I Feel Like Crying So Hard Right Now, I Asked My Dad To Get Carne Asada Because I've Been Craving It

Disorganized (aka fearful-avoidant) attachment style is overanalyzing/overcorrecting when you think your partner might be pulling away from you, but then pulling away from them when they draw close to you.

It is both craving AND fearing intimacy so deeply that you grip people tight in your hands lest they leave you, but keep them at an arms length lest they love you.

@Bambi: decorum? in this economy? went bankrupt. it's all about debauchery now

OMG I love this so much!

Hey, so today's post is kind of personal, more than a little personal actually but I guess you could say I wasn't feeling the best earlier. And with these feelings I was trying to find anything to distract myself with and I ended up going through some older notes in my phone. And, well I got to reading this one. I guess you could say it's kind of stupid but I almost felt like I could relate? (again to myself so, stupid) and I thought maybe others could too.

I guess I was just feeling a lot of emotions, some similar but also none quite the same. I guess you could say it I felt... Unvalidated? Not valued, not seen, not heard; amongst other things. I won't go into detail what happened today but I guess here's a little, almost diary entry? Of a bad day from a while back.

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Thurs. Oct 24, 2024:

I wasn't having the best day yesterday, I couldn't tell you why, there wasn't just one specific thing, I think it was just... Everything. I'm just, tired. Tired of not knowing, tired of not being enough. Just, tired. I need a break. Just a moment to catch my breath. So yeah, I wasn't having the best day yesterday.

I had to actively stop myself from crying my eyes out in the middle of a classroom or hallway a couple of times. For some reason, I so desperately wanted nothing more than a hug from my dad. But it made me want to cry even more because I knew I couldn't have one, it was in the middle of the school day and he was at work. I had to force myself to think of something, anything other than how much I so desperately wanted a hug at that moment. Otherwise, I'd start bawling my eyes out in front of dozens of people.

I thought about asking Mrs. T for a hug. She was right there. No more than a couple of steps away. But for some reason I couldn't get myself to do it. Even though I was trying my damn hardest not to have a mental breakdown a foot behind her. Instead I just silently got up once the bell rang and stood behind her for a moment, debating. But after a moment I just grabbed my bag and silently walked away, I didn't say anything, she didn't say anything either. (She hadn't notice)

The second time I think I had to actively avoid breaking out in tears was on the way to my third-period from Mrs. T office hours, I had to force myself to stop thinking about the hug I couldn't have otherwise I'd start crying in front of my pre-calculus class. Eventually, the teacher came along to unlock the door and I splashed my face with some water from the water fountain.

It was a little better after that. I could distract myself with math, I didn't have to think, well at least think about anything other than math. And I thought to myself, what if I asked Yoshi for a hug, even if it seemed like an inadequate substitute at the time? I thought about the girls and I know they would hug me if I asked but I don't know if it was the kind of hug I needed. I think that thought is also the reason I didn't end up asking ***** for a hug either. It wasn't the kind of hug I needed.

Even as I just silently dissociated my way through lunch to avoid crying. Then came ceramics, my mind and body felt all over the place. Like I wanted, needed to do something but couldn't. I was glazing my projects which helped a lot I even got to genuinely smile and laugh at some point, so my day got a little better after that. I could just immerse myself in my art. I could mostly do the same thing in LC while painting posters, so by the time I went home I was a lot better than the latter half of the afternoon.

Hours went by and I forgot about my insistent need for a hug from no one else but for my dad. And eventually, he came home. At that point I didn't feel like I desperately needed a hug anymore, but I thought to myself, I could still use that hug, so I silently moseyed my way out of my room after a moment of contemplation and made my way to his.

I stood at the door and watched for a moment as he was kicking his dirty laundry into a pile on the floor to be washed. I don't know why but that pile of dirty laundry felt like the Mariana trench between him and I at that moment. So instead of wading myself across it I just asked, are you still not working tomorrow? (That's not what I wanted to say but I felt like I needed to say something, anything, to try to bridge that gap)

He confirmed what I already knew, still not looking at me, just focusing on compiling his clothes together. And of course, since I was there standing in the doorway ******(my dog) wanted to come see, and as always he was getting told that he was in the way (I always feel bad when I hear everyone say that, even though it's true and he likes to stick close to your legs causing you to trip) and I don't know why it struck me so much.

Why when he told ******(my dog) to get out and go away it felt like he was saying it to me. I know he wasn't angry or annoyed at me, I know that. He was just tired and now annoyed at the dog. But it hit me, and I couldn't tell you why.

