Actually. What Am I Writing. Why.

the backlight doesn't show up well in places (hm go figure, black backlighting and also it's bright outside) but here's the aesthetic!

Programmed like so:

I still think it turned out neat in the end. (And the black part is still backlit, interestingly enough, so when it *is* dark I can still see my keyboard.)

me and my ace backlit keyboard 🟪🟣💜🖤⚫♣️♠️🟪◾◼️▪️✒️🖤🩶🤍💜▫️◻️◽🎵🎶⚪⬜🔳🪨🌫️🌪️🪽🎹⌨️💿☂️🌂⛓️📎🖇️📓📄✉️🔮🎵🎶🎼➰

🎼🌫️◻️🎵♣️🖇️🪽🔮📓💿📄☂️

...

he was also Abu in all three Aladdin movies and probably every Aladdin spinoff series or video game to ever exist

posts that make you go "wait why was Abu in Hercules"

Guess who found the professor

professors whenever there's a mistake in their powerpoint: yeah I got these slides from another professor

guys am. am I winning at coding yet .

I would also like to introduce the concept of touch ARFID. You finally get out of touch starvation but actually it's only okay if it's like. One person specifically. Perhaps two, or five, but any person not on your safe touch list and you will get nauseous, you will get so revoltingly sick, and you know you have to expand your palate and just "not be bothered" by the occasional shoulder tap of an unsafe touch person because normal people are fine with it why can't you be? but it makes you so violently sick to your stomach and you curl up and do anything to make that touch go away, it wasn't meant to affect you but here you are

It took you so long to get accustomed to each new person you integrated into your safe persons list. It was agonizing at first but it was something you were willing to do because of all you'd been through together, the two of you, and you trust them to the end of the earth, and over time their touch became as dear to you as their presence.

But any of these other "normal" people? Forget it

touch-starvation needs to be written with emphasis on the starving part. you are hungry to be touched. so hungry that even the very taste of it makes you nauseous. it has been long since anything has ever touched you, ever fed you - that your body has grown more used to that gnawing emptiness more than anything else. it's better for you to be held, to eat but it makes you sick to try. you know

life would be so much better if I had lettuce! but also that's okay :) just glad I have something to eat tbh

doing something I hate (making rice) so I can do something I love (delaying my inevitable demise)

Important rules/tips I've learned as an adult that helped with anxiety

If people are mad at you, it's their responsibility to tell you, not your responsibility to guess

If they're mad at you in secret anyways, they're the ones in the wrong, not you

If people don't like what you're doing, it's their responsibility to tell you

If they say it's fine when it's really not, they're the ones in the wrong, not you

People are allowed to be wrong about you

If they are wrong about you, wait for them to bring it up, because if you try to, you will inevitably overcorrect

Some people are committed to misunderstanding you. You will not win arguments against them. Yes, even if you explain your point of view. They do not care. Drop it

The worst thing that will happen from a first-time offense is being told not to do it again. Maybe with a replacement if you broke something

You can improve relationships and gauge willingness to talk to you by giving compliments. It's like a daily log-in bonus and nobody thinks twice about it

Most things are better after you sleep on them

Most things are better after you have a meal

Most things are better after you shower

Your brain makes up consequences that are irrational. If the worst DOES come to pass and someone acts like they do in your head, they are overreacting, and you are entitled to say "what the fuck"

If your chest hurts after you feel like you've made a social error, that's called rejection-sensitive dysphoria. It means your anxiety is so bad that it's causing you physical pain, which is a good indicator that you're overreacting. Tense yourself, hold it for 20 seconds, let it go, then find a distraction

If you're suddenly angry at someone after you feel like you made a social error, that's also rejection-sensitive dysphoria. You are going to feel annoyed about it for awhile, but being genuinely pissed off is your anxiety trying to find something to blame to take the responsibility off your shoulders, and getting scared because it can't justify itself. Deep breaths, ask yourself how much you ACTUALLY want to be angry at that person, then find a distraction

"Sour grapes" is more healthy for you than stewing. Deciding you don't like someone who's perpetually annoyed with you, won't talk to you, etc. makes letting go of anxiety over them easier

If people don't like you, they will find reasons to be annoyed with you when they otherwise wouldn't. If people do like you, they will find reasons NOT to be annoyed with you when they otherwise would. People do not ping-pong between the two

You DO have to make a conscious choice not to think about something. If you're having trouble circling back to it, say out loud that you're done thinking about it and why. Then find a distraction

When you're upset, part of you is going to want to make false bids for attention (suddenly texting differently, heavy sighs, etc. but when someone asks you about it, you tell them it's nothing). Do not listen to it. You gain nothing from it except more misery

People like to help people they care about. It makes them feel good about themselves

If you think you're insufferable for needing help, see above. Yes, really. They get a serotonin kick from it

If you think you're insufferable for mannerisms you have, you either have to consciously choose not to do them, or accept that they're part of the package that comes with you. Being apologetic about existing does nothing except make you more miserable

If you do things you don't like when you feel meh about it, it makes it easier to do them when you hate it

