Part 7 Of 7 - Confessions

I wanted to share some songs I associate with SC (･◡･) !!

Keep reading

devil

(tw for self-harm. this is extremely self-indulgent. read at your own risk.)

Devil.

Her core, her soul, the very depth of her being, was a creature that had no right to see the light.

Usually, she could fight it. Usually, she could resist it. Usually, she could deny it.

But nighttime was when her demons were strongest, and she couldn’t always resist their allure. It was so easy to give into those voices, those whispers at the back of her mind that assured her that these actions were necessary for her survival. The devil inside of her had kept her alive for this long, so why would it ever try to deceive her now?

Nevertheless, as Rika looked down at the blood welling on her soft, thin, porcelain skin, she slowly came to realize that for once, her devil might have grown a little too strong.

A sharp wail escaped her lips, and the offender dropped from her hand to the floor with a clatter. She immediately clamped her free hand over her mouth, trying to muffle her cries. She couldn’t, shouldn’t, wouldn’t accept this. She could brush it off. She could pretend it never happened.

She hadn’t ever imagined that her devil would take a tangible form, but it had left a kiss on her wrist that she couldn’t ignore.

“Rika?”

A voice sounded from outside the bathroom door, followed by a sharp knock. The sound managed to strike Rika’s core, piercing even through her foggy mind and her shaky body. Hastily, the blonde ran her hands underneath the sink, eager to wash away the evidence. Rinse, rinse… Maybe a splash of soap, to ensure she was effectively clean. She needed to scrub away the darkness that she tried so desperately to keep hidden.

But as she pumped the soap onto her tender skin, the stinging that resulted made her whimper despite herself.

“Rika?” the voice called again, a little more frantically this time. “It’s me, V. Are you okay?”

Rika began to scramble through the drawers and cabinets, knowing that somewhere, somehow, the couple must have had a first aid kit in here. V was cautious—almost overly so—and every time that Rika complained she felt ill, whether it was a physical or emotional pain, her lover always seemed to be able to withdraw some sort of medicine to soothe her, some sort of bandage to patch her up.

She usually refused, not wanting to mess with her mind or body in the slightest, but for once, she was willing to accept the fact that she needed assistance. Normally, she wanted to keep that devil alive and well, strong enough to defend her from whatever the world may throw at her.

This time, though, that savior inside her had betrayed her, and she needed to bring it back within her power.

“Rika!”

“I-I-I… I need…” She tried to sputter out some words, some sort of answer to V to let him know that she was alive and well.

Was she really well, though?

“… a m-m-moment,” she stammered at last. She thought the sentence came from her, anyway; that voice sounded like it belonged to her, but in her dazed mind and through her ringing ears, pounding with the vibrations of her intense heartbeat, it felt so far away, as though it were coming from somewhere else.

V didn’t respond to that; he fell silent, finally, and all that Rika could hear was a soft exhale. He must have been relieved that she had answered, as distorted and shaky as it was, and so he was willing to give her the space she needed until she was ready once again. He was always so considerate of her, always trying to appease her darkness and bathe her in a glowing light.

Normally, her devil resented that light, that glow, that searing heat… but Rika, for once, was grateful to know the sun was right outside her door, ready to banish away the demons that had overpowered her.

A little bit of pressure was all it took to stop the bleeding, and finally Rika allowed herself to crack the door open. She waved at him with her dominant hand, keeping the other one tucked behind her back. “I… I saw a bug.” Some woman’s voice was trying to excuse the shrieking that had taken place, and deep down, Rika knew that this feeble fib would never convince him. She wanted to be hopeful, though. She didn’t want anyone—not even V—to know the extent of her struggles.

But as V’s minty gaze flickered to her hidden hand, to the razor on the floor, and finally to the swelling around the young woman’s eyes, he looked as though he’d managed to piece together exactly what had taken place in here.

“It’s okay.”

How could two simple words break her down?

Rika at once leaned forward and buried her face in his chest, sniffling and sobbing. Her tears were soaking into his shirt, but he didn’t seem to mind. The young man just ran a hand through her soft curls and pulled her in at the waist, massaging little circles into the small of her back. “You don’t have to be strong for me, Rika.”

