Just Curious, How Old Do You Think I Am?

Drowning in You

A not-friendly reminder that Sylris isn’t there just to play house.

Mizan

I won’t say the translation, sry. It’s a scene from that short story/fic I’m writing with Kenyan and a self-insert character. AO3

For some reason, I don’t imagine this character the way I actually am. I imagine them blond, short hair, greek-like clothes (? First drawing). But drawing them that way was too off from how I look, so I drew them like that (Second drawing) which is still nothing like me, but at least they look like I wanted to look

And they’re hotter now. Haha!

ALTER EGO

Another game! I honestly thought Es was a man, but then I went to look fanarts and I realized she was a woman. Anyway, the drawing is mine, I do it as I wish.

I’m also playing other game besides this, and why are they always black-and-white with minor colorful details? Is it easier to paint?

“What’s your body count?”

Hiélo: …many (LIAR)

Ethan: I dated some people, but it didn’t work.

Behati: Do you want to increase the count?

Kenyan: 2517+2. … Jk, Jk, LoL. ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᵏⁱˡˡ ᵐᵉ

Yuno: I only have one body?

Sylris: 30.

Maya: *confused shapeshifter noises*

I refuse to write. Instead, I’ll make thousand of these (until I get tired too)

There’s nothing better than drawing lazily without the responsibility of making a beautiful drawing ❤️

I haven’t talked about Maya here, cuz so far she only appears in the first chapter, but I’m planning to bring her back in the future. And she ended up looking like me because I never bothered to draw her, so I don’t have a perfect image of her—

And I’d say yes for Behati. That’s all I have to declare.

Death Palette

What an awesome game. It's been a while since I played it, but I suddenly got the urge to draw the girl.

I tried following the game’s vibes, so I used a charcoal-like brush.

Afternoon Snack (AU)

That’s how those theories started!

Ethan’s so done… but what can she do? Kenyan will never get used to processed meat and bland plants. It feels like eating plastic and poison.

Rest in peace, cute blue bird 🕊️🪻

Yeah, my style is gradually degrading its quality 😝 Comics take too much time for something useless (it’s not relevant for the main story) and I will not spend more than a day to do it. And I know if I decide to continue it another day, I’ll never finish it ❤️

(If you don’t know, Auvies are carnivores. They might be able to eat plants, but it tastes really bad.)

I need more Ethan and Maya, tell me about them please 🥺

I’m glad you liked them 😭💖 tbh, Maya was a total extra character that wouldn’t appear for a long, LONG time, but I decided she’s gonna accompany Ethan cuz she’s too cool to just disappear🤙🏽 (and now I’m dying to rethink the whole story omg send help)

Hmmm I dunno what to say about Ethan without spoiling but, geez, he’s hard to write. His description is apparently simple: shy, insecure guy who wants to be loved. Simple. SO SIMPLE THAT IS HARD TO MAKE HIM LOOK LIKE A PROTAGONIST. He was made to be a normal guy amidst the weirdos, but because of this, it’s troublesome to highlight his own characteristics. Like, everything is related to somebody else, the drama is because of someone else… he doesn’t have any “active” decisions, and it’s annoying me 😭😭

I hope he gets to improve and realize he is not a spectator of his own life. He needs to act by himself, to do what he wants, and stop living for others. MOVE, BOY!

(Secretly this is an advice for myself lol)

Thank you very much for the ask 🫶🏽

THANK GOD AGAIN CUZ I REMEMBERED I SENT THIS CHAPTER TO SOMEONE, SO IT WAS SAVE THERE 😭❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

I just deleted the chapter unintentionally.

That’s it, lemme kms— /jk

(Explanation: I was trying to write in Ellipsus cuz everyone says you shouldn’t write in Google Docs. Then, I was going to read it now, but the work name was in that initial tutorial, and below was the drafts (my chapter). I, innocently, clicked to delete this tutorial page, thinking it was just another page like the drafts, and it said: it’ll be deleted forever, and I was, okay, fine, I don’t care about the tutorial 🤙🏽 then it closed the window and all the drafts went with God ☠️ I even cried haha…)

(Thank God I had part of the chapter in Google Docs, but it’s lacking 900 words, give or take. Ughhhhhh I’m wondering if it’s karma for making Ethan’s life so difficult 😩)

CW: abuse, gore?, description of burning death

AO3

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Sunburn

“Ah… I wish you had found your new friend.” Sylris smiled and placed his crown on a pillow. “The imaginary intruder should be on the stacks too, don’t you think so? They were very disrespectful at us, my dear.”

Kenyan didn’t bother to answer, as she was busy trying to take off her rings, what at the moment seemed like an impossible task. Her hands wouldn’t stop shaking and her body was burning inside out.

Burning almost as much as she had burned those people.