If you avoid things you don't like when you feel meh about it, it reinforces and magnifies how bad it feels when you hate it

Seriously. Read those last two points again. If you can make yourself make a phone call when you've got nothing to lose, you will slowly lose that panic you get when you have to make a phone call you haven't prepared for. You do have to CONSCIOUSLY take that step

Hobbies that make you care for something get rid of that nagging feeling that you're not doing enough. Go grow some rosemary

If you don't engage with your hobbies regularly, you will feel miserable, and anxiety will spike

Hobbies are things that give you a bit of happiness. They do not have to be organized or named to do that. Go be creative in something. Play with coins. Make up lists. Start a new WIP

No one cares what you look like

If people point out things they don't like about how you look unprompted, they are being rude. You are entitled to say "what the fuck"

People who like you will find you pretty to some degree. Minor things about your appearance go completely unnoticed. Literally, scars and dots and blemishes do not register to someone who likes your company

You looking at yourself in the mirror is 10x more closely than anyone is going to look at you

If you're anxious about your body type, and you're creatively inclined, make/write an oc with that same shape. Give them nice things and make other characters love them. Put them on adventures. You'll start to see yourself in the mirror more kindly

You care about wording and perfect lines/colors way more than anyone who views your work ever will

Sometimes when you're upset, you're going to feel like not eating. Do not do that. Not eating makes you more miserable

Same with things you normally enjoy. Denying yourself helps no one. You are punishing yourself for being sad. Stop it

Both of these will take conscious decision to break the habit of. Make yourself do it anyways, and it will slowly get easier

And again, to reiterate: If someone is mad at you, it is THEIR responsibility to tell you, not your responsibility to guess

I was actually explaining this to a friend like "imagine things you have to do are staircases. Sometimes they just have like. So many steps. And sometimes I can get up the stairs super easy but sometimes they are really long staircases and I don't have the energy to do more than one thing because each staircase is so long and I don't know which one to pick because they both need to get done but I already know I can only pick one, tops" and he wordlessly pulled out this post

having one of those executive function days where everything is too many steps

Long post time!

I once was on a medication that worked rather well for what I needed but unfortunately gave me unusual vivid dreams every night. For your amusement (and because this vent is long-awaited), I am compiling a list of the types of dreams I had and their ratings!:

Dreams where I drive: 4/10. Not the usual car crash dreams, which tbh are about a 6/10 because they're kind of terror-inducing in a rollercoaster way. These driving dreams, however, are normal driving stints, which means I often forget in my waking hours which memory of parking the car was the actual place I parked my car and which ones were dreams. >:(

Dreams with my significant other: 6.5/10. Easy to tell they're not real, yet still enjoyable, and usually involving other people s/o hasn't interacted with, so I get to see some new character interactions.

Dreams that are wholly focused on dream!me trying and failing to fall asleep: 2.5/10. Those suck. It kind of just makes my waking hours of falling asleep even worse, and leaves me pretty frustrated the next day.

Dreams where I am inexplicably in random, mundane places: 3.5/10. The problem with these is that they're fairly unsettling, and they stay with me a while, leading to some weird deja vu of "I've been here" when it was in fact a very clear dream I had weeks ago.

Dreams that splice in weird bits of trauma: 1/10. Shut up. This literally isn't relevant anymore and you have no reason to be bringing this up and dragging other innocent parties (random people in my dreams) into this.

Dreams that take a week or longer in a single night: 5/10. You get trapped in there and watch days pass, but usually if I'm having one of those dreams the location ain't bad. Brain has to sustain something for a week, after all. It very often gets overwhelming toward the end of the week, which might push it to a lower rating, but the locations generally being optimistic push it up a rating, so it balances out. The curse here is that I remember a week that never happened.

Dreams that are educational: 5.5/10. Pretty random, but not usually haunting, so that's a bonus. I could probably write an encyclopedia of absolute gibberish from the things I've learned from my dreams. They make sense, in a weird way, but some of the diagrams feel AI-generated? Even though it's in my head? And some of the concepts, too. Legit I have read textbook chapters in my head of knowledge that either I didn't know or isn't real, or both. (Usually the latter.)

Dreams that just tell me stuff that happened recently in real life: 4/10. There's almost always a negative tint and it's like, bro, why are you telling me this, I was there, I lived it this afternoon. And then my concept of what actually happened is messed up the following days, weeks, whatever.

I might come back to this and update it if I remember more types of dreams I've had. Or if I look in my notes app tbh. But anyway, having vivid dreams every night that haunt your waking life are not normal, so if you were wondering about yourself, you might want to check on that with a medical person, especially if it's impacting your memory or how rested you are each day. I had a long time being hesitant/resistant to call them "nightmares," because most of the time it wasn't scary monster or hopeless scenarios where I end up dying or worse, but the definition of nightmares isn't as rigid and black-and-white as we thought as kids. Bad dreams? Unsettling dreams? Dreams that bother you at all? Those are nightmares. It's not childish, and it is not something you need to live with.

keep a smol piano under my pillow for the 🎹Piano Man™️🎹

keep a little mail under my pillow for the 🎵mailmannn🎵