With a whimper, she lifted her head and gazed up at him with tearful emerald eyes. “I… She… I…” Who should she blame? Was this the doing of Rika, or of… something else entirely?

No, this was Rika. This was a part of her that she tried so desperately to keep hidden. The part of her that V had tried to kill, time and time again, by trying to force her to expose it and unravel it.

But right now, Rika was willing to throw herself into his arms, if only to hear the words she so desperately needed to hear.

“I love you, Rika. Nothing you do will ever change that.”

Could she trust his words?

At this moment, did she have a choice?

“Let me see.”

Immediately Rika leaped back, cowering away from him, clutching her wound in her good hand and turning away so that he couldn’t get even a glimpse. “It’s fine…” she murmured, but as she removed her hand from her wrist and saw the little specks of blood that splattered her fingertips, she couldn’t fight back the sob that followed.

“Antibacterial cream and bandages,” V suggested softly, his voice barely above a whisper. “We have some in here.”

The blue-haired young man withdrew a small tube of ointment and a box of bandages from one of the drawers, and Rika cursed herself silently for not being able to find them sooner. Begrudgingly, she held her arm out to him, and upon seeing the subtle raise of his eyebrows and the softening of his gaze, she felt tears begin to brim along the corners of her eyes again.

“V, you need to promise me something,” she whispered as he began to rub the ointment into her skin. The pressure against her wound made her flinch, but she bit her lip and tried to keep herself steady. “You won’t tell anyone, especially not the RFA. Not even Jumin.”

Concern and doubt flickered across his eyes, but V nodded slowly. “You don’t want them to see you like this,” he guessed.

“I’m their sun, V.”

“Sometimes there’s a solar eclipse, Rika.”

Their silence coated the air for a moment as V gently stuck the bandage onto her wrist, careful to ensure he could cover the entirety of her injury. It was small, but significant. It was dainty, but deep.

Rika couldn’t fight back the gasp that slowly seeped out of her lungs as her lover gently applied his lips to the surface of the bandage. “You are my sun,” he whispered as he pulled back, and he gently took her hand in both of his. “Nothing you do will make me stop seeking your light.”

Light… even like this? Was there any light in her at all?

“I don’t understand you,” she grumbled. “I don’t understand how you could love a devil like me.”

“I’m not asking you to understand,” he told her simply. “I’m asking you to trust me.”

With a nod of her head and a dull ache in her chest,

Rika leaned into V’s warm, comforting embrace.

With the power of love, and after a quick rest,

Maybe, her demons she would be able to face.

Getting serious for a moment this means nothing to anyone but peoplw make madakana so one sided which is special and painful but to some extent (specifically in regards to them caring about each other) untrue especially in it's current state they deeply care for each other you dont get it. It is very bittersweet and the time kanata spent sort of resentful of him was really good and really painful but he acknowledges him as his savior even if madara refused to its really good and bittersweet either way they are so important to each other as characters and as people and even in meteor impact after being almost cruel to him he still shows care for him in a way. Theres just something really wrong with both of them (which is so good) Whatever. Kicks rock

madara is interesting to me bc i do like the juxtaposition of him in wisteria saying he hates being lonely bc he loves people too much -- but arguably since he chose to be a solo idol .. like hes more of a self-made oddball than anything. he is a lonely person by his own choosing. maybe hes surronded but hes lonely yk? he loves people and humanity but he cannot get close because its never worked out for him... he is a walking tragedy!

