The Stress Hallucinations Are Back Along With The Most Violent Escapism Known To Man And Me And My Dad

i just want time to stop, i want some weed and for life to wait until i can catch up. but it cant, and it could take me years to figure it all out, and i have to be sober against my own will.

the things I hate most in this world are myself and the fact that I’m still alive.

by the grace of the Gods, may I get through this moment.

i just want to give up. i’m tired of being damaged goods n hurting everyone accidentally.

i’m having constant nightmares anymore. this isn’t fucking fair.

I see many Neopagans who are unable to separate themselves from Christian ideas of "Grace" in that divine favor or blessings are something that are bestowed upon or withheld from you for a specific reason or as a reward or punishment, when that is not at all how ancient peoples thought about the Gods and their Providence.

Providence is, simply, the goodness of the Gods emanating outward, flowing out naturally from them to all corners of the world to each according to their individual ability to receive it. Providence is a spring that overflows and reaches all indiscriminately, unlimited and eternal.

The key here is our individual ability to receive it. If you don't notice the water flowing all around you, you go thirsty, and if you don't have a sufficient vessel for collecting it, you will only get tiny handfuls of water at a time. Blessings are received when we make ourselves a suitable vessel for them: We make ourselves more receptive to their goodness by improving ourselves through piety and cultivating virtue.

This is an attitude that I don't find very often in Neopagan spaces: Far too many people are preoccupied with offending the Gods, as if such a thing were possible, and being "cursed" or "abandoned" by them, when in reality the Gods are everywhere: There is nowhere that they cannot be, no corner of the universe that they do not reach. To fret about whether the Gods will curse or punish you is to wonder if the water from that spring won't like you: The question is silly, just drink when you're thirsty.

Providence is something we are solely responsible for making ourselves more receptive to: Anything else is superstition and latent Christianity.

venting and oversharing to the void for a sec:

i try my hardest to be like “yay healing!!” but idk trauma work is hard. fanfic and fandom culture got me through the worst of the worst moments of my life. it’s alarming, because this past year i somewhat now have a life that isn’t unbearable to be present in. but today i find my brain needing to be anywhere but in the real world.

i’m 16 again, filling my head with fluffy stories where i’m not this deeply traumatized girl and things all turn out perfectly. being 16 does not feel good.

there is a single person on the face of this earth who would understand my pain, but yet they caused me so much other pain??

how that can be, i don’t know. thats the point with irrational thoughts i guess. they never make sense.