Love How The Official Splatoon Lore Is Just Like “this Song Slaps So Fucking Hard That Even Our Mortal

The next time someone rudely asks me “so… what are you?” as a way of trying to figure out my race, I’m gonna answer as nervously as possible with “hahah ahah ahaha… human? liKE YOU?” and then walk about 3 feet away from them before stage whispering into my watch “I fear the humans are beginning to catch on. I believe it’s now time to proceed with Plan E.”

finish this sentence: im gonna f

the real victim in Pride and Prejudice is Georgiana Darcy, bc u know her brother spent at least two weeks lying around in his Regency Jammies eating Benjamin and Jerrold’s out of ye olde carton feeling sorry for himself bc his crush not only didn’t like him back but tore him to shreds in the process and Georgie had to deal with that and then said crush shows up at their HOUSE and she has to live w both of them probably stealing lovelorn yearning glances at each other the whole damn day while knowing if she even SUGGESTS to her brother that maybe perhaps his crush doesn’t hate his entire guts anymore he’ll just be all tragic about it bc “you don’t KNOW her Georgiana she dESPISES me and i DESERVE it”

me as a prosecutor: final question- what is the defendant’s zodiac sign?

the defendant: i’m a scorpio

me, giving a smug smile in victory to the defending lawyer who quietly curses and bangs his fist on the table in anger: no further questions your honor 

Do I date tall people???? Just so they can always see me from my best angle?????? Or is that just a bonus for them?????

please watch this john mulaney bit from snl of him complaining about how computers ask us if we are robots it is hilarious 10/10 would recommend

https://www.instagram.com/p/Bl2_0NolZuP/

You had ONE job!

Extreme Winds Cause a Waterfall in England to Blow Upward

Hikers exploring England’s Derbyshire Peak District earlier this week stumbled onto a rare phenomenon caused by extreme winds. The River Downfall, a 30-meter (98 foot) waterfall was blown back almost vertically by a powerful updraft, making it seem as if the waterfall was simply flowing into nothing.