I May Not Be That Funny Or Athletic Or Good Looking Or Smart Or Talented I Forgot Where I Was Going With

fun fact: the reason that the plural of goose is geese but the plural of moose is not meese is because goose derives from an ancient germanic word undergoing strong declension, in the pattern of foot/feet and tooth/teeth, wherein oo is mutated to ee. however ‘moose’ is a native american word added to the english lexicon only ~400 years ago, and lacks the etymological reason to be pluralized in that way.

“Can I touch your butt” in Elvish.

The best part about being in law school is knowing all the laws. 

I slowly rolled down my window as the cop approached, careful to keep my hands where he could see them on the steering wheel. 

“Registration and license,” the officer commanded. 

As I made my way to the glove box, all I could think about was how people in arid areas of the United States probably get less utility out of their glove box because they never really need to store gloves in there for colder seasons, unless, of course, their use of gloves doesn’t go hand-in-hand with the climate, but rather for gripping or style reasons. 

I handed the documents to him in silence, careful to scowl at the officer just enough for him to notice but not enough for him to get angry enough to scowl back.  I had won the scowl-off.

“Do you know how fast you were going?” the policeman asked, leaning down to peer into my mysterious dark green eyes.

I breathed in deeply, filling my lungs to the brim with O2 and car air freshener.  This was my moment. 

“No person shall be held to answer for a capital, or otherwise infamous crime, unless on a presentment or indictment of a Grand Jury, except in cases arising in the land or naval forces, or in the Militia, when in actual service in time of War or public danger; nor shall any person be subject for the same offence to be twice put in jeopardy of life or limb; nor shall be compelled in any criminal case to be a witness against himself, nor be deprived of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor shall private property be taken for public use, without just compensation.  The Fifth Amendment to the United States Constitution, passed by Congress on September 25, 1789 A.D.”

He let me off with a speeding ticket.

me

All of my friends are fun, talented, cutie-patooties, and I’m just here like

Oh, Ann.

Taiwanese Pet Groomers Give Haircuts to Small Dogs to Make Their Heads Appear Perfectly Square or Round

I’ve been laughing at this for quite a long time now