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Cracktheories About the Vanessaverse

Last year, @strange-aeons released a YouTube video about what she calls the Vanessaverse: the seemingly half-intentional alternate reality in which Netflix's Vanessa Hudgens Christmas movies are set. It is a deeply hilarious and fascinating video and you should watch it, if for no other reason that this long post will not make much sense otherwise.

Because, you see, I've been crack-theorizing about the Vanessaverse, and what I've come up with feels sound enough to share, at least on Tumblr.

I have two separate cracktheories, so let's establish some terminology and some common elements, first.

The Vanessaverse differs from our own in that much of Eastern Europe is controlled by an incredibly powerful, reality-warping entity that I call the Eldritch Master of Secular Christmas, or EMOSC for short. Who or what this entity is, and what its purpose is, differs between cracktheories. I call EMOSC's domain the Christmas Realm.

The Christmas Realm extends across southeastern Europe and possibly parts of western Asia. Outside this area, EMOSC's power to warp reality is severely limited. This is why Scotland and the US are (relatively) similar to the way they are in the real world. Montenero is a special case, it seems: an independent country on the fringe of EMOSC's influence, highly analogous to real-life Montenegro, and the location of choice for diplomats from the Vatican, or the rest of the world, to interact with EMOSC.

Native subjects of the Christmas Realm, however, and those around them, may be influenced by EMOSC wherever they are. This is one explanation for why seemingly unaffiliated protagonists and other characters wind up experiencing effects and narratives that should only occur within the Christmas Realm (but that commonly occur in highly sentimental straight-to-video movies). It's possible that EMOSC is able to psychically influence people whose ancestors came from the Christmas Realm, and those close to them.

So much for commonality. Let's get into the individual cracktheories about what's actually going on in these narratives.

Cracktheory 1: The characters of the Gaffer and the Crone are both aspects of the Eldritch Master of Secular Christmas, which manipulates its subjects according to strange and inscrutable whims, mostly revolving around matchmaking and the concept of secularized Christmas. Within the Christmas Realm, it is considered taboo to speak of Them or Their powers. Instead, one should pretend that events are entirely ordinary. It's possible that the Gaffer and the Crone are able to alter people's perceptions, so that they don't notice any contradictions. The latter would explain how the Gaffer and the Crone are able to create bizarre secular-Christmas situations ouside the Christmas Realm.

This version of EMOSC is fairly benign, actually, at least as far as we know. It seems to be managing Its own affairs, for the most part, occasionally calling a child of former subjects home, but little more. It seems to just like to mash the action figures together and make everything Christmassy.

In this theory, the self-referential Netflix Christmas movies are "based on a true story" or actually dramatized documentaries of some kind, made for an audience interested in EMOSC, but they respectfully obey the Christmas Realm's taboo and pretend EMOSC doesn't exist.

Cracktheory 2: EMOSC is, in fact, Vanessa Hudgens: a vast polydimensional, chrono-dynamic entity that can manifest a possibly infinite number of avatars of itself into multiple timelines broadly similar to our own. This is a more malevolent EMOSC, obsessed with stage-managing complex, WandaVision-like scenarios for its avatars and whoever catches its attention. It is even able to manifest avatars outside the Christmas Realm, although sometimes they end up looking a little less like EMOSC's chosen appearance as a human. The power and selfishness this implies makes this version of EMOSC seem like an incredibly dangerous entity to cross.

In this theory, the Gaffer and the Crone are avatars of a far older and more benevolent polydimensional entity, that is trying to contain Vanessa Hudgens and limit the damage It can cause to the Multiverse. This entity can't face EMOSC direcly, and has to resort to subterfuge and redirection in order to keep itself safe while still mitigating EMOSC's machinations. It seems to only be able to manifest one avatar at a time, although understanding how these entities interact with linear time is difficult for baseline humans.

Also in this theory, the self-referential Netflix Christmas movies are produced directly by EMOSC Itself, in furtherance of Its goals. They may actually have some sort of esoteric effect on baseline humans, but are also useful in reinforcing core Vanessa Hudgens characteristics on avatars that may be diverging from EMOSC's consciousness. It's also highly likely that they are EMOSC's way of creating an audience for the scenarios It likes to act out.

What are YOUR theories about the Vanessaverse?

Hmm. So, then, THX-1138 is a queer story?

