Fire In These Hills
Fire In These Hills
“Why are you like this ?”
I turn towards the voice.
“I don’t know. I never knew.” I sigh. “I guess I was always this way.” I hear them hum.
“But why ?”
I don’t know how to answer. Why am I the way I am ? That’s the question of my life. I’m insecure, I never know what I want, I don’t really understand other people. Yeah. I’m weird. And the worse ? I know that. And I know that people look at me weirdly because of it. But here I am. Still here, after 20 years of this.
“I don’t know.”
There’s no one with me. I know I’m imagining this voice. I know I’m trying to cope with everything going on in my life. I had to change everything. My friends. Where I live. How I live. So, I don’t have time to ask myself why. And yet, here we are. I’m imagining a voice to answer that very question. Right now, I just want to go back home, and let myself not think. Let myself be myself. But I can’t. I’m stuck here, and I’m sick. I can feel my body temperature rise. And I just want to go home…
“You must have a reason ?”
I sigh again. Do I ? Do I need a reason to be myself ? To be weird ? I don’t think so. But if I need to find one ? Well, I would say that it all came from my childhood. The way my parents treated me. Telling me they treated my brother and I the same way. What kind of bullshit is this ? Some big ones. They never treated us the same. Every time he’s sick, or hurt, or doesn’t like to do something ? Well, let strong and younger brother do the work, right ? Yeah well that only works for some time, before crumbling down.
“I told you. I don’t know.”
And that is true. I was always kind of like this. I could blame the ADHD, the autism. But in reality, I know it must actually be the anxiety.
“Are you sure ?”
I close my eyes. I know a part of it.
“I… I miss them. They’re not gone, but gone at the same time. They… They take so much out of me. I don’t know why, but they sometimes make me feel like I’m not worth it. That, maybe I’m not enough. Or maybe I’m too much. I put so much efforts. I put so much effort in everything. They know it. I feel so powerfully. And yet I am let yearning for scratch. Am I not worth a bit of effort ? Is our friendship this easily forgotten ?”
I start to feel my eyes water. There’s a fire in my soul now.
“Would you like more ?”
Would I like more ? I want more ! I need more ! I’m not just a kid who’s insecure now, I’m a young adult, constructing myself. I need my best friend around. Even if it’s just a few messages here and there. But I have to yearn for scratch. And I feel like I’m going to have enough of scratch.
“Of course I’d like more. I’d love more. I need more. But how could I be so selfish, right ?”
“I know.”
“I’m so tired. Can I please come home ?”
This feeling. I’m exhausted. But kind of in the good way. I am shaking like a leaf. Home. My home is the people I love. I feel at home with them.
“If you can. If they will let you.”
It’s true. I could come home to my friend. If they let me one day. If they open the door once more. I keep a sob. I won’t cry for something that might be nothing. I’m shaking so much. I can’t feel the world. I need my home. I need my friends. I know myself. I don’t trust myself.
But after everything you’re here with me still. Or at least I hope you’re still with me. I feel like I don’t know you anymore. I feel like we’re growing farther apart, when you were once my rock. I feel like I’m not strong enough to just suck it up as usual. I need you. I need my friend. I need my best friend.
“So why do I feel like they’ve abandoned me ?”
“I cannot tell you.”
Right. ‘cause that’s just the little voice in my head making me go through my emotions. I take a deep breath, still shaking. My body is so full of emotions. I can’t handle them. I don’t know how to handle them. That’s why I need my friends. That’s why it hurts so deeply.
I feel like I might wreck this home. Do I really want to let go of all those years ? Fuck no. Am I ready to wreck this home ? Fuck no. Will I have to ? Maybe. And that’s what hurts the most !
“I really just want to come home. I really just want to go home. But right now, I don’t know where home is.”
“You’ll find home where you need it.”
I know that. But I don’t want to. I want the comfort of my home. I want the comfort that my friend still wants to talk to me. I want the comfort I felt younger. I want the innocence of those quiet moments. I want to feel that again. Is that to much to ask for ? Am I really worth all that ? Everyone tells me that, yes I do. But am I strong enough to believe them ?
“I don’t think that I’m strong enough.”
“You’ll find the strength to face it. You’ve faced much more.”
Maybe. But maybe that’s my limit. Is it ? I don’t even know if I hope it is. I just want to come home. I think I’ve lost the will.
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