To Me, This Game Is About Collecting Rocks And Minerals, Actually

I was asked if I had any thoughts on Astarion's character development in terms of taking responsibility and making choices. And him coming to terms with that part of his past he's ashamed of. In the past I didn't dwell on it in detail, normally I write down on the keyboard what spontaneously passes through my brain. But I think they are excellent food for thought, so I will try to express what I think about it.

Here’s a little ramble, just because I love psychology and think it’s something to always keep in mind when discussing Astarion. If you’re not interested, feel free to skip ahead!

(Let’s talk a bit about the self.

The self is quite a complex concept with many facets. Briefly put, it’s shaped by various internal and external factors and reflects a conscious image of "me." In psychology, it’s key to building the Ego of an individual—the capacity to act, understand, organize, and interpret experiences. The Ego provides a sense of uniqueness, coherence, and personal continuity since the self encompasses many "faces." All this forms the personality of an individual, which naturally develops (and changes) throughout life.

Particular attention in the formation of the self is given to sensitive periods, such as early childhood. The self determines the level of self-esteem based on an individual’s assessment of their worth and competence in the characteristics they attribute to themselves (Real Self), their future aspirations (Ideal Self), and what they want to avoid (Feared Selves). The greater the discrepancy between these aspects, the lower the level of self-esteem. Social support and approval, as well as competence in domains deemed important to the self, obviously contribute to perceiving oneself as a person of value.

I’ll stop here, or this will turn into a full-blown psychology lecture, diving into every possible personality disorder! xD)

Astarion, as we know, has had his sense of self fundamentally undermined. For him, the world is divided between those who have power and those who don’t, with the former always being the "winners" in his eyes. The magistrate he once was is long dead, along with his moral compass and the life he used to live—especially after 200 years of servitude to Cazador.

As vampire spawn, akin to a newborn in some respects, Astarion learned to exist solely within Cazador’s world, revolving around Cazador, for Cazador. He was the domineering father figure, and vampire society functions under strict rules handed down by vampire lords. In this hostile context, without any room for self-expression or choice, Astarion developed a fragmented and damaged self-image. Constantly belittled by Cazador as an individual (small, weak, useless, incapable, all words he uses in the game), always pitted against his brothers and sisters, and degraded from a magistrate to a prostitute (this is important because it’s the only skill—or "talent," as he calls it himself—that Astarion believes gives him any value or power, forming the basis for his self-image). It’s easy to imagine just how high his self-esteem must be, right? Most importantly, he never developed the skills to navigate life as a free individual—at least not in a healthy way.

This is why, even if reluctantly (and despite his fear), he ends up leaning on Tav/Durge. Astarion is a follower, not a leader—not yet, at least. He needs a guiding figure to help him figure out what to do because making decisions and acting independently don’t come naturally to him; they terrify him. Especially outside of his talents, sex and survival. He needs to be rehabilitated, re-educated, and to achieve this, he requires a safe and healthy environment where he can experiment and grow, perhaps developing other faces of the self on which to base a new evaluation. Like, I'm not just a slave or a whore: but I'm also a companion, a friend, a lover, a hero and I'm able to listen, to help, to learn, to collaborate, etc. For instance, I think his lack of attention to detail reflects this to some extent—not just his tendency to be dismissive or distracted. In fact, Astarion isn’t stupid at all; his intelligence and wisdom stats in D&D terms are above average. He knows how to move in the shadows, remain unnoticed, and is highly skilled with his hands. Additionally, we shouldn’t forget that Astarion is an excellent observer of bodies, particularly body language. This is especially common when someone has lived in a stressful environment with abusive parents or partners. Recognizing the early signs of what they fear most—abuse—is crucial for trying to avoid getting hurt. The inflection of a tone, the light in someone’s eyes, the posture of their shoulders, arms, torso, etc. Body language is the most direct and primal form of communication and reveals intentions.

This is a skill Astarion has naturally refined, not only through survival but also by interacting with countless partners. It inevitably helps him sense certain things before others do, often saving him from trouble. So, he’s far from just some clueless fool, no matter how frivolous he might seem at times.

Sure, stress kills neurons, but the issue is deeper than intellect. To execute a plan, one needs to make decisions and lead a group—something he simply isn’t equipped to do yet. This also ties to accountability, an inherent part of decision-making—especially when others are involved.

