“I Can Fix Her” Said The Delusional Computer Scientist Staring At The Genocidal Sentient Super Computer.

Really love how this generation turned the tables and created this situation where instead of people being scared of cryptids, the cryptids are dead terrified of horny humans.

"You foolish human, I'm going to eat you!"

"Alright, I'm down for it, eat me monster daddy"

"What the fuck"

LMFAO

LMFAOOO GET HIS ASS

Real

thinking about being on top and feeling confident bc you think you control the pace. you’re in charge now and what a feeling until you realize they’re just holding your hips while you grind and they pound into from beneath. they bounce you and hold you down and :( :((((

“WAKA SAMAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!”

Deserved fr. I have never seen a man have the balls to fix a relationship before. I'm saying this from experience.

Before It's Too Late

Warnings: Angst(no comfort)

:Scaramouche;Kazuha;Xiao;Diluc x GN Reader

You love how constant things are.

Everyday, the same thing will happen. A kiss for your lover in the morning then work until the last rays of sun can be seen and return to his arms at night.

You hate change.

Hate how his eyes don't hold the same love for you. He stops talking to you and asking how your day was. Body turning away from you whenever you try to hug him, an excuse always slipping from him.

You stayed for love.

Fixing things as if it'll turn back the same but cracks have already appeared and you couldn't do anything but watch.

Everything happens so suddenly, like you're floating but drowning at the same time.

His words gripping your heart so much that even breathing hurts.

But a fool you are, hugging him and trying to make him stay with you. Words of affection already spilling from you, shame and dignity already thrown out of the picture. Everything for him to love you again.

Hope was in your eyes when he turned around until a stinging silence greeted you.

For a brief moment, you believed that you could still save your love for him.

No tears escape from you as you cradle your burning cheek from being slapped. As the realization of everything dawned on you, your pitiful form kneeled against the floor. You felt everything all at once, while he stands there stunned.

Shaking hands tried to reach for you but you backed away from him like a cornered animal.

"I'm so sorry,... I didn't - I'm so sorry (Y/N). Please let me hold you. I'm so sorry love I didn't mean to, please"

"You slapped me?" you asked, still in denial that the man you spend all your years with can hurt you so much like this.

"I'm so sorry (Y/N), I don't know what got into me-"

"You're right" you look at him and for the first time you feel calm, like the final piece fitting into the puzzle.

"This relationship's not gonna work. I can't force myself to you if you don't love me anymore"

"That's not true, I still love you (Y/n). Can we just talk about this?"

Picking yourself up you removed the ring he had given you and handed it to him. Already done being the one who keeps this relationship alive. You're tired in fighting for his affection everyday as if his love was limited to only acknowledging your presence alone.

"Stop this (Y/n), put this back right now, what are you doing?!"

Everything was clear now, as if you'd been suddenly brought to light.

Love is not enough to save the both of you and this was the last straw to give everything up. So you let it all fall.

"Don't please, no you can't do this! (Y/n)!"

"I love you! Please! Just... just stop. Let's talk ok? (Y/n)?"

You didn't turn back, even if he tried to call for you, just as how you imagined he did in your dreams once upon a time when you're still naive, stupid, and hopeful.

Packing your belongings as quickly as you can, not wasting anymore time as he begs for you stay like how you beg for him earlier.

Regret fills him as he watches the only thing that matters to him walk out of his life, unable to stop you because he has already hurt you so much that the least he can do is to let you go.

He stood helplessly by the door, wishing you'd return and love him again, but you didn't even once look back.

Like how the corgi keeps checking back to make sure he still has horsy

THIS IS THE FUNNIEST SHIT I'VE EVER READ 😭

✿ : annoying sex habits; pillars

synopsis: annoying (?) things that come up when you have sex with your respective hashira

pairings: tomioka giyuu x f!reader, shinazugawa sanemi x f!reader, rengoku kyojuro x f!reader, uzui tengen x f!reader, iguro obanai x f!reader, himejima gyomei x f!reader

warnings: minors dni, explicit smut, rough sex, cursing, no beta

notes: slander, just slander. and crack. i apologize for spelling/grammatical errors !

GIYUU:

awkwardly quiet from start to finish

like damn, mf, not even a grunt? A GASP? 😭

his breathing doesn’t even pick up

he’s just silently hovering above, swiftly thrusting into you

even when he cums—NOTHING!!

