Richie, On Stage: So I Know You Guys Are Here To Listen To My Mediocre Stand-up Routine, But I Think

richie, on stage: so i know you guys are here to listen to my mediocre stand-up routine, but i think i've told enough shitty jokes for now that i can move on to something that's definitely gonna be way funnier

richie: [now pulling out his phone] you know those videos where celebrities read mean tweets? and the ones where they read thirst tweets? well, i'm gonna do both of those for you tonight, only they're just tweets from my husband's "secret" twitter account that he thinks i don't know about, like he actually knows how to work a computer after not using the internet for 20 years and understands how to clear search history, log out of an account, or open an incognito tab

richie: i forgive him for these tweets. reason being he made 50% of them wine drunk and 50% of them after i fucked him so good that he couldn't form proper sentences for 2 hours. i love you, eds-baby

richie, clearing his throat: "richie w. tozier-" i like the use of my middle initial. very formal. "-is the ugliest bitch i have ever seen. i hate how big and hairy he is and how pretty his eyes are. i hope he dies"

richie: "if you think richie tozier is funny you have major brain damage. i do too but mine is sexy"

richie: "sometimes richie grabs a glass from the top shelf and his arm looks big strong and i don't"

richie: that's the end of that tweet. there is no further elaboration than "i don't." not sure what he doesn't

richie: "i don't fucking get memes until i look them up. richie called me submissive and breedable and i had to call three friends until one explained it to me. tough talk for someone in dick-sucking distance. are you gonna dom and breed me then, bitch?? i'm fucking waiting. coward"

richie: i think the funniest part of these tweets is that eddie thinks people don't know this is him, like i don't only exclusively talk about how much i love my feral little twink of a husband. i'll read you guys one more as a send off

richie: "richie went all the way back to our shithole hometown to buy me my favorite ice cream for our anniversary. i love him and that's sweet, but apparently i never told him i genuinely hate this flavor of ice cream. i only ever ate it because i didn't have money to buy another flavor after he bought me this one and i thought it would be a waste to NOT lick it as suggestively as possible to try and give him a boner"