I Have A Bad Habit Of Mentally Overstimulating Myself With Emotional Experiences Through Fiction So I

This is the post I referenced in my last post. All of this is incredibly insightful, and puts into words what I myself have been thinking through. So many good points to unpack it's crazy. Thank you for inspiring me, OP. And @litsenn for the additional points that are just as good. Love to see this amazing character being treated with such nuance and respect.

Rambling headcanons about how Astarion's trauma could manifest in your relationship.

Disclaimer: I am not fetishizing trauma or PTSD here. I have C-PTSD myself, and have dated others with it as well. So some of this is (loosely) inspired by my own experiences. It's not pretty, it's not fun, but I'd say it's pretty realistic. So yeah, fair warning! Anyway, let's gooooo

Astarion isn't fazed by much, but he IS claustrophobic- having to claw your way out of your own coffin, being trapped in a mindflayer pod and being trapped in a tomb for a year straight would do that to anyone. If he is ever unfortunate enough to be stuck in a small space again, he'll go into a blind panic. He'll hyperventilate and try to force his way out any way he can, and if he can't get out in time he'll just completely mentally shut down for a bit. If you plan to pull him into a little broom closet for a sneaky fuck, just forget it ok? You will probably get your eyes accidentally clawed out.

There is a long period in your relationship where Astarion is gradually getting more comfortable with being vulnerable around you, but he's also very self-conscious about it. He doesn't want you to pity him or think he's weak. You will be tempted to give him lots of validation and praise to make up for all of the psychological abuse he endured, to reassure him that he's finally safe and free, and that you love him for more than just his body. That his problems won't ever drive you away, and that you don't judge him. He appreciates your words deeply, he wants and needs them more than he cares to admit. But at the same time, they completely overwhelm him. Finally being in a good place with a caring partner is such a stark contrast to what he's been through, that it forces him to see even deeper into the void inside him and recognize just how badly he was treated, how deprived he's been. They hit him hard in both good and bad ways, and sometimes he'll tell you to stop because he just can't handle feeling so much right now. It's best to stick to mostly surface level stuff and ease carefully into the deeper, more meaningful observations.

The sweeter your words, the more his mind races with fears that you are idealizing him and eventually you'll come to see him for what he really is- and then abandon him. Fears that he'll come to depend on your kindness only for it to be ripped away, whether by you or by circumstances beyond his control. Fears that you don't really mean it, that you're just manipulating him the way he did to others. Deep down he hopes and trusts you're sincere, but it's just so hard to accept when Cazador's voice is in his head, countering all of it. This is all so new to him, so unknown. And the unknown is terrifying. He gets frustrated that your kindness does this to him, he wants to be able to embrace your words, he's so impatient to heal and finally be over this shit already. He judges himself so harshly for still struggling with all this. Cazador's dead, he is free, he has someone who truly loves him- why isn't that enough?! Why can't he fully appreciate it, is he just going to feel broken forever? He worries he'll take too long to get over his past, and you'll get tired of it and leave. Expect to give him lots of reassurance about all of this.

He doesn't like to cry around you, but over time you will lower his guard enough that he'll stop fighting back the tears quite so much. Sometimes it's a bad dream, sometimes you say something that just hits him hard (even if it's in a good way), and sometimes he has no idea what triggered it. You tell him he can wake you up any time if he needs you, but often he chooses not to wake you and just suffers through it alone. When it happens while you're both awake, at first he would roll over and face away from you when the tears started flowing if he couldn't collect himself, and you'd just hug him from behind. But eventually he feels comfortable enough to bury his face in your chest and just let it all out. When it's really bad, he'll be trembling and hugging you so tightly as he sobs into your shirt that it's almost hard for you to breathe. The best thing you can do is just be there with him, stroke his hair, caress the tears off his cheeks. It can be dicey, but eventually you learn to read him well enough that sometimes stroking the scars on his back very gently can be healing for him. There are other times though, when this will be too much for him. Same goes for kissing. Also, don't even think about telling anyone you've seen him like this. But of course, why would you?