LIKE CAN YOU AT LEAST SIGH??

and to top it off, after he cums he just sorta rolls over and pets you on the head? like he wants to smooth your hair back but he’s too afraid to commit??? like he wasn’t all up in your guts like two seconds ago?? ✋😐

you genuinely have no clue if he’s enjoying himself or not

you have to sit him down and admit to him that you feel a lil insecure because he doesn’t seem to be enjoying himself

giyuu feels TERRIBLE because he loves you deeply and is affected by you sm but he just can’t stand hearing himself moaning

his moans are kinda high-pitched, almost keening, and it’s so embarrassing to him

to YOU, giyuu, not to us 😫

“i...sound...weird” is all he says, frowning in the complete opposite direction from you

he slipped up once tho and y’all weren’t even having sex

you were straddling his lap, both fully clothed, kissing each other fervently, after he’d return to his estate after a very long mission

he was already feeling a little frayed from not seeing you for so long

so that with the way your grinding down against his bulging cock, mewling and moaning as you plant sloppy kisses against his mouth, his cheeks, the neck; sighing “missed you, missed you so much” into his ear

he starts to feel himself unravel at a rate that concerns him, you feel so good and sound so sweet —it’s all too much for him

his breathing kinda stutters, but you’re too engrossed to notice

giyuu is like “nope, nuh uh, absolutely not” as he tries to gather himself together, blinking away the white spots in his vision

but then you drag your crotch against his clothed cock so good, so deliciously that he can’t help the shaky, high pitched moan that escapes from his lips

you glance up at him in shock while he shuts his eyes and hangs his head in shame

“wait...wait, giyuu did you—”

“stop”

“no wait! that was so hot!”

almost kicks you out of his room 😭

like i’m sorry, it’d take a while for him to actually let loose but at least he’s sorta sighing into your ear now? 😅

SANEMI:

talks a huge f*cking game about how big his cock is and how he’s gonna tear your sh*t up

bitch...we weren’t being LITERAL

he’s actually thrusting into you like he wants to square up with your cervix

LIKE BRO RELAX???

i do think sanemi enjoys rougher sex but sometimes i think it’s a lil performative

i also think he feels that he needs to overcompensate bc he thinks he’s not as experienced

y’all he canonically has a pet rhinoceros beetle,,,he ain’t as big and bad as he seems💀

also he doesn’t know how to be truly intimate with anyone but we can get into that later

BUT ANYWAYS!

no foreplay, just dives into the pussy

literally throws you onto the bed, sucks at you neck for a bit and then all of sudden you hear a “hpwuah! 💦”

and you sit up like “ikyfl” just to see he’s spat onto the shaft of his cock, pumping his fist along his shaft to spread the saliva

babe that’s when you should’ve sat up and left 😟

HIS COCK IS TOO FCKIN THICK AND BIG TO BE DOIN STUPID SH*T LIKE THAT

between the lack of foreplay and the way he’s just slamming his hips into yours...you are in PAINNN

and he keeps grunting shit like “yeah, you like that? gonna tear your f* ckin uterus into half” WHAT?(???$;@3&:

you slam your fists against his chest and choke out a “sanemi, stop”

he stills instantly, panting as his facial expression morphs into one of confusion and concern

“what’s wrong?” he asks gruffly, gently placing his hand on your arm and giving you a tiny squeeze there

once you tell him that he’s hurting you way more than you’d like, he’d feel bad almost immediately

sanemi sits back, his shoulders tense with shame and he gives a terse, “sorry “

willing to learn but y’all might argue here and there bc he refuses to believe that he isn’t the pussy destroyer he claims to be

KYOJURO

okay he’s actually got the mechanics down

has no problem pleasuring you/making you cum

HOWEVER!

HE’S LIKE MFIN DRILL SERGEANT

like y’all can’t have sex leisurely 😭

and it’s not so much a sexual thing as it is that kyojuro just wants you to be the best version of yourself possible,,,in every aspect of your life 😐

it starts off as like kyojuro being like “ONE MORE ROUND!” and you thought it was hot that his stamina was through the roof

but then it quickly turns into “omg WHEN DOES THIS END?!’cc”

you’ve been bouncing on his cock FOR GOD KNOWS HOW LONG trying to get him to cum

but you’re tiring quickly, your thighs burning as they tremble against kyojuro’s waist

you’re place your hands on his lower stomach for SOME sort of stability as your hips stutter

kyojuro feels you tremble against him and from the way you’re panting, he knows it’s from exhaustion

he has his hands on your waist to help you keep balance, but he isn’t assisting you 💀he wants you to work for it

you’re sweaty af, struggling to lift your hips off his cock as you pout up at him

“i-i’m getting tired, kyojuro—”

“you are? but it’s only been sixteen minutes?” he smiles up at you, face flushed as his hair spills around the pillow.