Throughout the game, Astarion grows and begins to reclaim his rights as an individual. He realizes he’s more than an object to be used (he is no longer small, weak, useless, incapable), and he starts to establish boundaries and discover what he truly wants or doesn’t want to do, always alongside Tav/Durge. By the good ending, he even states that with Cazador gone, he can finally find out who he really is and what he wants from the life he’s regained. He’s still afraid—the road to healing is long, and the trauma is deep—but he’s willing to work on himself, which he couldn’t or wouldn’t do before.

A significant part of Astarion’s defense mechanism is dissociation, the ability to separate himself from the terrible things that have happened to him—or that he has done.

This, in my opinion, is how he managed to survive without completely losing his mind. In the game, there’s even a dialogue choice that highlights how Astarion simply repressed everything inside and kept going—a deeply unhealthy way of coping. And rightly so, the vampiric spawn retorts that it’s easy to judge when you haven’t lived through such a situation.

However, when Astarion comes face to face with his victims, that mechanism begins to falter. This time, he’s forced to confront what he has done directly, with all the consequences it entails. He has to look them in the eye, listen to their harsh words, and endure both their pain and his own—without filters, without excuses. The sequence is heart-wrenching, as we all know, but what I particularly love is Astarion’s comment about the Gur children and how, when he delivered them to Cazador, he felt nothing. I love it because it’s followed by an “oh” that speaks volumes more than all the discussions about ascension up until that moment. That “oh” seems to say, “How the hell is that even possible?!”

Astarion is surprised, first and foremost, because what he felt then isn’t what he’s feeling now. Before, he was numb, alienated—a ghost wandering the streets. But now, he’s not. He’s more awake and lucid than he’s been in the last 200 years. This concept is crystal clear when, upon setting foot inside Cazador’s palace, the vampiric spawn states that everything feels different, even though the place hasn’t changed. It’s not the palace that’s different; it’s Astarion!

And at this point, after speaking with Sebastian and Chessa, Astarion is torn.

On one side, there’s ascension, with all the rational explanations—or justifications for Tav/Durge and himself—about why it must be done. The vampire spawn are too many and too hungry; they’ll cause a massacre, etc., etc. On another side, there’s the need to erase the evidence of what he was, of what Astarion endured, and what he inflicted upon others—what these wretches represent as a mirror reflecting his own helplessness and pathetic state. A victim, essentially. And that, for him, is humiliating because he was, in fact, humiliated for 200 years. He’s deeply ashamed of it.

But yet another part of him holds the desire to do the right thing.

In fact, if asked about the prisoners and what he intends to do, Astarion will say he’s weighing his options. Not only that, but Astarion also gives his approval when Tav/Durge tells Sebastian that their freedom depends on whether or not they know how to control hunger. Adding immediately after that they can succeed. Anyway, at this moment, for the first time, the choice and the responsibility are entirely on Astarion's shoulders—and on his conscience. There are no orders from Cazador to carry out, no Tav/Durge acting on his behalf. The most Tav/Durge can do is help him think clearly in a moment when, between fear, the scent of blood in the air, and power within reach, Astarion might not be the most clear-headed being on the planet. But ultimately, the decision is his to make. The first of many more to come.

However, I believe Astarion truly takes responsibility for his actions when, after freeing the vampire spawn, he becomes the leader of the coven in the Underdark in the ending. In this particular case, the transformation is complete—Astarion is a leader who plans, makes tough decisions every day, manages resources, takes care of his people (his old victims, let's not forget), and continually grows in his independence.

Naturally, returning to the concept of the self, each of the endings—whether he travels across Faerûn with Tav/Durge, becomes a nocturnal vigilante in Baldur’s Gate, or even ascends—offers a perspective on how Astarion has changed and how new experiences have added positive aspects to his self-concept. These enable him to increasingly perceive himself as competent and valuable. At this point, I’m afraid I might have gotten lost in the flood of words, and I’m not sure if I’ve managed to address the proposed topics thoroughly. My apologies—I tend to lose myself in my thoughts and ramble on freely! If needed, feel free to let me know, and I’ll add a follow-up! xD Anyone who made it this far is a true hero, just so you know!

