4/4/2021

I just came from outside. It's raining, the garden looks peaceful dressed in the gentle tones of green.

I feel the raindrops on my face, my back, my hands while I'm picking strawberries.

Things are not perfect but this moment is great and so so so grounding.

Aesthetics is not pointless. Everything becomes bearable, even enjoyable, if you can look at the aesthetics behind it. Cultivate that magical power, you will become indestructible.

Just reread the song of achilles, haven’t stopped thinking about Patroclus committing Achilles to memory in the crystal cave with “Achilles' eyes were bright in the firelight, his face drawn sharply by the flickering shadows. I would know it in dark or disguise, I told myself. I would know it even in madness,” and later when Achilles is whisked to Scyros and Patroclus crosses the sea to find him and recognizes Achilles among the dancers and thinks to himself “Had she really thought I would not know him? I could recognize him by touch alone, by smell; I would know him blind, by the way his breaths came and his feet struck the earth. I would know him in death, at the end of the world,” and when the Greek army finally arrives in Troy, Patroclus admires the walled city from a distance and “Later, I would see those walls up close, their sharp squared stones perfectly cut and fitted against each other, the work of the god Apollo, it was said. And I would wonder at them at how, ever, the city could be taken. For they were too high for siege towers, and too strong for catapults, and no sane person would ever try to climb their sheer, divinely smoothed face,” and a decade later he’s driven to that very act of madness by grief and violent desperation “I leap from the chariot and run to the walls. My fingers find slight hollows in the stone, like blind eye-sockets. Climb. My feet seek infinitesimal chips in the god-cut rocks. I am not graceful, but scrabbling, my hands clawing against the stone before they cling. Yet I am climbing,” and when Patroclus proves so fearsome that Apollo is forced to intervene and send Patroclus to his death, “The last thing I think is: Achilles,” and after the war when he finally joins Achilles in the underworld, “In the darkness, two shadows, reaching through the hopeless, heavy dusk. Their hands meet, and light spills in a flood like a hundred golden urns pouring out of the sun,” and how Patroclus kept his promise to recognize Achilles in death, in madness, in darkness, at the end of the world.

My final thesis is finally coming together. It's raining here a lot and I feel in peace with my deadline... at least for this moment.

sometimes making tea is less about drinking it and more about desperately hoping to achieve the life of a ghibli character

My never-changing dark circles: "Our time has come!"

Czech

Cas: „Vždy jsem přemýšlel, od toho, co jsem na sebe vzal to břemeno, tu kletbu, přemýšlel jsem, co by to mohlo být, jak… jak by mé pravé štěstí mohlo vůbec vypadat. Nikdy jsem nenašel odpověď. Protože ta jediná věc, kterou chci… je věc, o níž vím, že ji nikdy nemohu mít. Ale myslím, že vím… myslím, že teď už vím. Štěstí se nenachází ve vlastnění. Je v bytí a ve vyřčení věcí.“

Dean: „O čem to mluvíš?“

Cas: „Já vím, já vím, jak vidíš sám sebe, Deane. Vidíš se stejně, jako tě vidí naši nepřátelé. Jsi destruktivní a jsi zlostný a jsi zlomený. Jsi… jsi ‚tátův ztupený nástroj.‘ A myslíš si, že nenávist a hněv je to… že to tě pohání. Že to jsi ty. Ale nejsi. A každý, kdo tě zná, to vidí. Všechno, co jsi udělal, to dobré i to špatné, jsi udělal z lásky. Vychoval jsi svého malého bratra z lásky. Bojoval jsi za celý tento svět z lásky. Takový jsi. Jsi ten nejstarostlivější muž na Zemi. Jsi ten nejobětavější, nejvíce milující člověk, kterého kdy poznám. Víš, od té chvíle, kdy jsme se potkali, kdy jsem tě vytáhnul z Pekla, jsi mě změnil. Protože ses staral, staral jsem se taky. Záleželo mi na tobě. Záleželo mi na Samovi. Záleželo mi na Jackovi. Záleželo mi na celém světě, jen kvůli tobě. Změnil jsi mě, Deane.“

Dean: „Proč mi to zní jako loučení?“

Cas: „Protože je. Miluju tě.“

Dean: „Nedělej to, Casi… Casi.“

Cas: „Sbohem, Deane.“

I invite to all my friends to reblog Castiel's beautiful declaration of love and translate it into your languages. Because is a gift for our fandom. I will start it now.