“i’m not fit like you” you pant, face screwed up as your calves begin to cramp up.

kyojuro’s face falls slightly “ah, don’t say that! you’re just as fit! here, let’s try for ten more minutes, i believe in you! 🏋️ 😃”

and he looks up at you so earnestly,,,you’re like “godDAMNIT”

he holds both of your hands in his to keep you balanced and he literally starts shouting encouragements at you jskziwkuss

shouts a variation of like “try harder!” and “7 more minutes! you can do this!”

MF, NO I CAN’T 🧎🏾‍♀️😭

you know when you’re doing an intense workout and you get so tired your life flashes before your eyes? YEAH,,,YOU ARE DYINGGGG RN

of course you don’t complete the full 10 minutes but kyojuro doesn’t get on your ass completely about it

he just flips your listless body over and adjusts himself before he starts slowly thrusting into you

“don’t worry, my love! all that matters is that you tried! i’m sure you can do it next time!” he beams down at your whimpering form, before kissing your forehead

he’s cute but LIKE WHY DOES SEX HAVE TO BE A MFIN WORKOUT?? ✋😭

you have to tell him that you’re down to workout with him (RIP to you 💀) OUTSIDE the bedroom but you want sex with him to be slow paced and intimate...not him yelling at you like he’s your coach

he’ll ease up immediately, don’t worry!

OBANAI

mf said “the snake stays ON during sex! 😤💯”

jk

no i’m not

obanai is like “can kaburamaru stay in the room? 😐”

and you’re like “i—um, that would be cool but i feel like he’d be uncomfortable”

and he’s like “omg ur right...i wouldn’t want to watch him have sex either i guess 😕”

so y’all have to PLAN AHEAD TO FIND A BABYSITTER FOR HIS SNAKE IF YALL WANNA— 🤦🏾‍♀️

obanai thinks of kaburamaru as a friend, not so much as a pet so he’s feel guilty for “abandoning” him because he has a S/O now

that’s his mfin bestie 😌

okay real talk, obanai loves you, he is bewitched, body and soul—

maybe a bit TOO much because he’ll literally cum during foreplay and then pass out right after 🙁

HKSHDIDJEI HE CAN’T HELP IT!!

he tries to continue after cumming, but it’s like he’s been drugged

his eyes are struggling to stay open, barely holding himself up as he keeps slurring on his words, like omg baby,,,just sleep, it’s okay

he tries tries tries to make you cum before he finishes, BUT EVERYTHING YOU DO GETS HIS COCK ROCKHARD

obanai was laying between your legs, lip suctioned around your clit, dragging his tongue over the little nub

all while he’s languidly thrusting two fingers in and out your slick pussy

and baby his head game is *CHEF KISS*

you’re mewling and whining, grinding your hips against his face as he laps his tongue up and down your folds

the sounds your making, the taste of your cunt, the way he can feel you throbbing against his mouth—it has HIM trembling and whimpering

he’s unconsciously rutting his hips against the mattress, squeezing his eyes shut as he attempts to control himself

but then you make this sound that’s caught between a whimper and grunt, and it catches so prettily in the back of your throat—

he blows his load, unbeknownst to you, as gasps against your heat

he literally knocks out between your legs, with his mouth smushed against your pussy 💀

TENGEN

not a single f*cking thing

look at that man and tell me he doesn’t give you the best pipe of your life

okay wait actually there maybe ONE THING ☝️

he talks wayyyy too fucking much during sex

and it’s mostly outlandish sh*t

okay, when he asked “whose pussy is this? 😩” it was all fine and dandy BUT THEN HE TAKES IT UP A NOTCH—

“you’d die by this dick, huh 😏”

my pride won’t let me say yes, but yes...i would 🧎🏾‍♀️

like he says the most strange sh*t ever and it draws you out of the sex head space to be like “...WAIT WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?”

he does it on purpose though 💀

he’s lining himself up to your entrance and he looks up at you smirking and is all like “im gonna make you a single mother”

AYOO???? 😭

BITCH.WHAT.THE.FUCK??!!

