Don’t Mind Me Publishing My Drafts, There’s Far Too Many

PROPA CHELSSSS 💙💙💙

Welcome back Becky 💙 this is proper Barclays 🤩

I feel so full of secrets I don’t know what to do with them anymore.

why are you gay 🤨

why are you not 🤨

knowing that we’ve grown as people, and gone our separate ways, but being burdened by the knowledge that I once knew everything about them. going through life and seeing the little of things that remind me of them, and feeling that sharp feeling of nostalgia of what once was.

it reminds me that there was a time where I knew all of them, it saddens me that I no longer do. I hope they’re happy.

I’ve said it before but the biggest tragedy of 911 is that Buck and Shannon never got to have any BobbyMichael-esque shenanigans and drive Eddie crazy with their friendship

she makes me laugh when I feel as if I’ll never see the sun again

YES WE DID!!! She looks so good in blue 🤭😌💙

chelsea got a good one x

HEARTBROKEN OVER EVE LEAVING BUT KEIRA WALSH IS A BLUE. I NEVER THOUGHT THIS WOULD HAPPEN I LOVE HER SO MUCH NOBODY UNDERSTANDS MY UNDERRATED QUEEN AT MY CLUB?!?? 😭😭😭💙💙

the last few weeks I’ve been waiting for a call that’s never coming. for my phone screen to light up with a message that the logical part of me knows is never going to arrive.

I’ve spent 2 years grieving and coming to terms with my grandmother’s death. as every occasion passes, I’ve struggled with the fact that I’ll never hear her voice again.

my grandfather, bless him, was like a cat with 9 lives. he probably should’ve died in a freak accident 20 years ago, but he always made it through. I always thought out of the two of them, he’d be the first to go, as dark as it sounds logically, it seemed like the way it would be. he was riddled with health problems and his luck for escaping death surely had to catch up to him, so although it seems vulgar to think that he’d be the first to go, logistically it made sense. but he wasn’t.

he survived so much, that a part of me thought he’d always be there, because he always made it through. two years since my grans death, and he made sure that we knew how much they both loved us. he called every occasion and sent messages to check up on us, making up for two people. he was good like that, a bit of a hippie and believed in the funniest things, but he was fun to talk to. I miss our chats.

two days after his death, in the midst of a panic attack, I hastily scrolled through my phone, desperate to find anything with their voices, just to know that I could hear them. that I had this part of them I could keep. I didn’t even finish the voice notes when I eventually found them later that day. I screamed and I cried and I sobbed ugly begging for it to be some sort of sick prank from the universe. I don’t think I’ll ever come to terms with it. To think of them in the past tense is something I’ve yet to grasp.

grief has been embedded in my soul since I was born, and it’s never left.

I want them back. It’s not fair. I don’t deserve to know pain this deep and grief this vast at such a young age.

It keeps me up most nights how I never got to say goodbye. did they know I loved them? did they know how much they meant to me? I hope they do, they did. I don’t think I’ll ever know peace or the comfort they gave me.

LEWIS IS RED, GIRMA IS BLUE, FRED VASSEUR AND SONIA BOMPASTOR I FUCKING LOVE YOU ❤️💙