Their shared struggle with a lack of/weirdness towards their own humanity and lack of care for their lives and need to sacrifice themselves 👍how tsumugi treats him normally despite thinking he's extraordinary and having admiration towards him and a severe lack of empathy and then helps lead this campaign of dehumanization against him for the greater good and rei takes it due to his martyr complex. He emphathized with eichi so much he let it happen. and he has the audacity to critique tsumugi for some things that he had thought about in regards to himself. How were they so close but out of reach from each other but still genuinely truly friends? At what point did reis amusement and weird interest towards him grow into genuine true care despite it still being there because to be fair tsumugi is a weird little freak, but also, rei taught him so much and treated him like a human being when he saw himself as lower than that? He was there on the day he saw proof of his newly found humanity, of his rebirth thanks to natsume and the war, congratulating him for it. Even after all this time he finds himself slipping into his old tone with him, the tone of a self he has long killed off. And now theyre friends again even though the scars remain, even though it's tsumugi's torturous punishment, rei takes care of him. says they could take over the world together. Still wants him to be just a little kinder to himself, just as he'd wished for before. Not to mention the thing rei had implied about his own family when eichi asked if he was bullied, too, while being painfully aware of tsumugi's family and how awful it was...? 2nd year tsumugi saying he grew attached to him after only talking a few times because his concern made him genuinely, truly happy and rei saying he couldnt leave him alone and that he shouldnt act so distant. That theyre friends if he wants him to be. Teaching him what, in his perspective, friendship is, because tsumugis view of it is so skewed he doesnt even know when he has permission to consider someone his friend, and he has so many connections yet hes so alone. this isn't even all but I shant I cant and I shant.

Benefits of a bowl cut

Adachi: Clearly, I’m already going to hell, so there’s no point in trying anymore.

'Why do you love rika. I love rika myself as well. Tbh for me its like, the more I stay in mysme fandom the more my love and appreciation for rika grows. It initially started as me being angry at the double standards of the most asian media fandoms in general cuz i realised that rika would have been more well loved if she was a man, people would use the male!rika's trauma to justify his actions and this thought has made me angry and made me "appreciate" rika out of spite. But it eventually has grown into a genuine appreciation for her. Idk how to explain but something inside me makes me want to protect her and save her from everything happened to her leading upto the current situation. And more hate she gets more i feel the desire to defend her.

Actually my no 1 is another character and he has a place of his own which no one could take (its yoosung btw) but rika...i think she might be a close second fave i guess - anon'

I accidentally messed up your ask, so I'll be replying in this way instead!

Thank you for the question, dear anon! I'm always giddy to chitchat about these things. I do want to prelude this by saying that this is not really a proper analysis, but more of me just writing out my personal feelings. I might try my hand at actual analysis one day, but, for now, I'm just sharing my own interpretations!

Mystic Messenger is probably the only fandom I have been in since... well, since it has formed, basically. It's wild to think about sometimes. Things are very different in our little space now, compared to how it was before. Public perception of Rika is one of those things. I can totally resonate with your frustrations on that front, unfortunately. I know many folks miss the time when the fandom was bigger, but... personally, I don't. Especially as a Rika fan. It was borderline exhausting trying to curate your fandom space as a Rika fan at the time. Hell, we had full blogs dedicated to solely hating on her, a fictional character, and people who expressed their love for her. And that's just here on Tumblr. People used to full on write hate comments under every single seasonal CG with Rika in it. It was terrible, and very, very disheartening to see. Especially since most Rika fans I've met over the years are the sweetest people. Granted, there is a case to be made for practically every mm character, and how the fandom may have misinterpreted them in one way or another, so it's not just a Rika problem. Just that she was majorly disliked.

If anything, I'm very happy Cheritz still continued to include Rika in the seasonal events despite it all. Props to them on that front.

Right now, thankfully, things are much more peaceful and respectful. Rika is definitely not the more popular character, but now you can openly express your love for her in the fandom space, without fear of being harassed. I'd say that's a great win for us!

That being said, as to why I love Rika... Hm, it's interesting to put it into words. I didn't have a strong opinion on her until V's route came out. I never really shared the collective hatred of her, but I didn't love her either, you know? V's route came out during a pretty rough patch in my life, and I think that helped me get personally invested in what it had to tell. Rika actually feels like a fleshed out character with many nuances, and that instantly made me interested in paying close attention to what they wanted to do with her.

Rika is complicated, to say the least. She always was, but, with all the added content to her story that Cheritz have put out over the years, her complexity only evolved further. I love that about her. I love morally dubious characters who's mind you have to carefully study and pick apart piece by piece in order to understand them. I love how she is not really a villain in a traditional sense. She is not actively pursuing harm on anybody, not in her eyes. It is fascinating to me how different her view point is, compared to those around her. How skewed her perception of the world around her grows over the years. It's both scary and captivating.

