I Don't Usually Do This. I Don't Like Just Having A Piece Of Me On The Internet. But I Need To Just Let

I don't usually do this. I don't like just having a piece of me on the internet. But I need to just let this out.

Tonight is hard, I can't sleep, I've been crying nonstop for two hours. I'm not sure what triggered it, maybe this silly song that's stuck in my head. "Bug, bug, little mister bug! / If only you were bigger, I could really use a hug!". The moment I got in bed, sections of my childhood came back, not good ones. How I would spend every recess alone playing with bugs and ants, because every other kid didn't want anything to do with me. I was too weird. The way they would beat me, they never left me alone, the teachers never did anything. I would feed the ants pieces of my lunch, enjoy looking at their neat little rows, tried saying hi to all the ones that came over.

I really wasn't a bad or problematic kid, I still wonder how the fuck the adults in my life got that impression. I got max grades in everything, loved learning, never bothered everyone. I would just have crying fits because school was unbearable or tantrums for honestly justified reasons. I was distressed. Anyone would be in my position.

At home it wasn't any better, constant screaming, hurting me, fighting, lectures about how to be a better kid. It was hell, I barely got moments of peace. When I did I would look at the stars, dreaming about a future in which it was all better. In which I was not beat or sexually assaulted on the regular, in which I had a safe person, or just a future were I was happy.

I wish I could be there for me, help me, love me, cup my chubby little face, and say, "You are good! You are doing great! You're the best kid anyone could ask for! There is nothing wrong with you!". Go eat ice cream together.

I wanna be a mom. For a vey egoistic reason though. I wanna love something with all myself, I wanna pour every inch of my being into building a beautiful life for them, no matter what. I wanna sing my silly little songs to a small little human, hear them cry until my ears wish to bleed, console them, help them, never make them doubt how much I love them. Wake up early just to check on them sleeping. Tell them how beautiful they are, how they can achieve anything, how they will always be loved.

Maybe one day, for now they are just in my imagination. Goodnight.