The difference between them and her was in their innocence. They were people who begged for food. People who ran from a slavish job. People who fought to protect their family. People who denounced an injustice.

And she was a murder wearing a lavish long gown. Pampered by all, adorned with jewelry; an elegant example of holiness and grace to Martra.

Her nail bent over and she hissed. Blood was simmering from there, dripping down on the white skirt, and all she could do was stare at it. Stare at the red blur, at least, as her trembling wouldn’t let her focus on anything.

It was deeply awful. Herself, she meant. She was awful. She should be dead with them. Or better saying, they should be alive, and she should suffer the worst death in this world. That was all she deserved.

“Hurting yourself already?”

Sylris came from behind when she noticed his hand holding hers. His other hand had fell on her waist, keeping her close to him on this embrace.

“You know this won’t change anything, right?” he whispered against her pointy ear. “Hurt yourself or no, they’re still dead. Unmoving, unchangeable, permanent: that’s what death is. That’s what you did, my love.” He took her hand to his lips, and kissed her fingers, one by one.

His voice was nauseating. His words made her skin crawl. His kisses were poison. And his hands? Treacherous, horrendous hands? Always knew where to touch, where to press, where to hold.

He had slid his arm around her belly, and her body faltered slightly over his. She shivered as her unsteady heart went out of control.

What kind of personal betrayal was it? How could her body lean upon the evil she despised the most? How could she feel anything other than hatred for this nasty creature?

But perhaps a monster called for a monster. Her other half would be like her half.

It was only fair.

Even so, she’d rather be alone forever than staying with him.

“Let me go, I’m tired,” she muttered. “I need to rest in my chambers.”

“Why not in mine? You’re shaking so much; it wouldn’t hurt to have someone to hold you, would it, love?” He turned her over, keeping them face to face. “Or are you thinking about staying with your pet at this time of night?” He smirked.

“He’s not my pet,” came the automatic answer. However, her throat tightened at the thought.

After their discussion, Hiélo came to say sorry a thousand times. His ears were flat, his tail dull, and hearing his voice cracking gnawed at her conscience; which led her to accept his apologies. But, honestly? She didn’t want to. For some reason, she only wanted to be mad at him a little longer. She only wanted to have time to organize her feelings and find a proper reason to forgive him.

But since when did she have a choice? How could she be mad at the person who was trying to love her despite her actions?

She swallowed dry. “Hiélo won’t be there, I promise. I won’t call him.” She slowly took his hands off her. “I want to rest alone; is there a problem with it?”

His eyes scrutinized her wholly. It felt like being under a predator gaze, waiting to be devoured at each minute, counting the last seconds of her life— but then he let go of her waist.

“No, there is not. You can go ahead.” His hand lifted her chin softly. “Ask a maid to help you with the rings, okay? I don’t want to see my wife fingerless.” He chuckled and his face approached hers.

The knot on her stomach increased as she knew what was happening. Knowing didn’t make it the slightest better, so she shut her eyes and counted to five for what seemed an eternity. A hot, burning eternity. Hell itself.

Curse her head for getting lighter.

When he broke the kiss with that grin of his, she didn’t stay a second to hear him. Nothing good could come of that mouth, and she kept repeating it for herself as she stormed on the empty halls.

The heat was unbearably clinging to her, suffocating her lungs and expeling the oxygen left on her. And the tricky part of it? She could stop it, if she wanted. Her spiky halo was lightening the environment, and it was the blatant proof that her powers were acting over something, over herself. Warming, heating, burning until her head was spinning, until her gut was churning, until her skin began swelling.

And they had it worse. They didn’t have time to dwell in a little dizziness.

It was pure torture. Flesh tearing apart, splitting, and shearing from the bones; fire crackling and screams breaking through the space; the stench of coal and smoke flying in the sky… until there was nothing left to see—not even their ashes.

That was the power she held. That was the sin she carried.

Her insides unraveled midway her room, throwing up the contents of her stomach on a corner. She gagged and cried as her body fell its temperature, taking advantage of the unease to finally turn her furnace off.

Really, how could someone live like this? How could someone like her still be alive? Just who allowed her existence in this world?!

She should be dead. She should be dead. She. Should. Be. Dead.

But as she wasn’t, she raised from her place and stumbled forward.

(I love the nixies. I wanted to “talk” nixian with them)

AO3

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Heated

They weren’t there anymore.

Kenyan searched the garden upside down, the castle, the forest, the city… but nobody saw them. Sure, her description of them wasn’t the greatest, but people had to notice that glowing person. They weren’t someone you glance at only once; they were like a magnet attracting her, and it should have happened with everyone else, too.

So where could they have gone?

She even wondered if they were an image from her mind, but, as far as she knew, hallucinations don’t act like they did:

An intruder broke the castle’s window yesterday, messed up Sylris’s chambers, stole food from the kitchen, cleaned her chambers, and put a big stuffed panda on her bed.