So I silently left and made my way back to my room as he started saying things like all I do is work work work work, work and mop, work and mop... In his usual annoyed tone. I don't know why, but for a moment, I silently stood at my door still just a little cracked as I listened to him rant, even though my heart felt like it was cracking with every word he said.

Finally, I silently shut the door and that's when the waterworks; the one's I had been holding back all day, finally spilled over. I cried for a while rambling and babbling and I had to repeatedly tell myself something I already knew, he's not mad at you, he's just tired and annoyed at the dog, he's just tired and annoyed at the dog, had to tell myself he won't be mad at you if you go to ask for a hug, that's ridiculous, so finally after a while of working up my gall, I splash my face with water in the bathroom make sure it didn't look like I was crying.

And I made my way back to his room, but this time there was no cavernous trench of laundry between us. I silently made my way in and just stood behind him while he was fiddling with his phone and charging, still not saying a word. ******(my dog) followed me along and jumped on his bed. It probably didn't take more than a minute to finish up his fiddling, but it felt like forever, and again I felt like I had to force myself to not make my eyes water, so he couldn't see.

Finally, he turned around and asked me what I wanted, I silently held my arms out for a hug and I asked him if I could get a hug he couldn't hear me so I repeated myself but I don't think it came out as more than a mumble. He got the hint anyway and hugged me. like his hugs. We usually just silently hold each other and sway back and forth on our feet. I like our hugs.

But in that moment it just didn't feel right. I couldn't tell you why. Just that it wasn't. Suddenly he spoke up and said, it'll all be okay. I don't know why he said it. Maybe it showed on my face. Or maybe you didn't show enough.

Because the next moment he's pulling away. Entirely too quickly. A hug. One that earlier in the day I had to actively stop myself from crying out for because I so desperately needed it. A hug I had to give myself a pep talk just ask for. But a hug that felt like it was the answer turned out to break me even more.

After he pulled away he joked about something with the dog and laughed. He laughed. There's nothing wrong with laughing. But in that moment it felt like she was laughing at me. And I had to force myself to let out a laugh too. So he wouldn't see that there's anything wrong.

Even as I silently walked out of his room my back to him so he wouldn't see the tears threatening to spill from my eyes. Mouth tightly shut so he wouldn't hear the sobs threatening to claw up my throat. I silently walked away from his room to mine closed my door, and let the first sob near silently leave my body as it clicked shut. I felt so stupid. I felt useless and like I couldn't do anything.

And so then the waterworks started again as I tried to snuff out the sobs leaving my body. I didn't want him to try to come into my room and see me breaking apart so I decided I was going to take a shower. I wasn't dirty. Not really. But it felt like it, almost. Couldn't let him see. I don't know why he's not allowed to see. He just isn't. So I started quietly cursing myself for being so stupid as I took off my jewelry and grabbed my stuff for the shower. I felt better after the shower. Not entirely. But better than I was before. Didn't feel like I was going to start breaking out in sobs at any second. So, better.

I know no one probably cares but they have changed the Berry Waffle Cone sent at Bath & Body Works!! That's my most favorite scent of all time and when I went there today because of all the deals they were having I was surprised to find a Berry Waffle Cone candle because they're usually very hard to find cuz it's a seasonal scent and I don't go to Bath & Body Works that often, but anyway when I go to smell the deliciousness of what this scent SHOULD be it is just somehow wrong!!

I would know because I have this sent as a candle, both types of lotions and the body spray which I hoard like it's nobody's business because it's my most favorite scent in the world and it's not guaranteed I'm going to get another one anytime soon

Don't get me wrong the candle I smelled today that claimed itself to be my beloved Berry Waffle Cone did indeed smell good BUT it just wasn't the same, I don't know why, my only guess is that they somehow tweaked the formula over the years but I want my OG sent back!

Bath & Body Works if you see this which you probably won't I beg you to tell me why it has changed, if it was simply because of a tweaked formula I asked you to somehow bring through the glory that is the OG Berry Waffle Cone or maybe I just happened to smell a bad candle or maybe my nose was wrong but when I got home and smelled my OG candle and it smelled how I expected it to smell, delicious, like a literal bakery, it's got kind of a warm bread smell but the sweetness to it as well is just so good and I love it but why has it't changed!? ┻⁠┻⁠︵⁠ヽ⁠(⁠`⁠Д⁠´⁠)⁠ﾉ⁠︵⁠┻⁠┻༼⁠;⁠´⁠༎ຶ⁠ ⁠۝ ⁠༎ຶ⁠༽

"I imagine death so much it feels more like a memory

When’s it gonna get me?