I'm new to Sleep Token; this is them, right?

Me while writing: oh hell yes this is such a good sentence I'm the master of poetic imagery

The writing when I go back to edit:

Now that I've emotionally processed my first playthrough (maybe), I started another as Dark Urge (basically just my last Tav, but now with concerning memory loss and a thirst for blood that sickens her). Romancing Astarion again, to nobody's surprise. I've heard that the dynamic between him and Durge is something really special and reveals a lot about him as a character, and I want to see it for myself. I am ready to lose my mind all over again. Expect to see more Astarion analysis in the future.

All excellent points. It's extremely impressive how well he's able to maintain a new relationship and care for someone else given all he has going on at the time, and its a testament to his heart, in my opinion.

I often see people push back against the idea that Astarion can be sweet and soft because of his harsher facets. He's allowed to be both. His bloodthirstiness does not erase his gentleness. His anger and bitterness do not negate his playfulness and caring. Nor is the inverse true; he's not a passive little kitten who has never done anything wrong. He's a complex person, but beyond that, he's just a person, period. People are never one thing.

All this is one of the reasons I love him so much; going through the hell he endured does not make someone kind. It's the sort of crushing conditions that can easily make people so bitter and toxic to the people around them. The fact that he maintained the light within himself through all those decades where Cazador tried to systematically crush every last good thing in him... that's a miracle. He's a miracle. Because despite having every reason not to, his life experience stacked against him, he still has so much kindness and softness inside. He still cares. I don't think he's exactly well-adjusted, even by the epilogue. I'm sure it will take him the rest of his life to heal, and he and his partner will have a lot to work through in their relationship. These things take work and effort, and though I'm sure Astarion would struggle with many parts of being in a relationship, he would put in the effort necessary to work on it. He's shown numerous times that he cares and is surprisingly proactive about the relationship. He's willing to self-examine and change, like OP said in regards to his behavioral checking and minding old habits. I'm sure he'd have plenty of bad days where he pushes his partner away and says hurtful things he doesn't mean when he's triggered or overwhelmed, but that doesn't mean he's not loving and willing to work on things. I also think his reaction to his partner becoming illithid is completely valid and realistic. The fact that he's so willing to even try to make it work honestly shows how he open and accepting he is, even in the face of you become one of the things your party has been fighting against and hating for the entire game. The man is going through a lot, and dealing with his love becoming a tentacled beast is just one more item in his list of things to process, and I'm sure it hurts. Let him have time to grieve and process. I've said this before, but Astarion is arguably the least judgmental of all the companions, which seems at odds with his nature. Until you realize it's just proof of how caring and empathetic he has the capacity to be, deep down, despite his best efforts to pretend otherwise. Anyway, it bothers me when people argue against portraying his softness and caring as being non-canon or unrealistic, just because he has a harsh, bloodthirsty, vengeful, self-serving side as well. Both are canon. Both are true. Both are equally important to his identity. He contains multitudes and that's exactly what makes him such a compelling character.

just thinking about astarion is SUCH a sweet partner? like this man was barely an adult elf when he was turned, and spent the next 200 years being abused by cazador, but like

- as the durge character, he'll be accepting and talk about your mental health and reassure you

- he'll insist on staying with your half illithid character, saying you shouldnt make his choices for him if you try to leave to protect him

- also just the dichotomy of him being explicitly vain and also explicitly not shallow is very sweet

- in that one lathanders light scene, he'll tell you he appreciates you trying to fix your mistake after you caused him IMMENSE pain

- he'll empathize with and support you if you swear your body to haarlep, noting how he's been through similar and is sorry you're going through it

- hes not jealous, his issues with sharing seem to largely come from if he thinks the other party would be okay with it (like he thinks lae'zel would spear him lol), and when someone like halsin comes along he'll happily consent

- on that note, he grows enough to be comfortable asking for support and reassurance instead of possessiveness/jealousy (not that these are the only options for that scenario, but astarions seen a lot of possessiveness in his life and its wonderful how much he avoids replicating it)

- he will always attack cazador in the final confrontation if cazador starts verbally abusing you instead of him