So, it started with fascination. Appreciation for her character and a desire to delve deeper into what makes her who she is today. I think... my appreciation has grown into love when her Behind Story came out. I know many folks have very complicated feelings towards it, especially since it came out alongside V's After End and its unfortunate push for forgiveness, but I never really viewed Cheritz establishing Rika's past as an attempt to wash her of her sins. It just came out at a very bad timing is all. If her Behind Story came out a bit later, I think public opinion of it would have been different. It's a shame that their huge mess up with the message in V's After Ending sabotaged it like that.

Thing is, Rika wouldn't be as compelling and interesting as she is, if she was truly innocent. That being said, I... relate to her struggles on a deeply personal level. Not as deeply as I do with Saeran, but her story and her struggles do make me choke up to this day. Because, in a way, I see my past self in her. Being able to read through her story, her thoughts, and her feelings have really made me form a genuine fondness to her. Her religious trauma, her painful path of learning to survive in an environment that actively tries to harm you at every possibility, her fears of being the devil everyone says she is, her inability to accept and love herself, because all she has ever known is pain, danger and hatred... It hurts. I think, everyone has that little voice inside their head. Telling them that they are bad and undeserving of the love people close to them are expressing. That everyone actually hates them. That there is something inherently wrong with them. It's heartbreaking that, in Rika's case, this voice has eventually consumed her to the point of no return.

When you are an abused child, who knows nothing but the hostile world they have at home, it will follow you into every crook and cranny of your life. Even when you're not home, even when you're 'safe', your mind and body will still be on high alert, as it's natural to try and keep yourself safe from harm. Rika's fear of the world around her, her deep inner self-hatred is something I have experienced as an abused child/young teen. It's debilitating, and it's heartwrenching to think that so many people have to suffer like this.

I think the beauty of her story to me is the sheer tragedy of it. It's a tough pill to swallow, but people are not born evil. She has done horrible, immoral and unforgivable things, and yet, in some twisted sense, her heart was not filled with malice as she did so. She believed she was saving Saeran, she believed she was providing her believers the safety and love they couldn't get elsewhere, she believed she was trying to show her old friends the truth by taking them to her side. Of course, none of those things are actually true. Her real intentions were selfish, albeit not evil. A desperation to be loved and not abandoned. That dichotomy is both beautiful and tragic to me. (Some of these are very bad quality bc I can't screenshot stuff right now)

Of course, there's also the whole V/Rika debacle. Personally, I never put all of the responsibility onto either one of them. That takes away the beautiful tragedy of their shared bond. V - or, Jihyun - genuinely cares deeply for her. He is heartbroken at all the suffering he sees her go through during his route. Of course, it's not just his care for Rika at play, but we're not talking about him right now. While, for Rika, he was her only anchor, her light, the one person who saw the real her and accepted her instead of forsaking her. At least that's what she thought. Rika and V are two very hurt and troubled individuals who have met each other at the worst possible time. And that makes it so sad to me. Neither him nor Rika truly wanted to harm one another. Whether there was any romantic love between them or not, they did care for one another deeply. Too deeply, even. Clinging to one another in order to satiate the emptiness they had inside, each in their own toxic way. It was not healthy. But it was genuine.

And I love tragic bonds, be it romantic or not. There is something compelling about two people who do want the best for one another just causing more harm than good. It's also painfully truthful. Not to such an extreme, but the struggle of doing what's best with no direction is one many can relate to.

I guess, to conclude this all, I'd say I love Rika for her complexity most of all. There are so many layers to her, and her story is truly a heartbreaking one to behold. But, God, is it beautiful, too.

Also, may I just add, her voice actress is absolutely amazing? She puts her all into playing Rika, and her story wouldn't be as moving if it wasn't for her breathtaking work. Her voice acting made me cry a whole lot of times.

Cocteau Twins: Head Over Heels (1983)