In my sleep? Seven feet ahead of me?

If I see it comin’, do I run or do I let it be?

Is it like a beat without a melody?

See, I never thought I’d live past twenty

Where I come from some get half as many

Ask anybody why we livin’ fast and we laugh, reach for a flask

We have to make this moment last, that’s plenty

Scratch that

This is not a moment, it’s the movement

Where all the hungriest brothers with

Something to prove went?

Foes oppose us, we take an honest stand

We roll like Moses, claimin’ our promised land

And? If we win our independence?

Is that a guarantee of freedom for our descendants?

Or will the blood we shed begin an endless

Cycle of vengeance and death with no defendants?

I know the action in the street is excitin’

But Jesus, between all the bleedin’ ‘n fightin’

I’ve been readin’ ‘n writin’

We need to handle our financial situation

Are we a nation of states? What’s the state of our nation?

I’m past patiently waitin’. I’m passionately

Smashin’ every expectation

Every action’s an act of creation!

I’m laughin’ in the face of casualties and sorrow

For the first time, I’m thinkin’ past tomorrow"

*Echoes of a Kingdom Lost*

He stood atop his gilded stage,

A kingdom built on fear and rage.

With words like fire, sharp and cold,

He took his power at a cost.

He promised glory, vowed to save,

Yet led the hopeful to a grave.

Beneath his smile, a shadow lay,

A price for dreams he threw away.

He silenced truth, distorted facts,

Bent the system till it cracked.

Cast out science, shunned the wise,

Blind to earth’s collapsing cries.

Where unity once tried to grow,

He sowed division, let it show.

Friends turned strangers, torn and crossed,

Trust among us slowly lost.

He placed a wedge, a sharpened thorn,

In places fragile, scarred, and worn,

And left us all to tend the tears

Of families broken, lost in fear.

Now echoes linger in his place,

A hollow throne, an empty space.

We stand and sift through what remains,

To heal, to grow beyond the chains.

With steady hearts, we face the cost—

To find the kingdom he has lost.

I was talking to myself and came up with the line "instead they take the poisoned berries handed to them like they're a god-given cure" so here is poems based off of it

His words, a venom, sharp and sly,

Spilled from a mouth that never tries

To heal, to soothe, to lift the soul—

Only to poison, twist, and control.

Each sentence laced with bitter sting,

A heavy blow from a hollow king.

In every tweet, in every speech,

He reached to tear, to bruise, to breach.

Promises dripped in bitter hues,

A master of the darkest news.

He weaved his lies, with artful grace,

A smirk upon his troubled face.

The truth, a casualty in his fight,

As facts dissolved in the toxic light.

Yet those who hear his wicked call,

Fall deeper still beneath his thrall.

For words like these can tear apart,

They plant a seed, corrupt the heart.

But in the end, though loud they roar,

The poison fades—truth stands once more.

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Instead they take the poisoned berries handed to them like they’re a god-given cure—

Bitter fruit, with a lethal allure,

That promises healing, but leaves them to rot,

Feeding on lies that they’ve been taught.

His words are sweet, his smile a mask,

A gentle whisper, a dangerous task.

“Trust me,” he says, “I’ll make it right,”

But darkness blooms where there once was light.

Instead they take the poisoned berries,

Blind to the thorns that twist within,

They taste the venom, convinced it’s sweet,

And fall to the rhythm of their own defeat.

The cure they seek is a cruel disguise,

For in each berry, a sorrow lies.

They drink the poison, the whispers, the lies,

And wonder, too late, why the world still dies.

But when the dawn breaks, they will see—

The berries were never meant to set them free.

And in the ruin, the truth will stir:

No god gives poison—only a deceiver.

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**The Poisoned Gift**

Instead they take the poisoned berries,

Handed to them like a god-given cure—

A promise painted red and sweet,

A bitter gift, they eat and eat.

His words, like fruit with lethal glow,

Drip false hope where doubt should grow,

And in their hunger, they take the bite,

Believing venom tastes of light.

"Trust me," he murmurs, with hungry eyes,

While shadows stretch and truth lies tied.

They crave the healing, the promised ease,

Blind to the thorn that digs, that bleeds.

The berries cling, like secrets kept,

Wrapped in pride and swallowed deep.

And they, in thrall, in dreams secure,

Let poison pass as if it's pure.

