Rodrigo A. Branco

Now that the leaves are changing, we're officially in spooky season. And so I gotta ask, why can't vampires just eat blood in media? No, they have to act like they're giving carotid fellatio, wasting more than they're actually consuming, drenching everything from jaw to bellybutton and rubbing their nipples they're so excited to eat.

I'd think after the first decade or so it would be commonplace to eat blood as a vampire. I've had steak so good it was sublime, but never did I want to roll around with it on the table, rubbing it against my naked flesh to become one with my dinner.

I dunno why, but since around 2007 or so, I'm not quite sure, the mark of a modern horror movie is somebody vomiting. Usually within the first act, quite violently and with all the sound effects.

If you ever want hilarity in your life, watch a couple of chiweenies tear off hell bent for leather to try and murder a deer. And the look of sheer terror on the deer's face as Death approaches yipping at ankle height.

It's time for a drastic change in politics. We need more transparency and honesty in our parties.

I propose a new party, the Party of the Dark Star. There will be weird rituals, orgiastic caucusing, and the party motto will be "Blood for the Blood God".

Ch😁

All's groovy when the weather is nice and the cabin is comfy. Rainstorms and tea, sunny days in the hammock, idyll and pleasantry. There are a few things that you need to know, though, in order to get by:

You will need a knife. All of the time, especially when you don't have one on you. It needs to be sharp, and sturdy, and you need to be willing to use it. Tactical knives are poo for this, as are expensive ones. Find one for your pocket or belt, one you can pull a thorn with or cut an errant root.

Firewood comes by the rick or cord. Ricks can also be called face cords. A full cord or bush cord is a volume of well stacked firewood, four foot high and across, and eight feet deep. A rick is a single row four foot high and eight feet deep. Split firewood is 12-16 inches long, no bigger than three-five inches in diameter. If you can find someone who delivers, great. If you can find someone that stacks the delivery, latch on quickly and get some wood. You're going to need at least a cord for the winter, probably two, maybe more if it's really cold.

Invest in good slippers. When you wake up in the morning, or get up in the middle of the night, and the fire is down, your feet will thank you.

Have a pantry with preserved food, at least enough for everyone in the house for a week. It can be canned or jarred or dry, monotonous or varied, but if you get snowed in and can't get to the market, you can at least eat something.

The forest is going to actively take the land back. You're now locked in eternal battle with Queen Anne's Lace and blackberry canes.

Gojira at the Olympics put up the Bat Signal for culture vultures that forgot metal music exists. Well, that'll because they have the retention of a goldfish, but that's beside the point. Happened recently before that with Stranger Things and Master of Puppets. This irks me as apparently it's enough to attract their attention, and they're stirring as evidenced by their objections to Gojira's lyrical content and then the subsequent turn onto Cannibal Corpse.

First off, lemme say "get bent tourist" and get that out of the way.

Secondly, Cannibal Corpse has been around since 1988. They're a horror movie with growled vocals and blast beats. They were in Ace Ventura:Pet Detective with the original vocalist. They're not just going to up and go away because some noob wieners start flinging words like problematic around.

That's the wonderful thing about metal, all the weird little sub genres. If bands like Cannibal Corpse, Ghoul, Circle of Dead Children or Dying Fetus are worrisome to you, you can go bugger off and listen to DragonForce elsewhere. Don't harsh another metalhead's mellow, maaaaaan.

You ever wonder if fem Vulcans would make the ultimate in mommy doms?

So found another bit of hilarious irony in the universe.

FORHERS: a website dedicated to women's health, offering psych meds for depression and anxiety, contact with mental health resources, prescription skin medication, and birth control options

HIMS: A website with boner pills and hair replacement.