Yeah. Yeah, that checks. That prosecutor at the trial is absolutely a rabid foaming queerphobe, the one the judge issues a warning to…

Someone correct me if I'm wrong, but AFAIK none of this would be intentional from George Lucas or anyone else?

I am going to be thinking about this all day.

You know, on the topic of 'can you be meaningfully queer in this game', I'm going to say that the game doesn't have to be a romance-centric game (eg Monsterhearts) to meet that threshold.

I'm going to take a slightly left-field example: Paranoia. In this (black humour dystopia) game, everybody is a clone grown in a vat, and fed a steady diet of mood-altering pills to keep them complient that - among other things - suppresses your libedo, to ensure there won't be non-vat-grown humans, and further the society strongly discourages romance in general.

This isn't the focus of the game, but it still means that the game presents us with a hegemonic standard for sexuality and relationships (they don't happen), and ways to be non-normative, and the decision to do so is meaningful.

An entirely heterosexual couple holding hands in Paranoia is - because their relationship is so non-normative the the game's scope, and will have serious consequences for them - a more queer story than any gay tiefling found families in D&D.

In Paranoia, the decision to engage in a sexual or romantic relationship is a meaningful one, in a way it isn't in D&D.

(You will note that romance is not mechanised in Paranoia, nor is it going to be a common mode of play, but the game does mention 'forbidden romance' as a potential plot hook).

Being German-American, I don't much like the stereotype of Germans as excessively regimented and organized. So I prefer to believe that Liesl's extensive lists and spreadsheets are actually a carefully-crafted manipulation technique, designed to leverage that stereotype into a way to demoralize any opposition to her plans. It's her version of "I can do this all day."

Liesl isn't, actually, an organization freak. If you pay close attention, she turns out to be an adept at retaining facts and knowledge, extrapolating from observational data, and determining optimal solutions. She's a theorycrafter and a logician.

Except for her own personal goal, of course. She's not entirely sane about that, but understandably so.

It's like Jim Woodring but quiet, and without the mental nausea. I love it all.

Every time I remember that nearly everyone, even people who have never heard of The Far Side, knows what a "thagomizer" is, my brain gets a little spritz of endorphins from the fact that something, that was part of my weirdness growing up, has breached containment and is here to stay.

This is here because I can't post photos on the local message board. I'm trying to find the owner of these two kittens before the raccoons get them.

the Guardian

US farms are forcing workers to buy inedible, expensive meals: ‘It makes you feel enslaved’

Employers hiring migrant workers through a federal program must provide food or cooking facilities. But many of those picking our fresh food

On an August afternoon, Pablo stared down at a foam plate sloshing with flavorless pinto beans and a particularly bad version of huevos a la Mexicana. The simple, usually delicious scramble of eggs, tomatoes, onions and jalapeños is difficult to mess up. But if anyone can find a way to make it unpalatable, it’s the cook at his labor camp. Soupy eggs are the last thing the 42-year-old from western Mexico wants to eat. But after a 12-hour day harvesting tobacco in the brutal and sometimes deadly summer heat, he must eat – and this was far from the worst meal he’s been given. A few weeks ago, fellow farm workers got sick due to raw and moldy food they were forced to purchase. On days like this, Pablo can’t decide which is worse: that he’s forced to pay $80 a week for this slop, or that everything about what he eats, when he eats and how much he eats is tightly controlled by his employer. Pablo, who is using a pseudonym due to fear of retaliation, is one of more than 35,000 migrant workers in North Carolina this year as part of the H-2A Temporary Agricultural Worker Program, a guest visa program overseen by the US Department of Labor (DoL). The program enables American employers to hire foreign workers to perform seasonal agricultural work. Employers in the program frequently exploit their migrant employees, and the structure of the program makes easy work of it. Visas are tied to a single employer who must also provide housing, transportation and access to food, creating a crushing power imbalance between American employers and migrant H-2A workers.

“I will always be on the side of those who have nothing and who are not even allowed to enjoy the nothing they have in peace.”

— Federico García Lorca

please support this interracial french gay couple and their 20 kids

My Dad: "The Melrose [apple tree] also has some massive pups."

Me: " . . . . . "

Me: "Just so you know, you should expect some... weird reactions... if you use the phrase 'has some massive pups' in public."