you literally shoot up, scrunching your legs up to your chest

while he laughs at your horrified look

BRO DON’T PLAY LIKE THAT 😭

that and i feel like he’s so fckin heavy handed omg

slaps your ass while you’re riding him and your whole skeleton rattles for like 5 minutes after 😭

yeah other than that...there is no way he’d be bad at sex

GYOMEI

very...very...gentle

he’s genuinely afraid of hurting you during sex

like he’s so MASSIVE and he’s convinced there is no way you can take all of him

he feels the way your pussy barely accommodates two of his fingers and he’s like “hm maybe not...🥲”

when he’s fingering you, he just barely squirms his fingers around while he winces in fear that he’s hurting you

you tell him “gyomei, go harder”

and he’s like “no”

!;&;&/&/7,$;7)/)/

and you’re like “but i barely feel you moving?”

and he’s like “trust me this is for your own good”

YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!

when he finally finally agrees to f*ck you with his cock, the whole process takes almost three hours because he takes his time lubing you up and stretching you out with his fingers

it takes him the whole last hour to actually bottom out just from out how slow he’s easing into you

and everytime your breath catches in your throat, he slides his cock from out of your pussy and he’s like “ahh, i knew this was a bad idea!”

and then y’all have to start all over again

he can barely feel you squeeze around his cock from just how you’re stretched around him and he starts to freak out

you have to assure him that he’s not hurting you so he doesn’t pull out again

he’s so sweet tho 🥺

Some words to use when writing things:

winking

clenching

pulsing

fluttering

contracting

twitching

sucking

quivering

pulsating

throbbing

beating

thumping

thudding

pounding

humming

palpitate

vibrate

grinding

crushing

hammering

lashing

knocking

driving

thrusting

pushing

force

injecting

filling

dilate

stretching

lingering

expanding

bouncing

reaming

elongate

enlarge

unfolding

yielding

sternly

firmly

tightly 

harshly

thoroughly

consistently

precision

accuracy

carefully

demanding

strictly

restriction

meticulously

scrupulously

rigorously

rim

edge

lip

circle

band

encircling

enclosing

surrounding

piercing

curl

lock

twist

coil

spiral

whorl

dip

wet

soak

madly

wildly

noisily

rowdily

rambunctiously

decadent

degenerate

immoral

indulgent

accept

take

invite

nook

indentation

niche

depression

indent

depress

delay

tossing

writhing

flailing

squirming

rolling

wriggling

wiggling

thrashing

struggling

grappling

striving

straining

Things I find attractive about a person

When they laugh spontaneously

Kindness

Decisiveness

Empathy

Taking time to listen to others attentively

Empowering and lifting others up

Believing in themselves and others

Embracing their uniqueness

Giving without expecting anything in return

Showing support and care

Sharing positivism and optimism

Acceptance and maturity

Not being afraid of saying I love you

fighting for love and passion

Expressing feelings through words, actions or passions

Openness to new experiences

Valuating what’s important

Working hard and not quieting when things get hard

Yoo. Yuu's giving me a very much Bob Ross vibes.

Older!Yuu

I’m just here to mix-and-match different kinds of Yuus with different kinds of personalities to see what monstrosity I can make. That being said,,, Older!Yuu brainrot!

Honestly? I just wanted to make Crowley a simp and it escalated.

Anyway, Older!Yuu who’s always exhausted, gives weird life stories that may or may not be true, gives oddly good advice, and mostly has no fucks to give anymore.

Also has that dilf/milf/pilf vibes going on, even with or without children.

Then again, it doesn’t even matter if they have children or not cause they’re going to end up adopting majority, if not all, of the school, anyway.

Yuu wakes up in the coffin, pauses to take in where they were, and then curses.

“Fuck, I knew I shouldn’t have drunk that expired milk…”

They initially think they’re dead and just spend a few minutes in the coffin chilling and thinking of things like, “At least I get to go free from the family reunion, that’s something…”, “Jannet’s baby’s ugly. Are babies supposed to be that wrinkly? Maybe I should’ve gifted them an anti-wrinkle cream on the baby shower instead…”, and “Damn, I should’ve had Matt pay me back the money he owed me in high school had I known I was going to die. That asshole always somehow conveniently forgets to bring any money with him whenever we meet…”

That is until they heard a voice outside the coffin and see the coffin’s lid being pushed aside to meet face to face with… a cat.

“Whaaaaaaa!!!! Why are you up?!”

“You know, I’m wondering the same myself…”

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