And nobody, not even Hiélo who was in her room, heard or saw anything while it happened. The only witness of the supposed “intruder” was her, Kenyan, when she was high, sleep-deprived, and with loss of blood.

It couldn’t have happened for real. They weren’t real. What she saw wasn’t an intruder. They even claimed the garden their home! What kind of intruder would be this bold at Maivtre? And the guards also searched for them in the garden, asked the Nixies if they noticed something and… nothing.

They had to be a figment of her imagination. A self-relief her brain came up with, that somehow worked.

Last night she fell in a deep slumber while hugging that panda (Hiélo said she threatened to set fire on him if he tried to take it), and that was far the best sleep she had in years. No dreams, no nightmares, no interruptions… just a full eight hours of rest. The migraine and nausea still came when she woke up, but that was common. She couldn’t have asked for anything better! Her mind was useful for once!

But even after being sure that person was something she invented, there she was in the garden, crouched by the flowers and signing to a group of Nixies.

Person. Light. There. Me. ?

And they shook their heads, no. Kenyan frowned slightly and tried again.

Walking. Jumping. Happy. Here. Home. ?

And they shook their heads, no. Also, one flew to Kenyan’s head, touched her forehead and dragged their tiny hands down her face. After staring at her, the nixie flattened their wings.

“You’re getting crazy. You were falling apart. Are you okay?”

She huffed and got up, quickly signing a “fine” for them.

“I told you,” the rough voice sounded behind her. “Nobody saw the intruder.”

“Yes, Élo, thank you for pointing out the obvious,” she replied harsher than expected.

His eyes squinted at her as they walked towards the tree. It was enormous, providing the same shadow she had used yesterday. The same shadow she shared with them. Right there. Where she felt them, their warmth, their excitement, and their happiness for being with her.

Could you imagine it? Even Kenyan herself couldn’t stand her presence, and someone, something, actually liked her!

“Kenyan, do you seriously don’t remember anything about their appearance? Gender? Voice?”

She sighed hard, rolling her eyes before turning at him.

“Why would I lie about it?” Her eyebrows raised. “Haven’t I been searching for them as well?!”

“How can I know what’s going on in your mind?” He crossed his arms. “They got you a teddy bear; how can I know if you aren’t keeping them hidden because of it?”

She flinched with the sharp pain on her head.

“Please, Hiélo, I might be a menace, but I am not reckless about this kingdom.” Her face scrunched. “If you think I can’t distinguish between safe and dangerous, you might as well have a problem with your mind.”

His jaw clenched as his tail lashed back and forth. Then, looking away, he pursed his lips. Avoiding talking to her. Avoiding her.

It was dizzying.

“Say it,” she demanded. “Now, while I’m listening.”

“…it’s not relevant.”

“I decide what’s relevant. Say it.”

He looked at her in that same reprimanding way. As if he was her father. As if she was a brat. As if he knew better than her.

“Look, I don’t want to offend you, but all you have been doing are dangerous and reckless things.”

“Ah, is that so? Thank you for pointing out the obvious.” She closed her hands on fists as her chest rose and fell. “I am aware of my dangerous and reckless behavior, General, and despite everything, I am still the Maivtre of this nation. I care about my people. I’ve been doing what I can to bear this burden, and I won’t doom it all over a teddy bear, as you swiftly placed in your statement.”

His eyes softened and her body tensed, shaking in disbelief.

“Kenyan, you know this isn’t what I said…” He reached for her hand, unclenching her fingers carefully. “I’m sorry if it sounded like that, I won’t ask again. Could you sit down and breathe slowly? Your head will get better if you do.”

There it goes. Hiélo, the white knight, and Kenyan, the poor queen.

Kenyan this! Kenyan that! Kenyan should! Kenyan could! Kenyan’s dumb! Kenyan’s wrong!

When will they stop treating her like a fool?

She shoved his hand away and paced back. “Keep guard from the outside. I’ll stay here for longer.”

“But you’re not fine, you should call the doct—“

“Yes, cause of my migraine, I am aware!” She glared at him. “Get out!”

He looked hurt at her, but she was already approaching the tree, finding that comforting spot amidst the roots. When she sat, he was marching at the door, and the place finally got its quietude back.

Her head leaned against the tree, and she breathed in, trying to control her heart. That unending pain was shattering her sanity, and the lack of answers wasn’t helping.

If that person was there, would they help her to calm?

No, but who in the cosmos could they be? A single day they appeared, and everything was messed up that much. A single day, and half the castle hates them. A single day, and they got her obsessed with them.

And they weren’t even real, were they? They came from her fractured soul.

So why couldn’t she summon them when she needed? Why wouldn’t they appear now? Why can’t they hear her crying?