- he puts in the work to set boundaries that allow him to engage in an intimate (emotionally, physically, but not sexually) romantic relationship with tav and apologizes for "using" him before, when his behavior was SO understandable. and also he manipulated tav by having... consensual enjoyable sex lol. he might have ulterior motives but he never actually tries to use his sexual relationship with tav to manipulate him into doing anything

- you learn how astarion felt for Sebastian and how tender he was

- you learn about the first boy astarion couldnt bear to bring to cazador, the one he called soft and sweet (or something like that) and then was punished horribly for a straight year for it

- even when you turn to a half illithid, his main concern is you losing your agency

- if you are a full illithid, at the end of the game, some people complain about him not being ride or die, but i think he shows REMARKABLE willingness and support. what he cares about most is that you are still you, and how is he supposed to know for sure? i think asking him to stay with a type of being known for manipulation and mind control after everything he went through with cazador IS A HUGE FUCKING ASK. and he doesnt even write you off immediately? thats a lot of love right there

- if you arent illithid, he will double-check you want to plan a future with him still, and only once you affirm this will he express how badly he wants it. he's actively avoiding trying to manipulate you even

and probably more stuff im just not thinking of off the top of my head. obviously this is about the spawn route vs. ascended, but im just constantly amazed that despite EVERYTHING astarion has gone through, probably centuries without a healthy, loving relationship or even examples of that nearby, he still defaults to being kind, empathetic, and caring as soon as he gets the chance

like sure, he might be minorly evil and self-serving but personally i think thats the least he deserves

more importantly, the boys from astarions past give us a rare window into what he was like before turning into a vampire—he was gentle, empathetic lover. he was kind, he was protective. and as soon as he has the space to start looking for himself again, he goes RIGHT back to that behavior. he even self-checks for his "manipulation" and tries to correct for it

it just shatters my heart and then puts it back together hes such a wonderfully written character. astarion is allowed to be lovely AND furious and vengeful and maybe its just my raised-catholic ass, but its SO cathartic to see that a forgiveness arc is never pushed for his abuser

Just a personal post, with a dash of Astarion because this is my life now

So I've gone my whole life denying myself writing fanfiction (despite being a writer since forever) because of the powerful internalized autistic fear of being "cringe". But after playing BG3 I just can't do it anymore. Astarion as a character just inspires me too much and I have so many scenes I want to write that in my mind, its criminal weren't included in the game. Honestly, once I gave myself that permission, I've written more this past month than I had in the past six months of my original story. It's been so fun and rewarding and has taught me a lot about what mental hang-ups I still have as a writer, even when it comes to work I know I'll never share. I'm basically just novelizing the story of my Tav and Astarion now, and it's so much fun. I'm sure a lot of my ideas have been done a million other times by other people, but this is my version, and I'm reminding myself that there's value in that. I'm still learning that it's okay to be self-indulgent and "cringe" sometimes. I just want to see the characters I love be happy and get the treatment they deserve, even if I have to write it myself. I'm being creative and it makes me happy, so maybe that's what matters? It's freaking me out now to even post this, but I'm really trying to learn how to express myself honestly again after so long masking and being so concerned with appeasing others. The fear of judgement or "doing something wrong" is hard to get over. Maybe someone else relates.

Resisting the urge to get the BG3 mod for Stardew Valley because I have ~responsibilities~ and simply cannot afford to fall into another sdv phase at this moment

‘I want to watch a show where characters just happen to be queer and their queerness isn’t the focus of the story.’ -you should watch the wheel of time

‘I wish there was more media that normalized polyamory’ -you should watch the wheel of time

‘I wish there were more focus on women and characters of color in fantasy and sci fi and genre fiction’ -you should watch the wheel of time

‘I want more shows that put a lot of emphasis on platonic relationships and not just romances’ -you should watch the wheel of time

‘I wish there were more fantasy shows that didn’t objectify sexual violence against women’ -you should watch the wheel of time

‘I wish television would cast more middle aged and older women in dynamic and interesting roles’ -YOU SHOULD WATCH THE WHEEL OF TIME

BG3 has rotten my brain so much that this color palate makes me emotional help

iykyk

Doodle of Astarion going from starved and newly freed to eating better and getting chubbier

Controversial, but i'm six-pack hater. Out of romanceable male companions only Wyll should be allowed to have defined abs. Thank you for coming to my ted talk