Don't go into therapist mode with him when he's that vulnerable, and if he decides to talk, just let him talk. Hold space for him and be there with him. Afterwards, help ground him in the present and reconnect him to his senses by pointing out things in the room, remind him that it's not all happening to him right now. Realize how special it is that he feels safe enough with you to be so vulnerable. There are times when he even breaks down during sex, and he'll say that he's fine and you can keep going, but it's for the best to stop what you're doing and check in instead. He often dissociates when he's triggered, and doesn't realize something is wrong until it's too late.

Trauma isn't always pretty, and there are times when it does strain your relationship. When he's really triggered, he might take it out on you. He'll try his best to push you away, and say terrible things he doesn't mean. Perhaps things Cazador said to him. His articulate manner of speech can be sharper than his blade when wielded against you in the heat of the moment. He doesn't believe you can love this side of him, that he is fundamentally broken and unlovable, so it's a test of sorts to prove his own fears. He doesn't necessarily realize what he's doing, he's just lashing out from a point of pure fear. Trauma is an explanation for this behavior, but not an excuse, so it's important you set very firm and consistent boundaries when he gets like this. He might not appreciate it in the moment, but he will once he calms down.

It takes some time for him to feel truly secure with you, but he's getting there. In the meantime, he's starting to get a little clingy and codependent. He's not used to having so much freedom, and doesn't always know what to do with himself when you're not around. Being in your presence is when he's closest to feeling safe and at ease, and being apart for too long can cause his mind to race, especially when he has nothing to distract himself with. It drives him crazy that it gets to him so much- he's never been dependent on anyone before, and this side of him surprises himself. He hates it, which only stresses him out more. He tries to play it off, but it's very obvious he is struggling with separation anxiety. You don't want to overindulge him, but to ease his fears you decide to get a pair of magical rings. You can make each other's rings glow whenever you want- so if Astarion is feeling lonely, he can make your ring glow and you can make his glow back. Sometimes, just that is enough to get him through a rough day without you. Once he has done some more healing, eventually he will come to enjoy his alone time in a way he's never gotten to before in his life, and as much as you enjoy spending time with him, you'll be so happy for him to finally have that.

my favourite part of baldurs gate so far is the stardew valley grandpa showing up to eat cheese in your camp and tell gale that his ex gf wants him to kill himself

Since I joined the fandom, I’ve been told, repeatedly, that Astarion was evil in the past, evil when you meet him, and will be evil at the end of the game—whether he remains a vampire spawn or not. No good ending, no redemption for him; because it’s not like he suddenly becomes a saint!

Essentially, he’s talked about as if he were a monolith. Static. Unmoving. Frozen in place.

Well, at this point, I feel the need to say how I see it.

First of all, the concept of the corrupt magistrate is outdated—it doesn’t exist in the game. Maybe it was an early draft of his background that was later scrapped. But in the actual game, there’s no mention of it—no character, no note, no book, not a single thing that references this.

And given how important that detail would be for his characterization, I don’t see why Larian wouldn’t have included it, even as an offhand remark.

What we do know about Astarion before becoming Cazador’s vampire spawn is that he was a magistrate, and that the Gur beat him to death over a law he had passed against them. That’s it.

Personally, I think this ties into his previous position of privilege, prejudice, and the fact that he was likely a tedious, meticulous, and inflexible magistrate—but ultimately, that’s just my own inference based on scattered dialogues.

The truth is, the Gur could have been wrong.

We’ll never know!

Just like we’ll never know what color his gorgeous eyes were before they turned red.

Now, I’m going to shift to a slightly more technical perspective—but I promise I won’t go overboard!

The Astarion from Act 1 cannot be the same Astarion at the end of the game, regardless of whether he ascends or not.

And here’s why.

