“You Know, I Finally Got Over You. I Spilt All My Emotions Into Notebooks And Cried Through A Pen And

My depression, eating disorder, and addiction fighting over who gets to trigger me first:

Did anyone else experience abusive parents telling you how ‘lucky’ you are that you’re still a kid because you have it easy now, and things are about to get much harder for you once you grow up, because people still 'coddled’ you because you’re small but once you’re adult you shouldn’t expect anything from anyone, and will have to work much harder to get by? And it would instill complete terror in you because you were barely surviving as it is, things were already so impossibly hard and painful you wanted to end your existence, and by telling you things are about to get harder, you were actually told “you aren’t going to live for much longer“ and it was a big part of why you never expected to live to grow up

What it feels like to fall out of love with someone

I have seen so many posts about relationships ending, but none of them are ever from the point of view of the people who do the ending. So many posts about not being loved anymore, but I’ve never seen one about what it’s like to fall out of love with someone.

It’s when you see them and you don’t feel that same rush you once did. It’s not caring whether you can call them or not. It’s everything about them that annoys you, things you previously ignored, starting to slip in.

It’s denial. It’s horror at your own thoughts, because what are you even thinking? You love this person. You want to be with them, always. It’s telling yourself, ‘Of course I want to be with them, why wouldn’t I?’

And it’s pushing every single thought away, refusing to acknowledge it, until it eventually gets too much and you have to ask yourself, is this really what I want?

And it goes from not being happier when you see them, to not wanting to see them at all, and finding excuses, because you can’t look them in the eye, this person who loves you and who cares for you, a person who thinks you feel the same, but it’s fading and you’re doing all you can to hold on, but you just can’t.

It’s feeling sick as they tell you they love you because you know you have to say it back, because of course you love them, you have to, but as the words leave your mouth, you can taste bile at the lie.

It’s hating yourself, because this person, who cares about you, who wants to be with you, who is willing to put up with whatever you can throw at them, and you can’t do the same.

It’s the chemistry and the intimacy fading because you’re trying to force yourself because you’re still in denial, and it just makes you miserable.

It’s the eventual realisation that despite your best efforts, it just isn’t there for you. It’s telling your friends, breaking down and asking what the hell do I do, because if they can’t help you, no one can. It’s months and months all building up, and it’s more denial, more hating yourself, because this person, this person who loves you and cares for you, and you’re about to throw it back in their face.

It’s saying it to yourself at two in the morning, not being able to sleep because it’s all you can think about, and for one pure instant, all you feel is relief at finally having admitted it after lying to yourself for so long.

It’s the realisation that you have to tell them, because while you don’t love them, you care about them and the last thing you want to do is hurt them. It’s realising their parents will hate you for something you can’t properly explain, something their friends will never forgive you for, the feeling of letting down all those people.

It’s that awful, awful conversation, and while their world is shattering, all you can feel is relief. It’s more self hatred after, because you have completely and utterly destroyed someone, and you’re relieved about it.

It’s seeing them around a few months later, and they still look like they’re not completely okay, and it’s a sick feeling in your stomach when you make eye contact, and they walk away as quickly as possible.

It is the worst thing you can do to someone, but you just feel relieved you don’t have to lie to them anymore, lie to their parents, their friends.

It’s hating yourself for months, and doubting yourself and everything you do. It screws with your head, and it is one of the worst feelings imaginable.

"I wonder how biology can explain the physical pain you feel in your chest when all you want to do is be with someone."

Lunas-worlds-blog

have you ever been so lonely you could hardly function

Crushing Mistake

I liked you 

That was my first mistake

I let you come over

That was my second

I let you kiss me

That was my third

My biggest mistake

Was allowing you to make me feel insane

Was letting you make my self-worth waiver 

Was letting you make me question if I was worthy 

You are not the one for me

Because

I tried so hard to make it work 

I had to question what  you told me 

Because

Your actions always shouted the exact opposite

Let’s play, “was I abused” game! Reblog and bold the things your parents have done to you! Italicize if you’re not sure. (copy paste it all and then bold)