But when dawn breaks, the fog will clear,

The truth lies sharp, like shattered mirrors—

No god gives poison as a cure,

Only deceivers, cruel and near.

-um c-can I talk to you?

-no. You're an asshole. I don't talk to assholes. It's bad for the soul you know, bad vibes and all that

(....this makes me happy)

Edit: OMG!! I just remembered where I got this from. I have a whole notes page in my phone about funny/meaningful quotes I've heard and I was wondering where I got this from because I forgot to write it down BUT I got it from a BNHA fic (maybe I'll Wattpad I don't remember) I remember it being funny as shit but I forget the name of it, so sorry, I'm sure someone out there knows the answer but that someone is not me. (It might have been a y/n or just an OC fic but in this world this girl goes to UA but I think there a mind reader or something and she tries to become best buds with Bakugo and despises Deku because he's a fake bitch and just emotionally manipulated everyone around him and a hating Bakugo, I think this quote is when she confronts deku about being a fake bitch I don't entirely remember it was a while ago)

Edit again!!! I found it! Here you go and you're welcome

Here's just a little sneak peek at the fun and amazing work of art that is called...

Airwaves Unscripted (PapaMic) by Chimera_Regarion on WP!

It's crack and it's beautiful and you should definitely go read it right this second- ANYWAY on to it...

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(Izuku Midoriya's POV)

"-and I swear, if I see one more hero posting a 'thoughts and prayers' tweet after doing jack shit to fix the problem, I'm gonna lose my mind." I say, drumming my fingers against the desk.

"Oh-ho, careful, Zuzu!" Dad snickers. "You're gonna make all the corporate heroes cry into their brand sponsorships!"

"Oh no, whatever shall they do? Maybe wipe their tears with the stacks of cash they made off merchandise while ignoring the civilians suffering right outside their shiny-ass agencies?*" I lean into the mic, voice dripping with sarcasm. "I'm just a kid, what do I know?"

"You know too much," Dad sighs dramatically. "Society's golden boy, how dare you think critically?"

"I know, I should be grateful!" I throw a hand up. "Look at me, a student at U.A., the peak of all human existence, training under heroes who definitely, absolutely, 100% never screw up or fail anyone! Right, Dad?"

Dad snorts, trying to hold in his laughter. "Oh, absolutely. Heroes are always perfect, and the system has zero flaws."

"Exactly!" I gesture wildly. "*Clearly, those people who get ignored, overlooked, or outright abandoned just didn't try hard enough. If they wanted help, they should've been conveniently located near a hero who was having a good day!"

Dad claps his hands. "And let's not forget the golden rule: If you're not 'hero material, then society's just not built for you! That's your fault, obviously!"

"Mmm, yes, let's talk about that!" I tap the mic. "my new brother, who totally doesn't hate my guts-hi, by the way! spent his entire childhood being told he's villainous because his quirk is scary. Meanwhile, I-quirkless, useless, disposable-got the same treatment but for a different reason. Because society loves picking favorites.*"

Dad hums. "It's almost like... the system is designed to benefit a select few while leaving the rest to rot?*"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, careful now, Dad." I gasp. "That almost sounded like criticism! We can't have that! You're a pro hero! What if people start thinking for themselves?!"

"Perish the thought!"

"Exactly!" I slam my hands down. "Heroes are the good guys, and if you dare question anything about them, you must be anti-hero or pro-villain! Those are the only two options, right?"

Dad dramatically wipes a fake tear. "It's so simple when you put it like that, Zuzu."

"I try." I smirk. "Wouldn't wanna burden people with nuance or critical thinking. That's dangerous, you know."

"Super dangerous."

We both pause. The silence lingers for a second, stretching just long enough to be uncomfortable.

Because it's not really a joke.

We mean every word.

"Anyway," I shake my head, breaking the moment. "Let's move on before we accidentally wake up the morality police. What's next?"

Dad glances at his notes. "Ooooh, this one's fun! 'Heroes with their own energy drinks-a discussion on capitalism, branding, and selling out!"

I groan. "Oh, kill me now."

Dad cackles. "Buckle up, partner, it's gonna be a wild ride!"

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... Please go read it, it's crack and I'm living for it

"Areseta and Serenata- Goddess of War and Honor standing beside her wife, the Goddess of Peace. A reminder that we wage war for the hope of a longer peace; that we inflict violence so that we might have more peace. two sides of the same coin, that coin is something that is required to even think about joining the Warriors Guild."

Read this somewhere, forgot where, but I'm sure the internet knows and will be willing to tell