In basic screenwriting, we talk about a character’s transformation arc. If there is no change, there is simply no story—because the character would be nothing more than a rubber figure on whom events, decisions, and other characters bounce off without leaving a trace. It wouldn’t be engaging, nor would the character have any real drive to act.

This is a vast topic that I won’t go into in detail, but if you’re interested, just type character arc into a search engine, and you’ll find a whole world of information.

Do you think stories and characters are written purely by feeling? There are countless manuals that explain the rules of good storytelling. (Dara Marks, considered the best American story editor, formulated the rules outlined in her renowned manual, Inside Story: The Power of the Transformational Arc.)

And characters follow writing principles—Astarion included. And creating a believable character while following these rules is really complicated—so every time someone says that Astarion is a monolith, somewhere, a screenwriter dies.

It’s just not possible, folks—there’s no chance that Astarion stays exactly the same throughout the entire story. He has to grow. Or regress.

Either way, he cannot remain unchanged; otherwise, The Pale Elf narrative arc wouldn’t exist.

It’s the fundamental rule of storytelling—straight from the rulebook.

Now, let’s clarify the concept of redemption a bit.

In religion, redemption is the forgiveness or absolution of sins and protection from damnation and misfortune, whether eternal or temporary. The Catholic Act of Contrition is a profound and meaningful prayer, considered the first step toward redemption. It allows believers to express their repentance and willingness to change after committing a sin.

From here, the term has come to be used in a more general sense to refer to the attainment of physical or moral freedom through liberation from guilt and sources of unhappiness.

In a literal sense, however, redemption means salvation, remedy, or escape.

So, yes, the vampire spawn ending is a redemption arc—not because Astarion suddenly becomes a saint, for god’s sake, but because he faces his past, everything he has done up until that moment and the people he has harmed, and does so as a hero, sacrificing himself for the greater good.

(Yes, one could debate whether releasing 7,000 starving vampire spawn into the world is truly the greater good, but within the context of the game, its setting, and Astarion’s narrative arc, it is.

Wyll—the group's hero and a monster hunter—explicitly says, "They are victims just like you, Astarion. They deserve freedom too."

Many of the good-aligned companions also disapprove of their extermination, and depending on their oath, even a Paladin Tav/Durge can break their vow and become an oathbreaker if they choose to kill them all.

So, the game itself strongly suggests that freeing them is the most humane and morally right choice—especially for Astarion.)

So, to summarize, it is a redemption arc because Astarion takes responsibility and atones for his actions, for his sins. He acknowledges the harm he has caused and repents, embraces the pain of others beyond his own, and gives them the freedom that he himself had once taken from them.

That’s what redemption means, not that he becomes a saint by the end of the game.

Not only that, but Astarion also makes peace with the Gur, who will stop hunting him—not out of laziness, but because he has proven that he has changed, that he has grown, and that he is no longer a threat to innocent people. (And they also accept the release of the spawn, despite being monster hunters—take note!)

It’s no coincidence that Astarion tells his brothers and sisters that they can choose between being parasites hiding in the shadows or something more than what Cazador created them to be.

But either way, the consequences will be on their heads—because actions and choices have weight.

And you reap what you sow.

And here, I’ll take a small detour, because the first person to bring up the concept of redemption is actually Ulma, with her words: "But it would be a start—you could still be redeemed."

She later reinforces this idea in one of the most powerful scenes in the game, when—after the ritual and Astarion’s absolutely heart-wrenching explanation of why he took the decision away from them regarding their own children—she tells him: "I never thought a vampire spawn could find redemption… but yes, you will no longer be hunted."

Of course, Astarion is still a vampire. He still has instincts and needs. He likes hunting, killing, and yes, instilling fear. A little, as he puts it.

The difference is that instead of doing it indiscriminately, he directs his attention toward criminals, toward those who harm others. Just like the Emperor.

Even Karlach Mind Flayer redirects her hunger toward a specific category of people—ones who might even appreciate her intervention.

It’s called killing two birds with one stone.

