THE WSL IS BACK!!!!! So Happy To Be At The Chelsea Match Tonight 😌💙💙

Lionesses on top for real, miss my girlies

Harry darling your jealousy is showing again.

In September, I’ll be the first person in my family to ever go to university.

It comes with expectations, ones that will weigh me down at times, I have no doubt about it. It’s weird knowing there’s no one I can turn to, to ask what it’s like. I’ll be the first to do it, to experience it.

I have to remind myself to be proud. It’s an achievement I never thought I’d reach. 2 years ago I never thought I’d be alive, let alone about to go to university.

It’s weird and strange, and a whole hoard of emotions I’m sure I won’t work through for a while. But for now, I have to remind myself to breathe, and that I’ll be okay. And most importantly, I did something I never thought I’d do. I’ve reached a point I never thought I’d get to, that at least is something to be proud of.

“you can have my back any day” “i lost him” “you saved him” “there’s no one in this world i trust with my son more than you” “i kind of lost it when i told him” “you were there for him when i couldn’t be” “no one will ever fight for my son as hard as you. that is what i want for him” “because, evan. you act like you’re expendable but you’re wrong” “do more” “you don’t want him to end up like me” “you didn’t end up like you” god he sees him. he sees him and he loves him just. something about eddie knowing buck better than anyone else, being there for his lows and his highs and the good and the bad and still loving him so much it’s a part of him is making me light headed.

it’s a weird feeling having to deconstruct the walls I’ve piled so high to protect myself. there’s so little people in this world who know me truly and wholly, and part of that is my own doing, though a decision I’ve been making unconsciously without realising it till my teens.

sometimes I wonder if anyone will ever know the true me, maybe I don’t even know her yet.

HEARTBROKEN OVER EVE LEAVING BUT KEIRA WALSH IS A BLUE. I NEVER THOUGHT THIS WOULD HAPPEN I LOVE HER SO MUCH NOBODY UNDERSTANDS MY UNDERRATED QUEEN AT MY CLUB?!?? 😭😭😭💙💙

the last few weeks I’ve been waiting for a call that’s never coming. for my phone screen to light up with a message that the logical part of me knows is never going to arrive.

I’ve spent 2 years grieving and coming to terms with my grandmother’s death. as every occasion passes, I’ve struggled with the fact that I’ll never hear her voice again.

my grandfather, bless him, was like a cat with 9 lives. he probably should’ve died in a freak accident 20 years ago, but he always made it through. I always thought out of the two of them, he’d be the first to go, as dark as it sounds logically, it seemed like the way it would be. he was riddled with health problems and his luck for escaping death surely had to catch up to him, so although it seems vulgar to think that he’d be the first to go, logistically it made sense. but he wasn’t.

he survived so much, that a part of me thought he’d always be there, because he always made it through. two years since my grans death, and he made sure that we knew how much they both loved us. he called every occasion and sent messages to check up on us, making up for two people. he was good like that, a bit of a hippie and believed in the funniest things, but he was fun to talk to. I miss our chats.

two days after his death, in the midst of a panic attack, I hastily scrolled through my phone, desperate to find anything with their voices, just to know that I could hear them. that I had this part of them I could keep. I didn’t even finish the voice notes when I eventually found them later that day. I screamed and I cried and I sobbed ugly begging for it to be some sort of sick prank from the universe. I don’t think I’ll ever come to terms with it. To think of them in the past tense is something I’ve yet to grasp.

grief has been embedded in my soul since I was born, and it’s never left.

I want them back. It’s not fair. I don’t deserve to know pain this deep and grief this vast at such a young age.

It keeps me up most nights how I never got to say goodbye. did they know I loved them? did they know how much they meant to me? I hope they do, they did. I don’t think I’ll ever know peace or the comfort they gave me.

the orange man is on my television screen and i do not like it.

he gives me the heeby jeebies big time

sometimes I scare myself with the anger that lies within me. It sits dormant, waiting for the time to rise and make itself known. and when it does, it consumes me and comes out in angry heaving sobs as I gasp to scream what I’ve kept hidden underneath the surface for so long. I can’t remember the last time I was angry and shouted without crying. without the ensuing meltdown that typically follows. maybe it is never truly anger I feel, not wholly anyways. It’s tainted by other emotions, other feelings.

maybe this makes me bitter, at least I think it does to some degree. It scares me how angry I can be sometimes, how much rage I have within me. angry at the people around me, at the world, at the circumstances I am presented with, as I cling to the mere notion it has to be some sort of higher power surely testing me. for what I’m not sure, maybe I’ll never know. maybe I don’t want to.