just a sad little guy who wouldn’t hurt anyone". Now I do believe his behavior is a direct result of his trauma, but I'll get to that in a minute. The point is that he does genuinely relish in violence, although his actions will be swayed by whichever moral direction the player decides to go. But he does enjoy combat, spilling blood, and even some more cruel and unusual things. However, what makes this so compelling and narratively rich is that this is a learned mindset.

I think that a lot of people don't acknowledge that going into act 1, Astarion has just come out of a situation where he was quite literally forced to participate in horrific crimes, with severe consequences if he refused. That absolutely does not excuse the fact that he's okay with if not outright enthusiastic about murder, but we do see that he was not always this way (e.g., he tried at least once to let a target go because he couldn't bring himself to take them to Cazador). I just think it's worth acknowledging that that mindset was the product of centuries of torment and active overt and covert conditioning. He became who Cazador wanted him to be; who he had to be in order to survive. Astarion and Karlach are two sides of a coin in this regard, in that they represent opposite responses to trauma and loss of autonomy. Karlach was forced into martial servitude, which in my opinion explains why she's still kind of bloodthirsty even though she's such a good and kind person bent on protecting others. She's shaped by the role she was forced into, and it's the same with Astarion. Again, not to say he isn't morally dubious, but there's a big difference between someone evil and someone who was never allowed to be "good" suddenly being thrust back into freedom and forced to figure things out.

To a degree, I do also think that his over-the-top declarations of his love for violence are another piece of his mask. Just like with his feigned hedonism and sexual forwardness, he's trying to hold power over people by controlling their perception of him (as well as his own self-perception). He's holding a big sign that says "I'm selfish and evil, and you shouldn't like me unless you are too", when really he's not anywhere near as selfish and evil as he pretends to be. He does this in part to keep people at arm's length, but also to convince himself; to craft his own reality wherein he is the person he needs to be to get through this situation. His worldview has been warped to see domination and control as synonymous with strength, and so he's being strong in the way he knows how. As the story progresses with a good player on his side, he's beginning to learn how to be something better. And that's why it takes time: because he's unlearning 200 years of conditioning and survival instincts.

It's worth talking about that it's not unheard of for abusers to force victims to participate in the abuse of others. I think that representing that experience in this game is important and valuable. We should all walk the line between holding these kinds of survivors accountable for what is appropriate, and to offer them oceans of understanding and empathy for them over what they were forced into. Even if Astarion weren't magically forced to do Cazador's bidding, I hope that we all could still understand the power that abusers hold over their victims, empathize with him, and see that those actions were an extension of Cazador, not himself.

Official D&D definitions of "evil" aside, I don't think he's ever truly evil unless he goes down the evil route with the player and/or ascends (Ascended Astarion is a whole other can of worms I’m not going to get into in this post). By the end of the spawn storyline, Astarion does have a lot more concern and care for others, and most importantly, he takes responsibility. To me, that shows profound strength and goodness. He's never a saint, but in my opinion he's never really evil, either. He's still learning how to live in a world where he doesn't need to be cruel in order to survive. 

Concerning the early access backstory about him being a "corrupt magistrate", it's up to the individual how to headcanon that information. Personally, I think he was probably a little self-interested, but not evil by any means. I think he was probably just a pretty normal person before Cazador, not predisposed to cruelty.

In summary, I think it’s important to talk about what makes people “bad”, especially in the context of the cycle of abuse and victimization. In Astarion’s case, much of his taste for cruelty came from implicit conditioning over his years of being forced to hurt others. There are a number of lines from him during the dungeon/crypt sequence where he keeps insisting, defensively and desperately, that he didn’t have a choice in bringing victims back to Cazador. That it was all on his orders and he couldn’t say no. This might come across to some as him trying to shirk blame, but the thing is… he’s right. He didn't have a choice, other than death, but I think Cazador would deny him even that. He wanted to make his spawn into obedient tools, but also to break them. To make them an extension of his own monstrous cruelty. But in the end, Astarion takes responsibility as best he can, and begins to forgive himself for being a part of Cazador’s evil. This is part of what makes the line “I am so much more than what you made me” so powerful.