Please Just Ignore This

Please just ignore this

(In case you don't:

Tw:sh, suicide attempts, and idk anything else that might trigger anyone from this but sorry)

I feel so fucking pathetic. Idk, I feel like I don't actually feel what I say I feel and am just lying because it's what I used to feel. I feel like I'm lying because the problems aren't even real problems and even if they were the reason I was messed up is trying to make things better. But I just don't. Idk. I can't seem to appreciate what they're doing because they didn't see it in the past 6 to 7 years. And now they're trying just after I tried to overdose on medicine at my hostel(I stopped before it would have been too much, I knew it wouldn't kill me when i stopped). They knew I used to SH. They knew for sure I still did it for about 2 years. They thought I stopped after that. Idk, they just assumed it was all better overnight. It's not like I hand tried to kms before, but they never found out about it. So yea, I feel like they're here too late. So I blame them for it and for the stuff they said, they stuff they did and didn't do. The part that makes me feel worst is that when I'd told them about it, they said it was just an excuse. After I told them that I was hurt about that(about 1 week later), they retracted the statement and said I that I might be trying to punish them but really it's just me I was punishing. I know its me I'm punishing. And it still hurts that they think I am doing this to punish THEM, that they still don't understand how deeply I hate myself(also a feeling I feel like I'm lying about, idek why I would lie about that but eh) even after I told them. And now I feel like I have no friends to talk to about my feelings. My almost 15 year bsf has .....idk, changed (she has a lot going on) so we just never talk about deep feelings. I have my cousin, almost like a twin, same age and the bond and all, but she is always trying to make me see their side of it and sometimes I just need someone to listen. I had more really close friends but we sort of just drifted apart. Idk what to do, feels like I have no one to talk to, life doesn't seem worth living, nothing worth fighting for, i dont seem worth fighting for. 2 people I grew close to at hostel made me swear I'd never cut again and it hurts so bad not doing it I feel like I will kms this time without coming to reason and be gone, it's like I'm waiting for the moment everything gets just too much and I finally snap.