English:

Cas: “I always wondered, ever since I took that that burden, that curse, I wondered what it could be, what...what my true happiness could even look like. I never found an answer. Because the one thing I want...it's something I know I can't have. But I think i know...I think I know now. Happiness isn't in the having. It's in just being. It's in just saying it.”

Dean: “What are you talking about, man?”

Cas: “I know. I know how you see yourself, Dean. You see yourself the same way our enemies see you. You're destructive and you're angry and you're broken. You're...you're 'Daddy's Blunt Instrument.' And you think hate and anger, that's...that's what drives you. That's who you are. It's not. And everyone who knows you sees it. Everything you have ever done, the good and the bad, you have done for love.You raised your little brother for love. You fought for this whole world for love. That is who you are. You're the most caring man on Earth. You are the most selfless, loving human being I will ever know. You know, ever since we met and ever since I pulled you out of Hell, knowing you has changed me. Because you cared, I cared. I cared about you. I cared about Sam. I cared about Jack. I cared about the whole world because of you. You changed me, Dean.”

Dean: “Why does this sound like a goodbye?”

Cas: “Because it is. I love you.”

Dean: “Don't do this, Cas...Cas.”

Cas: “Goodbye, Dean.”

Spanish

Cas: “Siempre me pregunté, desde que tomé esa carga, esa maldición, me preguntaba qué podría ser, cómo ... cómo podría verse mi verdadera felicidad. Nunca encontré una respuesta. Porque lo único que quiero ... es algo que sé que no puedo tener. Pero creo que lo sé ... Creo que lo sé ahora. La felicidad no está en tener. Está solo en ser. Es simplemente decirlo ".

Dean: ¿Qué estás diciendo, amigo?

Cas: “Lo sé. Sé cómo te ves a ti mismo, Dean. Te ves a ti mismo de la misma manera que te ven nuestros enemigos. Eres destructivo y estás enojado y roto. Eres ... eres el 'Instrumento contundente de papá'. Y piensas en el odio y la ira, eso es ... eso es lo que te impulsa. Eso es lo que eres. No es. Y todo el que te conoce lo ve. Todo lo que has hecho, lo bueno y lo malo, lo has hecho por amor. Criaste a tu hermano pequeño por amor. Luchaste por todo este mundo por amor. Eso es lo que eres. Eres el hombre más cariñoso de la Tierra. Eres el ser humano más desinteresado y amoroso que jamás conoceré. Sabes, desde que nos conocimos y desde que te saqué del infierno, saber que me has cambiado. Porque a ti te importaba, a mí me importaba. Me preocupo por ti Me preocupaba Sam. Me preocupaba por Jack. Me preocupé por todo el mundo por ti. Me cambiaste, Dean ".

Dean: ¿Por qué suena esto como un adiós?

Cas: Porque lo es. Te amo.

Dean: No hagas esto, Cas… Cas…

Cas: Adiós Dean.

////

How are people able to love each other romantically so much? How are they able to fall in love since they are in kindergarten? How are they able to find humans that they want to hold and touch and kiss on a regular basis and how they don't think about being somewhere else while doing so... How? How? How...

Is everyone just pretending? Is it that... at some point, you just stop looking? Is it that you settle? Is it that you stop hoping for a great love and you let it go? Do you love the people that you fall asleep next to? How does it look like? How does it feel like?

Is it just luck...

Are some people conditioned to want, to yearn, to wish with no place to release theyre heart? Is wanting really everything there is for some?

#cinematic parallels 

Today I saw a girl from my balcony. There was a little creature on the pavement. I don't know what it was, maybe a frog or a lizard. She stopped, watched the creature for five minutes or more, until it disappeared in the safety of grass. I like girls so much.