Clint: Sorry I Took So Long, I Broke Down On The Way Here.

Mr Harrington at decathlon: You’re all wonderful people so I don’t think any of you have ever broken another person’s bones before

Peter and MJ look at each: About that...

Harrington: Okay, I kinda expected MJ but Peter?! Why are you breaking people’s bones?

Peter: Cause fighting non lethally is hard without breaking bones. I either break bones or I kill them

Harrington having a panic attack: Okay. Okay. This is normal. Trauma forces people to make bad choices.

MJ: I’m proud of you loser.

Flash: whatthefuckwhatthefuck

"Aim high. You may still miss the target but at least you won't shoot your foot off."

- Clint Barton

Bucky: Nice hands, Nat.

Nat: Thanks?

Bucky: But they'd look better around my-

Sam: BIBLE! WRAPPED AROUND THE BIBLE! PRAISE RHE LORD JESUS! AMEN!

Tony: I love saying fuck me because it can either be sexual or self-loathing and those are two things that describe me perfectly.

I have one chapter posted and about a dozen in working progress. It’s called Genetic Soup.

P.s I know it’s a stupid name. Think of any good ones and send them to me.

The spider that bit Peter Parker’s was from a cross-species genetics lab right? Think of the possibilities for fanfiction and headcanons.

P.S. I’m starting an au oneshot book about this. It doesn’t exist yet though. It will be on Wattpad because I can’t find my drafts on Tumblr ever. @adopted_by_hestia is the account

Peter, randomly quoting the internet: Knowledge is knowing that tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in fruit salad.

Tony, sleep deprived: That makes ketchup a smoothie.

Clint, for once actually knowing something: Too much sugar! It’s actually soda.

Natasha, exasperated and tired of everyone’s shit: Common sense is knowing that ketchup is neither a smoothie or a soda. It’s also knowing not to piss off an assassin for something as foolish as this at two in the morning.

Loki: Mental illnesses are like Pokémon cards.

Thor: In what way?

Loki: I collect them for fun.

Peter: Loki! Violence isn’t the answer

Loki: I’m a god. Therefore I have the authority to say it is.

Peter: *pauses* Can’t argue with that logic

Tony: oh no

This has been queued for 357 days. Worth the wait

Avengers play Cards Against Humanity

Black Card: _____ that's how I want to die

Tony: Alcoholism

Steve: Doing the right thing

Peter: Vigilante justice

Natasha: Pretending to be one of the guys but actually being the spider god

Bruce: Science

Clint: The biggest blackest dick

Thor: Powerful thighs

Harley: Poor life choices

Scott: A fully dressed female video game character

Shuri: The entire internet

Hope: Multiple stab wounds

Bucky: The Great Depression

Sam: A perfectly cylindrical vagina

T'challa: Depression

Pepper: Dying

Rhodey: Being black

Wanda: Being a motherfucking sorcerer

Loki as Czar: '...Being a motherfucking sorcerer, that's how I want to die.'... Preach.