A Harry Potter Au Where Potions Is Taught By Gordon Ramsay

Repeat after me, kids: your significant other liking multiple genders does nothing to invalidate the fact that they like you best.

“By some magic, all the flowers in London bloomed at once on the 3rd of March that year.”

(aka ‘i love helga pataki and her heart picture from hey arnold! and i had to give draco a weird harry potter love locket’)

some kid comes up to remus lupin in fifth year like “I KNOW YOUR SECRET!!!”

and remus freaks out, this is literally his worst nightmare come to life, he’s stammering “i-i don’t kn-know what you-”

and the kid just shouts “YOU SMUGGLED YOUR DOG INTO HOGWARTS! I SAW YOU TALKING TO IT!”

and remus just stares at this kid. in the background, sirius is losing his shit

One time, Gryffindor reached exactly 69 house points, and for two whole weeks they managed not to gain or lose any by being as boring as possible. It was finally broken when Hermione was awarded 10 points for some good Charms homework, and Ron was subtracted 20 for yelling “FUCKS SAKE HERMIONE” in response

(first day as a barista)

draco : here’s your coffee

harry : thanks. can i get a little spoon too?

draco : sure

draco, sits on harry’s lap and nuzzles into him : here you go

Does anyone remember fanfiction from like 2001 to 2004 tho?

-wacky, highly out of character ‘sleepovers’ with the villains of the series

-not bothering to research the culture the series originated from (we live in Japan but for some reason we’re celebrating a westernized version of Christmas?)

-sugar highs??? the entire cast has eaten sugar and now randomness ensues!!1!

-really surreal oneshots taking a completely illogical idea to the highest possible level played completely for laughs (re: maybe Harry was so good at flying because He Was A Broom All Along)

-user guides for characters (as if they’re adoptable robots)

-disclaimer at the beginning of the story, end of the story, used as page breaks in the middle of the story I DO NOT OWN THIS PLEASE DON’T SUE I’M DIRT POOR

-author’s notes at the beginning of the story, end of the story, used as page breaks in the middle of the story, LOL I WROTE THIS AT ONE IN THE MORNING PLEASE REVIEW

-nutshell/condensed retellings of the series, again usually humorous

-AUs where everything except the main character’s names are completely different that have no real connections to the series (High School AUs are EVERYWHERE)

-The writer’s favourite character isn’t dead and the rest of the cast questions it once and then never mentions it again

-the writer talking to the characters in script form before the story actually starts

the problem with making a playlist for your own writing is that you’re in deep enough that you can justify literally any song to be in it

Me: I like Malfoys. Draco is a pretty complex character. I think Narcissa is pretty powerful and Scorpius is such a cool character.

Lucius: Ah thank you-

Me:

harry potter starts a youtube channel and all of his videos are called like:  

“STORY TIME: I WAS A TEENAGE CHOSEN ONE”

 “BABYSITTING MY FRIEND’S WEIRD DEAD HORSE (INVISIBLE)” 

“THERE ARE DARK WIZARDS TRYING TO KILL ME BUT ONLY THREE PEOPLE KNOW ABOUT MY HOUSE”

Me: *asks my followers to send me writing prompts*

My Followers: *send writing prompts to my inbox*