“Nice Of Her To Invite Us Over For A Picnic, Eh Luigi?”

Aging Reference Sheet by *Kibbitzer

You should try this exercise! Start from the middle-aged man! it’s easier! it’s really interesting and perfect to undertstand your skills!

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Probably Bullshit But Still A Little Scary: Ethan Is Claiming That His Super Soaker Is Filled With Pee

Tensions are rising over in Brian’s backyard, and you better believe that it’s all thanks to the king of big talk himself, Ethan Hutchinson. Ethan just started blasting everyone with a Super Soaker and is claiming that it’s filled with piss, even though it’s probably not—but still, it’s impossible to be 100 percent sure.

Everyone knows Ethan is full of shit, but at the same time, he’s kind of nuts, so it’s tough to put something like this past him.

It was all smooth sailing over at Brian’s until around 5 o’clock, when Ethan got home from wrestling practice and walked the half block to Brian’s with Super Soaker in hand, making a beeline to the trampoline everyone was hanging out on. This maestro of bullshit wasted no time in spraying everyone with the water gun, laughing the whole time and snorting out how everyone should be so skeeved because they just got shot with his pee. Logan was the first one to tell him he’s a goddamn liar, but Ethan quickly rebutted with a bogus story about how wrestlers need to drink a ton of water so he pees in his Super Soaker sometimes, which is such a bad lie but also sounds like it could kind of makes sense, so it’s hard to know.

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lmao 'warm almond milk'. also wanna hear ur take why booty judge is still in this thing like what the fuck ?? ? how n why

Well, the idea was always that he could find an angle in two main areas: 

1) He’s a moderate, but he’s younger and more significantly more gay than Joe Biden. I don’t 100% buy that being gay is an advantage, but there’s a segment of the party (myself included) that does see historic value in not nominating another old straight white male. In that sense, he’s got a lot of the same advantages as Amy Klobuchar (younger, diverse-er, moderate-er). But he’s also got #2…

2) He can (supposedly) win the Rust Belt states Trump flipped in 2016. There’s a number of counties in the Midwest that went blue for Obama in 2008 and 2012, and then went red for Trump in 2016. Is it because they’re fucking idiots? Yes. But deeper, it’s because they felt alienated by a party they perceived as becoming further left than they were comfortable with. Klobuchar’s Midwestern too, but unfortunately for her, she’s a woman. Now, Warren’s a woman too, but there’s only two progressives: her and Bernie. Klobuchar’s one of three moderates, and she had some less than stellar debate performances.

Going into Iowa, this was a proving ground for both Pete and Klobuchar on their main sales pitch: “I can win the Midwest.” Joe’s campaign has considered Iowa a loss for weeks (although I don’t think they were counting on a fourth place finish), so Amy and Pete duked it out for moderate votes in Iowa because they knew their entire candidacy over the next few weeks depended on them proving they can win states like Iowa.

So why’s Pete still in? Purely to win Iowa. That was what he had to do. And now that he’s won it, Biden’s finished fourth, and Klobuchar couldn’t make in-roads, you’ve got to wonder how Joe looks as a frontrunner to the rest of the Democratic Party, the big money donors, and to the average voter. 

Biden has also boasted that he can win the Midwest, but only one guy won it yesterday, and that was Pete Buttigieg. 

Before this, he was polling nationally in fourth place, I think. But now that he’s proven he can win Iowa, and Biden slipped so far down, I don’t think it’s out of the realm of possibility that some of Biden’s supporters and some of Klobuchar’s supporters found their way to Buttigieg’s website today to see what he’s all about.

And don’t forget about Yang. I think there’s this idea that Yang supporters will go to Bernie, but I’m not so sure. Yang’s run on a platform of outside politics, but with a bigger emphasis on youth and less of an emphasis on populism. I think some Yang folks would drift over to Buttigieg. 

I’d really watch Buttigieg in the next debate if you’re curious about why he’s still in this. The guy is rock solid. It’s as if he knows the questions before they’re asked.

Long story short, he stayed in with the thought that if he could just have a strong showing in Iowa, he could garner enough support to make a legitimate showing nationally. And he didn’t just have a strong showing, he won the damn thing.

!!

“Ah, Perry the platypus!”

“What an unexpected -“

“WAIT, WAIT, WAIT!”

“You’re trapped!”

“By societal convention!”

“Look! We’re in a fine dining environment. Everyone knows not to throw a scene in a fancy restaurant!”

“That’s right. You’re trapped. Sit down.”