And here I return to the technical side of storytelling—Astarion’s transformational arc is complete, and at this point, he falls into the archetype of the anti-hero: a protagonist in a story who may lack some of the traditional hero’s qualities, such as idealism, courage, and morality.

Typically, an antihero is a rebellious or tormented character with clearly negative traits who often employs questionable methods. However, they should not be mistaken for a villain, as they do not fully descend into evil or possess enough heroic qualities to earn the audience’s sympathy.

However, considering the general setting—where even heroes kill as if there’s no tomorrow and punish villains with brutality—just look at Selûne’s demigoddess daughter, Lady Aylin—I don’t see anything strange or horrific about feeding on criminals.

Quite the opposite.

To conclude, the concepts I’ve mentioned are not something I made up from scratch—they’ve existed for ages.

Astarion’s evil ending is clearly ascension, which, following the rules of good storytelling, still adheres to a transformational arc compared to Act 1 Astarion.

By extension, Act 1 Astarion is different from both the Ascendant Vampire and the Vampire Spawn in the final outcome. The monolithic character does not exist in any story worthy of being called one. And Baldur's Gate 3 is a masterpiece of writing.

I need more of Astarion being an absolute undead fucking weirdo. No more suave charming elf man NO this man forgets to breathe for prolonged periods of time and randomly gasps or croaks because he can't speak without air in his lungs. He lurks in dark corners with weird reflective eyes and doesn't move until you notice him. He's SUPER into the scent of his lover and buries his face in their neck or chest while taking in a BIG snorf. He gets very affectionate when he notices his partner is on their period or is bleeding from other causes. He doesn't make noise when approaching someone and often scares the shit out of them because he just silently shows up behind them. He's addicted to the warmth of his partner and rubs his body against them like a cat. He makes animalistic grunts and moans while he feeds. He forgets to blink and just stares at people with wide eyes while they talk. He stares at his lovers pulse point instead of looking in their eyes. He growls when displeased. Sometimes he smiles just a tad too wide. He watches his lover sleep and waits for them to wake up for them to find him just staring them down, unblinking. He's a fucking freak and I love him to bits I need more weirdo Astarion.

BG3 Companions and their Knights Radiant Orders, according to me

Every time I consume a piece of media I must sort the characters into their Orders. I could be convinced either way on Minsc and Lae'zel in this case, but the others are solid.

I’ve been trying to get some good dialogue scene screenshots of Astarion, and my field research suggests that he has these modes only: 

Literal model

"Depraved carnal lust"

Sad cat

Actual gremlin

What does it say about me that I feel like having a brain that works the way Harry Du Bois' does would be cool and efficient?

Not me scheduling the day I'll finish BG3 because i know the post-game depression is going to wreck me for a good few days

Oh sorry, I forgot

5. Insufferable bastard

I’ve been trying to get some good dialogue scene screenshots of Astarion, and my field research suggests that he has these modes only: 

Literal model

"Depraved carnal lust"

Sad cat

Actual gremlin

Just a take on Wyll's transformation (spoilers)

Can we talk about how when Mizora turns Wyll into his devil-ish form as a punishment... it's like really messed up? I get that it could have been much worse, but she literally violated his body irrevocably. Not for the first time. I'd probably have a panic attack if my body suddenly changed like that. Not to mention that him now looking this way is kind of devastating to the heroic, evil-fighting image he wants to present. It's like Mizora saying smugly: "who will look at you and think you're a hero when you look like *this*?" Because she knows how deep that would cut for him.

I've talked about this before, but I wish Wyll was allowed to have more moments that show that he's hurting, and I wish that his reaction to the transformation had more emphasis. Honestly his interaction at the Tiefling party is kind of heartbreaking. He basically says "you go on and enjoy the party without me. I'd just bring everyone down". Just another example of him keeping his feelings neatly tucked away for the sake of others. Wyll is going through so much in act 1 but it's portrayed so subtly compared to other characters that I think people overlook it.