Physical abuse

parent slapped me to prove their point/teach me a lesson

parent spanked me as a “punishment” saying it was for my own good

parent pulled on my hair to force me to move

parent threw things at me while angry, things heavy enough to hurt me

parent trapped me into a room/corner so I couldn’t escape them

parent hit me when I wouldn’t obey them/tried to confront them

parent used a twig/stick/belt to lash at my body

parent grabbed me to force me to pay attention to them

parent pinned me down and physically prevented me from escaping

parent brought me into situations where I feared for my life

parent made it painfully obvious for me that I’ll obey them or suffer injuries

parent threatened to beat me if I wouldn’t do as they say

parent forcefully fed me something I refused to eat 

parent made an attempt at strangling/drowning/burning me

parent banged my head/body into the wall/furniture

parent forced me into sexual activities

Emotional abuse

parent called me derogatory names and slurs more than once

parent said my name mostly with hatred and scorn in their voice

parent degraded and humiliated me in front of others for fun

parent insulted and devalued something really important to me

parent deprived me of something that meant the world to me

parent yelled and swore at me in anger more than once

parent blamed me for things that were out of my control/not my fault

parent shamed me for my physical appearance

parent guilt-tripped me for not pleasing them well enough

parent regarded me as a burden, and shamed me for needing them at all

parent insisted I couldn’t take a joke after I got hurt from their insults

parent never comforted me/got angry if I reached for comfort

parent punished me for crying/showing fear/showing trauma symptoms

parent humiliated me for showing excitement and happiness

parent subtly let me know that my feelings and my problems don’t matter

parent got angry at me for feeling depressed/angry/tired/suicidal

parent blamed me for feeling depressed/angry/tired/suicidal

parent compared me to cousins/other children to prove how I’m the worst

parent decided for me how I feel when it was convenient for them

parent told me that I was crazy/delusional/need to be locked away

parent threatened me with kicking me out/sending away if I don’t change

parent refused to accept my sexuality/tried to force it to change

parent required for me to act normal to protect family’s reputation

parent isolated me from family activities they all enjoy

parent assured me that nobody will ever want me 

parent insisted that I was lucky and that I could have had it much worse

parent made me responsible for their well being and made me the caretaker

parent insisted that their harmful acts were all made “out of love”

parent demanded me to be available for their requests at any time

parent punished me for trying to establish boundaries

parent destroyed my belongings as a revenge

parent made inappropriate sex jokes and comments in my presence

parent denied doing any of this and insists that all the blame is on me

Psychological Abuse

parent kept pointing out my flaws as proofs that I wont achieve anything

parent called me stupid, incompetent, ignorant, while withholding information that I needed to know in order to complete tasks

parent would change their side of the agreement in crucial moment and then pretend it was obvious from the start

parent stalked me/distrusted me without any reason/invaded my privacy

parent attacked my insecurities and vulnerabilities in any argument

parent forced me into degrading actions while they watched me do it 

parent threatened to leave me

parent accused me regularly of behaving the way they did

parent never acknowledged, praised or approved of my actions

parent always demanded they are right without any proof/explanation

parent insisted that they’re a great parent using financial support as proof

parent insisted that I should be grateful for how good they are to me

parent gaslighted me and tried to make me believe my memories weren’t real if I confronted them with what they did

Neglect

parent didn’t notice I haven’t been eating properly

parent didn’t notice I was sick/didn’t care for me while I was sick

parent didn’t notice I was injured

parent didn’t notice I didn’t have clothes/shoes I needed for school

parent didn’t notice I suffered from trauma 

parent didn’t notice I was anxious and stressed

parent didn’t notice I was depressed

parent didn’t notice I was cutting myself

parent didn’t notice I was suicidal

parent didn’t notice I was being sexually abused

parent didn’t notice I was being bullied

parent failed to get me medical attention when it was needed

parent failed to teach me the very basics of self care

parent didn’t seem to notice any of my needs and feelings except the absolute minimum I required to survive

when I notified them of these things, they denied it, accused me of lying, decided it wasn’t happening and/or blamed me for it

Financial Abuse

parent made me feel ashamed for needing money

parent made me feel like I’m a financial burden to them

parent only gave me minimal money to survive 

parent made sure I never have a decent amount of money on me

parent took the money I earned from me

parent used the money to blackmail me (if you continue this way let’s see who will pay for your bus ticket!)

parent insisted since they “pay for my stuff” they have the right to control my behaviour and actions

parent had enough money for luxury but kept me without anything

parent refused to get my medicine/get me medical attention because it’s too expensive while they got everything for themselves

parent would keep me anxious over if they would pay my expenses or not

parent would make me do as much work for them as possible before they would pay for a necessity

parent kept me in the dark over family finances even when I was of age

parent would make sure I never have enough money to escape them

If you bold more than 5 things, you have been through abuse. For some particular ones, even one true thing on this list means you’ve been badly harmed by your parents. Also this list is not complete, there are many more abusive behaviours not listed here, feel free to add!

“You will always be fond of me.

I represent to you all the sins you never had the courage to commit.”

- Oscar Wilde

It frustrates me so much that I’m not allowed to talk about my trauma’s to anyone from my family. Only because it puts them in bad lighting. But no shit they are being put in bad lighting. They are the reasons i have some of these trauma’s. They should have thought about this before traumatizing me, right? Not my fault that they look bad when I talk about the things they did to me that made me struggling with these trauma’s.

“I don’t know where stand with you. And I don’t know what I mean to you. All I know is every time I think of you, I want to be with you.”

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