Finding BTS Was Really The First Time In My Entire Life That I Let Go Of The Idea That I Needed A Romantic

Finding BTS was really the first time in my entire life that I let go of the idea that I needed a romantic partner as motivation. I suddenly felt like I had a reason to live outside of the idea of finding one person. I could experience magic and romance and love and self love and hope and belonging with them, with ARMY. It was like coming home and feeling like I could let go and breathe again. I didn’t have to constantly strive and carry guilt around for not doing all the things I was supposed to be doing. It didn’t matter how much I messed up or what I didn’t do that day or what kind of image I gave to people. I knew who I was when it came to BTS and ARMY, the very best side of myself, and that was my driving force for every day of my life as a Baby ARMY. I’ve lost that now. But this is the first time I remembered what that felt like in a long time. I had so much self-belief back then that didn’t come from the idea of romantic love or from any personal achievement. It wasn’t tied to my performance or earthly identity. It came from what I believed in, what I cared about and what was inside my heart.

I think I need to find that again. I need to allow myself to believe that what’s inside my heart matters. Even when I have a billion pressing responsibilities, even when I have so many people’s opinions and judgments in my head. It’s okay to to listen to my heart even when it feels like I need to be sensible and mature and good enough as an adult. What’s inside my heart matters.

Burt Hummel’s speech touched me so much today. I can’t believe it’s taken me 14 years to properly _hear_ that. I matter. What’s inside my heart matters. How I feel matters. I don’t have to keep throwing myself around from person to person, responsibility to responsibility, chore to chore. I am a person with feelings.

Even if I feel like a teenager, I’m going to write on tumblr again. I’m not disciplined enough to write consistently in a private journal, so the teenage thrill of writing on a tumblr blog again will hopefully draw me back to listening to what’s inside my heart.